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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think grown adults don’t need to be in touch with each other multiple times during the day?

262 replies

PuzzledObserver · 13/08/2019 21:28

It seems to be fairly common on MN for people to be texting or calling their DP multiple times in the course of a day.

Early stages of a relationship and you’re in lurve..... I get it.

You’re doing something out of your normal routine and want to let DP know, or you’re going to the shops and text to ask if they need anything, fair enough.

DC had an accident or your workplace is on fire, absolutely.

But on a bog standard ordinary day when you’re both doing whatever you normally do and you’re both going to be home around the time you usually are..... why would you?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 13/08/2019 23:55

I agree op

30to50FeralHogs · 13/08/2019 23:57

Two questions. What did all these people do before mobile phones and e-mail?

Well I guess nothing. But then we couldn’t come on MN, use google, email for work stuff etc. so what does that have to do with anything? Everyone has a phone in their pocket all day, half of them have it in their hand for much of the day.

What jobs do they all do that they are able to constantly text/e-mail back and forth with their DPs?

Firstly it’s not constant but it is regular. A text takes seconds to send, if you literally never get 30 seconds to yourself throughout your working day I feel bad for you!

My DP is a director and has meetings all day sometimes. There are obviously breaks in between, time to make coffee or pop to the loo, lunchtime, waiting around for people to arrive, taking a break from working on the computer. He makes his own schedule, finishes when he likes, works from home if he wants to, is out of the office a lot so nobody knows where he’s supposed to be at any time, so his days are very flexible . But he works smart not hard Grin. He will admit that seeing a text ping up from me while someone is waffling on in a pointless meeting makes his day!

I’m self employed, set my own hours and can do what the fuck I like all day. So spending 30 seconds sending a text I’m between working on projects, putting a wash on, having a cuppa, sending an email etc is a drop in the ocean of my skiving.

cheeseislife8 · 13/08/2019 23:58

If something funny happens or I find something out that I want to tell DH, I make a mental note. Then I tell him when I next see him.

I always forget if I do this, so I tend to send a message when I think of it so I don't forget.

We don't message excessively though, as we both have jobs where focus is important and having your phone out is impractical, and if I'm spending time with friends or family I think it's rude to be texting.

If he's seen something he thinks I'll like or vice versa then I think that's nice. It makes me happy when he sends me a pic of the dog doing something daft or a funny thing that's happened. Each to their own!

PickAChew · 13/08/2019 23:59

Some people actually like each other.

DH and I are unsentimental types. Some days we just don't communicate. Other days we exchange thoughts on stuff al day.

Today was the former until I got home from a walk with the boys, had lunch, then threw open the patio doors because it was getting warm in the dining room and found I didn't need to unlock them - and I'd not opened them since Saturday and he'd used them since.

PickAChew · 14/08/2019 00:02

As for texting (or emailing) during work hours: I text (or email)...

DH reads and replies, if necessary, if and when is convenient.

All good,

FeeFee832 · 14/08/2019 00:06

Married for 5 years and me and DH text throughout the day 😃. He calls me at lunch too and we have a quick chat.

OccidentalPurist · 14/08/2019 00:07

I should add though that although DH and I are regularly in contact during a working day, he runs his own business and I'm a SAHM now.

I worked for two decades in an office environment and we were rarely in contact then as it would have been unprofessional, so I agree with posters who find colleagues who do this quite annoying!!

nokidshere · 14/08/2019 00:10

I have no idea how many of my friends talk to their husbands/partners/sons/daughters/mums/dads every day, or how many times and, frankly, I don't care.

We have been together 37yrs and married for 33. We had phones back then believe it or not Grin if we wanted to communicate during the day we could. Maybe not on the level we can now but it wasn't difficult. Some days now we text lots, sometimes not at all but communication is important whatever stage of a relationship you are in.

There's a joy to be had in frivolity that lots of people seem to forget. He will sometimes text me a funny thing, or a bit of "secret" gossip from work or he will want to know if I've heard from the boys, is the match still on or some trivial item. We don't need to communicate throughout the day we choose to. Neither of us needs to reply if we are busy, neither of us take umbrage at being ignored.

Do what makes you happy. You don't really need to understand other peoples relationships unless it directly affects your own. If you are happy having no communication until you see each other face to face then carry on doing that. If you aren't, then change it.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/08/2019 00:19

Whichever of us is at home with our child often sends pictures of him to the other. We like it. The one at work often isn’t able to reply due to being busy. I have no idea how much other people are in touch with their family members, it’s a weird thing to keep tabs on

Skittlesandbeer · 14/08/2019 00:32

I think it’s partly cultural. Half my family/friends live in Italy. Eek gads, they text each other what seems like 100’s of times a day. Over something and nothing. They seem to subconsciously split up their communications in order to generate MORE texts, as if it will make the recipient feel more special? Eg ‘can you pls pick up milk?’ ‘and bread?’ ‘and cake?’.

I would normally give/receive 2-3 texts a day with my partner, and maybe the same with 2 of my friends (not always the same people).

I really notice the increased text traffic in Italy, and it is annoying! They really notice if you don’t answer immediately too, and only use services where you can see if the person has received it. I get in trouble for changing my settings to not show it! I feel as though whoever you are face to face with should warrant some priority over a constantly-pinging phone. I’m in the minority, obviously!

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/08/2019 00:47

No, you aren’t in the minority.

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/08/2019 00:55

What jobs do they all do that they are able to constantly text/e-mail back and forth with their DPs?

Firstly it’s not constant but it is regular. A text takes seconds to send, if you literally never get 30 seconds to yourself throughout your working day I feel bad for you!

I get it takes only seconds to send a text but there are people on this thread saying they text back and forth all day. I just don’t see how you can be doing that and doing your job at the same time.

Don’t feel bad for me. I’m retired so free as a bird to do what I want all day, every day. It’s lovely. 😄

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/08/2019 01:03

In some workplaces people are trusted and have the autonomy to manage their time and don’t have managers who monitor their every movement. Maybe they don’t have enough work to do, maybe they’re taking the piss, or maybe they are very efficient and just work it in alongside whatever else they are doing. It’s obviously not going to be people who are nursing or operating forklifts for hours or on a shop floor or other jobs where using your phone isn’t safe or public-facing. I can use my phone at any time that I’m not in a meeting, though often I don’t respond until I need the loo or to get a cup of tea. But there are people on here who have really weird ideas about workplaces (I remember a long running thread about whether headphones are acceptable in the office. Obviously it varies by company/job/industry, but some people could not accept that it wasn’t unprofessional in all circumstances)

disneydatknee · 14/08/2019 01:23

For me personally? I don't feel the need to message and call through out the day. We live together so we can catch up at home. Same if he's away for a weekend or an evening, I don't see the need to be pestering. But I know plenty of people who text their partners all day long and phone them on their lunch break, then come home at night and have fuck all to talk about. But that works for them. I think if they are both on the same page then fine.

greenskate · 14/08/2019 01:27

I very rarely talk to DH on the phone - it would have to be something quite urgent or too difficult to explain by text. Neither of us are keen on using phones so it suits both of us (I've never suffered the anxiety of worrying "Why hasn't he phoned me?" even in the early days of dating). We text about once every other day - about half of that is practical stuff and web links, and half of it is more frivolous stuff, but it's usually a brief single comment and reply rather than an entire conversation. DH and I are both senior enough at work that we aren't monitored with our phone use, but the work needs enough focus that constant texting would be distracting for us both.

BogglesGoggles · 14/08/2019 01:38

It doesn’t take much effort to text. Well often drop messages to each other to check what time the other will be home/send an interesting article/say I love you etc.

PamelaTodd · 14/08/2019 01:38

Dh runs his own company and I’m a sahm so he rings me for a chat when he has time. And in the morning on the way to work. And in the evening on his way home. We chat more on the phone than in person. Smile
When I’m working though I hate to be interrupted, it disrupts my flow and irritates me.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/08/2019 01:40

“But I know plenty of people who text their partners all day long and phone them on their lunch break, then come home at night and have fuck all to talk about.”

How on earth would you know that about so many people? They all come to you for advice or something? My husband and I can manage to exchange a few texts and still have conversations all evening, there’s no especial virtue in either method of communication

HerSymphonyAndSong · 14/08/2019 01:43

This is clearly one of those MN things where we’re all supposed to be super cool and “oh sometimes I forget I even have a husband ”

I have no idea how people know so much about how often other couples communicate. I can only speak for myself because I really don’t care what works for others

flatulencebythebucket · 14/08/2019 01:53

Yup it shows a weak relationship. I only ever text my mrs under the circumstances you mentioned.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 14/08/2019 01:54

It’s ridiculous. Both my DH and I travel a lot (separately) and sometimes I go to text him and notice it has been days since we made contact 😂 We are both very secure (and busy) people.

30to50FeralHogs · 14/08/2019 02:42

Yup it shows a weak relationship

In your opinion.

To me, not bothering to contact your loved one shows a weak relationship. I know plenty of couples who are so ‘secure’ and ‘strong’ they don’t bother to pay each other compliments, have sex or spend any time together. I’d rather have my relationship tbh!

30to50FeralHogs · 14/08/2019 02:46

This is clearly one of those MN things where we’re all supposed to be super cool and “oh sometimes I forget I even have a husband ”

And then right on cue...

It’s ridiculous. Both my DH and I travel a lot (separately) and sometimes I go to text him and notice it has been days since we made contact

Why is that seen as the sign of a ‘good’ relationship, but actually wanting to talk to each other is apparently a weakness?!

Can’t some of you understand that what works for you doesn’t for others and vice versa?! It isn’t weak to contact your partner to tell them you love them or were thinking of them and thought they’d like to see xyz.

flashdancer19 · 14/08/2019 05:41

It’s ridiculous. Both my DH and I travel a lot (separately) and sometimes I go to text him and notice it has been days since we made contact

That sounds like a shit relationship! You're so unimportant I don't even think about you or have anything in common that I want to discuss with you.

I mean days of no contact?

flashdancer19 · 14/08/2019 05:44

Yup it shows a weak relationship. I only ever text my mrs under the circumstances you mentioned

No it doesn't, that's your opinion! You also think referring to your wife as MY Mrs shoes a good relationship? I think the 1980s have called and asked for you to go back there.

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