Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

[Ems8135]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

[kjhkj]

I would be saying you had misunderstood and you can only have him for two mights. That won't scupper their plans to attend the wedding, just their plans to have some extra time alone before/afterwards.

[timeisnotaline]

It might be late notice but he did try and pull one on the op. Cancel and if he gets shitty say I know it’s so unreasonable of me when you have looked after my ds so often. Never mind ds is. 11 so I’ve got 9 years to make up the difference. I’m sorry you’re in a bind now , the moral is not to try and sneak extra days away in because you think I’m a doormat.

[BarbariansMum]

You dont like to say no to family - but you do like to let them down last minute? Because that's so much easier? If you can't do 4 days offer 1 or 2. And next time they ask say no.

[ColdAndSad]

If you were asked to have your nephew overnight, but now it's three nights, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you can't do it. Tell them now, as soon as you can so that they can make alternative arrangements.

[BeanBag7]

I think you've left it too long after they told you it would be 4 nights. You should have rung him back that day and explained that you cant do it. I dont think you're unreasonable but I think you'll have to do it now and next time make sure you clarify the dates and times early on.

Also you said your brother has never looked after your son, have you ever asked him to?

[Soontobe60]

Op, I think that YABU in that you should have clarified the number of nights when your brother asked, and then could have said no, one night only thanks. Or given your history, could just have said no from the outset. But you didn't. I imagine your brother asked if you could have him over the Bank holiday weekend and you assumed that meany just one night.
If you are only now willing to have him for one or two nights you need to tell your brother and be prepared for him to be annoyed at you. It's very short notice for them to get alternative childcare, they will have paid camping fees and it may mean that they cannot attend this wedding.

[bevelino]

I feel sorry for the little boy, maybe dgp could look after him.

[diddl]

Perhaps assuming just one night was daft, but you need to start saying no straight away to things that don't suit you/your son.

How much could your husband do to make it more bearable for you if you go ahead/reduce it to 2 nights?

[ShhhBeQuiet]

I think leaving it a week after him telling you that it’s for three nights before telling him it’s too long means it’s change to be really bad if you drop out now. I understand your reasons for wanting to though.
Are there any other relatives that could help out? I think the fact you had your nephew for a couple of nights a month ago makes your brothers request for three nights seem ok. Did you tell your brother you had any reservations about it then?
Otherwise, if you really think you can’t do it, then you need to be honest with your brother. If you are never usually flakey then hopefully he should understand.
I’m not sure it’s relevant that your brother hasn’t looked after your son. Have you ever asked him to?
Ultimately it’s up to you whether you agree to look after your nephew or not in future but if you don’t won’t to then you will have to learn that it’s ok to say no. Your brother might genuinely be thinking that you like looking after your nephew? I don’t think he is being cheeky.

[Tonnerre]

The trouble is that you've left this for a week, and the date is now very close. If you'd said No immediately, you would have given them more time to find alternatives.

[Gizlotsmum]

If you don't feel able to do it you have to tell them now. Explain why, no excuses just you can't handle it for that many nights. They will be cross, you're real opportunity to challenge it was a week ago and they are unlikely to be able to arrange alternative childcare this close to the bank holiday. Could you offer 1 or 2 nights? Good luck but the sooner you tell them the better and be prepared for anger and resentment, being told you are ruining their plans...

[FireBloodAndIce]

You need to say no now OP, not leave it any longer. You should have said when he told you or soon after.

Yes he sounds taking advantage by misleading you in the first place. Saying it's for a wedding implies one day/night, but you should have said no right away.

Call and tell him now. No way in your situation i would expect that much childcare from my sibling.

[saraclara]

It's too late. Why on earth didn't you challenge him a week ago?

Yes, it was entirely unfair if he did move the goalposts, but actually you only say you assumed that it was for one night. So this might simply be a misunderstanding rather than him being deliberately deceitful.
You can't really leave him in the lurch at this late stage, if you didn't firm up what the arrangement was back when he first asked you.

[cccameron]

They're taking the piss out of you. They've basically built a little holiday around the wedding, which would have been fine if they had been honest from the start and you could have made an informed choice. If you really feel you can't cope you need to let them know that you can only do the one night. How far away is the wedding?

[CalmdownJanet]

I voted yabu but not because of your reasoning, I think that's totally fair but I think it's very unfair to not have spoken up, I think wanting to please people is a pathetic excuse, you definitely aren't going to please them now anyway. You need to speak up today and reduce it to two nights

[justmyview]

I sympathise with your personal circumstances but I think you've left it very late to pull out. It's unclear whether DB misled you about the length of trip, or whether you just assumed (wrongly) that it would be one night only. Better to ask if they could cut the trip short, or find someone else to take DN for a night or two

[Beautiful3]

I think tell him the truth. "I can do one night but no more as it would be too much for me." What can he say to that.

[timshelthechoice]

Why didn't you chime up, 'Oi, I agreed a weekend, not a holiday!' a week ago? They're taking the piss. Tell them 2 nights max, it's a wedding not a holiday.

[formerbabe]

They're taking the piss. One night or two maximum is plenty for a wedding....sounds like they are turning it into a childfree holiday at your expense.

[Joanneisacoolname]

First of all, very sorry for your loss. Your brother is deliberately and deviously taking advantage of you. Mine used to do things like this, until I put a stop to it. Its not too late to not be taken advantage of. Just phone him, calmly tell him the original agreement was one night, you’ve had time to think about this four night situation, and its not going to work for anyone, especially if child doesn’t settle with you,

[ShhhBeQuiet]

Your brother is deliberately and deviously taking advantage of you

You don’t and can’t know this. For all we know the brother may think the OP enjoys looking after her nephew. She looked after him for two nights a month ago then agreed to have him again. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for the brother to think her agreeing to his request meant that she was happy to do it.

[ineedaholidaynow]

It looks as if your DB likes to use you if you only seen him, separate from family events, if he wants you to look after his son.

Also, unless you misunderstood when he first asked you, he had only given 2 weeks notice of wanting you to have your nephew for 3 nights not 1. You could have made other plans for the rest of the bank holiday.

You need to speak to him as soon as possible. How far away is the wedding? I assume they are making a long weekend of it rather than the wedding is lasting that long. If the wedding is not far could they pick up their son early and he can enjoy the camping trip too?

[OoohMasala]

Can't you just talk to your brother? The longer you leave it the more you become unreasonable. YANBU to tell them you only want to do 1 night early on so they can make plans. YABU to sit on this for ages (it's been a week already) and pull out last minute.

[NoSquirrels]

Tell him what you’ve told us.

Offer to have him overnight for 1 night instead.

[OoohMasala]

Also, to those saying that your brother is taking advantage intentionally and is devious etc... How can anyone possibly know that?