Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

[Ems8135]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

[AngelsOnHigh]

DB said they were camping because they couldn't afford a hotel. That would lead me to believe that the wedding was some distance away and would require more than one day.

Just explain to DB that you misunderstood how long it would be for.

Maybe, if you haven't already done so, it would be a good idea to consider grief counselling . It sounds like a very sad situation and 4 days is a very long time to have a 2 year old when your 13 year old has asd.

[SugarPlumLairy2]

You have NOT left it too late.
You have reconsidered all the options and how it affects YOUR family and realise with all best intentions you cannot screw up an entire bank holiday weekend for your family, and affect your own sons mental health in order for them to have a lovely long weekend break .

They are rude, inconsiderate and outright taking advantage,

They need to get another sitter for the wedding or take it in turns to attend and then have their kid with them for rest of the weekend.

cheeky fuckery at its finest 😡

[seven201]

Dear Db. When I agreed to have dn while you were at the wedding I assumed it was for one night. I'm sorry but I can only have db for one night. It's too much for ds and I for longer than that. (If you want to add a sentence or two about your ds not coping with his visits well and/or your losses/grief, then do, but there's nothing wrong with not explaining either)

[Singlenotsingle]

Maybe the DB just doesn't realise what a strain it is looking after someone else's child. But I think YABU to say you can't do it at this late stage, after being asked 2 months ago. Maybe 1 or 2 days, but 4 is too much.

[NoAngel1]

YABU and although your past is very sad and upsetting I don’t think it’s relevant. You said you’d have him so you should.

[IceRebel]

cheeky fuckery at its finest

Really? I agree 4 days is a lot, but as far as her brother and partner know the OP is ok with the arrangement. They asked several months ago, have reconfirmed the details a week ago, and still the OP has said it's all fine. I honestly can't see where they have been cheeky fuckers.

[Crisprat]

OoohMasala

Of course he is taking advantage intentionally. Do you think it was an accident that it was switched to 4 nights? Jeez.

[saraclara]

They are rude, inconsiderate and outright taking advantage,

We don't know that @SugarPlumLairy2
OP said she assumed it was for one night. Not that they said it was for one night.

[OoohMasala]

@crisprat in which post does it say it was switched from one night? It actually says that brother asked her to have the kids over bank holiday and she ASSUMED it was for one night. It sounds like a potential miscommunication to me.

[Apolloanddaphne]

Do you know how far away the wedding is? If it is a fair distance they may need the day before to drop their DS and travel to the place then set up camp. The next day they would be at the wedding and need to stay that night too. I suspect the third night is just for fun. I would suggest to them that you are prepared to have him 2 nights but not 3 as it isn't fair on your own DS.

[NoSauce]

A week ago be told how it was 3nights, why didn’t you say then it was too much?

Is the wedding abroad? Why is it 3 nights? I think you’ve left it too late now OP. Is there anyone else that could share the childcare with you? Another family member?

[Boysey45]

I'd just say something has cropped up and its no longer convenient. I wouldn't do just one day either as there's no way he'll then come to pick him up.
Just text and say your not doing it. I wouldn't worry.

[NoSauce]

It didn’t go from one night to three. The OP assumed it was one night. Which I think is what most people would have done. It should have been ironed out by both the OP and her brother way back when.

[diddl]

" The OP assumed it was one night. Which I think is what most people would have done."

Not necessarily.

But surely the onus is on the brother to ask for exactly what he would like rather than to Op having to say what is/isn't acceptable to her?

If Op tries to pin him down to one or two nights now though, what are the chances that he stays the three anyway?

[Skittlesandbeer]

Quick add- be sure to specify WHICH night you’re prepared to do (if you go ahead with one).

Personally, I’d be loathe to ‘inherit’ DN after potentially 2-3 nights with a paid babysitter, or other family. Sounds like you’ve only had him with you with his parents either side. He could be quite unmanageable if he’s come off his first stint with strangers, or for that long away from mum?

It’s sad for the lad, but I’m thinking from your perspective. You’ve been through enough. Let his parents parent. Don’t add guilt to your plate.

[EileenAlanna]

You're not being unreasonable & you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
Tell your brother that it's too much for you & unfortunately he'll have to make other arrangements. I wouldn't offer to have DN 1 night, what do you do if DB just doesn't come back for him for the full 4 days?
No reason why the can't take their son with them if they have to. If it's a child free wedding then the worst that happens is one stays with the child while the other goes to the event, maybe 1 to the ceremony then the other to the meal.
So sorry for your loss

[NovemberWitch]

All the accusations of CF and deviousness on behalf of the brother, that’s why pathetic wet hens are so very annoying.
All the mincing around of ‘I didn’t like to say....I didn’t know how to...they asked and I just couldn’t...’....’ that women do is infuriating.
People are not telepathic. Some people take you at your word, and if it’s not what you meant, you need to say. Not rely on some sort of subliminal messaging getting through.
You said you’d do it, you didn’t ask for how long and you’ve fannied about until time’s almost up.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Just say that sorry you thought it would be for 1 night; 3 nights and 4 days is too long (and taking the piss to be honest, weddings do not last that long).

Grow a backbone. If you can't be honest with your family, who can you be honest with?

(Sorry about your backstory).

[OoohMasala]

Exactly November!

[NoSauce]

But surely the onus is on the brother to ask for exactly what he would like rather than to Op having to say what is/isn't acceptable to her?

Not at all as it’s the OP doing the looking after! She should have asked months ago how many nights and last week when he said it was 3 nights and four days was the crucial time to say “ what? I only thought it would be one night, I can’t have him that long sorry “

NovemberWitch Is a 100% correct.

[QuickThinkOfAName]

If someone says wedding I assume it's a day so babysitting for one maybe two nights.

If it's anything more than that I think the brother should have specified at the time. I wouldn't have set aside four days for a wedding. I think that's not unreasonable.

I asked if the brother knows the issue the op has with the nephew staying as that has a bearing. If her own son feels unable to leave his room then it's massively unfair to expect her to look after him again and for so long. I also don't know much of the ops personal history he knows (so sorry op ) and whether he realises the impact it has.

But the fact is it's not working for the op. She had the nephew over last month for two days. To be honest that's when I would have mentioned at pick up/post stay over that although you love the nephew him staying over isn't working out so well and ruled herself out of more sleepovers. So yeah I agree leaving it a week isn't great. But she can't change this now.

hindsight is a wonderful thing and the op sounds kind and clearly wants to help. But I think she has to put her son and her own emotional well being first.

[Singlenotsingle]

I suppose the other thing is that really it's a holiday for DB, isn't it? If you agree to have their DS this time for 4 days, he'll take it for granted that you'll do it again another time.

[Evilspiritgin]

Maybe he’s going to a Hindu wedding aren’t they over a couple of days,

Op you have to get in touch today, he’s only got a week in which to sort out alternative childcare

[Cassilis]

YANBU that's way too long. I would still have him for 1 night though.

Although the risk is that they will say 1 night and then call you and say sorry they weren't able to find anyone else for the other 2 nights.

[Hugtheduggee]

You should have checked the length of time before agreeing. None of us know the arrangements for this wedding or where everyone is located which might have an impact on the time.