To think that there is a worrying rise of The Pushy Parent?

[ShutTheDough]

I visited my friend last week who has moved to Cambridge and happened to meet some of her friends. My friend is very down to earth and I would say has a very relaxed style of parenting. I was quite surprised about how much they invested in their children. Not saying that's a bad thing obviously but it all seemed like alot of pressure on the children. One of them already had the careers set out for their DC.
It just seemed all a bit intense tbh.

*they’re not being listened to

Hopefully my future child will have better attention to detail than I do 😂

I was encouraged by my parents to succeed academically. I don’t understand why that’s seen as a bad thing (although I agree that it can occasionally e taken too far). I now have an interesting, rewarding career as a result of working hard and doing well in exams.

My two step-children were both encouraged to do some extra-curricular activities and to attend a selective school.

My stepdaughter who was probably more shy and not quite so academic in her way of thinking, not has a decent job in education, which there are prospects of career progression. She married someone very hardworking and ambitious. They have a 'good' lifestyle and financial security.

But work pressures mean that she and her workaholic husband don't seem to spend much time together apart from on luxurious holidays. During the academic term she seems permanently exhausted.

Meanwhile there was a point at which my stepson dropped out. He does casual work to cover his living expenses. He grows vegetables. He has learned to do a lot of practical stuff - wiring, carpentry etc - while converting a van into a kind of mobile home for himself. He's a brilliant cook. He's gone and cooked in refugee camps.

I suspect that in many ways he is a happier person than my stepdaughter. (Although of course people have different ways of being happy.)

I think certain areas in the UK (and elsewhere, no doubt) are microcosms unto themselves wrt this sort of thing, and the pushiness is self-perpetuating because people do it more when they see others doing it.

I do 'push' my dc (the two that are old enough) to do extra-curriculars etc (and am definitely at the pushy end of parenting where I live), but not so they'll get into certain universities or take up certain careers, but so they i) get used to commitments beyond the basic 'go to school, come home and collapse in YouTubing heap' and ii) discover their passions and potential. I'm guided by them in the choice of activities, but a commitment is a commitment. I regularly search for stuff that connects with their interests and organise it for them. They're both naturally rather indolent and prone to putting in the minimum effort, so while I have an influence I don't intend to do them a disservice by not 'pushing' in this way.

Well I am clearly a serious slacker as a mum! My DC are late teens and early twenties now so probably too late to do anything about it .

None of my DC have an interest in sports and I was not going to push them into it. We did a Saturday morning tennis club for a few years at primary school level purely so we could hang out with kids and parents socially. That worked for a bit, but then DC refused to go so that was that.

One DC played instruments for a bit and went to drama club (her choice) but gave that up when GCSEs loomed. No-one had an interest in languages outside the school curriculum either.

The things I have always pushed are being a critical thinker, lots of reading and discussion of world issues and the historical context for them. They all had part time jobs, paid or voluntary, because you need to understand the skills required out in the real world.

Ultimately it did not seem to make a difference either to academic results or uni offers for my NT DCs who have largely followed their interests.

I worry about the lack of interior space given to children. School is quite demanding and the demand that leisure time should be equally structured doesn't seem to allow a) for recovery or b) just to do things within the family. Preparing meals. Board games etc. Maybe a child might even pick up a book, if left to their own devices. . Or draw stuff

I think I was basically quite slack with my own daughter, but just aimed to be an affirming parent and to make time for her.. (As did my partner.) She is doing very very well, despite/because of this slackness.

In the private school I work at there are a lot of children who have been told what careers they must pursue. There are a few who are being pushed into becoming doctors / pharmacists etc but unfortunately not all of them have the desire or ability to learn the subjects needed to a high standard. They get extra private tuition out of school, and will probably middle through, but it seems such a shame to be forced into a career path you hate.

We have a problem with teenagers who rebel, those forced to pick subjects they hate or are not good at. I think it’s awful tbh that they are forced into doing subjects they hate at GCSEs.

I don’t have any problems though with parents expecting their children to study and work hard, and I certainly expect each of my children to read, do maths and a bit of spelling 3-4 times a week. I tell them all the time I don’t care how they score on spelling tests, just as long as they practised and tried their best.
My eldest is not an enthusiastic learner, I just tell her that we all have to do things in life we don’t like, And there are children out there working in sweatshop factories who would dearly lovely to spend ten minutes a day reading a book or getting an education.

I make them do swimming lessons, and they can choose what 2 extra-curricular activities to pursue after school, but sitting on their tablets all evening or school holidays is not one of them.

I push my children but to be fair their state school does too. The spelling lists at yr2 are quite something and when I have searched online for similar examples I realised that other schools do not expect anywhere as near the same level of words to learn.

I think it’s a good thing to push a child to succeed, to not give up and instil work ethic. Pushing children into extracurricular activities they enjoy, will help them develop, grow and become well rounded individuals and they can see for themselves how working hard to be good at something they enjoy can bring pleasure to their lives.

I will probably be a pushy parent to my three pre-schoolers but NOT because I'm bored, unfulfilled or chasing money. I was raised by two parents who showed no interest in my schooling, as a result I scraped through my GCSE's, was told to get a job at 16, had no idea what I wanted to do and floated about for a few years in dead end jobs. I have eventually found a career I love, worked hard to progress and earn a pretty good salary. But for my children I want to encourage them to do their best, achieve as much as they can, live life to the full and live as many experiences as possible, find a profession that will bring opportunities and a good salary. I want them to have a good life.

Oh dear, I'm probably seen as a pushy career woman. I work five days a week, my 5 year old DS does rugby, swimming, karate and music lessons after school/at weekends. It's not because I'm bored though, it's more because he's not particularly physical so we wanted to encourage him to be confident with his body a bit more and I think music is important something that his hugely underfunded in mainstream education. I don't push him to do anything competitively though, I hate competitions!

This is a weird British affliction, demonizing people who want their children to do well. My grandfather was very WC and a rare British pushy parent. I have a far better life than I would have done otherwise. If you're MC then it's unlikely your children will ever face real poverty I tbh - still a weird affliction to complain about those trying to improve their children's lives.

There seems oddly little about morality here. As if it's all about encouraging children towards 'success'. But very little about helping them to become good caring members of society. Nothing about happiness either.

Push, push, push....

Also we have a globalised economy now, so your children will have to compete with those from cultures that prioritise education. Weird to accept globalisation but not the consequences? Also, UK is bit particularly equalitarian, so ppl know education is not so "worth it" as rich MC ppl succeed anyway. If we ever make society more egalitarian then being educated would be important.

I guess my mum would have been termed ‘pushy’ in that I did loads of activities as a kid. Competitive swimming 4 times per week, ice skating (once weekly), 2 instruments, plus school orchestra, tennis (1-2 times weekly). She also set me extra homework and tutored me to a scholarship.

I know she did it out of love for me and I actually really appreciate it. At the time I did feel there were some things I would have liked to give up earlier but it wasn’t that much of an issue as I went to boarding school at 11 and activities were reduced due to time restrictions.

My childhood was exhausting, but I don’t really think I missed out on much. I developed a good work ethic and physical stamina. Went to good uni. My career isn’t a success (probably because I chose something I wasn’t really suited to but coped for a long time due to sheer determination) but I start new job next month.

I think I would do fewer activities with my kids but would like them to get to reasonably high level in 1 sport and 1 instrument in addition to academic work as I think perseverance and work ethic are good qualities to develop.

People (certainly those reading my post) shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that pushing extra-curriculars = no downtime or non-structured activities. There's room for both. I do find, however, that dc who aren't self-starters (mine, anyway) do need a bit of structured external impetus. If you've got the kind of child who will consistently do self-directed stuff, that's great (I was like that; I wrote and wrote). My two do also do stuff like that, on occasion - cooking, making music, photography. But it's a short burst and then gets left. Left to themselves, they pretty much only read Donald Duck comic books or Diary of a Wimpy Kid, despite having a house full of the most varied books imaginable. Sometimes 'pushy' is just about introducing a different perspective and not leaving them to stew in their own juice.

"DP & I all went to US IL Uni's so do not see why DC shouldn't go"

Reading this thread makes me remember that I profoundly don't have anything in common with MNers.

• (genuine) Just hoping my kids won't be criminals

There seems oddly little about morality here. As if it's all about encouraging children towards 'success'. But very little about helping them to become good caring members of society. Nothing about happiness either.

I'm not directing this at the poster as such because I know nothing about your life so please don't take this personally, but when this argument comes from someone with a comfortable life I find it disingenuous. You need a certain amount of money to live a good life. Also education broadens the mind and often makes for a richer life. Some of my family members grew up extremely poor - extreme poverty and no enrichment really in their case. Time of high unemployment.

Ignoring this is often just based on assumption that either: (1) family money/connections will see you through, or (2) being MC means you get a good education anyway without any need for the dreaded "pushing"- win win as you get 2 reasons to look down on others.

I think happiness, independence, healthy habits, self-confidence and resilience...with good roots...are the most important to ensure future success. How your child comes about these is up to you.

I think a lot of aspirational parents should Google the term "value of boredom" and then read the research. There is high value in children having "nothing" to do. I work with the children of many a pushy parent. Lots of extra curricular activities does not always make for the most creative, driven and happy children.

We're in a fairly well to do area, and I've certainly come across a couple of these.

Best story I heard recently was about a mum who has a tutor for her 15 year old in every single subject the boy is sitting at National 5 (sort of like GCSE) next May. He does 7 subjects, one tutor a day. Boy wasn't struggling before the tutor nonsense started and was on course for all As or Bs anyway. Now he just hates his parents and according to my kids has "no life". His mother is determined he'll do medicine or law. The child is a whizz with computers and wants to do something coding related. She's having none of it.

Oh and just to add the crazy 7 nights a week tutor mum isn't American. Or Asian. Just your common or garden Scottish batshit crazy.

They also don't make for the nicest and kindest kids either. Although that depends what the extra curricular activities are.

I've been reading this post and I am honestly just exhausted reading some of the extra things some DC have to do after school. How do people actually manage to get all of this done? And work and eat and do everything else?! Do you as parents or families have any leisure time where you can just go for a walk and talk about the day?

I don't think there is anything wrong with encouraging your DC to work hard and have a good work ethic. I don't necessarily agree with the idea of having to spend every single moment of the day 'doing something'. Where is the time for quiet reflection?

They also don't make for the nicest and kindest kids either. Honestly, this isn't my experience. The kids I know who do lots of extra-curricular activities tend to be nicer than the ones who don't. Possibly because the latter are more likely to spend more of their time on the xbox or similar, which isn't typically linked to kindness or happiness.

This is something me and my best friend talk about regularly. I live in Wales with no grammar school or super selective school and I do find it unnerving when I speak to my friends living in London or any other big cities!
There is a fine balance between encouraging them to do activities, not letting them quit when things get harder, attaining proficiency in the activity involved and just being pushy. There is no point having an unhappy child who grows up to resent you or have mental health issues when they grow up. I agree with the above poster who said that it is important to bring up children as good caring members of the society., it is important to teach them that they should give something back to the community and life is not about money, money, money !

Absolutely agree with Fatted and the few others who have said similar.
When do they get time to play with all their toys? When do they learn to occupy themselves so they don't have to be entertained every minute of every school holiday?
Sure, be supportive and encouraging, but don't fall into the competitive trap of thinking that multiple activities ensures good grades, unis and jobs, or means you are a better parent.
And surely the only person choosing a career should be the person who is going to be doing it?