To think that there is a worrying rise of The Pushy Parent?

[ShutTheDough]

I visited my friend last week who has moved to Cambridge and happened to meet some of her friends. My friend is very down to earth and I would say has a very relaxed style of parenting. I was quite surprised about how much they invested in their children. Not saying that's a bad thing obviously but it all seemed like alot of pressure on the children. One of them already had the careers set out for their DC.
It just seemed all a bit intense tbh.

I also want to point out that the Ox-Bridge/Ivy League route in life isn't the only way.

Both my husband and I are educated up to GCSE level. No A levels or degrees.

I am now head of anaesthesia for a Veterinary Hospital, and my husband runs a department for an insurance company.

We got there through hard work and interest and natural ability in our fields.

Extra-curricular activities as a child had nothing to do with our current success.

Re: the Mandarin, I think what it might do is give someone the extra bit of confidence to apply for a grad scheme in Hong Kong or whatever, or think 'Well, I did Mandarin at school, I can have a go at X language'

I think English being the global language of business is a double edged sword in a way...in that languages are seen as an extra, and language teaching in schools can be patchy.

About University entry, we went to a Y11 event at Cambridge earlier this year. During the Q&A session the Admissions Reps were very clear they have no interest in EC's. Their view was that not everyone is in a position to do them so it would be unfair to consider them. They are interested in whether the applicant has done extra research around their subject, whether reading, youtube or anything else they were able to access. The same was said by both Arts and Science admissions.

Owlbabie5 - my DD also came away from the Harvard tour feeling fairly 'meh' about it, whereas she left MIT and Boston University raring to apply to them.

And what you said about MIT valuing one or two deep interests rather than a laundry list of interests is becoming true for most top US universities. They want to see grit and persistence, rather than a ticklist.

The two students I know who got into Stanford this year (from different state high schools) both had one notable thing in common - they had each organised a big event that benefited their community and in doing so had demonstrated leadership and willingness to take a risk. Both also one deep passion (art for one, music for the other) and both had a very long history at their high school of supporting the less privileged.

Bear in mind Stanford has a 4% admission rate, and pretty much all of their applicants are academically fairly spectacular.

Both DH and I are graduates and we will be steering DS ideally towards an apprenticeship or a STEM degree. The people we know with the best work life balance work in construction and engineering.

Their view was that not everyone is in a position to do them so it would be unfair to consider them.

This is the message DS received at all the university open days he went to recently.

They are looking for evidence of proactive interest in the subject, e.g. watching online lectures, reading relevant books and articles. These can be accessed by any applicant, free or at low cost.

If it's an activity that only a small section of the population would be able to do (expensive trips abroad, private summer schools, elite competitions) then university admissions departments are aware that many applicants will not have those opportunities. They are very committed to widening access.

It may be that in the US these things work differently - but yes, this is certainly the impression I've had as a parent and through friends who work in university admissions.

@Ironoaks and I am sure lots of teens would be less inclined to read these books or watch these videos unless promted or encouraged by parents

It has been very interesting reading everyone's opinions and I have learned some positive things. I wish every parent and their DC all the success, happiness and fulfilment (subject to individual interpretation) they aspire to have or do indeed have, no matter which approach they choose to take.

I for one, will stick to my ways because they work for us and will adjust when/where necessary. Mandarin classes will continue (unless they start negatively impacting DC ) regardless as to whether the language is used in later life or not. However I will take into account and actually try out what was suggested by a PP on doing some activities (like swimming, and some instruments) together with DC. I believe as it was objectively explained that it has many benefits including additional time that I will be spending with DC. I also like the suggestion of a stem degree and will look into this with older DC (if she has an interest, in the future).

One or two posts reminded me of this article which I read this morning. So am sharing it here.
www.theguardian.com/books/2019/aug/13/i-knew-the-children-better-than-their-parents-the-nanny-story

Host:

In case you are highlighting/referring to me saying we have a nanny. I can assure you that I know my DC better than she does. We use a nanny twice a week. The remaining days of the week are shared between DP & myself as our jobs allow us that flexibility.

I often see that MC pushy parents try and dissuade other MC parents from being too pushy trying to take out the competition?

Lots of people keep Kumon, tutoring and other extras quiet

Dr Sausage we were all blown away. Dh and I wish we were young enough to apply. The campus, the ethos was really positive and even the PE requirements were sensible- 4 classes from a massive array with things like yoga and stress management. Loved the way you chose non stem classes too and the working as a team.

I honestly think those kids with every minute taken up are less likely to read around and do the self orientated creative stuff. My son has self taught himself free coding languages through boredom. He also entered a comp and got through to the final stage with a free summer camp through boredom, it was v time consuming. He’d never have done it if his time was filled up with classes and we’d told him to do it..

It’s bonkers if self study is deemed less than expensive parent motivated EC.

Drsausage we couldn’t believe the fuss over Harvard. Just looked like a dull poor man’s Oxbridge and Cambridge just felt like a busy Surrrey town. The fraud scandals would put me off too. Even the dc were saying they wouldn’t give you a thank you for a place and would rather go to uni in UK if that was all that was on offer.

@Owlbabie5 very few teens are motivated enough to self study without some parental push and structure in place

You can’t force teens to do anything though- school study or otherwise. You can only say your bit. Surely if their time isn’t taken up all the time and they get bored they are more likely to turn to more useful things. They have the world at their fingertips.

I've got one of those rare ones. I actually have to stop her studying too much.

Both of them know they have to ask for tutoring, and commit to getting the best out of it that they can - it costs a lot of money.

@Owlbabie5 most teens would waste time on xbox, facebook or snapchat all day long. Maybe it is my asian upbringing but growing up 'no' was never an option. Or at least not an option that would make the situation a lot more uncomfortable.

I restrict screens hence the boredom but they still spend far too much time on them.Try to strike a balance. Mine could still study more for school but you can only tell them they’re responsible for their own future you can’t force them.

@Owlbabie5 so you do have some guidelines how they are allowed to spend their free time and are pushing them to do something more productive then just being a screen zombi

Wouldn’t call it pushing, more do what you like but you’re not vegetating on screens all the time and you need to do homework when set as we all have responsibilities in life and you reap what you sow.

Advice is free.

We just back up what they get told in school . Sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other, sometime it sticks.

I'm surrounded by uber pushies - 4 year olds expected to take their musical instruments on holiday as they need to keep their practice up, parents who freely admit to doing their dc's GCSE coursework for them, intensive tuition from the start of year 3 to make sure that their dc get into the right highly selective independent secondary school. Parents who won't let their children out in the Easter holidays as they have end of year exams after the next half term to revise for etc. All the children look pinched and miserable all the time. And the problem is it is about grades and achievement not about education. DC's school objected to my asking for a late pass on one night's homework as I wanted to take them to the theatre (to see Maria Stuart - so an interesting play by a distinguished playwright). I really despair of how our education system is going as I don't think the purpose of education is just to get high grades for parroting what teacher tells you in an exam or for the parentally produced coursework.

One of my DC wants to be a musician and that is even worse. You see so many young children playing repertoire which is beyond them in the most mechanical and depressing manner.

My ex-husband and I we’re both raised by single parents on council estates, our extra-curricular activities were Brownies and cubs and knocking around on the park. We both have extensive post-grad education, great incomes and solid careers. I meet lots of previously hothoused children along the way and feel a bit sorry for them. Building resilience, a work ethic and a strong sense of self is, in my humble opinion, worth a lot more than playing the lute whilst swimming in mandarin. Concentrate on children as people, not projects!

honestly is there anybody on here that will admit to having their childs first 25yrs+ mapped out for them?

long shot i know