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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:22

That’s very sad weaning

I am sorry you are going through that. I would never tell my husband I did not love him. I see no point in causing needless hurt and pain.

OP posts:
twolobsters · 15/08/2019 08:22

God this is depressing reading. 'Romantic feelings won't last for 30 years'

What a sad life you lead

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 15/08/2019 08:23

You were being practical

Many marry for money or a more comfortable life, they marry someone who adores them but they don’t feel the same way back but it feels secure, for a visa, just to be married, to have children in secure circumstances

Just few admit it has always happened and always will for men and women

As another poster has said make the most of it

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:23

You might Name but the fact is many will disagree when it comes to making your own child as it were.

If it is adoption you are proposing then again you surely know that many perfectly adequate parents would not be approved for this and it’s even trickier for someone who is single.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 15/08/2019 08:24

I don't think it's terrible. I married an Indian man. Apart from him no one in his family has married for love. In India romantic love is seen as a temporary thing and not a basis for lifelong companionship. I see my SILs have grown to love their husband's after marriage and they are genuinely happy (I know this is not always the case but it's not always the case here either).

FamilyOfAliens · 15/08/2019 08:25

So you married him because you couldn’t countenance the idea of your desire to have children being denied, yet you were quite happy to deny him the chance of being loved and cherished for himself, rather than for his baby-making abilities?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/08/2019 08:25

I don't think you've been intentionally "cold" or "cruel" as other posters are saying. I think a great many people settle for something less than 'the one' for the reasons you've described but may not have the courage to admit it, even to themselves. But I do think that it's unfair on your Husband. I would be devestated if thought that my DH only "sort of" loved me, and I would rather be alone than be married to someone who wasn't in love with me, but because your DH doesn't know that's how you feel he's effectively had that choice taken away from him.

If you've only married him to have DC have you thought about what happens when they leave home and it's just you and him?

Veryveryverylate · 15/08/2019 08:25

Using him would be running away as soon as you got pregnant. But if you are invested in making this marriage work and stick with him for the foreseeable future. Then it is fine. So many people divorce despite being madly in love. Love by itself is nothing. Your actions and how you treat each other matter more.
Don't tell him you never loved him, there is absolutely no need to. Your love for him is different and it is ok. I love my dh for lot of different reasons. My love for him has definitely grown and it has fluctuated throughout the years.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 08:27

But have I? There are no guarantees in life. Who is to say he would have ended up with anybody, or with somebody worse? I suppose he could have ended up with a supermodel who was desperately in love with him but statistically it’s unlikely!

I think stealing his chance of him ending up with someone who is in love with him is terrible enough!

TacoLover · 15/08/2019 08:27

I would be devestated if thought that my DH only "sort of" loved me, and I would rather be alone than be married to someone who wasn't in love with me, but because your DH doesn't know that's how you feel he's effectively had that choice taken away from him.

This.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:27

I have minister and we were together before children; I anticipate we will be together after children but if he wishes something different I would accept that.

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 15/08/2019 08:28

@halfwaythroughaugust It is adoption and I’m fully aware of everything it will entail. My LA seem happy enough with me and assured I have the right skills and mindset so I don’t need to care for the opinions of others who haven’t started or been through the process.

Winsomelosesome · 15/08/2019 08:29

It's not 'different'. I think it's very common for women to settle in order to start a family. Different would be the opposite, choosing to remain single and child free over settling. Much rarer.

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:29

I’m not saying you do Name but you said to me that you would have children alone rather than do what I did.

Well, that wasn’t an option for me. I wouldn’t have passed an adoption panel and I wouldn’t have been able to afford a child alone. I couldn’t have worked and paid childcare fees.

OP posts:
Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:30

Also - I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding. I won’t apologise for that: most people do.

OP posts:
ShhhBeQuiet · 15/08/2019 08:31

What happens when the kids leave home and you have another 40 or 50 years with someone you don’t love? How is that going to work?

I don’t think it was an OK thing to have done either. I think it was a bit cruel TBH. I suppose though it depends on quite how calculated you were. If you knew early on that you were seeing him as just ‘ok’ but suitable as a potential father then you were being very manipulative and unkind.

SophieSong · 15/08/2019 08:31

Would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with him? Once the parenting days are over?

Do you think he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

purplehamster · 15/08/2019 08:32

I think it's fine.

You can't measure love. Does everybody think they love their partners the same way or same amount as they love you ?

Often romance turns into friendship anyway, especially through the young child years. I often think people who are too lovey dovey are insecure so have to put on a show all the time. And then theirs all the affairs you hear about on here. So nothing is perfect. I think you have to still be you.

queenqueenqueen · 15/08/2019 08:32

This sounds like a sad situation, for everyone ☹️

Original poster
halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 08:33

Well, I’m nearly 40 - kids won’t be leaving home until I’m 60, or even later. I think it’s unlikely we’ll live until we are 100-110! Grin

There are no guarantees. Things could change. I could die, he could die, we both could, we could get ill, or we could both live until we are 90.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 08:34

It sounds sad for him - how much are you pretending in the things you do with him?

Would you be ok if you found out the reverse was true?

Adversecamber22 · 15/08/2019 08:36

I’m not surprised at all that some people do this.

Do you do things for each other, small acts of kindness?

I find men as partners immensely irritating as they require attention. I fortunately lucked out with DH as he and I both like to do things alone at home hobbywise which use quite large tracts of our spare time. Admitting to a relationship outside of the social norm will always bring criticism.

As long as you’re family unit is happy I don’t see a problem at least you don’t have to worry about falling out of love.

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 08:39

Are you happy?

FilthyforFirth · 15/08/2019 08:39

No one is saying marriages for love are perfect, mine certainly isnt, but thr notion that no one is happy in this sort of marriage or that after 30 years of marriage all romance/intimacy is gone, is just ridiculous. For a large number of people this is exactly what happens.

I think you are incredibly selfish and have no idea why you started this thread as you 100% believe it is the right choice. What is there to debate?!

IfThisWasOurHouse · 15/08/2019 08:39

I'm not sure it's all that bad. People of previous generations had arranged marriages (in the UK too!) based on 'logic' and have made it work (before anyone pounced on me, I make a significant difference between arranged and forced marriages!). My parents had one, worked on their marriage and nearly 40 years later are still happy.

I do think it's a shame you sold.yourself short and gave up the chance to have met someone you love but that in itself is.bo guarantee of a long and happy marriage either!

In short, dont beat yourself up over it!

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