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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - not to punish DS for this?

159 replies

IndigoHexagon · 14/08/2019 18:27

My sons friends parents seem to think I am being unreasonable because I won’t punish (or in fact tell him off) my ds14 for something that happened yesterday at a local event.

DS went to event with some friends and two of the friends parents. The kids went off alone while there but were called by ds friend to come and sort out an issue that had arisen.

Ds and his group of male friends had met up with others - including a young lady who (according to all the boys) spent the afternoon being a bit silly - pretending to faint on a fairground ride and then going on again, generally over reacting and screaming at every little thing. Just a bit OTT in general, but she’s know for being like this at school too.

Said girl won a goldfish at one of those hoop a duck stalks. She was swinging the bag around and at one point opened the bag a plucked the fish out and then threw it on the floor when it was wriggling. DS was horrified, snatched the bag off her, picked up the fish and then refused to give it back to her. He then returned to the stall and made them take it back, while telling them how awful it was that they were abusing the fish by giving them out as prizes. The girl started getting hysterical, screaming that my ds had stolen her fish. dS have her the £2 it cost for her to win the fish, but she continued screaming and crying. DS friend called his mum because security came over and refused to let the boys go while the girl was so upset. I actually think that there was no issue with this, security needed to ascertain that the girl wasn’t hurt after all. When ds friends mum came and the story unfolded, she was mortified that Ds had caused such a commotion, brought the boys straight home and was very upset that their day was cut short due to my sons appalling behaviour.

She’s bonkers right? She called me today outraged that she’d see DS outside when I should have grounded him. I’m actually quite proud of him for his actions.

She’s uninvited DS in a shopping trip next week with her son as a result. Am I missing something here?

OP posts:
Derbee · 14/08/2019 21:48

Also, can’t believe it’s still legal to have fish as prizes. ☹️
The last fair we went to, they were giving out bags of water with a little piece of carrot in them. 😀

BumbleBeee69 · 14/08/2019 21:49

Her name wasn't DARLA per chance Hmm

your Son did the right thing OP.

tensmum1964 · 14/08/2019 21:49

Your son sounds like a lovely young man. I would be proud of my son if he had done this. This parent is an idiot, i would be inclined to say to her "not only am I not punishing him, I will reward him for his compassionate behaviour".

Thehop · 14/08/2019 21:50

Your son is marvellous.

Original poster
IndigoHexagon · 14/08/2019 21:51

Thank you again to all of you that have said such nice things about my son. I, like I’m sure most of you have, tried to raise my son to do the right thing and to stand up for himself and others that are unable to, even when that means standing up to his friends (although the girl could only loosely be called that in this case).

Thank you to, for those offering a different viewpoint. There are always multiple sides to the story.

When my son came home this evening, with another of his friends that were there, I asked them a bit more about what happened. He pretty much repeated what I’ve already said - I asked if he’d shouted or said anything to cause the girl to become more upset than simply removing the fish, and both him and his friend said that he’d only stepped in when the fish was actually on the ground and he’d been quite calm throughout. There were a few ‘for Gods sake’ and some suggestion that she was being stupid but that came from ALL of the teens that were there including the girls friends. Both boys think she was just attention seeking, looking for a reaction, she acts similarly on other occasions too.

My son didn’t ‘lecture’ the stall holder - simply stated that they shouldn’t be giving fish away as prizes - the stallholder didn’t say much and simply took the fish back.

The security team only kept the boys in the tent while trying to get the girl calmed down - they didn’t call the parents - my sons friend did that when he thought they were going to get in trouble, which to be honest is what I would have wanted him to do as a parent. I think it’s more than likely the case that the mum presumed the boys were in trouble because they were in the security tent so over-reacted. I don’t know the girls parents and neither I nor my son know if they were called so I can’t comment there.

I’ve rearranged the shopping trip (it was for trainers for school!) and now I’m taking him and a few of his friends instead. Lucky me! I will be supervising to a degree (from the nearest Starbucks) but I’m confident that the boys will know how to behave, and what to do if anything does crop up that they feel they need me for.

I will always have my sons back - that’s what mums are for after all!

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 14/08/2019 21:57

If I, a middle aged woman, had seen a teenage girl throw a goldfish onto the floor I would have been appalled and horrified and would have done as your DS did. I would not have given the girl £2 back either.

I suspect and hope most posters would have done the same.

Sewrainbow · 14/08/2019 22:00

Yanbu, I wouldn't put ish him either

Fruitbatdancer · 14/08/2019 22:07

As a minor aside I won one of those fish in the late 90’s, bloody thing lived for 10 years 🤣 my mum was not impressed as she spent 9 and 3/4 years cleaning it out and feeding it 😬
Your son did good OP.

EileenAlanna · 14/08/2019 22:28

Tell your DS he's gotten a great big Star from MN. He's a son to be proud of.

FrancisCrawford · 15/08/2019 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueWonder · 15/08/2019 04:13

*I would talk the situation through with him - partly so he knows he can trust you to listen but also so he understands to think twice in unexpected situations. Events can spin out of control very quickly when teens are involved so he needs to make sure his behaviour is measured.

Nonetheless you should be proud of your boy.*

This

mathanxiety · 15/08/2019 04:31

I think it's incredibly sad that a girl well on her way to legal adulthood is so starved of attention that she is willing to make a spectacle of herself in order to get some.

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 04:44

There is a scene in the movie Interstellar re the teacher wants a father to punish his daughter for “outlandish” behavior. Instead, he describes how he is going to take her to a baseball game and buy her popcorn.

Your son should have whatever his version of baseball and popcorn happens to be. He showed real character standing up to his peers behaving poorly.

BogglesGoggles · 15/08/2019 05:06

@swingofthings gold fish die easily from stress - we used to raise them when I was a child so I am quite familiar with them. We let our friend take some one (pond over crowded). He finished most of the out (without us knowing) and dropped a whole bunch of them/ threw some back etc. About half of the ones that were left floated to the surface over the next day from the stress.

ravenshope · 15/08/2019 07:38

Another one adding to the chorus of what a fabulous son you have raised.
Hope he enjoys his shopping trip!

starfish2385 · 15/08/2019 07:44

Absolutely agree that your son did a great job op Star enjoy the Starbucks op!

IndigoSkye · 15/08/2019 09:14

Your son sounds great. He didn't cause a commotion, this girls did.

ladymariner · 15/08/2019 09:19

Yep, a massive well done to your son from me too, he did exactly the right thing. Enjoy your trip out with them.

Littlebelina · 15/08/2019 10:06

This article summarises the current position on giving goldfish as prizes (essentially still legal in large parts of the UK with caveats but not in Scotland. Some English councils have banned it).

injaf.org/aquarium-fish/the-goldfish-section/a-fish-is-a-life-not-just-a-fairground-prize/

Have to admit I thought it was banned until I saw people leaving a fair recently clutching bags Sad

LillithsFamiliar · 15/08/2019 10:10

Vet I wasn't downplaying the upset to the fish. I don't believe the other mum thought OP's DS should be punished for rescuing a fish. The only adult who was there (the other mum) obviously felt OP's DS had behaved inappropriately which makes me think the DS may have added to the drama.

Veterinari · 15/08/2019 11:54

The only adult who was there (the other mum) obviously felt OP's DS had behaved inappropriately which makes me think the DS may have added to the drama.

That’s a pretty big assumption. Isn’t it more likely that she’s simply defensive over her own daughter’s awful behaviour? It sounds like the DS was the only person in this situation to act with any shred of decency.

FishCanFly · 15/08/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RubbingHimSourly · 15/08/2019 12:01

Fucking hell Fish could you be anymore insulting if you tried? I hope to God you haven't dragged any kids into the world with those attitudes filtering down. Hmm

hellenbackagen · 15/08/2019 12:25

I think you're son sounds like a credit to you .

I'd be rewarding not punishing him.

Animal cruelty should not be tolerated and it's actually a question asked on police risk assessments. Her parents should be worried and tackling HER behaviour now .

Well done to your son .

Louloulovesyou · 15/08/2019 13:25

For anyone questioning whether fairs can still give out goldfish, our local fair was still giving them out last month. Shouldn't be allowed though.