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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 30 and dating a 19 year old

455 replies

Luciferthethird · 13/08/2019 18:01

That's it really, I've 2 DC's they've not been introduced yet, still too early for that. We've been dating for about 3 weeks. He's lovely and he keeps telling me the age gap doesn't bother him.
My sister has the exact same age gap between herself and her partner but somehow that seems more acceptable when it's the man that's older. I just need a sounding board really.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 13/08/2019 19:24

I dunno. I can’t judge really, I was 18 when I met my 27 year old partner.

He didn’t have any kids though, and we have a lot in common, also retail at the time.

It does weird me out when I think that 4 years before we met I was 14 and him 23.

Whatever floats your boat!

Banangana · 13/08/2019 19:24

I don't have any children but I'd it hate for any of the teenagers in my family were anchored down by a 30 year old and their 2 children before they'd even reached proper adulthood.

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 13/08/2019 19:24

placemats
"He will probably leave you though once you get into your mid 40s."
I enjoy your optimism, but I'd say it will end long before that.

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 13/08/2019 19:27

If my 19 year old son was dating thirty year old with two children I would be really upset. You're at different life stages and you aren't fully grown up at 19.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/08/2019 19:28

I can’t see why anyone would even want a 19 year old shag buddy as unless 19 year olds have changed in the last 30 plus years the sex will be mediocre at best

Tennesseewhiskey · 13/08/2019 19:28

Honestly if a Male or female friend of mine at 30 was seeing a 19 year old and wondering about where it will go i would have the same reaction of 'wtf?'

What makes me laugh on these threads is all the women going 'oh go for it. Shag him. Have fun, nothing like a younger man'

If it was the 19 year old daughter that a 30 man was shagging so he could have some fun memories of shagging someone much younger, just for a bit of fun, using then to get their jollies. They wouldnt be happy.

And likewise, its om for female posters to slag off older men, but if anyone suggested older women are past their prime, old farts, not as good in bed, etc. There would be outrage.

One poster even said on the last one that men over 40 cant get hard. Odd, but I have never had that experience. But imagine a man saying 'women over 40 just dont get wet enough'

Its really threads like this that show MN sex based bias to its max.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2019 19:28

When you say "dating" what do you do on your dates ?

ReanimatedSGB · 13/08/2019 19:28

Why all the bleating and pearl clutching about the fact that this may be a short fling, mainly about sex? There is nothing wrong with wanting and having sex with someone a chunk older/younger than you are, as long as there is no real power imbalance (eg the older person is the younger person's employer or teacher) and no coercion.

Onceuponacheesecake · 13/08/2019 19:29

I wouldn't have dated a 19 year old when I was 19 as they seem like such boys, never mind at 30.

Honeyroar · 13/08/2019 19:30

When I was 29 I went out with a 21 year old. Initially he lied and said he was 25 (I should've run then, he later turned out to lie very convincingly!). We went out for five years, bought a house, got engaged. i remember being scared stiff of meeting his parents! and put it off for ages! As it happens we got on brilliantly. He was obsessed with me, did all the running, was pretty mature for his age, his colleagues were older. I was pretty young looking for my age and just into going out and having fun. His friends of the same age drove me mad though, they were so immature. It eventually fell apart when I kind of grew out of the party scene and my biological clock started ticking. He ended up having an affair with someone immediately before our wedding.

This guy probably is old for his age and is genuinely attracted to you, but he hasn't seen the whole of you - the tying side of having children, the school runs etc. Enjoy it, see what happens, but err on the side of "it's not going to last".

Lovemenorca · 13/08/2019 19:30

And in 3 weeks
When you have two young children and have (thankfully!) not introduced then to him - how many “dates” have you actually been on?

Rumours0fAHurricane · 13/08/2019 19:32

Good God, I'd be most unimpressed if this was my son you were dating!!!

However it isn't so crack on. He's of age

However it won't last will it? You're at completely different life stages

Flerkin · 13/08/2019 19:32

When I split with exh at 34. 2 kids.

A mn at work of 22, was chasing me. I really liked him as a friend. Probably would have fancied when younger. But one if the overriding things was, if it went anywhere it would so unfair for me to tie him down at 22 to a woman with 2 kids.

I would kit be happy if it was my son.

purplelila2 · 13/08/2019 19:33

I think it's creepy and the thought of it cringe worthy.

It's also very inappropriate

It's just sleazy

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 19:33

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff I can’t see why anyone would even want a 19 year old shag buddy as unless 19 year olds have changed in the last 30 plus years the sex will be mediocre at best

Maybe some of them, but certainly not all! Grin

Cyclemad222 · 13/08/2019 19:34

Do you know the campsite rule? Always leave a partner in at least as good a shape as you find them. Age gap relationships can mess with people more than similar age relationships, there's a power imbalance (often but not always)

LookingUpLookingUp · 13/08/2019 19:34

So much judgement on this thread. OP I think 30 is still pretty young! Only you know the dynamic. It may not last, but sometimes it doesn’t need to.
When I was 18, I had a 28 year old boyfriend. He was awesome. Kind, funny, witty, committed, hardworking, loaded! It was so much fun. I got taken to expensive restaurants, bought nice things, driven in very nice cars and taken on lovely holidays. Nobody mentioned the age gap. Even my parents who are pretty traditional. We lasted 2.5 years until he wanted to get married and I wasn’t ready, so I left him. I was at uni, studying medicine and couldn’t see myself getting married so young when I had so much of my life and career ahead of me.
I think some of the judgement here is because the man is younger and that’s unconventional. People will deny it, but tbh I think it is part of the reaction you are getting.

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 13/08/2019 19:34

*AnyFucker

When you say "dating" what do you do on your dates ?*
We go to the cinema, for walks, dinner, drives, a drive then a walk. I'm not going to deny having slept with him but we've spent a total of 2 nights together.

OP posts:
FromChaosToHarmony · 13/08/2019 19:34

I'm 24 and I couldnt/wouldnt date a 19 year old. Anyone under 22 feels odd to me.

I agree about the difference in life experience and also how immature people of that age can be. Especially considering you have children.

Nabana · 13/08/2019 19:37

I dated a 36 year old when I was 24 and the age gap didn't bother me or seem to bother anyone else. I know 19 and 24 are quite different ages maturity-wise but that depends on the person.

Mileysmiley · 13/08/2019 19:38

@placemats

I agree ...

I am wondering what his mother thinks about it?

3timeslucky · 13/08/2019 19:39

How long ago was he in school?

TerracottaLeggy · 13/08/2019 19:39

Why would anyone submit their love life for to posters on Mumsnet for approval?

Why would the people here even have an opinion on your relationship?

It is the strangest thing about this site

Quepaso · 13/08/2019 19:40

You're utterly disgusting.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/08/2019 19:40

Well I'm guessing he doesn't act like a typical 19 year old as presumably then you wouldn't be interested?
I'd say enjoy it but be very careful of his feelings/lack of emotional experience.
Sounds like you'll be getting a lot of judgement from people in general going by this thread!