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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 15/08/2019 07:59

I suppose it's like you've created your own arranged marriage. If you are both content and look after each other I can't see the problem. Romantic love is actually a pretty new concept.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:59

But have I?

There are no guarantees in life. Who is to say he would have ended up with anybody, or with somebody worse? I suppose he could have ended up with a supermodel who was desperately in love with him but statistically it’s unlikely!

OP posts:
Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:59

Cosy that’s how I see it.

OP posts:
Gogreen · 15/08/2019 08:00

This reply has been deleted

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Loopytiles · 15/08/2019 08:00

Had you been honest with him odds are high he could have found another ordinary woman who loved him.

EssentialHummus · 15/08/2019 08:00

I have an acquaintance who has done similar and (so far, anyway - 8 years or so) it works for both of them, in different ways. She got kids, he got a British passport and a meal ticket thanks to her work. It's not what I'd wish for myself or my children but I don't think it's so rare.

BringMeTea · 15/08/2019 08:03

I know at least 2 women who have done this. One still with the husband. I can't get too excited about it as long as there is no abuse.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 08:03

A contract requires both parties to be in possession of of all the facts. One party misleading or concealing relevant information invalidates the contract.

Romantic love is a relatively new concept and not one I set much store by. But respect and honesty are critical pillars for any meaningful relationship. Like extramarital sex - if it is agreed on by both people in the marriage it is not a problem. Lying and using is not ok.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:03

It’s “you’re” Go Hmm

I think you need to calm down.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 15/08/2019 08:04

As long as you ‘love’ him in the sense that you care for him, like him, have similar shared values and outlooks, run along well, are a good team and want the best for him and will support him - and you stick to your marriage vows - I can’t see the problem.

‘Love’ as in ‘want to rip your clothes off sexy’ isn’t always the best foundation for a long marriage.

I think many, many people in their kid to late thirties settle. I see many of my friends struggle for years then basically they find a nice dependable man who also wants a family and BANG married in a year kids in 18 months. I highly doubt they have all found the love of their lives in a lust sense.

Gogreen · 15/08/2019 08:04

But it is abuse!! She is lying and manipulating.

If this was a man doing this to a women, mumsnet would be having a field day....talk about double standards!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/08/2019 08:04

EssentialHummus presumably though both parties entered that marriage in full knowledge of the arrangement and benefits. It does not sound like OP and her DH were on the same page.

OP why are you asking for our opinions if you don't see how you did anything wrong? You haven't saved him from a single life, you have prevented him from finding someone who genuinely loved him.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:04

And as I’ve repeatedly said I do love him in a way, but it isn’t passionate romantic love, it’s borne from affection and respect.

But then I’m not prone to falling madly in love with people. I had to decide what I wanted and establish how best to get it.

OP posts:
noneintheforeststoday · 15/08/2019 08:04

I suspect that an old friend of mine has chosen a similar life. She married in her mid thirties and had her two kids quickly. Her husband is kind and bright and a good guy, but my sense is that she's generally quite irritated and dismissive of him.

It's hard to see, but - like you - she adores her kids and her husband is a good partner in parenting. She occasionally has spoken about feeling envious of the connection and affection she sees in my relationship with DH (which I suspect are normalish - we're 10 years in, not newlyweds who can't keep our hands off each other).

For her, it seems to work. She's an honest person so I don't think she's likely to have deliberately misled her DH about the degree of passion or affection she feels for him.

I sometimes wonder about him, though. She's a wonderful person, mum, and friend, but would he have been better off waiting on the chance that he met someone who'd really adore him....?

Ugh, it's a complex one. I feel for you, though, OP. Choosing a different path is always a challenge.

weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 08:05

So the question is - did you lie? If you did, and you wouldn't want him to lie to you, then you have your answer.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:05

He seems happy enough mobile

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 08:05

I had this option but couldn’t do it. I really did think about it and we both wanted children, which I could have had by now if I’d settled for him. I knew it meant I may never have children and that is agonising for me to this day. There were a few reasons I didn’t go down that path with him, lots previously mentioned.

Marriage and kids are hard work and if there’s no love there underpinning it all then it must make it 10 times harder. I knew I’d only be
marrying him for his sperm essentially...huge risk, what if there was infertility on either part? This happened to family members and although it was painful they’ve had a lovely life together because they’ve always been in love. I wouldn’t have been able to say that.

What’s going to happen as the children get older and move away and it’s just the two of you? Will you stay with him or divorce?

I get that it was a “logical” decision. Most of my family have arranged marriages and that’s why I tried to convince myself it could work. However, do you not feel guilt a lot of the time? You’ve deprived him of being loved by another person and essentially you’re lying to him everyday.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:06

You see I couldn’t Name, I couldn’t not have had children.

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 15/08/2019 08:06

GoGreen it most definitely is NOT abuse. Don't bandy that around. It diminishes actual abuse.

Gogreen · 15/08/2019 08:07

Wow halfway... that’s all you pulled from my post....a spelling mistake.... I’m done, I won’t spend another minute of my time on women like you....it’s very clear the type of women you are...and quite frankly you disgust me.

Loopytiles · 15/08/2019 08:07

It’s clear that OP lied.

Whatsforu · 15/08/2019 08:07

If your DH is unaware of your reasons for marrying him them I think YABU. He must pick up on the fact you don't love him and the kids will too. Very entitled and selfish of you.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:08

I don’t think I am lying either.

I love you, do you love me?

Yes.

Do I say ‘well yes DH, I do, but I don’t think Im passionately in love with you because you’re a bit dull.’

Hmm
OP posts:
weaningwoes · 15/08/2019 08:08

Also how do you think he feels about you? Do you think he feels romantically towards you?

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:09

Not now weaning. To start with he did.

OP posts: