Changing my mind about looking after my nephew

[Ems8135]

My older brother asked me a couple of months ago to have my nephew (2) on August bank holiday for what I assumed was a night. He and his wife are attending a wedding and will be camping due to cost of a hotel room. He said about a week ago it is 3 nights and 4 days. I live in a 2 bed flat with my son (13) and husband. I was surprised by the length of time but don’t like to say no to my family. My son has asd and when my nephew is around doesn’t really leave his room, due to not feeling comfortable with a little one around. I also had my baby daughter die just over 5 years ago and have had 2 miscarriages since. I had my nephew for 2 nights a month ago and found it very hard emotionally, he is lovely but almost a reminder of what I don’t have especially at bedtime when I cuddle up for bedtime stories. I have grief induced anxiety and I don’t want to look after my nephew for that long as my anxiety is getting worse just thinking about it. I don’t want to let my brother down , but he has never looked after my son his whole life, so don’t think he can get annoyed if I say I can’t do it now. I don’t see my brother very often only for family occasions or if he wants me to look after my nephew. Am I in the wrong if I say I can’t look after him now?

[Juells]

You should have checked the length of time before agreeing

Anyone normal would expect that it would be one night, for a wedding. It's not the OP's fault her brother pulled a fast one.

[GabsAlot]

JUst say due to your sons sn you cant have nephew for that long it will affect him too much

[Hugtheduggee]

Juells

No, that's your assumption again. If you don't want to get caught out, don't assume.

The wedding could be a 6 hour drive away. It might be that the OP lives quite far from her brother, and so drop off before the wedding wouldn't work, necessitating 2 nights away.

We don't know the circumstances. We don't know what was discussed. All we know is the OP made an assumption that was in the circumstances incorrect.

[NoSauce]

Anyone normal would expect that it would be one night, for a wedding. It's not the OP's fault her brother pulled a fast one

What’s the saying about assuming?

[Fowles94]

They're being ridiculous, 1 night is adequate.

I'm sorry for your losses too 💕

[CheshireChat]

Sorry, but as it's the brother asking for a favour, then he should've mentioned it's for more than one night and made sure the OP will be happy to do it.

It does sound like he deliberately obfuscated the length of time as honestly, how hasn't it never come up in conversation until now?

[theresnotthatmuchtoit]

Given its his child - the most precious thing in his life presumably - that the brother is leaving with the OP, and not a potted geranium or a goldfish, it was absolutely on him to be 109% clear about the arrangements.

After all no parent would want to leave their own very small, wholly helpless and dependant child in the sole care of someone who didn't want to or wasn't in a position to look after them, or to leave them for longer than the adult in charge could cope - would they?

[theresnotthatmuchtoit]

That was meant to be 100 not 109...

[Time40]

I don't understand why so many people think the OP has left it too late to change her mind. The bank holiday isn't for eleven days - that's plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Tell him one night only, OP. Tell him now.

(I wouldn't fancy camping in a tent and trying to make myself look smart for a wedding. I don't envy them that.)

[NoSauce]

It would depend if the brother has other people to mind his son to whether it’s too late surely? He told the OP a few months ago and yes it should have been outlined how many days for by him.

[theresnotthatmuchtoit]

NoSauce I disagree. If the op is unable to cope with her brother's child for three days and four nights her brother will have to change his plans.

Childcare is the parent of the child's problem.

My in laws used to have our children overnight sometimes, and agreed to have them so DH and I could go on a holiday together for 4 nights when the children were aged between 5 and 11. Less than 12 hours before the holiday MIL felt unwell and not really up to it and FIL didn't feel he could look after them with her out of action. We had to cancel and list about 60% of the money - our kids, our problem. That was several years ago and we still haven't had that holiday.

If the brother hasn't got childcare he can't go or will have to take his child. That's parenting.

[NoSauce]

She doesn’t have to look after him of course. I’m just surprised none of this was discussed before now and when it was last week the OP didn’t say “ woah 3 nights? I thought it would be 1, sorry I can’t do that “ giving the brother an extra week to sort alternative arrangements.

Just seems a bit arse about tit.

[Bluntness100]

I don't understand why so many people think the OP has left it too late to change her mind. The bank holiday isn't for eleven days - that's plenty of time to make other arrangements

You must know a lot of people who have no plans for the bank holiday and who you'd be comfortable leaving your child alone with for this time, and who would be happy to do it.

Good for you. The rest of us however don't have that luxury and make plans well in advance. Like the brother. Can you really not comprehend how others might not have the same support network as you?

[NoSauce]

Exactly Bluntness.

[Cassilis]

Well the brother shouldn’t have misled his sister.

This is more bloody woman work.

[NoSauce]

It’s more of a miscommunication and assumption than misleading.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as though they could possibly afford one night in a hotel and are opting for 3 in a tent instead. Tbh even if it were a 6 hour drive, there is nothing stopping them from driving down one day and back the next if they stay in a hotel.

[Cassilis]

Well he needs to accept the consequences of it and make alternative arrangements. Not OP’s problem.

[Time40]

Can you really not comprehend how others might not have the same support network as you?

Of course I can, but there are eleven days to go. It's quite a long time. Saying No now isn't like saying No with only a couple of days left to go.

[Bluntness100]

I don't think he misled either, I think it was more a misunderstanding.

And time, I think you live in a little bubble.

[NoSauce]

Well it depends whether he has other people to ask. It’s 11 days away but it’s an August Bank holiday, a bit different to a weekend in November.

[BarbariansMum]

@NovemberWitch spot on! There's something so pa about agreeing to something, then moaning or wiggling out of arrangements on the basis that people took what you said at face value.

[Time40]

And time, I think you live in a little bubble

Bluntness, your username is ill-chosen. It ought to be Rudeness.

[Bluntness100]

Time, I don't really give a shit if you perceive it as rude but bottom line is very many people don't have other people they can ask to take their child for three nights. The fact you can't understand that is irrelevant.

And the fact you simply can't understand it and think it's easy with eleven days to go to find someone else to take them means uou live in some form of bubble.

We wouldn't have had anyone. And neither would many people on this thread. Others would have, most folk understand that people's support network varies.

Lucky you you can organise three nights of childcare over a bank holiday with eleven days to go. Most folks don't have that luxury.

I think you pretty much need to accept that no matter how much you don't understand it.

[Hugtheduggee]

Mummyoflittledragon

No, it being 6 hours would render 1 night impossible.

Say the wedding was at noon (most will be aroundish then). A 6 hour drive (adding in contingency and stops) would mean leaving at 5am. Add in the time taken to get up the child, drive round to Ops, drop him off, get back on the road. Even if the OP lives very close to her brother, that means dragging the child out at 4am, at the absolute latest. I'm sure the OP wpuld welcome a grumpily woken up toddler arriving in the early hours of the morning.

Or just as bad, they go up they night before and leave the wedding early. Chances were they wouldn't get get away till at least 6pm, which would mean picking up said toddler at 1am.

And that's all basing it on them driving. If they're using public transport even if it's not as far, it could make 1 night logistically a nightmare.

But in any event, the OP was just assuming it was one night. The brother hasn't pulled a fast one here, it just sounds like missed communication.