To have chosen a different life

[halfwaythroughaugust]

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

You have done what 1000s of people do, male and female, which is settle.

Who knows, he may be settling for you too.

Op how would you feel if it was reversed?

Or your children’s partner admitted this after dc?

I really can’t think why my children’s partner would inform me they settled for my child

Just imagine it

Affection and respect seem to me a much better basis for marriage than lust and infatuation. I’d put money on your marriage going the distance, where many “romantic” partnerships won’t, OP. I think you should always marry your best friend.

Would you think good for you

I’m a bit surprised so many people are OK with this. You’ve robbed someone of the chance to meet someone who truly loves them. I think that’s really selfish.

don’t pretend that it’s an exact formula that if you do X and Y you will be approved.

I’m not pretending approval is easy at all. I’m pointing out that pragmatism works in different ways. You see your decision as rational and logical. I want x so I will do y and z to get it.

You said before that you wouldn’t have chosen the sperm donation route due to the fact that other people view single parenthood by choice as selfish. Most people would argue that it’s equally or more selfish to deceive a man in this way in order to bring about children. You can’t just use and manipulate people because your wants are more important than everything else.

Or reversed? Why avoid

I could have written this 12 years ago. Divorce him before there are children. Life is about finding real connections with people you love and if you don’t love him there is no true intimacy (not just talking about good sex). I ended it and it took 10 years but I now have an amazing partner and a baby girl. Even without the baby I’d be a million times happier than I was when I was married to the wrong guy. Life is too short to share it with someone you don’t love. It will end in flames if you don’t get out soon. It was a mistake to marry him, it’s ok to make mistakes. But it would be a bigger mistake to stay

I believe there is an initial period of sexual attraction that we mistake for love.

Now I didn’t really have that, no.

However, through shared experiences you bond with people and affection and love follow.

Really? So you've never been in love, at all, even something that didn't work out with someone who wasn't suitable? I find that very sad and yes, rather cold. I'm not disagreeing that many people's feelings of lust/intense "in love"-ness are with people who aren't suited as life partners or co-parents and that these feelings do die down and fade, but it's sad to me that you don't even believe that anything more than companiate closeness can or does exist.

I think plenty of people do do this and don't think it's the scandal of the century or anything, but I would be utterly devastated to know my spouse thought of me as "a bit dull". DH is my favourite person in the world still, after 15 years and two small children, and he thinks I am incredible. Both of us feel amazed that the other chose us and lucky to have each other. I am perfectly in favour of the more pragmatic approach to, say, arranged marriages where both parties go into it with open eyes and not expecting a whirlwind of romantic love, but your perspective is just... Sad. Your DH doesn't know how utilitarian your judgement was, he doesn't know he kind of bores you, he doesn't have the opportunity to build a life with someone who makes him his best self by reflecting that image of himself back to him through her eyes.

What would you have done if he had turned out to be infertile?

Actually name I’ve no problem with sperm donation and I don’t think it’s selfish - but some people do.

It is using a baby to get what you want (a child) but then so does every parent.

I don't get the people going 'Wow'. Surely you know already that not all couples are madly in love and that some people settle.

I married my DH for love. We were extremely passionate about one another. After 28 years I think he's totally bored of me and I am not sure it is going to last. I'd quite happily settle for joint interests, mutual respect, shared values and companionship right now.

Interesting. The one person I know who I would say has ‘settled’ (not for children but simply because she thought she wouldn’t get better - it wasn’t true but she didn’t have the courage to believe it) - her marriage has lasted longer and better than true love matches who are already divorced.

I guess pragmatic marriages can sometimes be more stable than romantic ones. Perhaps the expectations aren’t so high.

it is selfish as you probably realise since you wouldn’t want it to be you in his position

Another one who doesn’t understand the hysteria.

Marrying for romantic love / infatuation doesn’t exactly have the best track record. About 42% of marriages end in divorce . Of those who stay together, many are unhappy and would leave if they could afford it.

MN is full of unhappy women who married a feckless selfish waster because they desperately wanted to “ share a name “ or have a big wedding . And now they are surprised that he hasn’t changed.

Or worse still, they had the kids with him and now spend every day waiting for a “ proposal “ while they wash his pants.

Who is to say that the OP is wrong for marrying a good man who she cares for very much?

In response to a question above, yes, I believe in love. But I also don’t think it lasts in most cases. And I certainly don’t think love is a solid basis for a lasting relationship. Sure, throw it into the mix with other things like security, being treated well, personality compatibility etc. But on its own? Nah.

You’ve taken away somebody’s choice and for that you are incredibly selfish.

If you had started the relationship truthfully and you were both happy to continue on the same page then that is absolutely fine, but you didn’t, you lied by omission.

You have taken away another person free will, he may have continued with the relationship or he may not have but now he will never have the opportunity to be in a relationship with somebody that loves him. You have taken away three peoples chance to experience love because your need for children trumped another persons life.

You can’t change it now so I’m not sure what you are going to get from this thread?

You can’t tell him the truth as that will cause immeasurable pain, you can’t rewind time, you can only live with the guilt which I hope as a decent human you do feel. You made your choice so now you need to live with your conscience and hoping to get enough people agreeing with you on an Internet forum so that you can tramp down your guilt for a while is very sad.

To those saying this is no different to an arranged marriage, it really is. With an arranged marriage at least all parties are clear that it is a marriage of convenience and nobody is kidded into believing it’s a love match, if love comes later then great but it’s certainly not a given although at least everyone has their eyes open.

Is anyone here ok with a man / their husband doing this?

Love can happen in a number of ways.
I don't believe you do not love him, you may not be in love with him, but I think you love him, as you love your children, your parents.
I think you made the right decision for you and I agree with Jeanne.

I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. On the contrary.

If she had been honest with him and he knew what he was getting into fair enough. However op has done it purely for her own selfish reasons.

Another one who doesn’t understand the hysteria

I don't either. I agree with everything MORVEN says.

In a long marriage love does not remain static but ebbs & flows over the years with more/less intensity of feeling at some times than others. There is no settled binary of "love" or "not love". So it is not surprising to hear you have come to find a connection with your husband, having built a life & family together. I hope you can sustain it - good luck OP

And arranged marriages are hardly a guaranteed recipe for happiness either. A close friend is the product of parents who's marriage was arranged and who have cordially hated each other since shortly afterwards, but remain tied together for life nonetheless. It fucked him up good and proper.

They certainly can and do work, they can even be roaring successes, but they're not exactly a panacea. Anyone who's read any history or historical fiction knows that the pragmatic approach to marriage produced large quantities of misery for many couples.