WIBU to keep this baby

[CassandrasCastle]

I have just found out that I'm pregnant, around 6 weeks by my reckoning, though I have a doctor's appointment this week to confirm.
The question is, should I keep it? I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, just some advice. Just being able to unload is good. And...am I being unreasonable..
The situation in short (hopefully) I've been with my boyfriend since last October - it's the real deal, we love each other, and it feels like a v healthy relationship, with openness and discussion of anything that's troubling us. I'm late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. This news - I was on contraceptive injection - has been an absolute shock to us. My instinct is that I want to keep it. Also, I had an abortion early last year, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I still think about it, and the the thought of having another terrifies me. However, my bf feels like now is not the time for us to be the best parents we can be - we don't live together yet, he doesn't feel ready and is currently finishing a very demanding PhD. I just got a new job which I love a couple of months ago. I think both of us feel like we haven't had enough fun as a couple yet - I mean, just being able to go away on holiday together, make more friends, socialise with our current ones (although tbh, the majority of his friends actually have kids). I hear his fears, they are totally legitimate. And I fear that I could damage our relationship greatly by saying that I want to go ahead with the pregnancy if he is not on board. (He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)
Oh, I'm so confused. And I'm scared on the other hand that I might go ahead with an abortion because I know that's what my bf ultimately wants. Although to be fair, he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby. When I'm not sure I totally am!
If anyone's been in this situation, please let me know. And would I be unreasonable to go with my gut (ugh, dislike that expression but oh well) and keep the baby?

of course yanbu wanting to keep the baby. it sounds like you want to and therefore should... especially given how painful (emtionally) it was for you last time.

I think you should do what you want to do, never mind him.If you want to keep your baby then do so.

Theres no need to give a baby up for adoption in this day and age if you don't want to. The state does provide a basic level of support if you are unwaged or very low waged.

OP, I think a better question to ask yourself than ‘do I want this baby?’ is ‘am I in the position to be able to offer a baby a good life and provide for them, on my own if necessary?’ Not just able your own and your boyfriend’s feelings but the impact on the potential child and the situation you’d be bringing them into. What do you think? Would you have been happy to have been born to you and him as parents in your current situation re jobs, finances, support etc?

Terminations will always be difficult even when the right thing to do. That makes a you a normal human being!

Sorry but this is nonsense. They’re not always difficult, far from it. Do some research and you’ll find plenty of women who took it as a simple medical procedure and felt just fine about it. And there’s absolutely nothing abnormal about that. It’s okay not to use such emotive language around abortion as if all women ‘struggle’ with the decision ‘forever’.

My instinct is that I want to keep it.

In which case, start thinking about how you would provide for the baby.
Think about the worst case scenario - boyfriend decides he does not want a baby and decides to end the relationship. What would you do in this case? How do things play out financially? Would you be able to manage on your own?

If your gut is telling you that you want this baby, go with it. You obviously want to have children at some point. What if you were to abort this child and then in 3 or 4 years decide the time was right to have a baby and were unable to conceive or carry the baby to term?

If your boyfriend isn't onboard with it, that's unfortunate.

It’s your body. Not terminating may be the end to your relationship but it sounds like terminating probably will be as you seem to want the baby.

It is your body and only you can make the decision. It is not up to you to prove to your dp that you are ready to be a parent. The only people, who have the authority to do this are people like judges and social workers.

You are still in the honeymoon period even if you don’t feel it right now. You are right to question the future. Having a child as someone upthread said does put a bomb in a relationship.

to all who had a termination and mourn the loss of what might have been.

Personally it is not something I could ever do. My mother tried to make me abort my first child as I was a single mother, and yes, in a logical sensible way it would have been the best thing. But I couldn't.

You have to follow your own instincts and desires OP, not be dictated to or persuaded by anyone else. No one at all has the right to tell you what to do with your own body. To be harsh, if your partner is unhappy and threatens to leave if you proceed with the pregnancy then it tells you a lot more about him that it does about you.

I understand that you feel you may be losing a lot of fun and experiences by having a baby now; but that isn't necessarily true. There are ways around things that you really couldn't do/go to with a baby. Plus there are a whole lot of new and different experiences for you.

When I read this back it seems as if I am trying to persuade you to go ahead with the pg. Honestly, I am not. Simply trying to list the pros and cons. You must do whatever you feel is best for you.

Wishing you strength to make a difficult decision.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock We disagree, get over it.

I think you already know what you want to do. I want to reinforce other people's posts that, much as toy nay take into account your partner's wishes, it is your body therefore your choice.

As others have said, keep in mind that he may or may not stick around.

Best of luck!

I've been in a similar situation - but also very different. I knew my relationship with my boyfriend was on its last legs (18 months in) when I found out I was pregnant. So I knew from the outset that I would most likely be a lone parent. And I was for 4 years when I married my now dh. I'll be honest and say I had no idea how hard it would be to be a parent alone. We split up when my son was 3 months old. I went back to work full-time and it was really hard. His father has always been present - though that has been a mixed blessing. I was a bit older than you - 33 - and owned my own home so had reasonable stability. I think you have to be driven by what is most important for you right now. Like another poster has said, either decision may cause the end of your relationship due to resentment; but conversely either decision may allow it to continue. I wish you the best with your decision. There's no obvious answer.

NKFell I mean, it’s less about us disagreeing and more about you clearly wilfully ignoring the voices of many women who’ve been through terminations, but okay go ahead.

NKFell
I would disagree with you there. I had ivf to have dd so never had one. But I frequent Mumsnet a lot and have both read accounts and spoken to a few women about their terminations. Some women are pretty matter of fact about what I would feel is a massive deal. I find this very strange and accept we are all different. Idk the percentage obviously. But there are women out there, who are ok with their choice. Counselling is offered obvs.

If he wants to work in academia there will never be a good time, there will be short term contracts, funding bids, papers to write etc. being at the end of a PhD is as good a time as any.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock aye, you're not emotive at all. I think walking into a termination going "nah it's a piece of piss this, like getting my nails done" isn't a normal human reaction. I know someone who wasn't heartbroken because it was completely the right thing, but it was still a difficult time in the waiting room. It's OK to disagree, and to @Mummyoflittledragon again, it's fine to disagree.

The only thing I would want to think about is how long you would think of waiting . Your fertility will start to decrease in the late twenties , early thirties , if you did terminate a pregnancy that you are in two minds about , would you have regrets if you found it difficult to get pregnant later on .

If you've done a pregnancy test then a GP won't normally confirm it - if you do decide to go for an abortion the clinic will do a scan to confirm gestation as to what treatment you need

Personally I would say think about how would you feel if the relationship ended and you continued the pregnancy as well as if you termination. Also if the relationship continues how would you feel with both options?

When I had an unplanned pregnancy it was different in that we were in a long term relationship - but it did test us and I know he was on the termination side more than I was. In the end I realised I could live without him but I'd have to live with the decision I'd made regardless and I couldn't go through with it (I did have the first appointment where I was scanned etc but didn't go back for the tablets) - our relationship did last and he doesn't treat the youngest any differently from the older ones

Sounds like a tough situation OP - and one that involves you making a big decision.

I had a termination about 17 years ago and even now I’m haunted by thoughts of whether morally it was the right thing. I know having the baby would have been completely the wrong path to take and so the termination was ‘right’ in that sense, but I have never truly got over it.

In your situation I think you need to have further talks with your partner but ultimately the decision is yours. The big question is, do you think you can do it alone if you have to?

NKFell
Yes it’s fine to disagree. However you’re denying others experiences or at least as they recount it to the rest of the world. Dh used to be friends with a woman, who had 3 abortions. The first 2 with her ex. The next with her husband. She then went on to have a child with him about a year later. Just wasn’t the right time apparently. No regrets. Totally fine with terminating. I was gobsmacked. I get the first two. But the latter and then to go on to have 2 kids shortly after. It makes no sense. That would haunt me. If you think that woman had regrets you are wrong. She didn’t have the capacity perhaps.

I feel for you OP, a very difficult decision. I think in your situation I would probably not go ahead with the pregnancy. Having a baby totally changes your life, in every way, and I think even couples in the most ideal situation where both want to have kids find it really hard and struggle with the loss of freedom, the financial and mental burden, and what it does to your relationship. I think you need to get to know your BF much better, and definitely live with him before you decide to become parents. Termination is a big deal of course, but I agree with an earlier poster, it doesn't have to be something you regret forever, that's very catastrophic thinking. Bringing a baby into the world is a much much bigger deal, and I don't agree with the very casual 'if you want it, have it' approach, I find that quite odd. I'm sure you will make the right decision.

If you (without him) want it, can love it and look after it then keep it and stuff him. His loss if he walks away, and if he does you do not want him anyway.

Thing is, do you actually want this baby or do you just not want to have a second termination? Remove the moral judgement from your decision - imagine you were to have a miscarriage. Would you feel sad or relieved?

Could you go for counselling alone, then with your partner?

Maybe having a neutral 3rd party will draw out some clarity?

You could talk about some of the things that have come up here.

Sorry you had a hard time with your previous end of pregnancy and the scenario around it. If you do decided to have an abortion, please get support if you feel you need it.

Having a baby (potentially) alone can be tough MH wise.

I was in a situation long ago when I had to decide on education/job vs baby at young age. I didn't have the baby but felt very conflicted.

I remember my ex's dear mum (had babies herself young) hugging me and saying - completely free of judgement - ' whatever you decide its you in the mirror each day of your life - not him.' She'd had a pretty tough life all in all (and some dodgy fathers of her 5 children before she met her diamond) - but she totally owned her decisions.

Weigh up the practicalities AND listen to your heart.

Its one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in life. I know not everyone on here feels the same way, before they jump in!

Like people say, there's no way of knowing if it will feel like the 'right' or 'wrong' thing until perhaps later in life. Good luck OP.

Hope some of what people have said helps you.

You seem to frame things in quite black and white terms - either the worst or best thing ever.

The point of the honeymoon phase is that you don't feel like you've only known each other five minutes, but the fact is you barely know each other. Your emotions being intense don't alter that although possibly could cloud your judgement.

Maybe I'm way off here, but I get the sense at least part of you wants this pregnancy as a way to try to heal your past traumas... Do you think that might be happening?

This is hard to convey when you are only reading my words and can't hear my tone, but I am asking this gently, and without judgement: do you think it is helpful to speak to yourself like this?

I still look at my nephews and nieces and think 'your cousin who might have been is dead'.

I appreciate you're suffering with the trauma you experienced, which I won't pretend to understand because I'm not you - and it sounds like it wasn't handled brilliantly from the medical side which won't have helped - but you can take charge of the way you talk to yourself to be softer and kinder and more compassionate, rather than effectively beating yourself round the head with your words.

Self compassion will help you recover from your trauma, but talking to yourself with the brutality you are right now is more likely to have the opposite effect. Regardless of what decision you make now, I think that's important for your future wellbeing that you start trying to alter this. It won't be instant but you can gradually adopt a kinder stance.

Bear in mind too that you have the power to speak to medical staff to make them aware of previous traumatic experiences, and how you need staff to care for you to support you and prevent you being retraumatised. It's absolutely acceptable to say what happened last time and ask for it to be handled differently, with more compassion and for your needs to be planned for better and met. It's helpful to you and helpful to the people trying to care for you.

This applies to any medical treatment, but it's worth keeping it in mind now to at least take out the traumatic avoidance that might be influencing your decision and making you feel you have fewer choices than you may wish for. It was handled badly last time, but you can make sure that's not repeated if it comes to it.

Take care

I think your partner is getting a bit of a hard time. This has clearly come out of the blue and it's not surprising that he would be thinking of how to avoid all the turmoil a baby might bring.

It is always the woman's decision and you need to be happy to have the baby with or without him. If you decide to terminate, it should be because you want to, not because you want to keep him. PP are right in that it will haunt your relationship.

I thought the GP would give me a blood test or something?? Shows that I obviously have no idea about this, encouraging...
My boyfriend wants to come to the appointment with me, bit awkward if it's just me sort of...telling the GP I'm pregnant

You need to get yourself to a counselling service to decide what's right for you.