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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

150 replies

malmal · 13/08/2019 17:34

I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
GoGoGoGoGo · 13/08/2019 18:03

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I had a long term boyfriend in my early 20s. We both went to uni and afterwards I started my career and he got a part time job in a shop, which he never moved on from despite claiming to apply for jobs. He had no ambition, there was no effort on his part and I paid for the majority of things.

In the end we broke up, we had little in common and his lack of ambition or even the lack of just trying really got on my nerves.

Now I’m married to DH, he couldn’t be more different.

chocolateismydrug · 13/08/2019 18:05

are you otherwise happy? if so, this would not bother me. Not everyone is ambitious career wise. There are other things in life which are more important (I used to earn loads but had to give it all up due to having a child with very complex SN. we are now pretty poor in monetary terms but it taught me that there are things which are much more important than earning £££. I am rather embarrassed by my superficial pre-DD self).

timshelthechoice · 13/08/2019 18:07

You are not compatible. It happens. Just move on. Don't flog a dead horse.

PolkadotLollipop · 13/08/2019 18:10

I trust you are saving the money you would be paying in rent rather than using it as play money/disposable income every month? You’re in a great position to save.

I don’t think YABU to want to end the relationship. It sounds like you’ve outgrown it.

Original poster
malmal · 13/08/2019 18:13

I 100% love him. I love that he's incredibly charming and charismatic (qualities I envy). He also has a way of making mundane tasks/chores fun as he has a great sense of humour/doesn't take himself seriously. But I am definitely resentful that his salary restricts us.

I didn't grow up with money (went on holiday 5 times maybe) so really feel like this is my time.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 13/08/2019 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

summersherewishiwasnt · 13/08/2019 18:17

So it’s lack of ambition and drive not his lack of salary ?? Although ambition could mean more earning potential so I see what you mean. Bin him or expectvot spend your future subsidising him. If he refuses go/do things alone.... not without.

summersherewishiwasnt · 13/08/2019 18:18

Or he is refusing to lull you into thinking he is not mooch... because you know, you insisted.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/08/2019 18:20

OP doesn't sound like a bitch at all vodka, and it's not really any of your business what OP does with her money Polka

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/08/2019 18:24

I dont care what she does with her loads of money.

But to dump her b/f because he doesnt have the same or similar amount of money.

Like i said they both better off without each other.

TheRLodger · 13/08/2019 18:24

Yanbu
I dated a guy once and the reason why I didn’t take it any further was because I want to sometimes go to nicer places but he was always skint and I started resenting him for that

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 18:24

I 100% love him. I love that he's incredibly charming and charismatic (qualities I envy). He also has a way of making mundane tasks/chores fun as he has a great sense of humour/doesn't take himself seriously. But I am definitely resentful that his salary restricts us

Those are good qualities OP. And you love him.

Hopefully the man you settle down with will have the money and the personality.

I’m going to against the grain here and say yabu to finish with him.

r

user1493413286 · 13/08/2019 18:31

There’s a difference between not earning enough and not really committing to work. I had a boyfriend who earnt about 25-30k but only when he worked as he was constantly losing jobs or quitting jobs after a few weeks.
I value someone being a hard worker so if they worked hard and earned less that would be fine with me but I couldn’t handle how my ex was particularly never knowing when there would be money and when there wouldn’t

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/08/2019 18:34

Op what exactly does your soon to be ex b/f do for work?

Ragwort · 13/08/2019 18:39

Are you envious of your colleagues and their lifestyle with ‘richer’ partners? Personally I would find that all a bit shallow, just wanting ‘nice nights out’.

Your BF sounds a really genuine person, and you might not find it easy to find someone who is so charming and charismatic ... I fell for a high earning boyfriend when I left uni ... yes we had exotic holidays and expensive nights out but I bitterly regret ditching my cash strapped uni BF.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 18:42

It's funny how these threads either go the pragmatic, "you don't want the same things and that's ok" route; or they turn into "you greed-obsessed selfish bitch! Money can't buy happiness you know, he doesn't deserve such a golddigger!".

OP was lucky the wind blew the former way today.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 13/08/2019 18:43

You need to talk to your boyfriend though, OP.

You need to have that difficult, difficult conversation. At least be honest and see if he rises to the challenge or not.

missbattenburg · 13/08/2019 18:46

feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy.

If you would be understanding of someone dumping you for the same reason. Plenty of people earn more than you and would think your 47k is holding them back.

Everything is relative.

Loopytiles · 13/08/2019 18:47

25 is still quite young, I had some work problems at that age. You’ve found a well paid job you’re good at and enjoy, which is great, many of us don’t.

If, while you’re pondering on whether to stay in the relationship, you save up the money you’d otherwise be spending on nights out or holidays that could be a nice nest egg for you! You needn’t share any of it with him Grin

Lots of fun stuff to do can be free or cheap: is part of the problem that he doesn’t initiate doing much?

Loopytiles · 13/08/2019 18:48

Very few WOMEN of any age earn much more than £47k, perhaps 5%.

81Byerley · 13/08/2019 18:48

I think the question should be "Should he dump me?"

Flerkin · 13/08/2019 18:49

I met dp when he was nearly 40. He earns half what I do. He did have a career that injury ended a few years before he met me.

He often gets annoyed with himself wasting time in a job he knew he couldnt do forever and wishes he now had a career instead of just the first job he could find.

However he dislikes his job but goes everyday. He is looking at studying or getting qualifications to become more senior in the job he does as he thinks he will like that more. He Is very good with his money. He is kind and loving, wicked funny and adores me.

What he earns doesnt bother me. As a household we have a good joint income. We wont marry and wont have kids. I know if we split and he moves out (my house but our home) I can carry on and have a good life.

We dont pool money as such. He gives me money for Bill's and I sort them. All in my name. I like it this way. I save and he saves and we have a good life. My exh was a good earner, but he is was awful with money. He insisted on complete control and bills didnt get paid, money 'disappeared'. It was hell. I hated it. I like knowing everything is getting paid.

Personally, I think dumping someone because they dont earn enough is short sighted. But ending a relationship because you have different values and you find ambition attractive and he isnt driven like that, seems sensible.

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/08/2019 18:50

Exactly 81

altiara · 13/08/2019 18:51

Thing is you don’t know if he had a proper job or ran his own business whether he’d still want to stay in and save money then too.
If it was me, I’d try and develop a group of friends that I could have nights out /holidays or weekends away with. And then also have boyfriend time where you decide together what you want to do. But if he never lets you decide, you need to tell him that he’s not being fair on you and he’s always controlling what you do by not letting you pay.

Purpleartichoke · 13/08/2019 18:51

Dumping him for having a low income would be shallow. There are many worthwhile careers that sadly are low paid.

Dumping him for not taking his career and future seriously is wise. Simply coasting by with a university degree is the problem.

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