Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

[Ems8135]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

[Hugtheduggee]

Time40, I personally use Bluntness views on mn as a yardstick of reasonablness. Not rude, usually spot on.

[NoSauce]

Hugtheduggee same here, she’s usually the voice of reason.

[Cassilis]

@Hugtheduggee sucking up to posters is cringe

[Oly4]

I’d say you’re happy to do two nights.
I think it would be unfair of you to say no to the whole thing though!

[Tonnerre]

You have NOT left it too late. You have reconsidered all the options and how it affects YOUR family

But the trouble is that OP has take a week to do that - a week in which the brother could have made alternative arrangements that might not be possible now. Nothing has changed in terms of OP's circumstances during that week.

[Time40]

Bluntness, I never said it would be easy. I said it would be easier to sort something out with eleven days to go than it would be with only a couple of days, which is true.

Your manner is really very unpleasant, you know. I hope you don't go around trying to pick unnecessary and silly fights with people in real life.

[NoSauce]

Cassilis blimey aren’t you a peach.
There’s nothing wrong with agreeing with someone or defending them when someone has said something not very nice about them.

[Cassilis]

Yes but it’s the same old posters cliquing together on threads. Depressing.

[NoSauce]

Is it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen the poster hugtheduggee if I’m honest let alone her sucking up to Bluntness.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

OP, I've been in a very similar situation and it wasn't a case of not wanting to help, it was just harder the first time than I had anticipated and I didn't feel able to face it again. I'm a few years further down the road than you, but there are some times when my baby's death still pops up and punches me in the face.
If you feel that you can't face it, then you need to speak up. Some people will be inconvenienced, but that would be the same if you got the flu or broke your leg. Your mental health and your son must come first. If your brother is likely to understand then tell him how you feel, but if not then fake an illness or infestation.
At worst, your brother will stop using you as childcare and may ignore you at family gatherings, is that such a loss given your fairly distant relationship?

[omafiet]

I completely understand why three nights would be too much for you - although I don't necessarily agree that your brother has taken advantage in asking. However - you've known for a week that you need to say no and still haven't said anything - that's very unreasonable and I think your brother will (rightly) be very unhappy. You need to call him today to give him chance to find alternative arrangements.

[Aprillygirl]

I'm sorry for your losses
OP but you really should have told your brother a week ago that there'd been a miscommunication between you. Stop procrastinating and tell him exactly what you have told us NOW, so he at least he has a little time to sort out alternative arrangements.

[Bluntness100]

This isn't school,I think we can agree or disagree with other posters without ridiculous accusations of sucking up or being rude. As far as I know no one is twelve here. So let's not pretend we are.

[Cassilis]

Thank you for proving my point about hanging up on people 😂

And bonus points for the ‘are you 12?’ implication. You’re not school girl like at all

[Scorpiovenus]

Just say no. They will get over it.

[HennyPennyHorror]

@StoppinBy I can say what I like in relation to your post on here. And I can disagree with it too....ALL I like. That's because this is a discussion forum where people comment on other posts. Are you someone who has difficulty with flexibility in life?

You seem rather literal.

[NoSauce]

Just say no. They will get over it

I doubt the OP will do that somehow

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Cassilis
Bluntness can be pretty blunt. However I think you’ve been rude rather than she.

Hugthe
Yes I get what you’re saying. My wedding was later in the afternoon so I was counting the hours that way. Anyway the op hasn’t confirmed how far away the wedding is so this is a moot point.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

As for op giving more time, I could not have rallied one person to look after dd let alone an army of willing souls.

[HollowTalk]

Can you get your husband to tell your brother that he doesn't want to spend his bank holiday with someone else's child?

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

HollowTalk has a point. Usually I hate husbands speaking for their wives, but sometimes, if you are feeling too fragile to speak strongly for yourself, it can be handy to have someone to step in and speak for you. This would also make it harder for the brother to dismiss her concerns or pressure her into doing the favour.

It will be a shame for them to miss the wedding, but that's just how it is sometimes. Childcare can fall through at any time and that's something we have to accept as parents. (I rarely had any childcare either, until my first child was 17 and I could bribe him, so we had to turn down a lot of invitations, or cancel plans at the last minute.)

[MzHz]

if you can't do it OP, you can't do it.

You don't have to stick to this if you really can't.

I think your brother knew exactly what he was doing, he hoodwinked you!

ANYONE with half a brain would make sure that you knew that it was 3 days.

You also had this little boy a month ago for 2 days and found that too much, had you even known THEN that your brother was asking you to have his toddler for 3 nights you would have said something.

You need to speak up - this is not just a case of you not being arsed to do this, your son will hole up in his room, you will feel grief and it will be an ordeal for everyone.

"Brother, you asked us ages ago to have DN for this wedding, at no point did you say it was for 4 days. I feel a bit duped here. I don't think you understand the enormity of what you are asking - DS shuts himself in his room and I fall apart remembering my losses and it's just too much. I'm going to have to decline, you will have to find someone else to have DN"

[MzHz]

I also think that if OP can't manage it, H needs today it for her.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

When is the wedding and how long ago did your brother tell you it was for 3-4 nights

[rookiemere]

I think it's a bit histrionic to be throwing the words "hoodwinked" and "duped around ".

DB did not know that OP found it hard to look after his DC as I don't think she told him. It is indeed a bit of a liberty to assume she'd be ok for 3 nights childcare, but she did agree to it in principle without knowing the duration.

Someone needs to talk to the DB and yes I do think a compromise is in order, so the one or two nights that OP originally agreed to offer seems right to me. Realistically it is too late for DB to source any other childcare for an overnighter.