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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to keep this baby

138 replies

CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 15:27

I have just found out that I'm pregnant, around 6 weeks by my reckoning, though I have a doctor's appointment this week to confirm.
The question is, should I keep it? I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, just some advice. Just being able to unload is good. And...am I being unreasonable..
The situation in short (hopefully) I've been with my boyfriend since last October - it's the real deal, we love each other, and it feels like a v healthy relationship, with openness and discussion of anything that's troubling us. I'm late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. This news - I was on contraceptive injection - has been an absolute shock to us. My instinct is that I want to keep it. Also, I had an abortion early last year, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I still think about it, and the the thought of having another terrifies me. However, my bf feels like now is not the time for us to be the best parents we can be - we don't live together yet, he doesn't feel ready and is currently finishing a very demanding PhD. I just got a new job which I love a couple of months ago. I think both of us feel like we haven't had enough fun as a couple yet - I mean, just being able to go away on holiday together, make more friends, socialise with our current ones (although tbh, the majority of his friends actually have kids). I hear his fears, they are totally legitimate. And I fear that I could damage our relationship greatly by saying that I want to go ahead with the pregnancy if he is not on board. (He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)
Oh, I'm so confused. And I'm scared on the other hand that I might go ahead with an abortion because I know that's what my bf ultimately wants. Although to be fair, he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby. When I'm not sure I totally am!
If anyone's been in this situation, please let me know. And would I be unreasonable to go with my gut (ugh, dislike that expression but oh well) and keep the baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 16:06

I know that my last abortion was the right thing to do, but I still feel pain and anguish when i think about it. There was all sorts going on - they left the monitor on when they scanned me, so I could see 'it', I had so much pain with the medically induced miscarriage, and I unfortunately did view it as the ending of my potential child's life. I still look at my nephews and nieces and think 'your cousin who might have been is dead'. Probably sounds v over dramatic, and I speak only for myself, but it's been really painful

OP posts:
IAintWroteNoPoetry · 13/08/2019 16:07

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to keep this baby at all. This is your decision, no one elses

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 16:07

I also love my boyfriend very much. I don't feel I've only known him '5 minutes'.

OP posts:
Shortstuff99 · 13/08/2019 16:07

I have old fashioned views that aren’t popular on here but I think it’s better to have a baby as a stable couple. It’s very hard work and it’s a beautiful thing to share and it’s easier when your with someone who you work with well as a team

HOWEVER it’s a huge thing to terminate. It’s another thing if there are health complications.

What I would say is to willingly enter into being a single parent lifestyle is a big deal as it will define your life choices substantially more so than if you’re part of a couple

I’d like to think if I was the man in the situation I’d step up and take responsibility and work hard at the relationship too to give the baby a stable home and upbringing

Good luck whatever you do and bye that’s very bad luck on getting pregnant after the injection.

NKFell · 13/08/2019 16:11

You need to work out what's best for you personally, it is not your boyfriend's decision.

Terminations will always be difficult even when the right thing to do. That makes a you a normal human being!

There's not wrong answer, you just need to do what's best for you.

Teacakeandalatte · 13/08/2019 16:11

Don't base this decision on a million what if scenarios you might be able to dream up, no-one can predict the future. Deep down you know what you want in your heart and that is what you should go with and never regret.

ombre123 · 13/08/2019 16:11

Agree with PP regarding irresponsibility around begetting pregnant twice and being in the position of of considering an abortion for a second time (sorry, will get my judgey pants off now.)
There really never is a "good" time to have a baby. If you really want this then go for it, good luck OP x

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 16:13

Sorry, what irresponsibility?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2019 16:13

I think the first thing you need to decide is not simply 'do I want to keep the baby', but more importantly am I emotionally prepared to keep and raise the baby 100% on my own. When a man says "Well I don't want to, but if you do....." they are normally saying it with one foot already out the door. It's a statement that shows that they have no real commitment to the child. To you maybe, but not the child. So decide that first.

If you decide that you are ready to raise this child completely on your own if need be, then ask if you are financially able to do so, alone. Because no one can depend 100% on a man paying maintenance. MN is full of threads on men who were considered by their wives/partners to be committed and loving fathers and who, once the marriage/relationship was over, decided that they really don't need to pay for their children, or only want to pay a pittance. And these are often men who wanted the children in the first place!

If you decide that you are NOT able to do either of these (because you have to be prepared to do both) and given the way you feel about another termination (and I respect your feelings) then your only option would be to give the child up for adoption. And that's a whole other set of feelings and decisions!

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 13/08/2019 16:13

Try to make your decision with the knowledge that you may end up going it alone. Hopefully your boyfriend will step up and come round to the idea, but you must make your decision on the basis that you could end up being a single parent.

dontdance · 13/08/2019 16:14

Hmmm, I feel for you OP, here's the factors I would think of:

  1. Could you continue in a relationship knowing you had had an abortion. I don't know anyone who has managed this successfully as it's such a big decision and has such a lasting impact (especially feelings which can be buried until you have kids),
  1. I have three kids in quick succession (older mum). A number of my friends chose or for other reasons only had one, or had one and then a large gap before another. Baring the initial phase when your knackered and getting used to being parents, it's pretty easy to maintain a pretty similar lifestyle, especially when they start getting free childcare.

I know two couples, still together, and each with a couple of kids, who got pregnant unexpectedly and early in their relationship (one who got pregnant within weeks but didn't find out until he was 25 weeks), it was tough but it worked.

More generally, having put off having my first kid until 37 I can assure you there is no "right" time to have kids. I will still be paying my mortgage and putting kids through er education in my 60's and despite my best plans my last maternity leave has been a wrecking ball to my career. I contrast one of my friends who had her kids in her late twenties and who will be mortgage and kid free in her 50's. (And have the resources to enjoy it).

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 16:14

First off OP, to fall pregnant twice within the same year is not a good thing, there is something which clearly isn’t working for you contraceptive wise, (unless I have totally misread, and there were other factors at play with the other father.)

^^ THIS

Original poster
CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 16:14

The contraceptive injection is 99% effective. And I don't really want to go into what happened last time, but it wasn't nice - and I will do my absolute best to never let my MH get into such a state that it happens again.

OP posts:
Croquembou · 13/08/2019 16:18

1. Could you continue in a relationship knowing you had had an abortion. I don't know anyone who has managed this successfully as it's such a big decision and has such a lasting impact

I would second this. There's nothing quite like an abortion to take the spark out of a relationship. I would base your decision much more on do you want a baby and can you emotionally, financially etc etc. have a child than whether your relationship will survive.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 13/08/2019 16:19

If you want this baby, you have it. You are working so will be entitled to maternity pay, I'm sure you can work something out financially until your boyfriend can get a job.

As for your bf doing a PhD, I've had 2 children doing a PhD. I have managed to juggle doing 90% of childcare too, he won't be taking time off to look after the child so I fail to see his reasoning? He'll just be working full on like pretty much any other father that works long hours. My husband career changed the week we had our second child to a very demanding career. Having a newborn and a toddler didn't hold him back, it might have been tough having disturbed sleep but I don't think that should be a reason not to have the baby, everyone has to work. It does sound like your bf is making excuses so you won't keep the baby.

Given your ages and circumstances, I'd keep it but I'd also be prepared to potentially have to go it alone. Strangers on the internet can only tell you what THEY think, only you can decide. Good luck whatever decision you make.

HeyThereSummerRain · 13/08/2019 16:22

Having a baby is like putting a bomb into a relationship. Even the best relationships have issues when there is a child who disrupts sleep, life, empties your pockets of money etc.

The fact that you haven't lived together yet nor seen a full year together would worry me if you were my daughter. You haven't been together 24/7, sorted out who is responsible for what household chores etc how messy or tidy each person is. My own Mum said she would have had second thoughts about marrying my Dad if she had lived with him before the wedding (Catholics 1960s.)

I would be looking at this from a lone parent point of view, many men walk away from babies, hell even children they have raised for the last 10 years, you only have to look at the relationships board etc to see this.

So if you are going ahead with the pregnancy then be prepared to raise the baby alone. Look into your work place maternity pay, look into the unbelievable cost of childcare and the cost of basic items for the baby. Weigh all these things up.

TatianaLarina · 13/08/2019 16:23

I think you have to be realistic that, given his attitude, he may well not stick around. If you feel you can cope with being a single mother then go for it.

It’s totally understandable that you don’t want another abortion. He will have to come to terms with that eventually. You don’t have the free choice that he does.

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 16:25

It’s your choice and nobody else’s. You sound like you want this baby so you should do what is best for you.
I have been through an abortion too and I know the feelings of trauma you’re talking about. It never leaves you. When I became with my daughter, my life still wasn’t perfect but I could not even contemplate having an abortion.
I don’t judge anyone for having them, but for me it will never be an option ever again.

Don’t let him pressure you in to anything. It’s your body, your life and your choice. Flowers Good luck op. xx

billy1966 · 13/08/2019 16:25

OP, you are in a very new relationship so I don't think it's unreasonable at all to want to be a couple of years down the line before you got to this place.

I am not religious in any way, but I do think being married in a stable relationship, is the optimum situation, for mother and baby primarily. In terms of support and financial security.

Even though this is a very emotive time for you, I think you need to think of the practicalities of having a baby, AND despite what your boyfriend tells you, doing it alone.

I have the greatest admiration for lone parents... without a doubt, one of the toughest jobs out there.

My husband traveled a lot at one point and whilst I wasn't a lone parent in any real sense of the word, I was on my own with our children a lot. I found it absolutely shattering.

It only increased my respect for parents, doing it all, all the time, on their own.

Think very, very hard about your future and what you want it to look like.

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/08/2019 16:26

I think.you have to separate your relationship from the pregnancy.

I think which ever decision you chose will put your relationship at risk.

It could survive or it might not.

What you.have to.base your decision on is whether you want to be pregnant and have a baby or not.

It sounds like you want to keep this child. So I would not have an abortion.

If this relationship is the real deal then it is going to survive. Otherwise it might be a quick way to find out now

No one is the perfect parent and waiting until you are going to be perfect might be never

brightfutureahead · 13/08/2019 16:26

*became pregnant with my daughter

SinkGirl · 13/08/2019 16:26

Agree with PP regarding irresponsibility around begetting pregnant twice and being in the position of of considering an abortion for a second time (sorry, will get my judgey pants off now.)

SHE IS ON DEPO PROVERA. Says so in the first post. One of the most effective forms of contraception. She hasn’t done anything wrong, FFS.

Shortstuff99 · 13/08/2019 16:29

If you want this baby, you have it

Irresponsible in my opinion. It’s not just about what you what.

what about what is best for the child, maybe better being brought up by 2 parents who can share the work and the experience in a happy and financially secure household.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/08/2019 16:30

Children are for life, you’ve been with this man for 10 months and you don’t live with him.

‘I also love my boyfriend very much. I don't feel I've only known him '5 minutes’ - come on, we’re all adults, I wasn’t questioning your feelings, more so the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship. You only love what you see and right now, it’s not a great deal.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/08/2019 16:30

I think you already know that you want the baby, you just need to figure out if you will be doing it alone. It sounds like another termination would be traumatic for you, and would probably mean the end of your relationship in any case.