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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

164 replies

Ems8135 · 15/08/2019 01:37

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 15/08/2019 06:47

Just say you can only manage 2 nights. Afterwards why don't you confide in your brother, let him know how hard it can be for your son, and the grief feelings looking after your nephew brings to the fore.

lovelookslikethis · 15/08/2019 06:57

Your brother is taking advantage of your kindness, and abusing your offer.

Confirm you can only do ONE night only at the very most.

Your brother should consider himself very lucky to have your help at all.
I would have no qualms whatsoever of refusing any childcare if he does not agree immediately.

Your brother is a CF

Palaver1 · 15/08/2019 07:00

I don’t think her brother is a CF.
I think you only ask this sort of help from a person you truly trust.
OP pick up the phone ant tell him as soon as possible your thoughts.

Bourbonbiccy · 15/08/2019 07:01

Surely you can talk to your brother and explain the situation. I definitely would do this as soon as possible as it bank holiday they will already struggle to find alternative arrangements so to leave it any later would be unreasonable.

I'm sure he will understand though, and going forward be clear on what you are agreeing to before saying yes.

MaverickSnoopy · 15/08/2019 07:02

Can you remember how he worded the original request?

Aside from anything, what if you had plans to do something. He cant just assume that you'll be able to cover 4 days.

It's too much for you. Don't feel guilty about it but say something sooner rather than later.

OhTheRoses · 15/08/2019 07:05

I'm going against the grain here. He said a week ago that it was 3 nights and you didn't say no. I think you have to play a straight bat and explain your feelings to your bro, explain you didn't feel able to tell him straight away, of course you will do the one night you originally thought this was but for the sake of your mh, can they see if they can make alternative arrangements for the other two nights but if not you and your DH will work together to look after him.

I am very sorry about your dd and the subsequent miscarriages and also appreciate how difficult it is to have a child with sn. May I ask what help and support you are getting for your anxiety? Have you been to your Dr recently or been in contact with a charity like SANDS. Whatever you do about your nephew, please get help now with your MH and get on the road to recovery. Your brother needs to know how much you are struggling - do you have other family?

Flowers
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2019 07:11

How inconsiderate people can some people be? They are really taking advantage of you without thinking how looking after a little one could affect you. You really do need to tackle this now. If it means they can no longer go, so be it. Your mental health is worth more than their jollies.

NovemberWitch · 15/08/2019 07:13

Of course you have the right to back out at any time, but if I was your brother, I’d be pretty pissed off at you dithering around until the last minute and then leaving me a few days to come up with something.
Doesn’t matter how often you see him, you should be a reliable person where yes is yes and no is no. Otherwise, you can’t be trusted and in my family, that’s a big deal.

justilou1 · 15/08/2019 07:14

He will be angry, because he has form for taking advantage of you already and he deliberately misled you again. Set up some boundaries now. Just say no.

NovemberWitch · 15/08/2019 07:18

I agree she should say no from now on, and that she should have said no this time. But she made a commitment, she should carry through.

Moomooboo · 15/08/2019 07:19

I’d be incredibly annoyed if I asked you several times if it was okay and you said yes yes yes and then a week before the event you pulled out. Yes obviously it’s your life and you’re entitled to do that and you have your issues with your nephew and your son, but you’ve said you would do it and they’ve paid money on the basis that you’ve said you would do it.

If you couldn’t do it you should have said no when they first asked you, not a week before the event when anybody else they would have asked will now say no it’s too short notice...

Superstar101 · 15/08/2019 07:23

I think pulling out so late is shitty.

I’d be annoyed if someone cancelled on me so late.

You said yes, I’d do it this time and then never do it again.

rosedream · 15/08/2019 07:26

Be honest.

Say you've had a long think and 3 nights is too much for your son to cope with and that you find it hard after your loss. That you'll be happy to go back to the original plan of a night but 3 nights is not doable.

I think there may be miss communication or not communicating clearly about the request. However you have left it a little while to respond after he said the 3 nights.

RainRainGoAway12 · 15/08/2019 07:28

That’s nothing! We offered to look after young family children for 6/7 nights so BIL could go on a specific special holiday for a big birthday. He booked 14 nights and didn’t tell anyone until a couple of months before! He has a history of being a CF though!

bwydda · 15/08/2019 07:29

If he's camping surely two nights is expected- campsites usually have check in 12-1, add an hour to put up a tent, then unpack etc so they can't attend wedding the first day! Second day they attend wedding- reception finishes at what 10pm? They may have had a drink but even if not can't pack up then. After the first two nights though- then they're taking advantage, unless they have best man/ maid of honour duties before the wedding?

As you agreed and there's only a week to go it would be very rude to pull out I think. They'll have told the wedding couple they are attending- that would coat the wedding couple money- they'll have made plans and told friends etc all on the basis of your agreement. You had the opportunity to decline, last week, but didn't. If you were caught I'd guard when he said it, you could have called him later that day/ in the morning and clarified. Leaving it and therefore letting hem make arrangements e t and then pulling out will have an impact on more than just them . IMO that's not fair

gamerchick · 15/08/2019 07:31

I’d be incredibly annoyed if I asked you several times if it was okay and you said yes yes yes and then a week before the event you pulled out. Yes obviously it’s your life and you’re entitled to do that and you have your issues with your nephew and your son, but you’ve said you would do it and they’ve paid money on the basis that you’ve said you would do it

This^

Putting aside the backstory, which is very sad. You have agreed multiple times and are putting off dropping them in it. It's getting close and you need to act today if you're not going to have your nephew. Whether it be for the one night you thought or not at all.

Waiting until the last minute is a shitty thing to do under any circumstances.

Sceptre86 · 15/08/2019 07:37

I think telling them a week before might well scupper up their plans. You should never assume anything when asked to take care of someone else's child and should have been more direct in asking how long for. In general I would not have nephew over as they dont reciprocate and it affects your son so much. I would take care of him this time but make it known I would not be doing so again. Get your partner to do so if you are unable to because of your anxiety.

Chitarra · 15/08/2019 07:39

It was wrong of him to mis-lead you (although maybe this was an assumption / breakdown in communications / he didn't really know at the time rather than deliberate), but I think it would be worse if you pulled out now at such short notice. I think 2 nights would be a good compromise and I like Newmumma83's message.

IceRebel · 15/08/2019 07:40

You say you feel you have been misled, but even when you were told how long it was for you didn't say no.

It's far too late to refuse now, especially given you have known for at least a week that it would be for 3 nights.

Di11y · 15/08/2019 07:41

could you do 2 nights?

Quartz2208 · 15/08/2019 07:41

Be truthful and say sorry for any confusion but it’s too much you can still do the agreed wedding bit but this is now clearly a break and it’s too much for you

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2019 07:42

I think this is awkward as you've already agreed and both parties should clearly have clarified how long at the time.

You have a right to say no, clearly he will likely be reasonably pissed off about it.

You just have to say sorry I didn't realise it was so long, but I think uou need to think about how he worded the request, if he said can you have x over the bank holiday weekend that would likely mean the full weekend.

It is what it is and you need to speak to him.

rookiemere · 15/08/2019 07:43

I think that DB should have said length of time a long time ago and that you should have expressed your concerns when you found out it was 3 nights.

I think it's worth ringing him and saying you were surprised by the length of time and ask if it can be cut short to one or two nights. If that's not possible then I feel you need to do it as you said you would, but probably best to remove yourself from DBs babysitting list in future.

Thingsthatgo · 15/08/2019 07:43

I think you really needed to say something straight away. It’s getting very late for them to make alternative arrangements. IMO it’s completely fine to say no to people, but it needs to be done straight away. Agreeing to something and backing out is very frustrating. I think that a week ago, when your db mentioned it was 3 nights, would have been the time to say ‘sorry. I had assumed it was just one night, and that’s all I can do.’

Constance1234 · 15/08/2019 07:45

I think if they asked if you could have him and you agreed without clarifying how long it would be for then you are obligated to have him if they don't have anyone else to take him

I don't think anyone is obligated to do anything. However you've left it a week to let them know after finding out how long it would be for, so I can see why they will be really pissed off with you. On the other hand your mental health is the most important thing here, and I also don't understand why they need you to have him for so long for one wedding. You are in a tricky situation (partly of your own making), but you have to put your own family unit first.

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