Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

[notsurenotsure48]

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

Many congratulations - You sound like a good person and I expect you will be a great mum. You don't need these nasty people in your life, you have tried very hard to connect with them and they have spat in your face. They are also very stupid twits because as the mother of their grandchild you have a great deal of power, make sure you use it. Do not allow them contact with your child without you present. If they want to see the child they need to apologise for their terrible behaviour and come to visit you, behaving kindly and respectfully. Otherwise they will try to get DP to visit with the child and continue to exclude you. If this happens, tell them to fuck right off.

Don't go part time. You're at the start of your career. You are not married. You dont have a supprt network. Your dp is a bit wet. Don't kill your chances of being a high earner before they start.

Childcare costs come out of the family pot. Not just one wage. If your dp wants you to go pt to three days to save childcare costs, suggest you both go to four days instead.

When they finally deign to accept you into their presence again, don’t jump at their command. You are upset at their behaviour and until they apologise I wouldn’t see them again. They have made it very clear what they think of you. Why accept that?

OP - long talk with DP is required. Bluntly, you need to discuss how the 2 of you will go forward with the utter lack of respect his parents show you. How you will deal with it when the child they obviously do not want is born. How HE will choose to dance... will they get to call the tune and pull his strings or is he 100% certain he can walk away and live his own life?

If he isn't 100% certain then YOU have some hard decisions to make for yourself. And that will be very hard.

OP, I agree with this.

Yep he's told them they are not on, that it's unacceptable etc. Pushing me away will not make him leave me. However, because they've always been like this, I guess in his eyes he just sees that as the way they are.

So your DP has told them it's not acceptable, but until he actually shows them, they will not take any notice at all.

He needs to show them he has your back, by not going round, by not talking to them, etc, in solidarity with you. Actions have to have consequences, and right now his parents have none.

He's allowed them to treat you badly already. Tea at the table, being ignored or brushed off? He should have been firmer at an earlier stage. Maybe this is the way his parents are, but it's awful behaviour, pure and simple, and he needs to recognise how bad this is and not succumb to any sweeping under the carpet.

They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be I would assume that neither you nor DP is in any contact with them, then!

That is an appalling thing to say TO YOU, fully intended to separate you and the pregnancy from their DS, your DP. He goes and visits they pour on the vitriol... he comes back conflicted... where does that leave either of you?

That's what I meant earlier by him needing to make a decision, he can't keep everyone happy, mainly because whatever he does will make everyone unhappy with some aspect of his compromise. For a happy life he has 2 choices: walk away from you or walk away from his parents.

And, as I am sure you can see, neither of those will be good for him. But that is his problem.

Yours is how much of this are you going to passively allow to happen around you, fingers crossed, hoping for the best? I don't think you have that luxury, you have to step up and be heard - by him, not his parents.

Well, I think @billy1966 got a bit of an unfair pasting and I am afraid I'd have similar thoughts if my daughter were in this specific situation too.

The situation with the PILs is unrecoverable. Is your DP the golden child? What are his other siblings like? If things are better with them, that's good, but I would think very hard before wasting my life on this situation. I am really not kidding. You are very young. It's a loooong time to have unpleasant people in your life with a stake in your children and your partner. Yes, you can go NC. But is that really what you want for yourself or your child? What you have described here tedious in the extreme and at nearly 50 I have unfortunately seen friends go through it and can assure you it is tedious in the extreme. Being blunt - if you were 36, 37 with more confidence and surety around economic independence, maybe I would think differently.

You cannot work from home with a baby. If there is a working from home/flexible working policy you may find it says something about this (ours does.)

Don't go part time if you're not married. Don't even think about it.

For God's sake you must know it's possible to go to Registry office and get married to get yourself the legal protection you need. It's not about a huge, fancy party.

Out of interest what do your parents think about this development? Ie what they've said to him about you.

OP, another thing. If you are determined to keep the baby, make sure you find a way to retain your position in your field. If the worst happens and you split up, you can't rely on your DP.

If your DP were categorically putting them in their place, I would feel differently too.

I don't think Billy said anything out of line. They're right- OP has tried very hard to "make it work" but his family just aren't interested in fostering any relationship with her beyond the extremely superficial. Their barely disguised views about OP's motivations and character have come to the fore with the recent news. OP would be best forgetting about having any sort of positive relationship with them at this stage and accept that this is the way it is, but she seems to be a hopeful and forgiving sort- unfortunately it's kindhearted people like her that come off worst in these situations. Even if matters are patched up superficially in the short term, they'll still find ways to make their disapproval known in years to come. This will be a bone of contention, heartbreak and hurt for a long time and even the strongest relationships can buckle under that strain.

Once OP has this baby she's tied to this shitshow of family for life. Imagine trying to co-parent, in a relationship or otherwise, with someone who comes from a family background like that. If she splits up with her DP ultimately over it, she may find it very difficult to move back to the NE. If OP does proceed then she needs to go into it with her eyes open knowing that she may end up a single parent far away from her own family- not naively assume that they will see the light once baby arrives, or that her DP will grow a backbone and support her.

I would not be in a relationship where my inlaws couldn't find it in themselves to be civil to me.

We don't have to be best friends or socialise but the venom you describe would be the end for me.

It's not about who 'wins', it's about being tied to those people for as long as they're alive.

This relationship would be over for me.

You also are utterly insane if you think you can work from home with a baby.

with regards to your family being so far away.if you cant move now then just eep the visits and chat going strong.you just need to keep that going.as they will think not to bother you too often and you might not.but jsut keep visiting and inviting them down.its easier than you think when it comes from love and both sides want it.
my cousin family lives this far away with her first born.and they were just up and down all the time and the distacne became nothing.
it was more arranged at first but very soon it did bcome her mum having nothing to do one day and phoned in the moring and down she came.it stoppped being a problem when they stopped thinking it as one.
sounds like you want this op so that great.congratulations.
and you dont want her advice.not when this is how she has being parenting her own child and his partner and their new born!
how toxic might she be to your poor little one if she feels its part of this "trap"they are horrid.and your dp needs to step and does need to take sides for his family.

You Have horrible in laws
And I think accept they probably won’t change and get any nicer

So if you can accept that ..... they will probably change their mind when there is a
Little baby

But go into it assuming no contact
And don’t bother with them any more and let your partner know that’s your plan

@CuriousaboutSamphire It doesn’t make any difference now but it just baffles me that people don’t think it through! I would guess that many women in OPs circumstance wouldn't have known about any interaction between meds, or that they would miss a couple of pills through being asleep, ill, knackered. It just seems, at best, poe faced to post as you did, almost blaming OP... which is pretty much what her DPs parents are doing

Everybody and their dog knows antibiotics interfere with the pill. It’s also in the insert which you’re meant to read before taking it. Part of being a responsible adult is familiarising yourself with these things. If you are on the pill and your partner trusts you to take it, you need to either take it correctly or use a barrier method when you don’t.

People take choosing what pizza to order more seriously than they do their contraception nowadays!!

Why does your dp want to keep peace? They are fucking rude and tried to make your pregnancy all about them and their wants.

He shouldn't want to keep the peace, he should be laying down boundries!

I’d do everything I could to get back up north. I was in a similar position to you 13 years go except I didn’t move back north, I stayed down here where my husband’s parents have done everything they can to make life difficult for us. It’s too difficult to move north now because the kids are happy and settled but, by God, I wish I’d just bitten the bullet all those years ago.

I’d look at moving back up to be near your family so you have a little support when baby comes x

I'm not much older than you, but I think marriage is very important if you're going to have children. It doesn't have to cost a lot, I regret my big wedding and wish I'd gone for something small and saved the rest.
I would advise you to get to the registry office in something long and lacy. Get a bouquet of flowers and you'll be beautiful.

Skittlenommer yes everything you say is true, too late now though, the pregnancy ship’s already sailed so your snippy little lecture is pretty much gratuitous, just an exercise stating the bleeding obvious. But hey, I’m sure your pompous self feels feel better for having pontificated at the expense of the OP..

OP, you and your DP have to do what’s best for you and your child. Right now that means not dealing with his parents. They don’t want to see you? Perfect. If they change their minds later on you should make clear they’ll need to do some major grovelling and apologising. Right now it means you can just get on with getting things in order with your work and your finances for post-baby and sticking to contact with supportive people on your own side. Good luck with it all.

How will you feel when they treat you like scum for the next nine months then suddenly when there's a lovely new scrumptious baby here they are willing to forgive you?

Think on as this is an important time. Is your partner strong enough to put the mother of his child first or are you strong enough to bring this baby up alone ?

They may well be upset right now, but they have confirmed what you thought- that you are beneath them!! They have also accused you of deceit and their own son of being gullible and incapable of making his own decisions. They may well calm down, but you won't ever forget such cruelty. They are very foolish people! If you're not good enough for them, then you could argue that your baby is not good enough for them either. And unless they apologise profusely to you and do all that they can to make amends and support you, then why would you even bother to hang around instead of relocating to be closer to your own family! They are idiots!

Your partner is not "in the middle" here. There is no peace to be kept. It's his sperm that got you pregnant. His act as much as yours. His life. If he allows you to be attacked, he is a Half Man. He needs to be one hundred percent on your side.

Cut them out now. My in-laws are like that. My DH has never stood up for me. I'm non contact. My kids see them once a year. And the lesson I've learned- they don't care. They don't mind that there are 4 lovely grandkids they don't see / know. They are rubbish people! Don't waste your time trying.

Also, request that they keep away from you after the birth until you have calmed down for an indeterminate amount of time.