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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 08:40

It’s not about it being outside social norm it’s more that he is unaware of what kind of relationship he is in that makes me think it’s sad for him

Would posters who think fine be ok if it was them in the husband’s position?

Hooferdoofer37 · 15/08/2019 08:40

OP, it sounds more like you married him for his money than for DC.

You could have got a sperm donation and had kids, but that would mean you'd have to work to support them and as you say:
"I couldn't have worked & paid childcare fees."

People marrying for money is rife in this world, just look at the First Lady, but don't pretend it's anything other than that. You saw an opportunity, you took it, regardless of how it affected your spouse or your DC (& being the kids of a love-less marriage may not be the greatest example of relationships for them).

But it happens all over the world & everybody, so you're certainly not the only one.

StroppyWoman · 15/08/2019 08:42

If you’d been open and honest with him, and you both decided getting married in those circumstances was fine, you’d be golden.
Lots of successful relationships don’t start with love.

But that’s not what you did. This man loved you, you let him believe you loved him back, and used him so you could have children.

Poor bloke.

NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 08:43

I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding. I won’t apologise for that: most people do.

I did too. I just couldn’t being myself to knowingly deceive another person in order to bring that about.

I wouldn’t have been approved for adoption two years ago. Like you said, you made a decision and went after what you wanted? I worked four jobs, changed career to one more child friendly with adoption leave of a year, ploughed money into savings going without a lot so I would have the money to support a child or siblings alone, paid for private therapy for my own issues, started building up a support network of other adults around me who knew of and were supportive of my plans etc.

I could have just married that guy and had biological children. But I knew I would be using another person. I’ve been the person that was being used by the person I loved more than anything and wanted to grow old with. It’s an awful gut wrenching pain to discover that you are not loved, or desired or, god forbid that the person you love predominantly sees you as “dull”. He’s living a lie...

Writersblock2 · 15/08/2019 08:43

Good for you, OP. I find the idea of “true love” or similar incredibly naive. It’s mostly just sexual feelings/novelty factor/first flush. It’s why so many marriages fail tbh - because those feelings never last, and when they vanish people have nothing left. You, however, have built your marriage on respect, logic and practicalities. It’s far more likely to last.

Honestly, I think the majority of men see “love” in this way.

Nothingcomesforfree · 15/08/2019 08:44

You only live once. Do it all. Be married, have children, fall in love, have your heart broken.
I don’t in the scheme of things it matters so long as you feel the path is the right one for you. That’s the tricky bit. If you feel uncomfortable about the situation you probably need to find another direction.

BossAssBitch · 15/08/2019 08:46

sheshootssheimplores
This is very sad reading. No wonder that men seemed terrified of women nearing the end of their fertile years. They must know the likelihood of ‘settling’ is massively high

Agree with this ^ I ended a friendship with a good friend as she married the first guy that came along just to have children. When she got what she wanted she treated the poor guy like he was an inconvenience. I didn’t want to be friends with someone so calculating and cruel, not to mention incredibly self serving.

overnightangel · 15/08/2019 08:46

You sound fucking horrendous OP.
“why would I hurt a decent bloke?”
What do you think you’re doing every day?
You lied, and continue to lie, to get something you thought you wanted, now you’re looking for sympathy because you’re not happy.
You’re like a spoilt little child, I hope this man eventually sees you for who you are and kicks you to the kerb

zsazsajuju · 15/08/2019 08:47

I don’t understand all the hysteria, I think what op is describing is settling which I see a lot of people doing. It can lead to trouble later I suppose if you meet someone you really love.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 08:48

How would you react if the partner of one of your dc admitted this to you after they had dc? Oh brilliant love outside the norm relationships

historysock · 15/08/2019 08:49

My sister did this. The man she was with and was really smitten with didn't want to have children and she really did. It was a deal breaker for them both.
She ended up back with her childhood boyfriend who utterly adored her, got married and had the children. She liked him and he was familiar and treated her like a princess-but I dont think she loved him really. At first she seemed fairly miserable but they went through some pretty tough times and you could actually see her grow into her marriage. They've been married for 28 years now and they both seem very happy.
So it can work-and I think lots of people do this if I'm honest-but it's not the done thing to say so.

BossAssBitch · 15/08/2019 08:49

writersblock

Respect? Don’t be daft, there is no respect on the woman’s part when she married a man to be a sperm donator. And your assumptions about all marriages and all men are wrong. My marriage is full of love and my DH and I are very much in love. If he discovered I married him to have kids he would be utterly devastated and would undoubtedly leave me, and I would not blame him.

OwlinaTree · 15/08/2019 08:50

Loads of people do this, I don't think it's worth everyone's outrage. Yes it's not ideal, but it happens all the time. Two of my sisters settled for men that adored them.

FilthyforFirth · 15/08/2019 08:51

Mumsnet is so weird. This week posters have been falling over themselves to excuse a woman from stealing her childs inheritance, a woman who allows her small children unlimited screen time and now a woman who married someone solely to ger children. I do wonder what the response would have been if the people in all these scenario's were men...

PixieLumos · 15/08/2019 08:52

YABU - there are options nowadays for single women to have children. It’s not 1912, you don’t need a man to have a family. If you wanted kids that’s on you and if you wanted them as much as you say I think you should have been prepared to raise and supported them yourself rather use someone like that.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 08:52

If it was a man admitting to this yep very different responses

separatebeds · 15/08/2019 08:53

I agree with what jeanne said and what dancing mummy said.

Bit of a shame that you seem to strongly dislike his family. Just make sure you reminding yourself of the positives in your relationship.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:54

Name - I still wouldn’t have been approved. I’m pleased for you, but don’t pretend that it’s an exact formula that if you do X and Y you will be approved.

Hoofer I didn’t marry him for his money Hmm I’m actually the higher earner. However, two incomes of £30,000 and £20,000 make £50,000. One income of £50,000 is actually less as it’s taxed more. Being single is seriously costly.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 15/08/2019 08:55

I think the both of you have as good a chance of having a long, happy marriage as anyone else, to be honest. How many people who marry for love crash and burn, taking the kids along with them? Or turn a blind eye to their spouses many fundamental flaws, only for those flaws to come and bite them, or their DC, on the arse?

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 08:55

Why did you feel the need to share this op?

Lots of people don't marry for 'love', just look at arranged marriages.

Lots of people who do marry for love end up divorced anyway.

Far better imo to find someone who you can have friendship and companionship, who will be a good father, who you can respect and respects you, that's not to say you can't have all that and be head over heels, but life doesn't always work out that way.

Often the people we fall head over heels with we aren't really that comparable with.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:55

There are options pixie but not particularly practical or palatable ones for someone on a good but not amazing income with no family Smile

I would have earned too much for benefits but not enough to meet childcare costs and other bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:56

Tang, I have a bit of a crush. Nothing will come of it but it’s highlighted how I never felt this towards dh.

OP posts:
Vasya · 15/08/2019 08:56

I couldn't live like this - I think you've stifled your own happiness.

Whatsforu · 15/08/2019 08:57

People talking about arranged marriages totally different. Both parties are aware. In the op situation the dh is unaware of the situation although I suspect it is dawning on him. Hopefully he finds someone else who genuinely cares for him,(rather than his soerm or money) and leaves you to get on with it.

PiedNMash · 15/08/2019 08:57

Not sure if I am allowed to ask this, but are you white/ western. It's just that I have come across this attitude towards marriage in other cultures where I have lived. I am not asking to criticise. I lived in Asia for many years and marriage is approached in this way more than love. I actually respect the way they approach marriage. It is very practical.

I was once told that you spend all your time wanting to get married and then the rest of your time trying to stay married. That is so true.

I married my DH for love. We were extremely passionate about one another. After 28 years I think he's totally bored of me and I am not sure it is going to last. I'd quite happily settle for joint interests, mutual respect, shared values and companionship right now.

now I do sort of love him

I bet if you split or he died you would realise straight away that you do actually love him. Perhaps you are just someone who is not able to openly demonstrate your love to him or its a different kind of love. Some people can throw love around pretty flimsily.

We think the western ideal of marriage is the right one, but is it? We are conditioned to think we must marry someone we love dearly and are sexually compatible with and live happily ever after. If that falls short then it is wrong and we move onto the next person. We marry for love but then finances, inequality of childcare, hobbies and other things all throw stingers in the way and love flies out the window.

So, is it better to:

Love passionately, marry and then have issues erode your marriage or,
Marry practically and grow to love and respect each other.

Neither is right. None of us follows the same path in anything we do.