To just want a bit of bloody privacy?

[1wokeuplikethis]

I am a stay at home mum to young kids. My days are peppered with requests, demands, near-misses, relentless questions, and should I have the audacity to leave a room in order to wee/put washing away/make a brew I am almost immediately summoned...for example I am frantically wiping on the toilet to the chorus of “muuuuummmy!” “Mummmyyyyy!!!!” “Where are YOOOUUU??” Or worse than that, a sudden scream or shout or cry because someone has got their finger stuck in something, or fallen off something, or an advert has interrupted their viewing pleasure or they just have to know what orange and blue and white make. I spend my day in a moderate to severe state of stress about what is going to happen next.

Anyway. In our house we have a small bedroom, small landing and a tight bathroom. When it comes to getting ready, I allow my husband his space upstairs to get himself ready while I stay downstairs. HOWEVER WHEN IT IS MY TURN TO GET READY, BRUSH MY TEETH, HAVE A PEACEFUL SHIT BECAUSE ANOTHER RESPONSIBLE ADULT IS IN THE VICINITY AND IS NOT MID-PUSH, I am constantly interrupted by him, the grown up. I am in the bathroom and he comes in, bashing me with the door, I’m trying to do my hair and he comes in to brush his teeth (which he forgot to do in the blissful uninterrupted 20 minutes of him-time which I can only presume he spent twiddling his knob or having the leisureliest of shits instead of brushing his teeth), I am trying to see how something looks in the mirror and he stands behind me waiting to squeeze past, trying things on with a silent audience standing awkwardly over your shoulder is most infuriating. I am putting my earrings in and he is shuffling behind me to get his bastarding socks. I am on the toilet with the door shut and he comes in to ask where something is ad nauseam.

Is it terribly unreasonable of me to expect a bit of bloody privacy and SPACE from the other adult in the house who is at no risk of twatting himself off the sofa while I dash upstairs, or putting his face in the grumpy cats belly while I am hanging the washing out or wanting me to witness him counting glacially slowly from one to one hundred?

I have taken to loudly shouting HIYA when he appears initially, and then as I hear him coming up the stairs to stand directly where I am standing I commentate “OH HERE HE IS AGAIN, IM STANDING RIGHT HERE IF YOU WANT TO SHUFFLE PAST ME OR BLOCK THE MIRROR?” And every single time his reaction is a sorry not sorry what’s the big deal face.

So, do I just accept this is my life- to have zero privacy at any time or during any bodily function (he has come in to talk to me mid tampon change for the love of god) or should I just twat him with the door now as a last resort when I hear him coming? Hide and shout boo to frighten him? Actually hide in a cupboard and see how long it takes for him to decide he wants to sit in that cupboard at exactly the same time?

My dh does this every single time. I let him get ready in peace while I’m downstairs getting all 3 dc done. I go upstairs and you can guarantee the second I shut the door, at least one of the dc is banging on it. Usually something non-urgent that can most definitely wait the 5 mins it takes me to shit, shower and brush! It’s always me they want as well. Ffs they have another parent! He’s usually sitting on the sofa fucking around on his phone.

What colour does orange and blue and white make?

Dirty brown

And chickenyhead - your every word tugged at my very heart.

So rather than making silly exclamations when he appears, why don't you just explain your frustrations. You know, talk to him about it properly?

@1wokeuplikethis

Nothing very useful to add but I wanted to say how funny and well written your OP was.

Maybe you could bring out a book of similar pieces called something like, "Why Mummy was Wielding a Blunt Instrument Last Night and Daddy's Gone on a Loooong Holiday and Mummy wants a New Patio".

With the royalties you could buy a lovely, lockable, luxurious lavatory (in the old fashioned sense of bathroom; I couldn't resist the alliteration. Sorry) and a bathroom-time nanny to occupy the DCs.

I do empathise though.
On the rare occasions I negotiated with my ex my having a solitary lie-in, he'd decide when it was over (about 9:15am) and barge in bellowing, "What ho!". Gah!

As others have observed, once you are a mother, some husbands seem to think you are also theirs! They defer to you in all things domestic (for which read rescind all responsibility as this is your area)

Luckily my dh didnt act like this but the children totally did so I developed Very Clear Instructions. When I needed some me time in the loo, I announced in a loud voice “ RIGHT! I am GOING TO THE LOO! For the next 10 MINUTES I will not be available. So if you accidentally chop your finger off or get your head stuck in the sofa YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT!!” Firm boundaries OP, firm boudaries.

As for the dh, i would be tempted to send him a link to this thread. Perhaps he will understand the utter anguish of never being alone for a second.

We have 3 toilets in the house, only dp me and 4 year old. We still have this problem. Everyone is downstairs relaxing and so I'll go upstairs to use the loo and 2 secs later dp will come up the stairs and ask stuff through the door when he was practically asleep downstairs or dc will come up and ask to come in

I think some people have no spatial awareness. My fella doesn't space invade, but I went on holiday recently with a friend to a one bedroom apartment, and she was constantly behind me/next to me/reaching past me/plugging stuff in by my feet. In the end I had to say "is there any bloody corner of this apartment you don't want to be in for the next 5 minutes, and I'll get ready in it!" She got it then.

But yeah, get a lock.

Just lock the door and ignore him.

For me it was my now 13 year old DS who used to constantly interrupt me while I was in the shower. He would come talking and I would have to turn the shower off and open the doors and it would be something innane

I tried to make it a rule that I was NOT to be interrupted unless the house was on fire but he would forget everytime, so when I saw his face appear I thought it was something serious. I resorted to "is the house on fire ? no then go away" In the end I would just ignore altogether

I think he finally got it about 11 years old

I apologise to any future partner...he is so going to be like you DH

I'm also a SAHM to a baby and a toddler and I just make sure I get space by being a 'bitch' basically... if I didnt I'd be an absolute mess and a shit mother... so it's for the best.
If I'm in the bathroom and my husband is with the kids I lock the door and I do not respond to anyone or anything until im finished. I dont answer my name, I dont respond to knocking. The end.
After a while of doing that people get the idea and they stop trying.
Our bolt for the bathroom is very high up the door so only an adult would be able to reach it.
Weve also got a high bolt for our bedroom door and sometimes if my husbands off work I say im going for a cup of tea and to read my book. I go up there, lock the door and put my ear plugs in or my headphones on... thenjust have an hour to myself. No one bothers me because they know I cant hear them and I wont let them in...
My husband gets plenty of time to himself why should t I carve out that time for myself? You do have to be forceful and protect what keeps you sane when you are a SAHM I reckon.

Lock the bathroom door.

I would absolutely have lost my shit at this a long time ago. My dh not only respects my privacy in the bathroom, he guards it and prevents dd from barging in 10 times when I'm on the toilet for a couple of minutes or in the bath/shower. He will tell her to leave me be and whatever she wants can either wait or he will deal with.

Just because you are a mother/wife does not mean that you no longer deserve privacy.

woodhill there's a lock on there, the door is always left open though, so if the door is closed you know someone is in there. I went crazy at him and he hasn't done it since

Ask him to come up and help you get ready. Ask him to pass you some loo roll, while you're on the loo, turn the tap on when you clean your teeth, pass the hairbrush, etc etc. He'll either get wise to this and avoid you, or will ask wtf, in which case you can explain that as he has once again followed you into the 'getting ready' zone, he may as well be useful.

Your husband is a passive aggressive regressed child.

I wish I could hit the YANBU button enough to cancel the 4% of dissenters.

Sorry OP - I get full on victim-blamey when I read threads like this.

Cop on to yourself.

Put a lock on the door, and a stop to this.

Stop being so pathetic passive...?!

Are there other ways in which this man makes it clear that you exist for his benefit, OP? Does he do anything like his share of domestic work (as he clearly isn't doing his share of childcare)? Does he treat sex like something you are supposed to perform for his benefit?

I appreciate that a man can be simply oblivious to the fact that he is getting under his partner's feet, but you have told him repeatedly to stop doing this and he is taking no notice, because what you want is not important to him.

Tell him you are fitting a lock on the bedroom door because you are sick and tired of not being able to get ready in peace because of him.
You need to be blunt.
Lock the bathroom door.
If he knocks on it ignore him.
If he keeps knocking shout ‘what do you want?’ Loudly.
Make it known he is being unreasonable.
Don’t beat about the bush, be precise.
I’m going to get ready now, don’t disturb me.

YANBU! It drives me crazy too. My OH gets ready while I give the kids breakfast downstairs, then when it's my turn to get ready they all bloody follow me up there, so there are often 3 people cleaning their teeth while I'm in the shower or shouting to ask where so and so's trousers are while I'm on the loo. My youngest follows me everywhere anyway, so it's seldom possible to go for a wee without him playing with the loo roll or trying to climb in the bath with his clothes on etc.

i meant to hit yanbu but inadvertently became one of the yabu

I was ready to say welcome to parenthood but it seems like your husband has reversed into an annoying child. Tell him what he's doing and what you need and if he doesn't comply, kill him.

Several things you could do whilst having fun.

1. Scream. Loudly. As soon as they walk in.

Maybe get an air horn? Train them like Pavlovs dogs.

1. Do it back to him/then. Follow them around. All the time.
2. Talk at them. Don’t stop. Ask questions, don’t wait for the answers.

I feel your pain, OP. My DC are long since grown up and left home, but DH seems to be worried I will no longer feel useful and has taken their place...

I think the one thing that really grinds my gears is when I want to have a lie in. I get asked, "What time shall I call you then?"

I. DON'T. KNOW. How am I supposed to know what time I'm going to wake up? The whole point of the exercise is to not have to get up!

Last time he went and hoovered the spare room (cleaning up after one of his hobbies). It's right next door to our bedroom. When I tackled him about it I got pouty face and, "I thought I was helping..."

...sorry, got a bit ranty there.