AIBU to dump bf as he doesn't earn enough

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I feel awful for considering it. 4 years ago I secured a place on a good graduate scheme and have since been promoted 3 times. I recently got a raise and now earn £47k. I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

I love my boyfriend but he has not committed himself to a career (something I'm finding more and more unattractive) and gets by on temping. We don't live together.

I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful of the fact that his lack of income is preventing us from experiencing some of the things my colleagues and their partners enjoy. There are plenty of times where I've fancied a night out and have had to settle for a cheap pizza in front of the tv. My bf will never let me pay for him.

I'm only going to be young once. But then again dumping him just because he doesn't earn enough makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU?

I don't obviously know the ins and outs of your relationship but I can categorically tell you that money cannot buy happiness.

I married a wealthy man who also turned out to be a total control freak and workaholic. We had holidays but they were bloody miserable because he would continue to work. I had a nice house but was ridiculously lonely. He never had time for his kids either. I divorced him (yay!)

Now with a man that earns less than a quarter of what ex did. Cheap holidays full of family time together and fun. Small house that is a home.

I wish I'd have chosen my fiancé first!

YANBU. I left a guy years ago for lots of reasons at the time l, but looking back I can see that his lack of self drive, ambition and aspirations was a massive part of it. Now my Dh has all those attributes (and a fab income) suits me perfectly. Whilst money doesn’t buy happiness it can certainly make life more comfortable and enjoyable. Don’t settle for something you’re not happy with, life’s too short.

You don’t sound like a bitch and neither does he come across as an arsehole. The fact that he doesn’t want you to pay for stuff for him indicates he’s not a money grabber but at the same time thats an issue itself because you can’t do what you want to, and afford to do. The frozen pizza thing is miserable.

He sounds like a good one overall though if he can change his mentality. If you’re ambitious and a go getter and he’s not but is amazing elsewhere it could work if he changed his mindset. It’s just a gender reversal thing and not unusual the other way round. He could be a great SAHP for instance. It doesn’t sound you would mind being the breadwinner and are complaining less about his lack of money and more so than that he won’t accept anything. I appreciate it’s more difficult for a man to do so compared to vice verse (due to societal stuff) but the dude either needs to swallow his pride or try to step up and earn more to be on a more even keel (difficult if you have a good profession and are on an upwards curve and he has no relevant qualifications to do so likewise).

It’s happened before with my mates. Girlfriend goes to uni, gets a good job and eyes widened to how their colleagues live and resent they can’t do similar. Felt sorry for my manual worker male friend who got dumped in that instance though (admittedly they probably weren’t compatible by then) because he subsidised her for 5 years doing his ‘low grade’ manual stuff only to be told see ya when she landed a good graduate job. I realise he’s not a hooker so shouldn’t be paid for his services but seemed a bit off

You’ve done well . He’s doing prob ok but not as good as u r .

You sound young so you are prob in the minority. He might pick up and end up doing better than you at some stage .

He sounds like he is sweet eg won’t let you pay for him . That’s lovely .

You sound like you are unhappy in the relationship though it feels to me that it would be more your loss than his !

The reason I say this is that I used to be in a similar. Situation where I was earning a lot more than the OH . But I always knew and believed that he would do something amazing with himself , he was bright etc . Of course in the early days I paid for more than my share .

Now ten years later the tables have turned and he earns more than I ever will. I’m proud but the main thing for me is that he is happy with what he does .

When you are young you are still growing , I wouldn’t be so harsh as to leave someone just because they don’t earn as much as me . You have to look past all that and see the character of the person and be able to envisage who they are in all aspects . A quality man comes in many forms , not just one who earns lots of money ...

I don’t think you love him , because if you did you wouldn’t care about the pizza nights in .

That’s the real reason you should leave him.

YANBU

Congrats on pay too at 25. That's awesome op! 👏🏼👏🏼

At 25 you should be experiencing life. Going out, travel, enjoying yourself. If sitting at home with pizza makes you happy then that's one thing, but clearly it doesn't. You're not a bitch or shallow because you want to leave the house and do things in your life! Christ.

At 25 I'd be thinking as well about where I was headed. Marriage? Do I want kids? How will they be supported? Will he be able to contribute?

I think it’s a legitimate incompatibility, like it would be if you were a keen outdoors-woman, and he was into chess. No different.

But I see another problem for you as a couple ahead (or the potential for one). You say he has ‘big business ideas’ and several of them?
Let me fast forward you a decade ahead on that one. Big dreams matched with not much ‘get up and go’ leads to a life where not only are you bringing in all the bacon, but you’re also expected to be his main cheerleader. Don’t underestimate how draining that can be. As scheme after scheme fails (or only succeeds 15%, which can be worse), you’ll be supporting him through gritted teeth. Add kids onto that and there’s potential for a lot of future resentment on your part.

Much better if he were happy and satisfied in his low-earning life, at least you might make a good team with him being a SAHP and you being freer to climb in your career.

Two big careers are increasingly unsustainable, from what I see in my circle. The fancy holidays don’t make up for the lack of quality family (& marriage) time.

A last note- what he does or doesn’t think about your breakup (assuming you do it) isn’t really your business. You’ll be getting on with your life. So what if he tells everyone it was about money and ambition? Think up a short sentence ‘we just weren’t compatible any more’, use it like a broken record until ‘everyone’ gets bored. If you do break up, leave this guilt/regret/responsibility behind with him. It’s an unecessary burden to take into your new future.

I agree you aren't compatible. You see earning lots of money as 'success' Others value other qualities, like loyalty, love, faithfulness, humour, caring, kindnes etc above material things and earning potential.
As you get older though, you may find you are not really fulfilled by those material external things.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it sounds like you have different life goals.

I agree you aren't compatible. You see earning lots of money as 'success' Others value other qualities, like loyalty, love, faithfulness, humour, caring, kindnes etc above material things and earning potential

Wow, that's totally bitchy. Who says she doesn't value those qualities, she clearly does. And she isn't saying she wants him to earn lots of money, she's saying she wants to go out and have fun, be with someone with drive and ambition, not sit home dreaming big and eating pizza whilst doing nothing about it.

No need to be bitchy about it.

Bin him quickly: you don't want a man who will drag you down. You're young and there are plenty of men out there: don't waste any more of your time on an inadequate one. Because if you stick with him, sooner or later, the resentment will really poison everything. You may come to despise him for being lazy and useless, and he may start complaining that you are materialistic and bossy - or he may decide that, actually, he's quite comfortable leeching off you while contributing very little.

Remember that, particularly when you are young, 'dick is abundant and of low value'. There is no need to hang on to an inadequate man for fear of being single, and it is entirely reasonable, healthy and normal to go through several partners before finding one to build a life with - if building a life as part of a couple is what you actually want. But this loser is already spoiling your fun by insisting that you live within his means.

@fortheloveofPete why would she? She couldn’t afford anything decent on her salary unless her parents give her a big deposit and even then she’ll be committed to paying s mortgage for god only knows how long. It’s nit like she has kids etc which would make moving unpleasant.

@OP if you aren’t happy then you’d better end it now rather than waiting and regretting not doing it sooner.

@Limensoda surely as she gets older she will want a family? It’s not like she earns enough to support a family on her own so it will only become more important that she finds someone who is also doing ok in life.

Another vote for dump. You are not compatible.

That said,

I know it's not megabucks but it gives me a good amount of disposable income as I don't pay rent due to living in a relatives investment property.

Very few people are in the happy position of earning £47k pa, let alone at age 25. And then when you throw the free living accommodation on top... 🤷‍♀️

You may very well find another go getter who more than matches your ambition and earning potential. But the chances of them also living gratis in a relative’s investment property must be very slim. That means they will almost certainly have higher outgoings than you and may have no more disposable cash than your current partner.

Of course you'll have more disposable income if you have a higher income and don't pay ANY rent.

I think you should split now while you're still young; for his sake. I think you actually want to be with someone rich and driven. Just be careful what you wish for.

OP you're not being unreasonable. Get rid of him and enjoy your life. The resentment will only grow otherwise.

Reminds me of a song -the person dumped ends up being a pop star or something ?!

Reminds me of a song -the person dumped ends up being a pop star or something ?!

Skater boy? 🛹 👦

Ah, takes me back... 😆

I've been in your situation. I come from a family where I worked hard to put myself through uni. Saved from a young age as my parents would never afford it. At 18 was going out with a guy from a well off family. Think exclusive boarding schools etc. Well, his family used to have a go at me for being a "professional student" - I did a five yr double degree, nothing at all professional about it! Despite his exclusive and very costly education (same for his sisters) he lacked drive and ambition. Worked in bars and hotels. We're nearly 30 years on. My salary is over 6 figures. A nostalgic Facebook stalk recently uncovered he's gone nowhere. Still working base level hospitality roles.

I initially thought you were being unreasonable - if you want money earn your own and don't rely on a man to do it for you. But reading your post, it's the disparity in income coupled with the lack of drive that has you questioning if you're on the same page. I didn't learn after the first. Dated more from the same mould. Yeah, they will sponge off you. I think you need to look at if you'll be happy with him to be in the same roles 20 years in the future. If not, you need to move on.

I don't think YABU OP. I think you could have worded your title better though

I think you have just outgrown him. He has no ambition. At 25, he should at least be working towards building a future career for himself in my opinion - even if he doesn't earn amazing money yet

Actually, that's a good point from @Skittlesandbeer
Big dreams matched with not much ‘get up and go’ leads to a life where not only are you bringing in all the bacon, but you’re also expected to be his main cheerleader.

Although I think 25 is a bit too young to tell his final outcome, I think that the nature of his ambitions will tell you a lot about the likely end result. Mainly, I would be very careful if it is anything remotely creative, artistic, musical or literary. There are countless threads on here from women who end up doing everything because their spouse's need for creative freedom means that they can neither earn a living nor undertake the work of family life.

There is nothing wrong with a creative job, but you can't expect someone else to pay the bills while you do it for pennies.

Wow, that's totally bitchy

@Bluntness100
It's not bitchy at all! They aren't compatible. Not everyone wants to be driven by ambition. Some are happy with less stress in that area. OP would not have mentioned earning more than he does if she wasn't bothered by him not earning enough money! She wants money so they can go out and have fun. You can have fun without much money.
Perhaps if he was more ambitious and made more money his time to enjoy the 'rewards' would be minimal and that would be a problem?
It's ok if OP wants what she does, so they are incompatible if he doesn't because he can't live his life on her expectations any more than she can on his.

If he’s right for you in every other way then I think you are BU.

He sounds lazy. Not just career wise, but tv and pizza? Ugh... There is plenty of cheap or even free entertainment.