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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to keep this baby

138 replies

CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 15:27

I have just found out that I'm pregnant, around 6 weeks by my reckoning, though I have a doctor's appointment this week to confirm.
The question is, should I keep it? I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, just some advice. Just being able to unload is good. And...am I being unreasonable..
The situation in short (hopefully) I've been with my boyfriend since last October - it's the real deal, we love each other, and it feels like a v healthy relationship, with openness and discussion of anything that's troubling us. I'm late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. This news - I was on contraceptive injection - has been an absolute shock to us. My instinct is that I want to keep it. Also, I had an abortion early last year, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I still think about it, and the the thought of having another terrifies me. However, my bf feels like now is not the time for us to be the best parents we can be - we don't live together yet, he doesn't feel ready and is currently finishing a very demanding PhD. I just got a new job which I love a couple of months ago. I think both of us feel like we haven't had enough fun as a couple yet - I mean, just being able to go away on holiday together, make more friends, socialise with our current ones (although tbh, the majority of his friends actually have kids). I hear his fears, they are totally legitimate. And I fear that I could damage our relationship greatly by saying that I want to go ahead with the pregnancy if he is not on board. (He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)
Oh, I'm so confused. And I'm scared on the other hand that I might go ahead with an abortion because I know that's what my bf ultimately wants. Although to be fair, he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby. When I'm not sure I totally am!
If anyone's been in this situation, please let me know. And would I be unreasonable to go with my gut (ugh, dislike that expression but oh well) and keep the baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 15:28

Oh, and I meant to say - my abortion last year was with a father who I didn't even particularly like, and I am certain it was the right decision.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/08/2019 15:31

If you want to keep the baby then keep the baby but being aware you will probably be doing it alone. If you terminate to keep your boyfriend happy then your relationship won't survive anyway as you will be resentful, and if you have the baby and he's not totally onboard then he may be resentful. Maybe he will come round but maybe he won't, you've not been together five minutes so it's hardly ideal but yeah as long as you know you can give your child a good life bringing him/her up on your own then have the baby.

Mishappening · 13/08/2019 15:31

You have aborted one baby and regretted it; it is likely you would feel the same if you did it again.

escapade1234 · 13/08/2019 15:31

he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby

It’s not his place to make any decisions about your body actually, set in stone or open to discussion. The onus is not on you to do anything except decide for yourself if you want to keep this baby, with or without him.

ElizaPancakes · 13/08/2019 15:33

Honestly it sounds like you don’t actually want to? Which is totally fine, and your reasoning is sound.

I can’t tell you what I would do as I’ve not been in your situation but it sounds like your worries are mainly around if you keep it - he might leave you; if you don’t keep it - might leave you. Either way, if that happens you’re not meant to be, but one way you’ll be tied for life.

GoJetterGirl · 13/08/2019 15:34

First off OP, to fall pregnant twice within the same year is not a good thing, there is something which clearly isn’t working for you contraceptive wise, (unless I have totally misread, and there were other factors at play with the other father.)

You need a full and frank discussion with how this will affect you as a couple and you as a person, all the hard work at this stage is on you- pregnancy, childbirth, feeding, whether you return to the job you love or opt out of your career to raise the baby, will he move in and support you and the baby financially and emotionally or will he look at the situation as it being your choice your problem? Only you know this, not is.

ElizaPancakes · 13/08/2019 15:36

In what way was your previous abortion traumatic if you’re 100% certain it was the right decision?

NoSauce · 13/08/2019 15:39

I can’t tell you to terminate even if it seems like it would be the wisest choice ( to me as a bystander) because this is your life.

If you keep it, it might be the best decision you’ve ever made, your bf might turn out to be an amazing dad who fits into the role with ease who doesn’t regret having his life turned upside down or it might be a huge mistake for him.

You’ve got to do what YOU want and that mean you’re a single parent at some point because it doesn’t work out but at least you will have made that decision and nobody else.

HavelockVetinari · 13/08/2019 15:42

In what way was your previous abortion traumatic if you’re 100% certain it was the right decision?

Hmm

Erm, because she ended a potential baby's life? Even if you know it's the right thing, it's still absolutely normal to mourn the child that might have been.

MangoFeverDream · 13/08/2019 15:44

In what way was your previous abortion traumatic if you’re 100% certain it was the right decision?

Not to speak for OP but even the right decision can come with regret and sadness. Just because it’s the right thing to do doesn’t make it any less painful. This holds for so many things in life

GibbonLover · 13/08/2019 15:46

It's also completely normal NOT to mourn and NOT to see it as 'a potential baby's life'.

The actual process of abortion can be traumatic in that you have to pass the product of conception if you take the pills and I don't need to spell out how painful an 'awake' surgical can be.

MangoFeverDream · 13/08/2019 15:46

But OP you should make this decision with your own situation in mind, not your boyfriend or your relationship. Could you do this alone?

ElizaPancakes · 13/08/2019 15:48

Thanks @HavelockVetinari but I was asking for clarification from the OP, so your guess is as good as mine Hmm

Maybe that pregnancy was a result of rape or OP has a phobia of needles.

Sorry to discuss you as if you’re not here @CassandrasCastle. I was asking because some Mumsnetters might be able to offer coping strategies if the trauma was medically induced rather than emotional.

JupiterBelle · 13/08/2019 15:48

No one can tell you what’s right or wrong but you said your instinct is to keep it. It sounds like you don’t want an abortion and would only do it for your boyfriend. Based on that I would say keep it.

PooWillyBumBum · 13/08/2019 15:48

Oh OP, I’ve been there. Regretted an abortion that was 100% the right thing and now pregnant again - on contraception - and couldn’t bear the idea of another. It was a lot easier to make a decision as DH wants the child but I feel for you and completely understand the seemingly illogical regret and hurt.

You absolutely need to take your partner out of the equation in this decision. Assume you’ll be alone regardless and go from there. If he will be around then that’s a bonus.

Friends of ours got pregnant in similar circumstances - very early on, both still in house shares in London and not expecting to be parents - and stayed living apart at first. Now they’re very happily together with baby, it just took him some time to come round. This isn’t to say your DP will be the same but I think their choice not to rush or force the relationship on account of the baby was really wise.

Chocolatehamper · 13/08/2019 15:48

You say you knew the father of your first pregnancy was wrong and you made the correct decision yet you regret it.

You then say that your current boyfriend/relationship is good, you love each other and things are going well... how would you feel if you aborted this one too and later married or committed to each other long term?

If you still regret the decision to abort the child of a partner who you feel wasn't good, how would aborting a child of a long term partner and possibly having another child with him, affect you?

There is never an ideal time to have a child - if you abort it, will you resent your partner and if you don't, will he resent you? You both need to sit down and discuss your relationship, where it's going and how you see things developing. A child won't hold you back, it might change the dynamic but you're both mature adults and should be able to change!

Good luck with whatever decision you make Thanks

TORDEVAN · 13/08/2019 15:48

I don't have any advice for your specific situation. My DH and I knew we'd like babies but we never had the right moment, Life events delayed the decision, then I just felt I wasn't ready for a baby.
But, I had a suprise pregnancy and despite how I didnt feel ready at all I think it's gone really well. I won't lie, it's been overwhelming at times (I have a human who relies on me for care completely!) but it's without a doubt the most amazing thing I've done (and after that I did it again on purpose 😁 and it's equally overwhelming and amazing again).

Make sure you make the best decision for you (not him!) Xxxx

Puddingmama2017 · 13/08/2019 15:51

I had a termination before going on to have my last little boy.

It was 100% the right decision and my decision was supported by my GP.

It was without a shadow of a doubt the most haunting experience of my life and even now 3 years on getting my period can be triggering. It was traumatic for me waking up with tears already on my face and seeing my face reflected in the lady next to me. I miss that baby, like an ache that never goes. It claws at my chest.

It was the right decision, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatic.

Puddingmama2017 · 13/08/2019 15:53

Sorry OP, I just felt that a certain poster needed to be aware of how it can be.

I have no advice but wish you nothing but happiness whatever choice you make. x

Jellybeansincognito · 13/08/2019 15:53

In what way is this the real deal? You haven’t even been together a year yet? You’re still very much in the honeymoon phase of your relationship where full colours haven’t particularly shined through yet. Especially with not living together.

I don’t want to be rude saying that, at all. But yeah, you don’t really know each other yet. It’s hard on couples who have been together a long time, never mind the phase of relationship you’re in.

I guess you both need to be on board, if he isn’t (doesn’t sound so) I think it would be unfair to go ahead, especially with the way your post is written at finding reasons to keep it- If you reallt wanted it you wouldn’t have to.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 13/08/2019 15:54

Does he know you terminated a previous pregnancuy?

And I am coming from a place of kindness here - please sort out your contraceptive choices. This repeated scenario cant be good for your MH

GoGoGoGoGo · 13/08/2019 15:54

GPS don’t tend to confirm pregnancies these days. Although as you’ve been on the injection do you have periods?

I think if you want to keep it you have to be prepared to do it alone.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 13/08/2019 15:58

How is that helpful puddingmama stop with your emotive language,

Armadillostoes · 13/08/2019 16:00

OP-If you want this baby you have every right to keep it without justifying that decision to anyone.

AngelasAshes · 13/08/2019 16:02

Deciding to be a parent is scary and most people fear they are not ready.
I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to keep the baby. You can make things work.

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