I'm 30 and dating a 19 year old

[Luciferthethird]

That's it really, I've 2 DC's they've not been introduced yet, still too early for that. We've been dating for about 3 weeks. He's lovely and he keeps telling me the age gap doesn't bother him.
My sister has the exact same age gap between herself and her partner but somehow that seems more acceptable when it's the man that's older. I just need a sounding board really.

Someone earlier wrote

"if my 19 year old son dated a 30 year old woman I would have though he'd taken leave of his senses"

Another just now writes

"therapy may be useful to you"...

Why do so many posters see this as fundamentally odd or in need of mental health intervention?

The reason why I say this, is that think of it this way.

Not everyone wants to meet people online. Not everyone is ruthlessly sorting through partners who are bracketed into the same age group as them, or who also have DCs, or who are amenable to instantly forming some sort of blended family which "legitimizes" their association.

Everyone is not the same, and people don't all have the same wants and needs.

If the OP is working somewhere, and that's often how we meet our partners let's be honest, then she may have had a different and unique context in order to get to know this person. Such contexts strip away the usual age thing, and means we get to interact as equals etc.

It means that there's nothing predatory about it, like placing our dating settings to

If that's too long; don't read, then I'm basically saying that some people are being a bit narrow minded, and imposing their wants and desires onto the OP as the only thing that can be desired.

Yeah, @Yeahnahmum you can’t really bite back and call me a hypocrite when that’s exactly how you were being in your post to OP, an immature one at that.

So English is your third language? And yet that’s how you choose to speak to people? Often with language comes lots of life experience, it’s a shame that’s lost on you to say hahahahahaha do you talk about his favourite Sesame Street character and mock their conversations cantered around education 🙄

GinDaddy Someone earlier wrote "if my 19 year old son dated a 30 year old woman I would have though he'd taken leave of his senses"

Another just now writes "therapy may be useful to you"...

Why do so many posters see this as fundamentally odd or in need of mental health intervention?

To be fair, the OP's title is rather goady and it reads like a gossip magazine headline, which isn't helping matters.

But also to be fair, most posters will not be in a position to ever be contemplating dating a 19 year old, or even a partner later in life with that much of an age gap. They will not lead the sort of lives where they meet men with such an age gap, be single at the appropriate time or even physically appeal to a much younger man.

I met my 12 years younger DH when doing the same sport. It didn't even occur to either of us that there was an age gap when we first met and its still not something we've ever bothered about in any way.

A lot of people don't do sport or have hobbies. They get married, have children, live their lives and cannot contemplate anyone who does not follow the same path to the letter.

I have to say, at 45, I've been propositioned by a 17 year old, and 2 18 year olds, also met through the same sport, and while slightly flattering, its really not somewhere I'd want me and my reputation to go. But 19 and 30 - meh.

And to the poster who said it would have to take a very mature 19 year old and a very immature 30 year old, the most immature men I've ever come across are invariably in their forties or fifties (or older) and never lived independently without some woman running around after them.

@Jellybeansincognito i believe life experience comes with life, not language. My experience in life has taught me not to engage in more then one or 2 replies to a random stranger online that you know you will never see eye to eye with. I am out.

My son is 19 and I would be appalled if he was seeing a 30 year old.

My son is 19 and I would be appalled if he was seeing a 30 year old

Any particular reason?

Good @yeahnahmum because I can not tolerate people that are unnecessarily horrible on a forum and then act like a victim when called out on it.

Enjoy!

I did similar - he was 18 and I was 27 and we had a lovely 2 years together. He was a kind, gentle young man and I enjoyed his company, it was that simple. I still think back and smile about him 20 years on.

So enjoy it for what it is!

Something that's come up a few times is an "imbalance of power" or that I'm using him, maybe I'm being a little naive here but what power do I have over him?

And about all the posters asking about what his parents think I grilled him this morning on the matter and he says they're not bothered there's been a few jokes around the dinner table but other than that they don't seem fussed.
I don't want to say much more on the off chance I'll out myself but his step mums daughter and I have a mutual friend so she knows of me.

Something that's come up a few times is an "imbalance of power" or that I'm using him, maybe I'm being a little naive here but what power do I have over him?

I posted before saying I was hesitant to generalise from my own bad experience, but for the sake of discussion here are some not-unusual things I have acquired between the ages of 19 and 31 which I think can impact power dynamics in any sort of relationship:

• own home vs living with parents
• considerably more experience of relationships, therefore much better confidence re: when to say ‘fuck off’
• considerably more experience of relationships, therefore much more baggage which I might unwittingly bring up and act out in future relationships if not mindful about that prospect
• two children, therefore extensive experience of being taken seriously in all sorts of interactions
• well established career, therefore much more money, and again extensive experience of being taken seriously and treated with respect (but also a v different idea of work/life balance to the one I had ten years ago)
• much less flexibility about current schedule and also future plans - in terms of children and career especially - any fling I had now would need to be really based around my availability and I’m not up for relocating etc, whereas 10 years ago I’d have been much more open minded and willing/able to compromise

Some of that is really only relevant to more serious relationships, but some I think has relevance to casual flings too. My own personal view is that it isn’t inherently imbalanced, just has an increased chance of being so.

I do cringe a little when I hear people describing themselves/their partners as ‘very mature’ as teenagers. My ex and I would have said exactly that about me and I was (am still, I think) intellectually mature relative to age, but beneath that widely-read carefully-articulated culturally-aware well-controlled veneer, I definitely had all the emotional inexperience and insecurities of a teenager. Cleverness, and a general ease with people much older than me, masked the fact that I was totally out of my depth in that relationship.

Thing is, many relationships have at least some sort of power imbalance (different to the ones where it is blatant and likely to be a bit unethical eg one partner is the other's employer/teacher/therapist, or someone who could advance the other's career and has made it clear that 'being nice' eg dating that person, is a requirement). It's quite often the case that A has really fallen for B and B thinks that A will do for the moment, or that A has a lot more money, or fame, or is better looking than B by a long way. It's quite rare for people to be exactly matched in terms of their social capital, income, experience or intelligence or whatever.
Some relationships last a long time and some don't. Whether a relationship lasts or not is not actually a measure of whether it's good, enjoyable or 'acceptable', for one thing. If one partner enters into a relationship with the aim of getting what they can out of it, or 'winning', or being able to control the other partner, then that's a bad thing. If people begin dating with a mindset of 'I like you and find you attractive, you appear to like me and find me attractive, let's see what happens' then whatever happens is likely to be basically OK.

Power imbalance? Unless you’re dating someone who earns exactly the same as you, has the same outgoings, same education and same experience with relationships there’s always going to be a difference, you can’t call that a power imbalance, it’s just life.

When I was 18 and told my dad about my 27yo partner he wasn’t bothered, btw... for those talking about parents.
I asked if he was bothered about the age difference and he said not at all, it’s not relevant.
If anything, someone’s life experience in terms of your partner can be really positive. It’s fun to learn from other people’s experiences.

If he makes you feel happy then enjoy it
It may not last forever but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to feel wanted and attractive I think it’s a big compliment and shows how much he is into you he knows you’ve got 2 kids and isn’t bothered by it so don’t worry about any disapproving comments it’s your life not theirs

Late to this but I met DH when I was almost 31 and he was 19. He proposed after 5 days, I said yes. We're about to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary and it gets better with every year that passes. The age difference was never, and still isn't, an issue.

Have fun, OP!

Oh, and I had a four year old when we met, who he's brought up and who has called him daddy for 15 years.

If anything DH has always been more mature than me!

@zeezee3 wow. What a bitter, ignorant person you come across as.

DH has supported me and DD since he was in his early 20s and I was diagnosed with a life-changing/limiting disability (not age related, before you suggest it). He certainly is not immature/lazy/a cocklodger. I've been unable to work for most of the time we've been together and he's looked after me and our child financially and in every other way, just as any husband in his position would.

The idea that anyone might be 'jealous' of me having a younger husband has never, ever entered my head. I see him as an equal, not a shiny toy.

Your comments are horribly disrespectful.

@PenelopeQueef yours isn't a common case though. Statistically most people don't stay with the same people who they were with when they were 19.

Also, saying yes to a proposal from someone you knew for 5 days when you had a child is incredibly irresponsible, no matter what age they are. That's someone that you barely know.

@Waxonwaxoff0 I didn't marry him or move in with him after five days, though. In fact we didn't move in together until a month before we married, a year after we met.

Plenty of people stay with the people they met when they were 19. I have lots of friends who married/got partnered up young and have stayed with the same person since. I've also got friends with bigger age differences than me and DH. A close friend of mine is due to have her first baby next month with her husband of five years. She's 45, he's 30. They got together when she was 37.

Just because it doesn't happen often in your circle doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

@PenelopeQueef it's not my circle that's unusual though, it's yours. It's statistical facts that the majority of people don't stay together with the person they were with when they were 19. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, it does, but it is not the norm.

I don't think you're doing anything very wrong. He's a man after all, though probably too young for you. I don't know how much you have in common.
The thing that would worry me if I was you is that you've said yourself it's unlikely to last, so I would just feel as though it was all a waste of time. I couldn't get into a relationship without the prospect and hope of it lasting.

My son is 19 and I would be appalled if he was seeing a 30 year old.

Luckily he can drink, vote, work and move as far away from you as possible! I'm just kidding. I'm sure your opinion is how he measures up future romances.

To be honest, I wouldn’t say I was appalled but I would be. If he really cares about her he should understand that this woman has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders, that her kids come first and that that does mean that there is a lot of stuff 20 years do that he won’t be able to do, as he needs speed track from being a teen to be a mature person with responsibilities.

Thinking of that OP, I would be more devastated if I was your mother and you fell in love with someone so young and inexperienced to give you the time, understanding and support you need as single parent.

It may work but hell, it is hard enough to find that in a man your own age who has his own children, to be lucky enough to find it in someone whose mum may still be cooking his meals and paying for his upkeep.

... this reminds me of a time my 40 years old colleague was raving about finding herself a toyboy. As a newly divorced mum of a boy, I was just thinking... I have already enough with making a good man of my own child, why would I like to “train” another one? I WANT ONE READY MADE!

(Sorry)