AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

[malmal]

I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

I wouldn't dump someone for this personally. I've been in the same situation and we just got creative with cheap dates. It actually pushed us to explore the more. My favourite date to this day was doing a food truck tour of all the food trucks we could find in our city.

But of course you have different standards and YANBU for wanting to enforce them.

I 100% love him. I love that he's incredibly charming and charismatic (qualities I envy). He also has a way of making mundane tasks/chores fun as he has a great sense of humour/doesn't take himself seriously. But I am definitely resentful that his salary restricts us.

You can't 100% love him if he has all these amazing qualities yet you are willing to dump him for one thing. You must have some single friends, why can't you go out and do things/holiday with them? I wouldn't be surprised if you doing so makes your bf buck his ideas up either.

How much does he currently earn, anyway?

If minimum wage/zero hours that’s a big difference from an average graduate wage, (median starting salary for UK graduates for 2018-2019 was between £19,000 and £22,000). If he’s Mr Average grad he’s doing OK IMO!

Maybe you need to sit down with him and discuss your feelings and see if he's prepared to pull his finger out. He sounds like a great guy, and although you may have the materialistic things to make you happy, there's nothin worse than looking back and regretting the one that got away.

my Partner earns a third of what I do. At the start he used to want to pay his way and get funny about things he couldn’t afford and I wanted to do. Fortunately it doesn’t happen very often as I’m not inclined towards nights out etc and would rather go into the mountains. But it happened enough that we had words about it which generally consisted of me plainly saying that if I want to do stuff I’m going to and he has a choice of accepting it and letting me pay when I want to do something (and he pays when he can) or I’d do it without him anyway.

5 years on its no problem. it just took talking it through. I might for instance decide I want to go to a London show. I’ll get tickets and he’ll get dinner (a reasonably priced one). If going abroad I might get flights and he’ll cover fuel to get there/insurance etc. Basically paying proportionately to income.

If you actually like the guy and want to stay with him then talk to him. Just because you earn different amounts does not mean you are incompatible. If he can can the male pride bullshit it’ll actually make it easier in later life should you have kids etc if he’s open to reducing his hours for childcare.

To be honest, the lack of ambition and motivation would put me off. I find ambition massively attractive in a man and let's face it - if he never gets off his arse to better himself you're never going to be able to live similar lifestyles. When I met my DP, he worked in customer services, he has since moved departments and is now a manager of a small team. I myself retrained to be a teacher and we now earn similar wages which mean we can enjoy the same kind of lifestyle and be level pegging with each other which is important to me. Maybe talk to him about his future aspirations, but give him a time limit personally (not to tell him this I mean) and if he doesn't do it, then I'd be letting the relationship go.

I’ve ended a relationship for similar reasons, although I couldn’t have been so eloquent about it at the time. My older DP was happy bumbling along and living in a bedsit and wouldn’t even consider getting a passport for us to go in holiday and visibly winced when I picked up a pair of shoes without really looking at the price and just got them. I think he’s still bumbling along but with a partner who he goes on holiday with and has moved in with. Maybe I was too ambitious for him rather than the other way around. Hey ho. I don’t think it’s a terrible reason to end a relationship 💐

The fact that he won’t let you pay for him is a positive sign, because it tells you that he has enough self-respect to not want to be a freeloader.

It still sounds like you may have grown apart. It’s unfortunate, but it happens to couples who meet at uni, then realise that as adults they have different priorities and want different things. A word of caution, however. Very ambitious, driven men who put their careers ahead of their families, friends, holidays and hobbies are not much fun to be married to, either...

Yes don't think about him you deserve better because money is so important in life.

Very few WOMEN of any age earn much more than £47k, perhaps 5%

Doesn't that rather prove my point by making it even more likely OP might find herself with someone (a man?) who earns more than her and might feel like her salary holds him back? For sure it's a good wage and well above average but there are still plenty of people who earn more than it.

If she would be understanding of someone dumping her and giving her the reason that she just wasn't earning enough or that 'only' earning 47k meant she wasn't ambitious enough for them, then she's good.

If, on the other hand, she would feel insulted by that then she might want to think about why it's ok one way round but not the other.

Ultimately I think you can dump someone for whatever reason you like because who wants to not-be-dumped just because the reason their partner doesn't want to be with them is stupid. Everyone deserves to be partnered with someone who is absolutely committed to them and so, in this case, to dump him may be a kindness.

But I'd caution against that youthful confidence that your earnings will only ever increase and that you will be protected from a lower income for the rest of your life. Things change so quickly for so many people.

I also know what it's like to grow up with not much money and find yourself earning what feels like a lot in your twenties. I've since seen enough of the world to see that it's not a lot. There are so many people out there with levels of money you cannot even imagine. Money to literally do what the fuck they like and never pay for it. They live in the kind of places that us normals never get to see or experience. They spend money without end. There are also millions of good people who earn a whole lot less than the OP. Ultimately, my experience has been that the better people are found at the lower salary end (this is not universally true, just a trend of people I have known and worked with).

I understand where you are coming from OP, as its the same situation with my OH and I.

The difference is, is that he is happy for us to do things. If its something expensive I want to do, while he admits it hurts his ego somewhat, he will let me pay. He will also pay for other treats he likes which are cheaper. We find a way to make it work.

For me, the lack of ambition would be a killer if he did not show motivation in other areas. My OH is u likely to earn much over the average UK wage (doesn't stretch to far in SE) however he is fantastic around the house domestically and for DIY. He isn't career orientated and that's fine, as my salary means we live a comfortable life regardless.

If his pride stops you from doing things you would like (that you would pay for, which is understanding of his situation) then I would agree it is tiresome. You want different things OP, and that's okay.

You are young. Be free and enjoy yourself. Find someone with the same outlook in life.

You don't 100% love him because if you did you'd be with him if he he earned nothing.

Money is the root of all evil.

Just saying.

If you're thinking of dumping him because of money, then you're not in love with him so you should end it. And I don't mean that in a judgemental way at all - he's just not for you. If he was, money wouldn't matter.

It sounds as if you are now resenting and then looking down on your boyfriend, with your three promotions, and, was it £47,000. (Not to mention living for free in someone else's house)

So time to move on, and meet someone with sufficient promotions , and money to give you the lifestyle you desire to become accustomed to.

Enjoy your spreadsheet life!

You can end a relationship for absolutely any reason! You’re already seriously thinking about it so regardless of how this thread goes the relationship may well be on its last legs. Sounds like you what a different lifestyle and he’s slid into eternal student mode. Have a flick through some of the relationships threads on here. There are incompatible people who’ve stuck it out as it wasn’t ‘bad enough’ and they’ve just made each other miserable.

Much harder to start over at 45 than 25. Nothing wrong with wanting some time being young free and single with the money to suit yourself.

If he earnt the same so you think he would go on all these adventures with you?

I very much doubt it

I think this is more about ambition and drive, not money.
If you’re not compatible in that area, you might find it difficult in the future if you want a family or want to get married and move house. He may stall and be more laid back than you, which is absolutely fine, but decide early on.

Meh he's only 25 he could have lots of earning potential in the future. Have you actually spoken about what you'd both like to do with your lives? He sounds like he has lots of other good qualities which quite frankly you can't buy with money!

It's actually 'the love of money is the root of all evil '

I get it OP and I think deep down it's not purely about the money. Is it like, "you don't let me pay for nicer things but you're not doing your darndest to improve your prospects either"...?

It's not solely lack of ambition. It's ok to want & appreciate reaching a financial position that gives you comfort, choices, enables you to make good financial decisions, plan for a good life later on etc. Being with someone who apparently doesn't value those things when you do is never going to work.

A friend & colleague had a similar position. He stuck out the relationship for years and years, he did love her, but their expectations out of life were just poles apart. A couple of years later he met a lovely girl who doesn't earn what he does, but is generally ambitious and in a solid career and has similar financial aims to him. They are really happy together.

It also seems like you have all this disposable income because you don't pay rent, if you had to start paying rent would you be able to live as lavish as you want to currently?

He doesn't freeload, He tries to live within his means
He's only 25 which is plenty of time for him to find the career salary he really wants. Money isn't everything. Have you spoken to him about what he wants to do with his life? I think you have already decided and are testing the water.

Yanbu at all. You are young find someone with the same values and life aspirations, otherwise you will have issues later down the line.

Find someone you are better suited to is my advice

I think you have already decided and are testing the water.

I agree but isn't that the point in dating y'know before you get serious/ move in/ have kids?

The bloke is on trial surely? Is he Mr right or not? And not is absolutely fine....