AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

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I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

I ended a relationship of 3yrs because of this, he had his own business and always thought he'd sort things out but he never did and never will. He was very comfortable being frugal all the time but for me if felt like going out with someone who was on the dole. He would say no to the cheapest trips and avoid eating out, make 1 pint last all night etc, I got fed up of it so have him as a friend instead now

Hi OP

I think I'd probably end it. 4 years on from uni, assuming he graduated at the same time as you, if he's not progressed any of these business ideas, got work experience or more qualifications etc to move it forward or done a ton of research, then he probably wont.

He sounds like a nice guy and not a free loader but as you get older and climb the ladder more you're probably going to want different things.

What are both your attitudes to moving to climb the career ladder, taking work on holiday, studying for extra qualifications, socialising for work, working long hours when you have a family and putting kids in childcare to concentrate on career etc. If you both have different views it is difficult but can work if you both support each other but if you ever have a family it might be hard to reconcile those different opinions with what you think the 'right' way to bring up kids is

You’re not compatible and that’s only going to become more obvious the older you get. Cut your losses now

Don't feel bad. You aren't dumping him because of income, you're dumping him because of lack of drive and ambition. That's different and totally fair

You have different attitudes to life and ambition. You resent him already. It will end sooner or later so might as well get it over with.

You wrote I think my title reflects how I think (fear) my partner will interpret my reasoning.

As a general rule of thumb don't tell partners any detail of why you are dumping them. Stick with "I'm not happy." "I want different things in life" etc. Your logic belongs in your head only - it can't help him at all to know that your mismatched career ambition was the deal breaker.

Most women I know with good marriages dumped their first long term partners in their twenties and went on to meet the right man in late twenties. Knowing what you don't want and being willing to walk away makes it easier to recognise and hold onto the right match when you find each other.

Most women I know with good marriages dumped their first long term partners in their twenties and went on to meet the right man in late twenties. Knowing what you don't want and being willing to walk away makes it easier to recognise and hold onto the right match when you find each other.

Meh, I'm still with mine and am in my 40s. But we have very similar outlooks on life, if you don't then it's totally screwed and most people don't settle down with the boyfriend they had at 20. We are a minority 😂😂

Well, there's nothing wrong with wanting a more even playing field when it comes to finances.

But I'm sorry OP, if you are even contemplating breaking up with him because of this, you really don't '100% love him'. Maybe he is just not ambitious, not everyone is. This doesn't bother some people - not everyone on MN is married to the CEO of a massive company - but some people find lack of ambition unattractive.

If you really did love him, you would be able to live with, and accept, this side of his nature. My BIL is not ambitious in any way - happy earning a reasonable salary but doesn't want the amount of stress that many well paid jobs have. My sister adores the very bones of him anyway and understands that's just the way he is and she wants him to be happy. She is incredibly ambitious so earns much more than him, but he picks up the slack when it comes to childcare, appointments etc. It works for them and she would never have contemplated leaving him because of his lower salary or lack of ambition.

If you really feel like this, you would probably both be better with other people.

I would say that 25 is too early to tell. Lots of people are lurching from one thing to another or haven't quite found their feet at 25. He could do further qualifications or start a business and out-earn you by 29.

You might feel that you are earning well now - well done, by the way! - but it only takes one round of redundancies or a false move to find yourself starting again.

Here's an idea. Take 10 pieces of paper and write down 10 things that you want in your life, large or small, material or otherwise: brand of car, holiday, two children, the opportunity to take a year's maternity leave...Ask him to write down 10 things too. Have a glass of wine together and see how you react to each other's dreams/desires.

OP, I was a high earner like you. Like a PP, I had a child with SN which meant my income dropped from £50k to £3.5k (carers allowance). ExH left me.

Life can change. quickly. Dump him of you want. but keep in mind that life can be cruel and things can change in the blink of an eye. also your income.

I find this very sad to be honest and, doubtless I shall be lambasted for my views- it seems that 'ambition' is only defined as a desire to climb the career ladder, earn as much as possible and have material 'things'. All pointless really, there are no pockets in a shroud and it most certainly does not make one a better person. In fact, as someone pointed out earlier, on this thread, those who have the least to give are the ones who generally give the most!

There is, indeed, more to life than all that superficial, shallow, fake nonsense. I am ambitious; my ambition is to be happy, contented with what I have, have time to enjoy my home, my hobbies, my life and, most of all, my family! I am employed in a field which doesn't and never will pay well ( below UK average by a long way), but I am happy, enjoy what I do, get to be outside all day long in a natural environment and feel that I have achieved. I am home at a reasonable time, do not have to spend my life shackled to a desk or computer, sitting on my pinstriped backside, polishing a chair, working stupid hours, being absent from my family for long hours, a slave to Mammon.

I would be devastated if my partner were so shallow that she would only want to be with me because of my earning potential - she (hopefully!) sees my other qualities ( such as they are) as being far more important. I regard myself as being a reasonably intelligent, articulate chap and, yes, if I had chosen to, no doubt I could have had a high flying career, but I would not have been happy - therefore, as far as I am concerned, I have achieved.

And, as has been said, those who are very driven, career minded or money obssessed are, very often, not the most pleasant of partners or companions.

Overall, I think you are incompatible, set your partner free and allow him to find someone who appreciates him for who he is, not what he represents or what trinkets, baubles and wads of notes he can dump in your lap to buy your affection ( and I use the word 'affection' rather than 'love' for very good reason).

You might feel that you are earning well now - well done, by the way! - but it only takes one round of redundancies or a false move to find yourself starting again.

True, DH and I have both at different times been the biggest wage earner. But you need similar attitudes to work and money or the relationship is absolutely doomed. That isn't shallow it's the truth.

I would be devastated if my partner were so shallow that she would only want to be with me because of my earning potential - she (hopefully!) sees my other qualities ( such as they are) as being far more important. I regard myself as being a reasonably intelligent, articulate chap and, yes, if I had chosen to, no doubt I could have had a high flying career, but I would not have been happy - therefore, as far as I am concerned, I have achieved.

I want long term financial security and spent my 20s working towards that. I wouldn't have wanted a bloke to hold me back who felt differently. That is practical not shallow.

@IDespairOfTheHumanRace but the OP hasn't mentioned wanting material things, she wants to be able to go out and experience things with a partner. Stop trying to make her out to be shallow.

Maybe he just doesn’t like the same sorts of things you do, personally I don’t like ‘expensive nights out’ and wouldn’t dream of spending money on theatre tickets, live shows, expensive dinners etc (& I can if I wanted to) - I like the idea of a ‘cheap pizza’ meal out and would be attracted to someone who’s idea of spending time together would be volunteering together or similar, I know that makes me sound ‘worthy’ but I met my DH through a shared interest in volunteering and neither of us are into spending money on ‘entertainment’ so that makes us pretty compatible.

Perhaps you are just not that compatible?

@vodkaredbullgirl

I think you mean "the love of money is the root of all evil", don't you?

Perhaps you are just not that compatible?

Yep, that's totally my reading of the OP.

Yes that is what i meant Annie

Ambition isn't bad. Wanting to use your money to experience more isn't bad. Business leaders, a good manager, can make a huge difference to the lives of many.

Being happy with a simple repetitive life isn't a sign of being an inherently good person.

Both are perfectly reasonable ways for people to live their lives. A mismatch in a couple can be a disaster though. It shows fundamentally different values, which are only labelled good/bad by those with their own prejudices.

You want to split up. You already know he's not a keeper for you. Cut him loose to find someone who is a better match for him.

What does he say when you broach the subject? Do you discuss money?

I LOVE a great meal out and happily spend £200 on dinner in amazing restaurants. I was very happy to pay for my (then fiancé) now husband as he earned about half my salary.

We also did cheaper things and he MORE than pulls his weight overall despite the fact I’m the significantly higher earner.

I think the main issue you have is he isn’t ambitious and it’s not so much that he doesn’t earn well it’s that he’s actively stopping you doing what you want as he won’t accept you paying for anything.

Nobody wants a Cocklodger but equally if there is huge disparity there needs to be compromise on both sides.

yanbu - you should definitely dump someone who you aren't into enough to still want to be with them if they don't earn as much in the future.

when you actually love someone fr real, the amount they earn won't matter so much.

In a ltr with children him being the lower earner and not as ambitious will be a positive thing. You will be able to succeed in the workplace and your dp will be able to pick up the slack and be the SAHP.

Having two people with no time as they're both ambitious at work isn't always the best ingredients for a happy relationship.

You are allowed to dump him if you don't want to be with him anymore, but if him not being like your friends dps is the problem maybe think about appreciation what qualities he has.

Yeah you don't sound compatible

After all this time you still do not live together, that answers your question really. You do need to share the same goals and have a similar mindset. You are young, go enjoy yourself and continue to work hard.

I’d split up. You don’t share the same values.

fizzypoo presumably you and your DH have similar values and outlooks on life though..?

Having DC is also likely to be several years off for the OP.