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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

150 replies

malmal · 13/08/2019 17:34

I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 13/08/2019 20:32

It does sound like you met when you were in a similar life stage, at uni, and you've moved on to the next stage, but he hasn't.

It is frustrating as if you weren't together, youd be going out, travelling, making the most of these few precious years post uni pre kids with big disposable income and no dependents.

I would end it. Dont say its lack of income, because that's not the real problem, the real problem is you haven't grown together. You aren't a match anymore and are too different.

Aim to spend a year alone, its tempting to go straight into another long term relationship if that's the only way you've been an adult.

Alexisa66 · 13/08/2019 20:34

Definitely. Bin him if he doesn't bring you financial happiness.Smile

Alexisa66 · 13/08/2019 20:39

Nobody loves anyone anymore. It's all so fake and shallow. But deffo bin him for someone with more bucksSmile

JamesBlonde1 · 13/08/2019 20:40

Sounds like a mill stone around your neck.

Has he never thought where his life is heading and how he's going to afford a comfortable life? Children need supporting etc.

I don't think I'd even want to give him an ultimatum. If he's not done anything about it now, then that's his personality isn't it?

Everyone's different. I've always had hardworking boyfriends who wanted to enjoy life, travel, build a future. Not just tick by and live hand to mouth.

When you've worked so hard too. You'll end up carrying him.

Teateaandmoretea · 13/08/2019 20:42

Nobody loves anyone anymore. It's all so fake and shallow. But deffo bin him for someone with more bucks

Cos humans can live on love alone.

If you are really that naive I suggest you read around MN a bit more, try the money boards....

JonSnowsCloak · 13/08/2019 20:45

If you love him as much as you say you do and this is what you feel is holding you back, talk to him about it. It seems to me that you're really proud of how well you've done but cant see how you can live the lifestyle you've worked hard for with him without resenting the fact he isn't putting as much as you in. I was in a similar position, did well after a grad scheme and had both the deposit and the means to pay a mortgage but my partner didn't at the time, was living hand to mouth and in his overdraft every month and we lived in his mums house so little privacy and couldn't have things the way we would have our own place (as much as I will always be grateful to her as it meant being able to save for solicitors fees etc). I would have resented him so much if we had bought the house and we didn't go 50 50 which would have meant me having not much disposable income that I'd worked hard for or him having no money left to do anything and me ending up paying for both of us. He was in a dead end job but went out the next week and got a new job that was so much more money and now with the hard work and overtime he puts in he earns the same as me and we both enjoy doing what we want to do and have nice things and I love him for the fact he made a change because he knew how much it meant to me. If he cares about you he will probably realise that you're getting fed up of not doing what you want to do and while it might not be as easy as it worked out for us if you want to be happy with HIM you need to tell him x

Lifeandjoy · 13/08/2019 20:51

I earn wayyyy more than my husband. I'm going to bon him. We're not financially compatible Hmm.

Imagine if it was the other way round. Man wants to dump woman because woman earns less than him and has other life or career ambitions that's not about earning mega bucks.

Limensoda · 13/08/2019 20:51

You need to find someone like yourself who values 'things' more than people they supposedly love.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2019 20:58

Op, clearly some people lack the ability to critically think.

It's clear this isn't about money, it's about shared values, about wanting to do the same things, about striving for that, enjoying thr journey,

You say you love him, but I don't think you do. Because if you did you wouldn't be considering ending this.

And if rhe resentment is building now, in ten years time it will be unbearable.

And as for the ridiculous post that two ambitious people doesn't work with kids, I can assure you it does. You make it work.

End it, take some time apart, see how you feel.

brassbrass · 13/08/2019 21:03

I think I'm struggling to write off a 25 year old. I certainly hadn't realised my career path at that age. I'm a different person now to who I was then although my core values were established. I wasn't as disciplined or motivated that's for sure. I was young!

If he was 35 and doing the same thing I'd have to have a serious think about where it was all headed. But at 25 just seems a bit of a terminal judgement.

That's not to say you need to justify ending it. If it isn't working for you for whatever reason you don't need permission to end it.

sewinginscotland · 13/08/2019 21:04

I was in this situation with an ex. He flunked his GCSEs, flunked Alevels, did an BTEC and just about scraped together the grades to get into uni - but decided to take a gap year 'to get his head together'. He never applied to uni or got a job while on the gap year. I dumped him for not being an achiever at that point.

You've got to be with someone with compatible desires to you.

Teateaandmoretea · 13/08/2019 21:10

I think I'm struggling to write off a 25 year old. I certainly hadn't realised my career path at that age. I'm a different person now to who I was then although my core values were established. I wasn't as disciplined or motivated that's for sure. I was young!

I can see where you are coming from but the OP is the same age. Lots of people have proper career jobs at 25 - me and DH did, I wouldn't have wanted to be saddled with an overgrown teenager still finding himself (and he may not..!) at that age.

It's one of the (many) reasons most people have more than one long term relationship and that is totally normal. They do not live together or have dc, now is the sensible time to assess the future.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2019 21:15

I don't see how she's writing him off. What's she to do, hang about till she's thirty five, have the resentment grow, in the hope that one day he gets it together and suddenly decides a career, and going on fun adventures is something he'd rather do than temp and stay home eating cheap pizza.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 13/08/2019 21:18

it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent

Does he pay rent? If so then it isn’t his salary that restricts you it’s his disposable income. How much would you have IF you had to pay full rental prices? Maybe you should focus on how he doesn’t want to be a kept man and let you pay for stuff because There are plenty of people on here moaning they have a cock lodger but he would clearly rather not go out than be a kept man, you love everything else about him so have a serious conversation. He may have no idea you feel this way.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 13/08/2019 21:22

So if he gets until what, 30, to start a career, would the OP be looking at starting a family then, and still not be able to make the most of the freedom that time and money gives her now?

Honestly OP, you aren't a good match. Move on. Enjoy this time and try to meet someone who has the same ambitions as you.

BlueSkiesLies · 13/08/2019 21:22

25 is peak time for getting your head down and working hard to set a solid base for the future.

You’ve grown apart and you’re feeling resentful you can do fun things, which you absolutely should be doing.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 13/08/2019 21:23

If you're feeling resentful at 25, it doesn't bode well. £47K is a pretty high salary at your age, so while earning less than you wouldn't be that unusual, if your aspirations and goals are badly mismatched it's not a great foundation for a future together.

brassbrass · 13/08/2019 21:25

I did also say if she wants to move on then she does not need permission to do so. Move on by all means.

What I meant is I can't label him a useless slacker and life failure at the tender age of 25.

Jade218 · 13/08/2019 21:26

YANBU

notanotherfucker · 13/08/2019 21:30

Thinking of ending it with my fella for the same reason, it he's 40!

DeadButDelicious · 13/08/2019 21:32

If you aren't happy and don't want to be with him then yes, it is probably best to end it.

I will say this though, my husband had 'ambition' and 'drive'. He worked hard at his career and we enjoyed a good standard of living. However it made him miserable. His job took over his entire life. All he could think about was work, getting further, doing more. Proving something maybe? I don't know. He became boring to be around. Then the company he worked for went belly up and thanks to the uncertainty over Brexit he found it difficult to find work in the same industry. He fell into a deep, deep depression. It took him a long time to surface from that. But he did and now he works in a manual job, he's not management anymore and he's happy. He has things to say. He sleeps at night. We might not be rolling in money but we get by. I can definitely say we are happier.

thecatinthetwat · 13/08/2019 21:41

Why won't he let you pay? Is he sexist? That would be my main problem.

Anyway, don't waste your life eating pizza and watching TV.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 13/08/2019 21:53

Yanbu
This isn't about money, it's about his lack of ambition. You two sound very incompatible and that problem will get worse as time goes on.

MaintainTheMolehill · 13/08/2019 23:49

**I 100% love him. I love that he's incredibly charming and charismatic (qualities I envy). He also has a way of making mundane tasks/chores fun as he has a great sense of humour/doesn't take himself seriously.

He sounds amazing. It's up to you if you want to risk losing someone like this. Eventually the holidays and nights out and 'things become boring and you go home to an empty house or a suitably ambitious oh. Do you want to risk that person not being as good as him?

areukiddingme · 13/08/2019 23:52

You are not been unreasonable, leave him, get someone that earns more than you because money is more important than happiness in your opinion. LTB

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