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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to keep this baby

138 replies

CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 15:27

I have just found out that I'm pregnant, around 6 weeks by my reckoning, though I have a doctor's appointment this week to confirm.
The question is, should I keep it? I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, just some advice. Just being able to unload is good. And...am I being unreasonable..
The situation in short (hopefully) I've been with my boyfriend since last October - it's the real deal, we love each other, and it feels like a v healthy relationship, with openness and discussion of anything that's troubling us. I'm late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. This news - I was on contraceptive injection - has been an absolute shock to us. My instinct is that I want to keep it. Also, I had an abortion early last year, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I still think about it, and the the thought of having another terrifies me. However, my bf feels like now is not the time for us to be the best parents we can be - we don't live together yet, he doesn't feel ready and is currently finishing a very demanding PhD. I just got a new job which I love a couple of months ago. I think both of us feel like we haven't had enough fun as a couple yet - I mean, just being able to go away on holiday together, make more friends, socialise with our current ones (although tbh, the majority of his friends actually have kids). I hear his fears, they are totally legitimate. And I fear that I could damage our relationship greatly by saying that I want to go ahead with the pregnancy if he is not on board. (He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)
Oh, I'm so confused. And I'm scared on the other hand that I might go ahead with an abortion because I know that's what my bf ultimately wants. Although to be fair, he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby. When I'm not sure I totally am!
If anyone's been in this situation, please let me know. And would I be unreasonable to go with my gut (ugh, dislike that expression but oh well) and keep the baby?

OP posts:
TumblingTumbleWeeds · 13/08/2019 18:02

(He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)

For goodness sake have this baby. It'll probably end up as his best friend. Decades ago I knew immediately after sex we'd made a baby (I don't know how) and told my husband. He didn't like children and was telling me, "Do something quick! Flush it". He didn't like children, but I knew he didn't realise how you feel about other people's children is not the same way as you feel about your own. We were in our mid-30's.

My husband was uninterested in my pregnancy but did show a slight curiosity in the scan where he saw his baby sucking his thumb. When his son was born everything changed. He wept like a baby and insisted on carrying him to the NICU. Our son is a man now and they work together everyday. He wanted me to have more but sadly I couldn't conceive again.

GoGoGoGoGo · 13/08/2019 18:07

The GP won’t do a blood test just because you’ve had a positive test. They don’t even re-test in lots of areas. They take your word for it. In fact most of the time they just tell you to book yourself in with the midwife.

Just a thought but start taking folic acid if you’re going to keep the baby.

Nonnymum · 13/08/2019 18:12

You are not being unreasonable to keep then baby. It sounds as though you want to but only you really know how you feel. Don't terminate just because your boyfriend wants you to. You will only end up resenting him and your relationship will probably end anyway. Think about what you want to do.
For what it's worth I don't think there is ever a perfect time to have a child.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

PriestessModwena · 13/08/2019 18:13

Why does he want to come to the appointment with you?

If you've got a positive test, maybe 2 or more, then they take that as verbatim and book you in with the MW, unless you say you want to proceed otherwise.

I'm in the group of there's never a good time.

When I had my injection it said it's 91% successful. So it's always a possibility as with any contraception.

I don't think anyone can really say, if you keep baby, you'll be raising it yourself. That's not really how it works.

nowayhose · 13/08/2019 18:15

No-one knows what will happen in the future, and some decisions are very difficult.

The way I try to make sense of how I feel is to ask myself

' when I'm 85 yrs old and looking back on my life, will I regret making that decision?'

It's not how everyone will weigh things up, but it's always helped me.

Best of luck xx

GibbonLover · 13/08/2019 18:19

Tumbling I hate to break it to you but your DH is not representative of every single man ever. There is no guarantee that the child will be his 'best friend'. There is no guarantee that he will suddenly change his mind once it arrives. Of course it would be fantastic if there WAS a guarantee. But to blindly assume 'Oh, he'll change his mind when he sees it' is misguided at best.

mordecaithomas · 13/08/2019 18:21

Shouldn't this be put into pregnancy choices? Could come across as upsetting for certain people.

tomatostottie · 13/08/2019 18:27

Go to the appointment on your own. Just book it and go and don't tell him .This means you can discuss whatever you want with GP in confidence without someone breathing down your neck.
If you decide to keep the baby and he gets on board with it, there will be plenty of appointments he can go to with you.

Onetwistedsista · 13/08/2019 18:29

@Puddingmama2017 and OP .Had the same experience, not a day goes by that i don't think of my baby that could have been, however now i have a beautiful , healthy son under difficult circumstances. Personal life is a mess but when my son smiles at me all is right in the world:) sounds like you wanna keep him/her OP. Good luck to you

user1493494961 · 13/08/2019 18:30

I think you'll be doing this on your own.

ChocolateCakeAndRainbows · 13/08/2019 18:34

Never abort a baby to please a man. What do you want? You've regretted doing ut recently and you say you k ow it was the right decision?

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 18:36

Gosh, how helpful user Cake

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 18:37

I think he wants to go to the appointment because he's worried about me and wants me to know that he is involved

OP posts:
JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 18:39

The GP has no cause to do a test if you have a home pregnancy test positive. Home tears are so reliable these days they just don’t need doubling up on by a doctor. They take your word for it.

SunshineCake · 13/08/2019 18:40

But what about the child's right and need to have a father ?

KisstheTeapot14 · 13/08/2019 18:41

Still not sure why a GP? Have you done a few tests to make sure?

If so, counselling may be better - otherwise GP will just refer you to midwife service?

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 18:42

So what am I actually going to the GP for Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 18:42

I just thought it was the right thing to do!

OP posts:
KisstheTeapot14 · 13/08/2019 18:44

Yes, ideally a child should have a relationship to a father. Think we're jumping the gun a bit here. There are many things we could argue children have needs and rights for. Its a messy old world and ideal scenarios are like hens teeth.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/08/2019 18:46

Well, if you’re considering termination they’ll put you in touch with the relevant services. If not they’ll get you referred into maternity services and advise you to take folic acid. That’s pretty much it unless you have additional health issues that might complicate a pregnancy.

Don’t feel silly for thinking you go for a test though, there seems to be some confusion as a lot of posters on MN talk about going to the GP ‘to get it confirmed’, which is only really appropriate if you’re having multiple tests that say different things. Even then, you’re better off waiting a week and re testing and then going if it’s still inconclusive.

nowayhose · 13/08/2019 18:47

You're going to the GP to tell them you are pregnant. They need to know so you can discuss whether or not you want the baby and so you can be prescribed Folic Acid and be referred on to the midwives who would look after you through your pregnancy

catmg · 13/08/2019 18:47

You've regretted the termination you had previously and your gut tells you that you want this baby.
There is never a right time to have a baby. Even when my pregnancy was planned I still had a major panic when I found out and many of the same doubts you are having about readiness. Nobody is ever '"ready," and yes being a mum is hard and a single mum even harder but it is crazy to wait until you feel ready or the circumstances are ideal because they never are for anyone!

ShirleyPhallus · 13/08/2019 18:48

Jesus there are some horrible posts on this thread

OP, these days you self-refer to the midwife. My doctor wanted to me to attend a GP appt just so they can add it to their notes but it isn’t the same everywhere.

You can go on the NHS website / google maternity units and then refer there. You’ll then be written to from there with an appt with the midwife.

Loads of luck with what you decide. FWIW it’s entirely possible for you to make this work and there’s never an easy time to have a baby.

KisstheTeapot14 · 13/08/2019 18:49

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/nhs-pregnancy-journey/

You can see a GP or midwife to begin the process of antenatal care.

You could see a GP to discuss options, but what is it that you want from the appointment?

DamnitCharlie · 13/08/2019 18:52

I had an unexpected pregnancy and didn't feel ready but I think I could've always found a reason not to be ready.
Having a child can be one of the most amazing things to do in life or it can be one of the worst and if you don't really want a child you may resent them for the rest of your/ their life and no child deserves to feel unwanted or resented (my mum constantly told my siblings and I how we ruined her life - not fun at all).

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