To have chosen a different life

[halfwaythroughaugust]

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

I feel sorry for your husband

I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't love

Are you nice to him? Does he love you? Do you intend to be faithful and stay with him, or divorce?

Wow

Of course Loopy

It's really sad you thought you had a choice of this man or nothing - you didn't give yourself a chance of happiness.

Does he love you? Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Children, especially when small, rarely bond a couple together, in fact the opposite. I would say you have taken quite a big risk.

In my experience, 'exciting men' often gamble, drink to excess, dabble in drugs and can be a bit handy with their fists - all part of a bad boy persona.

You stick with Mr Dependable, you'll be happier in the long run.

Does your husband know this? If you made a joint decision to settle because you both wanted children/a family life then fair enough. If not, YABVU. Imagine making a lifelong commitment to someone who secretly finds you boring and doesn’t love you. How horrible for him.

That’s a very harsh reading of it Apples

I suppose what I’m saying is I wasn’t motivated by emotion but logic. That probably sounds quite cold but he was a decent companion and friend and now I do sort of love him through him being the father of my children.

Did you and do you TELL him you love him?

Did he know you didn't love him when you married and had children? That's the main thing. If he knows how you feel but for whatever reason it serves his interests too that you have a relationship, all's Jake as far as I'm concerned. If you lied and manipulated to get your needs met and he now finds himself tied in a loveless relationship by the children you had together... Then YABVVVU.

Finding out/realising late in the game hat you have put the best years of your life into a relationship with someone who doesn't love you and never did is incredibly painful.

Yes, I think so. And like I say I sort of do, but not romantically.

But why would I tell him that weaning - why would I hurt a decent bloke?

In the past people more frequently choose partners because of skills they had, stability, ability to provide, good parent material, similar ethics re religion and views on how to live. Op, I wonder if you made your decision re a life partner in a similar way? I wouldn't judge that negatively.

Pretty much duds

Having a family was very important to me.

Because if you'd told him when he told you he loved you/asked you to marry him that you didn't love him, he might have been hurt but he could have made a decision about what was best for him in possession of all the facts. And if you instead told him you did love him because you knew if he knew otherwise he wouldn't have given you the children you wanted, you lied and manipulated another person to get your own way. Do not for a MINUTE try to pretend that has a thing to do with not wanting to hurt him. It was about getting him where you wanted him.

I don’t think it’s that bad tbh.

All the other feelings fade, just look at the “annoying stuff my husband does” thread.

As long as you’re both happy.

You can't fake love for a lifetime. Maybe for a courtship, maybe even for a decade or so if suitably motivated. But he will know if your eyes glaze over when he talks, if you are having "duty sex", if you don't feel his pain like it was your own. Everyone deserves love. Not everyone gets it, and some are content to settle for less. But no-one deserves to be lied to. It's manipulative and patronising.

Well, you can't unmake your children so that's done now.

If he was unaware of your reasons for marrying him then he has entered into the marriage under the impression that you do love him and were marrying him for a life together. You have lied by omission. It would hurt less for it to have been an honest conversation which gave him the option of walking away or agreeing to the union with all the facts.

Are you wanting to split up? I think perhaps a conversation about going forward, rather than focusing on the past, would be helpful. Even if you start from the idea that you are not happy in the marriage now. There is no need to hurt your DH by saying you've never loved him romantically.

This is very sad reading. No wonder that men seemed terrified of women nearing the end of their fertile years. They must know the likelihood of ‘settling’ is massively high.

I think successful marriages are in fact a contract between 2 people. The most important factors are positive joint finances, common objectives and a happy and secure home for any children. Romantic feelings are unlikely to last for 30 years. If you’ve achieved these, you are far more likely to have a successful long term marriage.

Wow! You are utterly cruel!

I agree jeanne, I’m surprised people think it’s cruel. It’s pragmatic I suppose.

If your husband isn’t aware that you settled it’s incredibly selfish because in order to get what you wanted, you have stolen his right to be with someone who loves and cares for him.