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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is checking up on me?

155 replies

sallyhoop · 14/08/2019 13:54

I work in a solicitors in town as admin assistant.
I was at work this morning and I sent the guy I'm seeing a Snapchat saying roll on home time at my desk.
Then I went and did the post office run.
Got a text at lunchtime saying ..why aren't you at work like you said?
I said I am..
He said my friend has just seen you in town
I explained I nipped out to the post office
He is now ignoring me.
Aibu here or is this a bit OTT

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 14/08/2019 14:56

do not spend your life staying with someone who questions your every move PLEASE. Get this CLOWN to fuck OP. No explanations nothing.. end it. Flowers

HeyMonkey · 14/08/2019 14:56

Red flag.

Jayaywhynot · 14/08/2019 14:56

Ps been together 11 yrs now

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 14/08/2019 14:56

There is nothing wrong with you. Can’t say the same for him though.

You deserve better.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2019 14:57

Are you 'trackable'? I'm not real tech savvy, but I know that my iPhone is set so that my location isn't trackable. If you're 100% sure you're not electronically trackable then either he or a friend did see you or are watching you. Or he's put a GPS in your car. That last one is (hopefully) a long shot! At any rate, you need to change your settings if you are trackable.

Dump him. A bf of 3 months has no right to question your whereabouts, period. In fact, my husband of 30+ years has no right to question my whereabouts!

If he had said out of curiosity "Hey, XXX saw you in town, what were you doing?" it might be different. But he was very accusatory and demanding that you 'explain yourself'. That's a huge red flag!!

As the saying goes: When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

HoneyBeeHappy · 14/08/2019 14:59

One way to find out how he knows/whether he is checking up on you, ask him which friend saw you.

I had one of these. Unfortunately I was married to him. As time went on he became increasingly controlling of where I went and who I saw. Until one day I came home from meeting a friend and he asked me how x pub was and why I didn’t tell him I was there inferring that I was lying. He then went on to say that a friend had seen me there and texted him to tell him, right down to what I was wearing.

When I asked him which friend, he said that didn’t matter. So I replied with “so, someone who knows me well enough to know who I am and report back to you, but not well enough or with enough manners to come and say hello to me? I was there innocently after all.... He couldn’t answer me, and I later found out that he’d tracked me via my phone.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/08/2019 15:05

🚮

Flyingkites123 · 14/08/2019 15:05

If you stay with this guy, imagine what you'll be posting on here in a years time. Hopefully you'll have a lucky escape without too much of your time wasted.

alfagirl73 · 14/08/2019 15:09

Massive red flag! However he saw that you were in town (a friend saw you, he saw you, he's following you, he's tracking you on your phone... ) the fact is he's making it an issue and questioning your movements. I was in a relationship that started with this sort of thing... before I knew where I was, he was screaming abuse at me because I took a MINUTE longer at the supermarket than he thought I should've done... and all kinds of other "crimes"! Seriously - be very careful - this would make me VERY VERY wary!

MyFokMarelize · 14/08/2019 15:09

So maybe he thought it was weird me being out

Seriously - please explain to me/us what he's even doing thinking anything about you being in or out?

whattodowith · 14/08/2019 15:10

Wow, this is so creepy. Run for the hills OP, he sounds like a controlling stalker!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2019 15:11

Have a long hard think about why you wonder if you've done something wrong.

a) he's been setting you up to feel like you answer to him
b) you past relationships have been abusive
c) your family is abusive

Or a combination. Because I'd have laughed in a BF's face if they'd said that. And dumped them. Except in the worst relationships I've had. But you're wondering about yourself.

MrsExpo · 14/08/2019 15:12

Than goodness he's not talking to you OP ... It will make dumping him all that much easier.

TheCatThatDanced · 14/08/2019 15:22

You can dump his arse for that. Not had that exactly but I had a charming SO (now an ex-SO) who used to ring me on my mobile at e.g. midnight after I'd been on a night out with friends to check I'd 'got home safely' - load of lies it was checking up on me! He was also jealous and controlling. They don't change, they get worse, jealous types. Run - that way.

TheCatThatDanced · 14/08/2019 15:22

Oh and after my experience I put phone on airplane mode or switched off - would leave on before...

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/08/2019 15:27

Run run run run run!

His behavior is crazy but the fact that he already has you doubting yourself is a big enough reason to run.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 14/08/2019 15:28

Dump him immediately. Seriously, this is the beginning of a whole world of shit if you stay with him.

northernsquirrel · 14/08/2019 15:32

This is controlling behaviour...it will only get worse!

ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2019 15:33

How about sending him this: Hi [name]. I've been thinking about the fact that you got your undies in a bundle because your (imaginary) friend saw me in town. If you want to have a happy relationship in future, you need to lose the idea that the person you are dating is obliged to account for their movements. Learn to be less controlling.
Oh, and you're dumped, so don't contact me again.

Nothingcomesforfree · 14/08/2019 15:34

It’s still only the afternoon! Why on earth do you think he’s ignoring you? Surely you are both getting on with work ( clearly the Op not so much if she’s on MN).

It could have just been a jokiest “my mate has seen you out and about” like people do when they see someone they know.

If he’s still “ ignoring” you after work then fair enough but I think you are being clingy and odd at the oment..

TheInebriati · 14/08/2019 15:34

sallyhoop
Check your phone for spyware and turn the location off.

Mammatino · 14/08/2019 15:37

This story never ever ends well.

Motoko · 14/08/2019 15:39

Chickychoccyegg - its also not fair to op for lots of people to be over dramatic, he asked a question, she answered, thats about it really, maybe he is contolling and weird i dont know, but theres not much in her op to suggest he is.

Got a text at lunchtime saying ..why aren't you at work like you said?

You are the only person who thinks this is innocent. He's not just wondering why she was in town, it's in the nuance of how he asked her. He's accusing her of not being where she said she was. If it was innocent, he'd have said "Oh, x saw you in town earlier." No questioning, no accusing her of lying, just a simple statement.

I read OP's posts to my DH, and before I'd even finished, he was saying "Oh dear, that's not good, she should leave him." Even he could see this was wrong, and the only experience of abuse he's had, is me telling him about my experiences.

This is how abuse usually starts, little things that could be explained away, and that other people who haven't experienced abuse, won't recognise for what it is.

Travis1 · 14/08/2019 15:43

Run far and run fast! Red flags waving proudly here

userxx · 14/08/2019 15:44

This is how it starts................ run run run.

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