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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

150 replies

malmal · 13/08/2019 17:34

I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
SilentAlarm · 13/08/2019 17:36

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it sounds like you love him but maybe you’re just not compatible. You can’t have the lifestyle you want if you stay with him, and he’s happy as things are. You want different things, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Lucafritz · 13/08/2019 17:36

YANBU you sound incompatible and his lack of motivation in life will only drag you down the longer you stay. Dump him and go enjoy your salary and have fun you don't need him weighing you down He'll only become dependent on you over time

Sandybval · 13/08/2019 17:37

YANBU, for me it wouldnt be just the money but also the lack of motivation.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 13/08/2019 17:37

Dumping him for not earning enough is different from lack of ambition. I’d be irritated if I was stopped doing things due to my partner.

Original poster
malmal · 13/08/2019 17:38

He has a few business ideas but is yet to really assert himself.

OP posts:
Pinkout · 13/08/2019 17:38

YANBU, ambition and drive is important in a relationship. You need to have a similar level for it to work, sadly you two don’t.

I ended my first marriage for a few reasons but I’d say this one was the biggest. He just had absolutely no drive to better himself whatsoever and was happy working in shitty retail jobs. He’s still working in one of those jobs now, over five years after we split...

Some people never change.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2019 17:38

I think this is fine for you to end it. It's ok to want financial equality in a relationship and to not feel like you're being prevented from doing the things you want, why should you have to live like that, or even carry him.

End it and move on. Sometimes people aren't compatible. If you wanted to just stay home and eat cheap pizza it would be different, but you don't. So end it now.

Oldraver · 13/08/2019 17:39

Well if he wont let you pay them go out on your own or with friends. He cant scupper your social life like this coz he cant pay

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/08/2019 17:39

You shouldn't have to simply put up with someone you're incompatible with because you'd feel guilty dumping him. If you're interested in going out and having adventures and he's happy staying in eating pizza, you're not going to last long-term.

fortheloveofPete · 13/08/2019 17:41

(Why don't you buy your own place instead of living in someone's else's for free who can sell it from under you?)

As for your question, it does seem as though you are on different pages in life. I think maybe have a talk with him, explain your feelings and if there's no change, explain that you want more out of life and end it.

managedmis · 13/08/2019 17:42

YANBU

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 17:43

You've got different aims and ambitions. It'll never work long term, and in the meantime you're wasting your life.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2019 17:44

How long have you been together op? How old are you? 25 or so? Is he the same age?

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/08/2019 17:44

He has a few business ideas.......

If he lacks ambition and motivation these ideas will likely either never happen or will fail. Don't be surprised if he expects you to stake him as well.

Hilolilo · 13/08/2019 17:46

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘AIBU to dump him because he earns very little’. To me it sounds a lot deeper and more about his personality than something as shallow as you just wanting him to earn more. I read the title expecting to say YABU but having read your post, definitely YANBU. You sound incompatible to be honest and unless you have a serious and frank conversation with him, there will be a lot of resentment growing in the future if you stay together

onanothertrain · 13/08/2019 17:46

You can dump him for whatever reason you like.
Is he having to pay rent or a mortgage?
How would you feel if he dumped you because you live for free in someone else's house and he finds that off putting?

Original poster
malmal · 13/08/2019 17:47

We're both 25, met a uni.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 13/08/2019 17:48

If you aren't happy with someone and there are things in life that are more important to you than being with them, YANBU to dump them.

I, personally, wouldn't dump someone because they weren't career-orientated, but that's because I'm not very career-orientated either (I earn an OK salary but not as much as I could earn, and not as much as my partner). But I would dump someone if our lifestyles and values were incompatible to the point where it was making me unhappy and resentful, and it sounds like that's the position you're in.

It actually sounds like it would be much less of a problem if your boyfriend would let you pay for things now and again. It's not like you're being spoilt and demanding that he treats you to lavish nights out - you're offering to pay and he's still saying no. So I don't think you're being unfair or unreasonable. And you're selling yourself short with the thread title - you're not being selfish or money-grabbing here, you're paying your way and have offered to pay for your boyfriend's way too!

Original poster
malmal · 13/08/2019 17:51

I think my title reflects how I think (fear) my partner will interpret my reasoning.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 13/08/2019 17:56

Another one who thinks that you are fundamentally incompatible. Lots of partners go through stages of earning different amounts but as long as people generally view finances the same way, it doesn't have to be an issue.
At 25 and fancy free and earning a decent salary i would want to going out lots to theatre, concerts and nice dinner. Someone who was happy to sit in with a pizza at weekends on a fairly permanent basis just wouldn't be attractive to me. Many woman might be similar and hence more compatible. Horses for courses etc

fortheloveofPete · 13/08/2019 17:57

Are you happy with him despite this?

It's a hard question to answer. Answer that, and you'll know what to do.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/08/2019 17:57

fortheloveofPete that has to be THE most stupid response I've seen in a while

NotStayingIn · 13/08/2019 17:57

I think breaking up would actually be the best thing to do. You aren’t compatible. You are starting to resent some of his characteristics. If the relationship progressed further (joint mortgage, baby etc) this would only become an ever bigger problem. Better to break up now so you can both find someone you are more compatible with.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/08/2019 17:58

And I'm referring to the why don't you buy your own place comment.

SinkGirl · 13/08/2019 18:02

Honestly, you’re clearly not in love with him. If you were this would be less of an issue. You’re still young, I’d move on now.

(but beware - lots of career minded men are utter shits Grin)

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