To just want a bit of bloody privacy?

[1wokeuplikethis]

I am a stay at home mum to young kids. My days are peppered with requests, demands, near-misses, relentless questions, and should I have the audacity to leave a room in order to wee/put washing away/make a brew I am almost immediately summoned...for example I am frantically wiping on the toilet to the chorus of “muuuuummmy!” “Mummmyyyyy!!!!” “Where are YOOOUUU??” Or worse than that, a sudden scream or shout or cry because someone has got their finger stuck in something, or fallen off something, or an advert has interrupted their viewing pleasure or they just have to know what orange and blue and white make. I spend my day in a moderate to severe state of stress about what is going to happen next.

Anyway. In our house we have a small bedroom, small landing and a tight bathroom. When it comes to getting ready, I allow my husband his space upstairs to get himself ready while I stay downstairs. HOWEVER WHEN IT IS MY TURN TO GET READY, BRUSH MY TEETH, HAVE A PEACEFUL SHIT BECAUSE ANOTHER RESPONSIBLE ADULT IS IN THE VICINITY AND IS NOT MID-PUSH, I am constantly interrupted by him, the grown up. I am in the bathroom and he comes in, bashing me with the door, I’m trying to do my hair and he comes in to brush his teeth (which he forgot to do in the blissful uninterrupted 20 minutes of him-time which I can only presume he spent twiddling his knob or having the leisureliest of shits instead of brushing his teeth), I am trying to see how something looks in the mirror and he stands behind me waiting to squeeze past, trying things on with a silent audience standing awkwardly over your shoulder is most infuriating. I am putting my earrings in and he is shuffling behind me to get his bastarding socks. I am on the toilet with the door shut and he comes in to ask where something is ad nauseam.

Is it terribly unreasonable of me to expect a bit of bloody privacy and SPACE from the other adult in the house who is at no risk of twatting himself off the sofa while I dash upstairs, or putting his face in the grumpy cats belly while I am hanging the washing out or wanting me to witness him counting glacially slowly from one to one hundred?

I have taken to loudly shouting HIYA when he appears initially, and then as I hear him coming up the stairs to stand directly where I am standing I commentate “OH HERE HE IS AGAIN, IM STANDING RIGHT HERE IF YOU WANT TO SHUFFLE PAST ME OR BLOCK THE MIRROR?” And every single time his reaction is a sorry not sorry what’s the big deal face.

So, do I just accept this is my life- to have zero privacy at any time or during any bodily function (he has come in to talk to me mid tampon change for the love of god) or should I just twat him with the door now as a last resort when I hear him coming? Hide and shout boo to frighten him? Actually hide in a cupboard and see how long it takes for him to decide he wants to sit in that cupboard at exactly the same time?

Right I’m back. I was sleeping. My husband asked me to move my elbow out of his back and I pretended I couldn’t hear him so that was satisfying.

Anyway. We don’t have a lock because I don’t know. The door is really stiff so if it’s shut a child can’t open it anyway, but I will suggest the lock. I have to suggest it because I am not allowed to do any DIY. My husband is the handyman. He is good at it (he built the tiny bathroom and put the door where it bangs you on the elbow while you’re brushing your teeth and someone wants to ambush you). I, on the other hand am a bit rubbish - I used screws to hang up photo frames instead of nails and made a huge mess of the wall so that when I put the nails in the photos where in a jumbled up mess in order to cover the gaping holes left by the screws. So maybe he is controlling on that, but with good reason.

He does his fair share around the house, he isn’t a lazy man child who can’t wipe his own arse. But I think he likes me watching him wipe his arse. I come upstairs and the bathroom door is wide open, window shut tight, the aromas are strong. In which case I angrily and noisily march in, open the window and slam the door shut while he looks on in bewilderment from his shitting throne. He sometimes tells the kids to stop bothering me. And sometimes I say “I’m going upstairs to drink this cup of tea” so he knows I want space (he may still come and bother me. The littlest comes up for a wee and still needs help so while he is doing his wee my husband stands in the bedroom doorway just looking at me on the bed trying to be invisible). Really.

We only have one toilet as the downstairs one broke a while ago and we are saving up to fix it.

I like he idea of a man gate but fear the children may unwittingly get blown to fuck on it and he would never let that go.

So, I will suggest the bolt. He will say no. I will stop communicating with him when I’m on the bog AND shut the door when I’m doing my stuff and if he barges in I will go full throttle and DEMAND A BASTARDING LOCK.

I can’t be bothered trailing around behind him to make a point, I haven’t got time for that shit.

Often the bathroom window stays open and our retired neighbours spend 97% of their day in the back garden. I am mid shit when littlest starts calling for me, and I can’t shout IM DOING A POOOOO!!! as i would never be able to look them in the eye again. Also they don’t have kids so can’t relate. Unless he’s a poo-barger-inner too but funnily enough that’s not a conversation i wish to get into.

The YABUers are probably all clicking on that button mid peaceful shit while their darling children vacuum downstairs while preparing their own nutritious lunch and googling what pink and blue and orange make instead of asking smug shitter mummy.

OP: this was me.
Eventually, I decided his redeeming features did not outweigh the infuriating ones, and left, nearly 3 years ago.

My exH called me yesterday as I was trying to drive home (whilst actually vomiting with a bug - which I explained to him) to ask 'what to change a password to'.

Sometimes, a lock and even bloody moving country is not enough.

Exactly the same in this house.

Why should she have to buy a bolt and lock the door?. She doesn't go interrupting her husband. I don't believe all men have these bloody annoying self centred traits. We have just married idiots.

If you did get a lock the fucking knocking and rattling of the door, while the moron tries to get in, would drive you insane.....

quite simply - i have not response other than reading this has brightened my day

I love the way you've written this. You should be a writer

Sometimes DP appears and I sneak away for a break as I know the kids are supervised.. then DP decides to follow me and see what I'm up to/spend time with me.. which means the kids then follow him.
He is generally good at letting me have soace though. This summer holiday has been hard for being constantly followed and talked at by kids.

Buy a bolt. Tell him, "either you put this on the door or I will."

He will say "oh we don't need it/what's the problem?/fine then I won't bother you, you only had to SAY!/yeah I'll get round to it" etc.

Leave bolt in bathroom, unattached. Leave a screwdriver next to it.

Wait until next time he comes into the bathroom when you're there. Then, without saying anything, start attaching the bolt the frame yourself. If he objects, hand it over, say "fine you do it, and I will stand here and watch you and ask you inane questions the entire time."

Buy a small bolt. Fix it to the door, out of small children’s reach if that’s an issue. If the door is wooden you don’t need anything other than a screwdriver. Google it if you’re unsure. If you’re “not allowed” to do that you have a different problem.
I’ve got IBS, my shits are neither smug nor peaceful. I’m just confused at why you wouldn’t opt for the simple, easy, quick solution.

We have a twist lock, on the outside it has an indent you can put a knife or something in and twist so nobody child will be lost :) could you get something like that? ((Bet he'd unlock it from outside anyway!!)

It's not about the lock, though...

You are right of course StripeyChina. It's about boundaries, and the lack of them. It helps in our house that my husband and I are ridiculously private about toilet stuff. You would think neither of us have pooped in over 20 years.

Agree if you get a lock, he'll just switch to shouting through the door. But at least he'll be on the other side of it.

My quiet time is cooking and it is truly amazing how everybody else in the house suddenly HAS to be standing in the exact same corner of the kitchen I need to be standing in while I'm doing it. Constant "can I just squeeze past to this drawer"/"where's my..."/"MUUMMMYYYYY"/"oooh that reminds me, can I talk to you about -" NO. GO AWAY.

I’d be telling him that he’s putting the bolt on the bathroom door or I’m getting one fitted across my bits.

My quiet time is cooking and it is truly amazing how everybody else in the house suddenly HAS to be standing in the exact same corner of the kitchen I need to be standing in while I'm doing it.

This happens in my house too. My husband likes to try and clean the kitchen the moment I start cooking in it. I just walk away and sit down until he fucks off again.

Personally I would try the cupboard hiding trick. If he doesn’t find you, you know you’ve found ‘your’ place 😄

OP you are v funny. I can totally relate to this. If you need help putting a bolt on the door I will come round and do it. Alternatively I have a good shovel and will help you hide his body.

Assuming the door opens inwards you don't need a bolt, just a door wedge. Just hide it somewhere in the bathroom where you're not there (or keep it on you) and it should stop anyone opening the door when you're in there.

I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to laugh at your post, OP. But it did make me giggle in total sympathy. I realise I'm morphing into Fleabag's sister Claire. I'm just in constant, hard-bitten, purse-lipped, 'what the fuck is it NOW?' mode with DH. He's booked annual leave for 3 weeks to 'potter about' at home get in the way of everything without rising from his sofa throne which doubles as the Starship Enterprise's control room. I fucking hate Star Trek . We're two days in. I am NOT coping. Not at all. I've got an internal track of me losing my shit on a loop. I've got shit on the shit I am losing. I've mastered the art of silently losing my shit.

On top of this, the kids' friends (actually, their parents) seem to think I've opened up some local rec centre. That's a WHOLE other thread.

It is dead easy to fit a bolt. Google/you tube it.

Then use it.

Get a hook and eye bolt put high on the bathroom door (you can open in an emergency from the outside if you use a slim book/card through the gap)

Best idea on this thread so far - apart from the man gate obviously.

I will give the YABUers the benefit of the doubt and assume they are saying YABU for not having a lock.

They're called "cabin hooks" BTW.

dollydaydream114 .... I don't have kids but a lot of my friends with young kids don't have locks on the bathroom door because small children are apparently really good at locking themselves in and either refusing, or being unable, to let themselves out.

And none of them thought to put a bolt at the very top that the kids can't reach?

We had a lock that could be opened with a coin or screwdriver from outside

OP my bathroom window is always open. My neighbours have heard me shout "mummy is doing a poo" on more than one occasion. And on one memorable day "mummy is constipated and has been trying to do this poo all day!" They all had kids, I am sure they understand.

The YABUers are probably all clicking on that button mid peaceful shit

Hardly, just amazed that you don't solve this simple problem by putting a simple lock on the door.

Who cares if you're 'not allowed' to?

Does this solve your husband's boundary issues? Well, yes, actually, it does. Very effectively.