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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think grown adults don’t need to be in touch with each other multiple times during the day?

262 replies

PuzzledObserver · 13/08/2019 21:28

It seems to be fairly common on MN for people to be texting or calling their DP multiple times in the course of a day.

Early stages of a relationship and you’re in lurve..... I get it.

You’re doing something out of your normal routine and want to let DP know, or you’re going to the shops and text to ask if they need anything, fair enough.

DC had an accident or your workplace is on fire, absolutely.

But on a bog standard ordinary day when you’re both doing whatever you normally do and you’re both going to be home around the time you usually are..... why would you?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 14/08/2019 07:49

It's a wonder some people get any work done with all this messaging all day.

I’d say the same about people who appear to be on Mumsnet every day!

Nixee2231 · 14/08/2019 07:50

DH and I have been together 10 years and we are in our mid 30s. We message each morning then he calls me during his lunch or when he leaves his work, sometimes both. If one of us is away on a trip we message or call multiple times a day. When I wake up to his message it always makes me smile and feel ready to face the day, even if it's a short one. Maybe it will change when we are older, but I hope it never does!

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 14/08/2019 07:51

Depends on your relationship. DH and I have been married for years and we still watsapp quite a bit throughout the day. We miss each other and like to let each other know what the other is doing. Obviously if it isn't possible to message then we won't, but it usually is at some point. It isn't harming anyone and we're both happy this way.

Different strokes for different folks.

TapasForTwo · 14/08/2019 07:58

I would find that level of clinginess irritating TBH. I hate being interrupted when I am busy.
Married 38 years BTW.

WalkofShame · 14/08/2019 08:03

Finding the assumptions / judgements of some posters here amusing and a little sad.

There seems to be a desire to feel superior to people who phone / message a lot, I wonder why that is?

No realisation that everyone and every job is different, sad really.

tigger1001 · 14/08/2019 08:06

It's become such a problem in our workplace that management enforced a mobile phone ban. Must be switched off during working hours.

There were plenty times where people were asking work related questions and were being told wait a minute until I've text my partner/child/friend. It was affecting work.

ALittleBitAlexis · 14/08/2019 08:07

As long as both parties are happy with it, level of contact says nothing about the state of a relationship. It's entirely down to personal preference.

HulksPurplePanties · 14/08/2019 08:29

Surely it's different strokes for different folks?

I generally check in with DH once or twice a day to see how the DC's are doing and if I need to pick anything up from the shop on the way home. I might call if there is an issue. I let him know if I'm heading into the area of my work where mobile phones aren't allowed and I let him know when I'm out of it in case he needs to reach me.

Occasionally, if work is quite slow, we may send each other news articles or something of interest that we've read, but this is dependent on my work load.

Obviously I don't message him during meetings or very often if I'm busy.

I'm not sure how this affects, or is of interest, to anyone but us and is in anyway a comment on the strength of our marriage?

For what it's worth I have no idea how often my colleagues text or call their spouses. With the exception of my manager at the moment because his wife is due with their first born any minute and he's nervous as fuck and likes to ask me questions about the late stages of pregnancy. Grin

cricketmum84 · 14/08/2019 08:31

I like speaking to my husband during the day. We will email each other a couple o times and maybe text at lunch.

We love each other and are interested in how each other's days are going.

Original poster
PuzzledObserver · 14/08/2019 08:55

Well now, I find it interesting that some posters have assumed I am irritated or disapproving of people who message a lot. I never said that, I said I didn’t understand it. And some of the replies have given some really clear reasons why this is a thing (e.g. people working shifts/leaving at different times), so thank you for that.

That said - my boss has a tendency to be reading messages on his phone while he’s talking to you/in meetings and it really winds me up. He’s there, but he’s not there, iykwim. No idea who he’s messaging, in fact he’s probably reading work emails not texting his wife, but to the person he’s with, it feels like being ignored.

Overall, though, the replies I like best are the ones that say different things suit different people. There are threads on MN which say my DP texts me every 5 minutes and gets upset if I don’t answer straight away and it’s driving me up the wall, and others which say I texted DP an hour ago and he hasn’t replied, I’m panicking something dreadful has happened.

As for being curious about how other people’s relationships work.... well, I’m curious about loads of things, actually. Especially people. Sorry, but there it is.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 14/08/2019 09:12

On work days I text on my way to work(I walk there), I get a morning break and then 45 min lunch. I text on my way back home. Outside those times my phone is away. Sometimes he replies sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I don't text because I worked through my break and at lunchtime I find a text from him asking if I'm ok . No issues if I don't reply. Or if he doesn't.

When I'm at home I text randomly throughout the day from "we need more bread" to "the fucking cat puked everywhere 🤬🤬". I'm grownup enough to know he's working and he might not reply straight away or at all.

I don't get the "I hate being interrupted " comments. My phone has been on silent for the past 7 years(maybe 10 times I've took it off) . I see the texts (well whatsapp really) when I see them and I reply when I can/want.

It doesn't make our relationship better,it doesn't make it worse (or needy or co dependent) either. It's just how it is and what works for us and we both enjoy it.

whitebowls · 14/08/2019 09:13

Had a friend who was in constant touch with her DH all the time when she was out with me. Texts, phone calls saying 'I miss you' 'love you'. Even when they'd only been apart a few minutes.
Totally infuriating as we couldn't have a continuous conversation as she was in contact with him.
And we certainly couldn't be out longer than a couple of hours.
I found it totally pathetic, rude and controlling.

TapasForTwo · 14/08/2019 09:49

"There seems to be a desire to feel superior to people who phone / message a lot, I wonder why that is?"

I don't feel superior. I just don't feel the need. But I only work part time and OH works from home so we see each other a lot anyway.

Unfortunately it does impact work when people spend a lot of time on their phones when they should be working. One girl I worked with got sacked because she spent too much time on her phone talking to her other half instead of doing her work.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/08/2019 10:24

My "friend" (and I use the term loosely as she annoys the hell out of me) is like this with her DP.

She is always texting him when I am with her and updating me on what he's having for dinner, where he's going, what he's doing.

I recently endured a very long car journey with her like this.

I DON'T CARE. AND WHY DO YOU???

whattodowith · 14/08/2019 11:12

I’m not really sure why this bothers you so much.

When I’m at work DH and I barely text each other at all but I have been on mat leave for the past year and it’s been pretty lonely at times. I’ve text him more over the past year than I think I have throughout our whole relationship!

FilthyforFirth · 14/08/2019 11:16

Because I like my husband and enjoy talking to him. Bit surprised this is considered weird to be honest. We text and email throughout the day as we enjoy talking to each other. Sort of why we got married.. Hmm

Yeahnahmum · 14/08/2019 11:18

Why would i?? Because it is fun!!
We text every day mo-fri. Several times a day. Funny or random things or photos of DC. Or if i am having a great day. Or a shit day. Or if he wants to say something about his work /colleagues.

We have been together for 5years. We always talk. Will never stop either. I love talking to himBlush

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 11:20

Bigger question is why on Earth does it bother you enough to make a thread about how other couples communicate with eachother? Odd think to be annoyed by

coffeeandgin26 · 14/08/2019 11:46

Why does it bother you? I've been with my partner 16 years and he phoned me for a couple of mins on his breaks (two a day) just to say hello and ask how my day has been so far. He knows that I work at home so have very little adult interaction sometimes and it's nice to break the day up.

thebogwitchisback · 14/08/2019 12:13

In response to the texting at work thing, I work for myself so I text when I can and it's the same for my husband. He texts when he can and I respond when I can.
We were long distance for 3 years so texting and calling were the only way to communicate and we had to learn to conduct a relationship that way.

The habit simply continued and we text when we aren't together, never run out of things to say. We don't have a weak relationship as some other poster implied, in fact we're stronger for it and communicate well.

Batqueen · 14/08/2019 12:37

My dp and I message several times a day with random thoughts, diary checking, cat updates etc but if one of us is busy and stops responding it’s no big deal. Likewise if we are out doing something fun with friends and don’t hear then generally that’s a good sign but will probably message the other on the way home.

I have a friend who has to speak to her dh every day so when with us for a weekend would leave her group of friends where she was having fun so she could speak to him before he went to bed and I found that hard to understand. Surely your partner doesn’t want you to stop having fun just so you can speak to them for 5 minutes when they see you all the time?

Sparklingbrook · 14/08/2019 13:44

@ShirleyPhallus

That would be a very unproductive workplace if an employer allowed Mumsnetting all day.

whothedaddy · 14/08/2019 13:48

There are a few people in my office constantly calling or texting partners. GET ON WITH YOUR JOB!

TheDarkPassenger · 14/08/2019 13:50

We’ve been together 6 years and we text because we’re friends and I like his banter. What’s your issue? It’s not like I’m texting your boyfriend

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 14/08/2019 13:54

He texts me on his morning break as I'm just walking into work just as Is if I got in ok then we say have a nice day see you later. Sometimes tell each other we love one another but then that's it if one of the kids is looking for us plans change etch.