Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

[Ems8135]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

[whattodowith]

Depends how he worded it.

If he asked ‘can you have nephew over August bank holiday?’ I’d naturally assume he meant the full bank holiday. If he just asked ‘can you have nephew while we go to a wedding during August bank holiday weekend?’ I’d assume one night for the wedding.

Sounds like a communication breakdown. I’m assuming you agreed to it last week when he mentioned it would be 3 nights. I’d be pissed off with you cancelling a week later, will be tricky for them to find alternative childcare at this stage.

[Atalune]

Split the difference and say you can do it for 2 nights. Explain why.

[Butterymuffin]

Depending on how hung over they are they might not be able to drive until the afternoon anyway so why not stay another night

Getting that drunk that your hangover lasts till the afternoon is not compulsory.

[NoSauce]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night

That is not one night to me.

[Madfrogs]

If the dB asked for August bank holiday I would of presumed Saturday morning - Monday evening, possibly even Friday evening.

It depends how he worded it.

Hey sis could you watch dn for one night over the bank holiday for a camping wedding?

Or hey sis could you have dn on August bank holiday so we can camp at a wedding.

I think unless 1 night was said when you agreed you wbu to suddenly pull out. Could you dh not take your child out for some of it or dn to ease the burden in the house? Visit grandparents etc

[NoSauce]

He asked his sister if she could have his son August Bank Holiday. I don’t know whether he meant one night or as others have said he’s now decided to make a holiday of it. But to me August Bank Holiday wouldn’t mean ONE night. The OP has admitted that she assumed it was.

I don’t know why the exact number of nights wasn’t mentioned by both parties way back when but it would have stopped this mess from occurring that’s for sure.

[SavingSpaces2019]

stop with your projecting! He didn’t lie
He DID lie - by omission!

He knew when he received the wedding invite what the accomodation issues were and how long he wanted to be away for.
His type rely on others being too soft or naive to see through their bullshit.

[AgentJohnson]

They are taking the proverbial and know you well enough to know that springing this last minute was the best approach. Do neither of them work? One night doesn’t morph into three without planning.

If you don’t want to be taken for a doormat you need to learn to say no because some people will take advantage if it’s possible.



well

[Custardandnoodle]

I think it depends where the wedding is. If it's a bit of a drive away then 3 nights makes sense, especially as camping. Tbh I don't think he's being massively cheeky if it's a good drive away.

First night they'll need to set the tent up in daylight hours, by the time they get ready and to the venue they might not have time to drive up on the day. The second night is obviously the wedding. Depending on how hung over they are they might not be able to drive until the afternoon anyway so why not stay another night. You see the reasoning?

I would negotiate 2 nights and one of them doesn't drink lots so they are able to drive back the day after. But really, if you've never said you're struggling how is he to know? Time to have an adult conversation and explain what's going on in your head.

That being said, obviously if the wedding is 10 minutes away they're being CF!

[NoSauce]

SavingSpaces2019 stop with your projecting! He didn’t lie, he asked the OP a few months back if she could have her DS over August Bank Holiday, he didn’t say for how many days. Maybe he didn’t know then it was for 3 nights, maybe he’s being cheeky and chancing his arm now and has decided that he’d like to string out his time away?

It’s hard to know as the OP hasn’t been back to fill us in with what was said. The OP had the chance last week to tell him that she thought it would only be one night and not three and actually it was too much for her but didn’t.

But what your post has to do with this is beyond me, you just wanted a rant!

[StoppinBy]

@HennyPennyHorror it is perfectly possible to debate a topic without telling people that they are wrong for not sharing your opinion.... in fact it is a really effective technique that makes it more likely that they may see your point of view as a valid one.

Having a debate works even better when you don't reduce yourself to making personal jibes at others, resorting to insults makes you look like you have no real substance to your argument.

[SavingSpaces2019]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night....He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days

Don't allow your brother to get away with this!
He deliberately lied to you - he knew 2 months ago when he asked you that he was staying away 4 days.
He lied to you in order to manipulate you at the last minute....probably because he knew you'd say no.
This way he can put you on the spot knowing your anxiety and people pleasing were easy things to manipulate.

He's taking you for a mug.
Say no and be done with it.
It's all well and good doing things for family but when it's never reciprocated then you need to draw boundaries - for this exact reason.

My narc sister has form for pulling stunts like this.
She lives in a city down South and at the time i lived in a city Up North.
She rang me one night crying and bawling that her dc were doing her head in and that she couldn't cope - could i come down and help her?
So i booked last minute tickets to travel down (Megabus) that weekend.
On the morning of my travel she called me to say "Oh, if you want a lift from the Station (5 min walk from her house and i always made my own way) then you need to be here for 5pm as we're (her and dh) leaving then"
Me: "Eh? Where are you going?"
NarcSis: "Oh we're booked into a hotel for the weekend"

I turned round and went home - told her i missed my coach.
That was the last straw in a long list of pisstakes and i wasn't playing anymore.
Of course, her DH had been told that it had been agreed with me weeks ago that i would look after the dc whilst they had a weekend away......this would be the dc that she never allowed me to build a relationship with
So guess who was going to get the blame and endless scapegoating when her dc refused to settle for literally a relative stranger, and the grandparents would have had to be 'forced' to step in?

You need to take care of yourself OP - not shoulder your brother and his wife's responsibilities - especially when he doesn't seem to give two shits about you or your dc.

[ShhhBeQuiet]

Really sorry if I've missed a post but I don't think the poster is listening to anyone. She is long gone so it's a bit pointless everyone giving this any thought.

[summersherewishiwasnt]

Your dh is taking the piss, one night for the wedding yes. No to all other days. Tell the truth, it’s too much.

[rookiemere]

I think it's a bit histrionic to be throwing the words "hoodwinked" and "duped around ".

DB did not know that OP found it hard to look after his DC as I don't think she told him. It is indeed a bit of a liberty to assume she'd be ok for 3 nights childcare, but she did agree to it in principle without knowing the duration.

Someone needs to talk to the DB and yes I do think a compromise is in order, so the one or two nights that OP originally agreed to offer seems right to me. Realistically it is too late for DB to source any other childcare for an overnighter.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

When is the wedding and how long ago did your brother tell you it was for 3-4 nights

[MzHz]

I also think that if OP can't manage it, H needs today it for her.

[MzHz]

if you can't do it OP, you can't do it.

You don't have to stick to this if you really can't.

I think your brother knew exactly what he was doing, he hoodwinked you!

ANYONE with half a brain would make sure that you knew that it was 3 days.

You also had this little boy a month ago for 2 days and found that too much, had you even known THEN that your brother was asking you to have his toddler for 3 nights you would have said something.

You need to speak up - this is not just a case of you not being arsed to do this, your son will hole up in his room, you will feel grief and it will be an ordeal for everyone.

"Brother, you asked us ages ago to have DN for this wedding, at no point did you say it was for 4 days. I feel a bit duped here. I don't think you understand the enormity of what you are asking - DS shuts himself in his room and I fall apart remembering my losses and it's just too much. I'm going to have to decline, you will have to find someone else to have DN"

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

HollowTalk has a point. Usually I hate husbands speaking for their wives, but sometimes, if you are feeling too fragile to speak strongly for yourself, it can be handy to have someone to step in and speak for you. This would also make it harder for the brother to dismiss her concerns or pressure her into doing the favour.

It will be a shame for them to miss the wedding, but that's just how it is sometimes. Childcare can fall through at any time and that's something we have to accept as parents. (I rarely had any childcare either, until my first child was 17 and I could bribe him, so we had to turn down a lot of invitations, or cancel plans at the last minute.)

[HollowTalk]

Can you get your husband to tell your brother that he doesn't want to spend his bank holiday with someone else's child?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

As for op giving more time, I could not have rallied one person to look after dd let alone an army of willing souls.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Cassilis
Bluntness can be pretty blunt. However I think you’ve been rude rather than she.

Hugthe
Yes I get what you’re saying. My wedding was later in the afternoon so I was counting the hours that way. Anyway the op hasn’t confirmed how far away the wedding is so this is a moot point.

[NoSauce]

Just say no. They will get over it

I doubt the OP will do that somehow

[HennyPennyHorror]

@StoppinBy I can say what I like in relation to your post on here. And I can disagree with it too....ALL I like. That's because this is a discussion forum where people comment on other posts. Are you someone who has difficulty with flexibility in life?

You seem rather literal.

[Scorpiovenus]

Just say no. They will get over it.