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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to keep this baby

138 replies

CassandrasCastle · 13/08/2019 15:27

I have just found out that I'm pregnant, around 6 weeks by my reckoning, though I have a doctor's appointment this week to confirm.
The question is, should I keep it? I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, just some advice. Just being able to unload is good. And...am I being unreasonable..
The situation in short (hopefully) I've been with my boyfriend since last October - it's the real deal, we love each other, and it feels like a v healthy relationship, with openness and discussion of anything that's troubling us. I'm late 20s, he is in his mid 30s. This news - I was on contraceptive injection - has been an absolute shock to us. My instinct is that I want to keep it. Also, I had an abortion early last year, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I still think about it, and the the thought of having another terrifies me. However, my bf feels like now is not the time for us to be the best parents we can be - we don't live together yet, he doesn't feel ready and is currently finishing a very demanding PhD. I just got a new job which I love a couple of months ago. I think both of us feel like we haven't had enough fun as a couple yet - I mean, just being able to go away on holiday together, make more friends, socialise with our current ones (although tbh, the majority of his friends actually have kids). I hear his fears, they are totally legitimate. And I fear that I could damage our relationship greatly by saying that I want to go ahead with the pregnancy if he is not on board. (He has assured me he wouldn't leave, and would accept my decision but...still. I worry about buried resentment.)
Oh, I'm so confused. And I'm scared on the other hand that I might go ahead with an abortion because I know that's what my bf ultimately wants. Although to be fair, he says he hasn't made a set in stone decision, is very open to discussion - and I feel the onus is on me to sort of prove that I'm ready to have a baby. When I'm not sure I totally am!
If anyone's been in this situation, please let me know. And would I be unreasonable to go with my gut (ugh, dislike that expression but oh well) and keep the baby?

OP posts:
nowayhose · 13/08/2019 18:54

Whatever you do, don't rush into any decision. You have time to mull things over and come to a decision in time.

The decision is yours, no-one else's.

Ignore the posters who twitter on about your 'childs rights to have.....', there are absolutely NO GUARANTEES in life at all, and all the best laid plans can go wrong for any number of reasons.

YOU only need to decide for YOURSELF, and absolutely no-one else !!

After you have decided, you can then discuss with your partner and make plans.

Rosachoc12 · 13/08/2019 18:54

Absolutely go with your gut feeling. Keep this baby if it’s what you want. It sounds as though you really regret the previous termination so don’t put yourself through that twice. Just prepare yourself for the possibility that your relationship might not last. That said, you could have been together 5 years and in your mid thirties and the relationship still might not have lasted. That’s just life. If you’re ready to have a child then do it. You don’t know what life has in store for you and it’s best not to live with regrets. Good luck with whatever you decide.

MollyButton · 13/08/2019 18:55

You phone your surgery - and tell them you are pregnant. Then they will know if in that Surgery you see a GP first or a community midwife. Even if you see a GP you will pretty soon see a MW, who will probably do the majority of your care (the only time they don't is if you are "high risk" in some way).
The MW will want to talk to you on your own - and one of the things they should mention is domestic violence. They should also ask you how you feel about being pregnant - because not everyone is "delighted".

There are appointments where it can be useful/nice to have "Dad" there, but the first one isn't really one. As they don't really do much, except start the "booking in" process and explain things to you, give you a schedule of further visits including when scans are likely to be etc.

Hospital pregnancy tests are often exactly the same as the ones you can buy over the counter.

PriestessModwena · 13/08/2019 18:58

This pregnancy is about you at the end of the day. I don't see why your OH would be worried at all. Has he said what worries him?

No one these days is going to bully you in a GP surgery / MW appt, into what you should do.

At abortion providers it's MW who lead most of the service.

You need to think about you, think about what you want to say to your OH. I'm a bit worried that he's not actually worried, but putting you under pressure.

Boshmama · 13/08/2019 19:15

If you want this baby have it. Even if you lose your relationship, I'm not saying you will, but if you want the baby it'll be worth it. I've never known love like I have for my daughter and I've been with dh for 13 years. We both agree we'd push each other under a bus for our child!

I was the 'right' age and the 'right' stage when I got pregnant and I still had moments of thinking I wasn't ready! Even though I'd tried for a baby!! I don't think anyone ever feels ready.

But if you don't want the baby then that is totally okay too - just don't do it just because your bf wants you to, it's your body, your pregnancy, your decision.

Conniedescending · 13/08/2019 19:20

I had an unplanned pregnancy in a relatively new relationship when I was 24. Relationship was happy etc but early days, not living together etc.

I made decision to keep baby but did so knowing it may not work out with my partner and I was prepared and ready to go solo if needed

It did work out - she's 1y and we are now married with more kids and very happy - but it so easily could have been another story

I think u need to separate the decision from the relationship and take it from there

toria6118 · 13/08/2019 19:54

@CassandrasCastle, only you can make the decision to keep the baby or not keep it. Obviously discussing with your partner is good, but you will be the one to go through the pregnancy and birth. I’ve never terminated, but have suffered two miscarriages, both of those were pregnancies while on the pill. I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3, have had the how will you cope speeches, the you should get rid of it speeches all from the hubbys family, not mine. Whatever you decide to do, you’ll be okay. And yes, I didn’t want to go through a termination because I’ve had two losses, and didn’t want to choose to lose a third. Good luvk to you, whatever you choose.

OnlineAlienator · 13/08/2019 19:54

Make the decision based on the assumption you'll be going it alone. I did everything 'right' with mine: married a man i loved, planned the baby. Fast forward 8yrs and he's bailed anyway!

NKFell · 13/08/2019 23:40

@Mummyoflittledragon I’m not denying anything. I said I don’t think it’s normal. I’m not interested in derailing this thread. If my opinion is important to you pm me or start a thread.

contrary13 · 14/08/2019 08:20

Contraception - all forms of it - are only 99% effective, I'm afraid. No company is going to claim their contraception is 100% effective because there are always going to be people who would sue them if/when it failed and a pregnancy occurs.

I was 19 when I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest. I was on the pill (don't remember which one), had just left her abusive biological father (after a relationship of 14 months), was given the wrong information (the GP told me I was past the then-legal point of terminating, when actually, I was a lot less pregnant than she thought I was... and when I found out she'd gotten it wrong - it's not an exact science, after all, and this was based on when I'd last had a period as opposed to an actual scan - I'd grown attached to the fluttering bubble of a baby inside of me), and ended up continuing with the pregnancy. Which was, quite frankly, the most hideous time of my life and I spent most of it in and out of the local hospital. I developed ante-natal depression, I was still trying to heal from the abusive relationship and come to terms with the fact I was going to be a lone parent, I lost my job, I was horrendously sick/had kidney infections galore... but at the end of it, I had a beautiful baby. Whom I love tremendously.

Four years later, I had a termination. I was in a long-term relationship, but he was off travelling and doing his own thing, and the pregnancy was a result of another contraception simply not working for me. Do I regret it? Yes, and no. Some days I know it was absolutely the right choice for me, and others... not so much. It would have been 19 this year, and I sometimes catch myself wondering whether they would have looked like their father, or me. But my first pregnancy had been so awful, that I knew I couldn't go through that again - especially not whilst caring for my then-4 year old. I was also in my last year at university, and my degree involved a lot of climbing in and out of trenches/hard manual work. Had I continued the pregnancy, I could have kissed goodbye to my degree. The father's lifestyle would have continued regardless...

Four years after that... I fell pregnant, to the same man who'd fathered the termination, with twins. I only managed to carry one of them to term, and he's now a strapping 14 year old who makes me smile most days. My pregnancy, this time, was less stressful even though I'd not planned for it - yep: contraception fail again. For some reason, the various hormone pills simply don't work for/with my body. So that's four pregnancies, if the twins count as separate ones, all whilst I was on contraception. I cannot help but wonder if my termination contributed to the loss of my son's twin - however rational that might be, I don't know, but I do know that there is a chance it contributed to the weakness in my cervix. I was incredibly lucky to manage to carry my son to full term. I know that. I'm grateful for his survival. I also managed to finish off my PhD during his first few months of life. His father's life continued regardless - nothing stopped him from doing what he wanted/when he wanted...

My daughter is now a young woman who flits in and out of relationships. She knows that no contraceptive is guaranteed 100% effective, and has already stated that she would terminate if she found herself pregnant at a young age. She knows that I would/will support her through whatever decision she would be making, concerning her body and her life.

Whatever choice you make, Cassandra, whatever decision you come to regarding this pregnancy - be aware that the GP appointment is simply to register the pregnancy and support you through either continuing with it, or terminating it. It is to ensure that you're not being pushed into anything you don't want by your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend's life will continue on as it is, whether you continue or terminate. Men don't suffer from morning sickness, a loosening in the pelvic girdle, swollen ankles, kidney/bladder infections, an increased risk of thrush, the stretching of the skin and mild displacement of body organs. They just blithely watch us endure and put up with it all... and don't really understand the process, completely. My son's father, I recall, couldn't grasp that I wasn't able to run the length of a football pitch, because I was the size of a small house and couldn't breathe properly when my son decided to stretch inside of me. Or how many times I'd have to get out of bed in the middle of the night to pee, because he was dancing on my bladder/I had a kidney infection. He knew the theory of pregnancy, but not the actual practice of it. And it is, as I'm sure many will agree, bloody exhausting growing another human being...

Whatever choice you make, please don't let anyone else make it for you. Flowers

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 14/08/2019 08:33

I would stop thinking about this in terms of your current relationship and try and make a decision based purely on how you feel and what you really want. Having an abortion or not having an abortion to please somebody else is not the answer. It will breed resentment between the two of you. Either one of these choices is going to have a lasting effect on you, so please just take some time away from everyone else to do some soul searching and do what's right for you. You are the person who will be most affected by this decision. Once you have made your decision, then you can let your partner know what's going to happen. What happens between you two from there? Time will tell. But please just make sure that you've got this straight in your own head. You have to live with this for the rest of your life.

Lowlandlucky · 14/08/2019 08:41

It is up to you but please please dont think you will change his mind, he has told you how he feels and dont think by seeing the scan picture or hearing the heartbeat he will change his mind.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/08/2019 08:54

@CassandrasCastle You don't need to see a GP. You can if you want to, although generally they just refer you to midwives, so I don't know anyone who has bothered really! You can book yourselves in with the midwife and they'll arrange your first appointment when you're far enough along, and you can start taking folic acid now, but if you're not thinking of a termination, you don't need to see your GP.

In terms of what I'd do... we're similar ages; with similar age partners. I've been with mine for three years. I often wonder if there's a good time to get pregnant... anyway. In your situation, I don't think there's a way out unscathed, so I'd consider the options quite bluntly. It is quite rare for a new relationship to survive a very early baby, or an abortion that one person didn't really want. It happens, but statically it's rare, so prepare for that and hope for the best. That way you can't be blindsided.

So, you have the baby and your relationship breaks down at some point. Can you cope? Do you have other support? Would you be okay financially? For childcare and things, for housing? It sounds like you want the baby, so check off how you'd do it alone. If he's with you, it'll make it 20x easier, but you're ready if he disappears at any point. That's not saying he will, but it's better to be prepared.

Then imagine not having the baby. Could you forgive him? Would it always taint part of the relationship? When would you want to try? When does he think he'd be ready? What would you both want to have done before you had kids?

There's an emotional fallacy around new relationships - it never feels like you've known someone for a short time, your emotions hide it, and it never feels like they'd be the type to cheat/leave/not cope. And not everyone is! Some people are lovely and some relationships go the distance in any circumstances. But if you prepare for the statistical likelihood, with no judgement on him or what he might do, you're in the best place to make your decision and move forward.

All the best Thanks

CassandrasCastle · 14/08/2019 09:33

Thanks all. Oh well, I'll be pitching up at this GP appointment tomorrow feeling slightly stupid maybe - but I haven't decided on having a termination or continuing with pregnancy yet, so I guess they can advise of support/counseling or something

OP posts:
KisstheTeapot14 · 14/08/2019 10:04

Good luck Cassandra. I hope whatever you decide works out for you and your partner in the long run.

Come back and tell us (only if you feel like it). I know there are some judgypants on here, but a lot of us are also used to having a measure of objective compassion for other women in life predicaments.

user1480880826 · 14/08/2019 10:12

Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like you could do with investing in some condoms.

PooWillyBumBum · 14/08/2019 10:19

You don’t need to see the GP, usually.

If you think you may want to terminate contact Marie Stopes. If you want to keep it, your surgery will get you a booking appointment with a midwife.

So many judgemental crones responding. Strange people take so much pleasure in trying to make others feel small. You had sex with someone you love, whilst using contraception. These things absolutely do happen and I wish you the best of luck.

If you’re undecided please don’t take your DP with you, this needs to be your decision.

Krisskrosskiss · 14/08/2019 10:27

If you want the baby keep the baby. You dont need to 'prove' anything to anyone. It might be hard but it always is even if you think you ARE completely ready and it was all planned etc
I fell pregnant due to contraception failure in my mid twenties and I was on a zero hours contract, living in a one bed flat in the city centre and had only been in a relationship with the father for 3 months...and it was very hard I was very scared... I'd never even wanted children or thought I would have children so it was completely alien...
I dont ever regret it though...I'm not saying your situation will be the same but just to give you some hope that you can do it even if you are totally unprepared and you think you cant 'prove' you'll be a good mother or whatever nonesense... I had zero clue what I was doing but I did it. And I love my son so so much.

You just think about what you really want.. and if that's to keep the baby you will really do just fine please dont worry or think you have to prove anything to anyone.
Good luck Flowers

yellowallpaper · 14/08/2019 11:04

I think it's clear your bf will support you no matter what and he is being honest, which is the best you can hope for. He doesn't feel ready for a family just yet and that's a fair comment from him. So basically the decision is yours and you need to make the decision for you, and not for anyone else.

From reading your posts I think you do want this baby, and i think you will keep it and your bf will support the decision. I also think you would make good parents and not regret this decision for one minute.

CassandrasCastle · 14/08/2019 17:59

Thank you so much to all those who have shown compassion and understanding - you've really helped me

OP posts:
username44678885 · 14/08/2019 19:51

Not read every comment just agree with what yellowpost has said. I'm a big believer in going with your gut. I think even with planned pregnancies you still occasionally think am I ready for this? You both sound very mature and I understand your concerns. Having a baby is a massive thing. But once they are here I believe you wouldn't want it any other way.
I also think knowing how you felt with your first abortion even though for you it was the right decision. To do it again but this time wanting the baby would be too much. It would highly likely impact your relationship anyway.
All the best OP

CassandrasCastle · 19/08/2019 10:57

I wanted to come back and update this thread, because I feel a long way from the misery of last week - we have decided, together, to keep the baby, and I feel so happy, that I know this is the right thing to do. I'm aware that it'll be very, very hard, but I hope joyful too.

OP posts:
Lemoneeza · 19/08/2019 11:04

Congratulations OP Flowers

mordecaithomas · 19/08/2019 11:10

Yay!

CassandrasCastle · 19/08/2019 11:42

Aw shucks - thanks! Grin

OP posts: