To have chosen a different life

[halfwaythroughaugust]

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

There are some very naive people on here.

People who marry for stability last.

People who marry for passion get cheated on. Intense love burns out and eventually becomes unrequited. The love is always uneven, one loves more than the other although this is not admitted until it's too late.

The only way to survive in this world is to be in a marriage that is based on other things than a doe eyed belief in fairytales. Grow up people.

ffs it’s not doe eyes v stability

It’s love v no love

What will you / did you choose out of the latter Cedar?

I don’t believe anyone on here who says it’s fine as he knows unless they’re willing to take the news their partner never loved them and just wanted children.

You’re way too invested in this thread @MarshaBradyo. Why can’t you just accept that different kinds of love exist and hearts and flowers is just one kind?

Nope. Because if it was different kinds of love it’d be ok. This is no love.

It’s this equation of love with hearts and flowers that is crap anyway.

Everyone would be devastated by reading the op.

They are just banging on about flowers and getting it wrong.

At least some others have posted sensibly.

Anyway it is frustrating but no not invested as I couldn’t care less about op who had buggered off

No one would want this to happen to them. And if it was a man saying oh you must have known no love just children - lynched.

Anyway you’re right people are talking bollocks so am off.

@MarshaBradyo ffs it’s not doe eyes v stability

Absolutely this. A lot of posters are conflating entirely different scenarios. It isn’t the semantics of love that the OP is describing. It’s about calculating an outcome and misleading someone into marriage for their own end. It’s not worlds away from secretly coming off contraceptives because you want a baby.

Tg for you Hopefully glad you get it ;

It’s so juvenile to think that love is some rotten flower giving passionate doe eyed cheater

No, love, it’s realistic. Age and experience teaches you that.

Yes and the op doesn’t have it and the dh believes she does.

But covered that up to meet her own goal.

Nothing to do with ‘different kinds of love’

How about men who choose young, attractive women because they know they'll be the winner amongst their friends for having a trophy wife of child bearing age? How do we know anyone is in a passionate romance? Men don't think like this. Men go for the hottest woman, saying whatever they need to and the woman is the one left holding the children if the man is secretly immoral and his prospects change. It's only women who believe this crap, that's why princess fairytales are brainwashing tools for little girls! Not little boys. Come on now, there are no prince charmings out there waiting with white horses for all women. It's just some women have the experience to know better and others haven't got to that point yet, they refuse to be jaded enough to believe the truth. Because the truth is bitter and that truth is that a man married you because of what you could do for him, not because of his undying romantic love for you.

*People who marry for stability last.

People who marry for passion get cheated on. Intense love burns out and eventually becomes unrequited. The love is always uneven, one loves more than the other although this is not admitted until it's too late.

The only way to survive in this world is to be in a marriage that is based on other things than a doe eyed belief in fairytales. Grow up people.*

Isn't part of growing up accepting that your own experience doesn't hold true for everyone? It is actually possible to fall deeply, passionately in love with someone and for the relationship to develop into a stable, lasting marriage based on trust, respect and shared values. It's not an either/or choice between passion and stability and it's sad that so many posters are insisting that this is the case. I can't imagine being so bitter and cynical as to believe that anyone who actually loves their spouse is a fool and that the marriage is doomed to fail.

Cedar I don’t agree with that I do equate love with stability, trust all the things people keep saying on this thread isn’t attached to love.

It is actually possible to fall deeply, passionately in love with someone and for the relationship to develop into a stable, lasting marriage

Yes, sure, you and all the other Disney princesses.

Cedar sound like you’re surrounded by many bad experiences which is sad but it’s not Disney princess for love to equal trust and stability.

Cedar sound like you’re surrounded by many bad experiences which is sad but it’s not Disney princess for love to equal trust and stability.

OP married for trust and stability. That's the point.

She cared enough about him to give him children. And every woman who does that puts their life on the line. She's done nothing wrong. If you guys don't want to agree with her stance, that's fine, but it's a little rich to sit on your high horse and think all the scenarios described by others will never ever happen to you. It's also a bit naive to think that your partner has the same feelings that you have. Everyone gets married because of what they get out of it. Men always do it, otherwise why would they bother when it's so easy to keep a girlfriend, have sex with her, and not have any of the responsibility? Eventually something else makes marriage worth it.

Trust no. Since she can’t say honestly how she feels.

Trust no. Since she can’t say honestly how she feels.

Trust, yes. She specifically chose a man that would have morals, a religious background similar to herself, and would be dependable to start a family with. If you think a woman can have children with a man that she doesn't care about then that is naive. Like I said, women in childbirth are in a precarious situation where they could die. You don't almost die to have children with someone you don't care about at all. She loves him, but it wasn't a Disney romance and there's nothing wrong with that.

Your thinking is too skewed for me tbh

So she can trust him but it’s one way it doesn’t matter if he’s married on a lie?

Anyway got to go

Cedar, your idea of trust sounds terribly selfish.

So she can trust him but it’s one way it doesn’t matter if he’s married on a lie?

How do you know what his motivations for marriage were? No one knows what's a lie. He knows what he has. That's the truth. That's all anyone can know. Your own partner could be the same. People need to let it go. Men marry the best they can get and say whatever they need to. Women need to stop falling for all the crap sold in a Valentine's day card, and start being realistic. The guy may have never been deeply in love. Maybe you were the hottest thing he could get and he didn't want to let that go to be the lonely one amongst his peers. Oh well.

Hopefullyendsmeet

Your idea of selfish sounds incredibly naive.

It’s not about Valentines Day cards.

It might be for you but not everyone.

I declined some very suitable partners, in a Jane Austen sort of way, and committed to a very unsuitable man. Logic would have been much more useful to me.
I'm guessing that your husband sounds like a decent man and you can also pursue a social life of your own to some extent.