To think that there is a worrying rise of The Pushy Parent?

[ShutTheDough]

I visited my friend last week who has moved to Cambridge and happened to meet some of her friends. My friend is very down to earth and I would say has a very relaxed style of parenting. I was quite surprised about how much they invested in their children. Not saying that's a bad thing obviously but it all seemed like alot of pressure on the children. One of them already had the careers set out for their DC.
It just seemed all a bit intense tbh.

Who are the undesirables Leckford?

On the one hand this thread seems incredibly modern. The world is now smaller so that - particularly if money is no object and parents want to make a very very high financial investment in their children - then with due planning it may be possible to arrange what is seen as the most desirable outcome for them. ('In a few years they will start fencing.' 'Interesting info re STEM degrees - I might well get my son/daughter to do one.'

On the other it strikes me as actually very old-fashioned - rather as aristocratic families might arrange marriages for their children. Or in the case of wealthy 19th century business people, it would be assumed that sons would work either in the family business or something suitable would be fixed up with friends of a similar social class.

My parents were somewhat disengaged and there were probably times when I'd have liked them to be more interested in what I was trying to do.

Nevertheless, when I look back one of the things I've valued most in life is the freedom to make choices and make mistakes. I have made huge mistakes but come through them - and done interesting things that I never would have done if I hadn't gone down those 'wrong' turnings.

I've led my life rather than the one other people wanted me to lead.

I want my daughter to have that same freedom.

PotolBabu Loving the drunk giraffe picture. I've always said DS runs like wobbly jelly.

Teen does two sports & they have been his choice. He's never done anything musical nor had tutoring. I supported him with sport as he was keen but without thinking of any future benefit other than health. Now though I appreciate the confidence, the second set of friends & the ability to take feedback/accept defeat gracefully. Might have no place on a university application but I believe it's had a significant impact on his personal development. I don't feel it's pushy if other people have encouraged their children with their eyes open to those plus points up front.

I think you all risk producing drones.

Pot that all sounds great and suits you. It still wouldn’t necessarily suit my dc as students.We visited this week. Our guest house was full of teens and parents from around the world on uni tours visiting loads around the US. They had lists and top 3s they preferred after visiting. I guess just like kids visit in the UK but on a bigger scale. The whole point of visiting is to see which fits and is preferred.Harvard didn’t really do it for us. The chat at breakfast amongst parents was interesting and we clearly weren’t alone. People differ, priorities differ.We’re here on holiday and visited as in the area out of interest. I’m sure Harvard delivers a great education it wouldn’t be for my dc though at this stage.A great education isn’t enough. A general feel counts and the fraud scandal, legacy kids etc didn’t help with my impression of the place. One of my dc said he’d hate to be at Harvard knowing MIT was down the road out of reach and after visiting MIT it blew Harvard out of the water. He is very science/ maths focused but he just felt he could never see himself at Harvard regardless. Yeah I know getting into either would be no small feat but there are honestly several UK unis I and more importantly they would rather attend at this stage in time all offering a great education. After visiting each of these they may well change their minds we have some time and are only just dipping our toes into the whole business. I won’t be forcing any onto them as they have to attend the uni, get in, pay for it and most importantly enjoy it. Their only requirement will be to get themselves into their top choice which is a whole other thread.

@clucky3
Same here, there are so many activities, classes, courses my children want to take however its impossible with both parents work long hours plus travelling and no family lives near by. We have to squeeze all activities during 2 weekend days, we have just stopped Sunday Orchestra just so that the family could have the whole Sunday free to do anything together. Meeting children needs these days are truly exhausting and I constantly feel that I am not doing good enough.

I do envy with many of people that I know who work in academic or stay at home and have much more time for their children and in my view they could do a better job as parents and having better rounded, more academic children. To what point it has to stop, I think its the parents choice, some parents are super relaxed, some parents are not, some in between...there must be costly, exhaustion and huge scarification to come to certain result normally especially the children are not keen or not as able, hats off to these parents really. And if the child is happy? Who are we to judge? Some children blame their parents giving up on them too easily, were too relaxed, didnt create enough opportunity within their capability/ability.

Does anyone else feel like they've strayed into an episode of the Gilmore Girls? Although Rory didn't turn so great in the end....

howwudufeel children capable of distally controlled, unmanned flight??

I'll let you know if I spot DS doing that.

Please do reefedsail.

Better than a parent that’s negligent and spends no time, money or attention on the child.

Hothouse children. I work in education and see them all the time. And they are far more likely to have mental health issues ....

I waiver between being pushy and being lazy. In the times when I was pushy, my kids won all sorts of contests and awards and had straight A's. In the times when I chilled out their grades dipped and their desire to compete stopped.

Weirdly. they were happiest when they were pushed to be their best self. I aim to push a bit more this year as I can't let things slide any longer... my daughter will be 16 this uear so highschool needs better grades and a few successes for her cv. I try not to be a bully about it though, more just showing them all the things they can enter and helping inspire them. We can't afford classes and costly clubs so we are limited there.

I don't understand parents choosing their children's careers, or dictating their subject choices. That seems really weird to me. Let alone their extra-curriculars. When do the kids get to be themselves, to learn how to weigh up options and make choices?

I don’t know if I would be classed as a pushy parent. I hope not. I pay for lots of extra curricular clubs, after school every night and four hours on a Saturday but only because my child wants and asks to do them. She has shown an aptitude towards creativity and anything arty so I am trying to nurture that. I want her to be happy and don’t push her too much academically because her teachers have told me her talents mainly lie in music, art and drama. I just take the attitude if I ‘push’ her mostly just in the things she enjoys then she will end up with a career she likes and is good at by default.

My 21 year old DD berates me for not having been pushy enough. I thought I was sufficiently pushy (encouraging?) but apparently not. It frankly terrifies me that parenting could be any more pushy than what I experienced in SW London (and ran away from) in the noughties
Both DC are grown, educated and productive despite my apparent apathy. Which incidentallY, I contest!

Is it not possible to push your children but still teach them kindness etc too? If my child shows an interest in something, I want to help him explore that. He does classes but has plenty of downtime too. Imo pushy parenting is a negative phrase, i think involved parenting is more fitting

It is wonderful to be able to encourage something your child has expressed an interest in and watching them grow and blossom. However chooses those activities for them and insisting they continue, even when they show no interest or aptitude has an adverse affect. Forcing your children into endless extra lessons and activities that you believe are good for them teaches them to not give in and to persevere when the going gets tough. It teaches them to be winners but it doesn't teach them how to fail. All parents need to allow their children to learn about failure as well as success. They learn far more that way. The worst thing about a winner is they don't understand how to lose.
My non-pushy parenting has to date produced a trainee teacher, a sixth former who plans to be a psychologist and a budding engineer. All of them have chosen their own path and developed skills in the diverse things that they find interesting and which make them happy. None of them speak mandarin or play the lute.

Are some of you on here for real? Is this some kind of joke?
These are children we are talking about not little machines, our job is to raise happy, healthy children. No wonder so many children are suffering from mental health issues. If you live to be 80, you spend 16 of those years as a child and the rest as an adult, let children have fun and be free.
I work in education, exams to be exact and each year I am dealing with more and more children who are cracking under the pressure their parents are putting them under, this is so not fair.
I have a 16 year old who is currently waiting for her GCSE results, she probably has done really well because she always does and she works hard but no pressure was put on her by me or DH, our only wish is she is happy and true to herself.
She is a classically trained musician studying for her grade 8 on an instrument SHE chose, she loves music so much SHE has chosen a second instrument. SHE has picked her desired career path - engineering and SHE is striving to get to that goal.
DH and I will facilitate and fund her wherever we can but she is not a projection of our dreams she has her own. We try to open her eyes to the opportunities the world has to offer but she has to do the choosing not us. We discussed 6th forms, she has chosen the one she wants to attend, not my first choice but I know if she is happy then she will flourish. She has already started visiting universities off her own back.
Have confidence in your children, stop dictating to them, guide them by all means but listen to what THEY want or you may find that yes they grow up and attend the university of your choice, and get that powerful, well paying job you want them to get but they are successfully unhappy people, who resent you more than just a little bit.

I actually think the insistence on 'happy' is a bit of a stress in and of itself. It's normal not to be happy, all the time. We all have down times, stressful times, blah times - we need to allow our kids to have these too. Obviously you watch to make sure this isn't tipping over into depression or anxiety, but we need to learn how to cope with the 'negative' for want of a better word, emotions as well, how to roll with them and ultimately climb out of them.

Working in private education was a real eye opener. Everything was quantified and always for something to put on a cv for uni e.g. volunteer work or D of E.

Science subjects were revered but art, textiles drama was sniffed at by some parents even though the pupils didn't find science easy and preferred art subjects. Some had predictable professions mapped out by parents and were so micro managed. I was horrified

@mbosnz

I agree, happy is probably the wrong word. Trust me my daughter is not all singing and dancing!

Perhaps for some poor souls it’s not so much the extracurriculars etc that leads to misery but the feeling of failure and not being good enough if they don’t achieve what their parents expect exam , career or socially

Mine did a lot with prep schools and grammars:- drama, music (trumpet and viola), public speaking, ballet and dance. The DS loved war gaming and joined clubs himself - full of black t shirted, nerdy boys re-enacting Roman battles and learning classical history by the way. He also joined the Air Training Corps for a while. At home we encouraged them to read which they both voraciously and we paid for some tuition:- maths, French and some after school Latin. And, while we couldn’t afford fancy holidays ourselves, we paid for some amazing cheap school academic trips to France, Belgium, Russia, Poland and Italy for art, history and general culture. Neither of them liked sport and we didn’t push it as neither do the DH or I.

I don’t know if that lot is pushy or not. This was all in the early nineties and it all seemed normal for Buckinghamshire then.

Sorry, should read ‘ which they both did...’

My kids are 9 and 12. They play out mostly all day (holidays) and evenings (term time). Climbing trees, building dens and swimming in the river. That’s about as extra curricular as it gets.