To want to see DS 14’s phone

[Frexit]

DS (14) has recently become very secretive with his phone. Always placing it face down, putting it in airplane mode if he has to leave it charging anywhere so no messages/WhatsApp’s come through, getting really ansty if I ask him who he’s messaging etc.

We were on holiday last week and he spent all the time we were at our cottage in his room, on his phone, usually with headphones in. Occasionally he could be heard talking to someone but not who and when asked lied and told me it was a friend of his which I know it wasn’t because I happened to be in contact with his mum at that moment and I knew her DS was doing an activity. A couple of times he quickly shut it down when I came into the room.

In the past I’ve gone into his phone to look at some of his messaging, particularly at a time when he was having some friendship issues at school. I did this without his knowledge. Now, I have no idea of his password and if I asked to see his phone then I know the answer would be no.

My AIBU is about wanting to know what he’s doing and why he’s being so secretive. It could just be he has a girl he’s in touch with but he denies it. I’m just not sure how to navigate between his right to privacy and my responsibility to check that all is ok and he’s not doing anything dodgy.

I do try and talk to him but just get attitude back. I don’t feel like I can have constructive conversation with him about anything right now.

Is it normal for boys to be so secretive about girls, assuming that that’s what it is? He’s my eldest so no experience of teens to draw on.

It won’t be a popular view but I believe it’s a parental responsibility to know what is happening in their children’s lives, including social media and on phones. Imagine the trauma if he’d been downloading inappropriate pictures of a girl from school and ended up in trouble with the police through stupidity.
I assume you pay the contract? If so, that comes with the right to see what’s being sent and received on the phone. I wouldn’t do it secretly or behind their back but upfront and open.
Time enough for secrecy a bit later on when they’re more worldly wise.

You’re the adult on charge of your child. It’s your job to keep him safe on the internet, I’m really surprised you are questioning this.
It would have been better if you’d set this up from the start( we didn’t and had to instigate it later too) , but the deal with him having the phone is that you can check it out when you need to, especially as he’s having problems with friends.

Yes you need to check up. If course he can still hide stuff but it could be massive trouble if someone else sees it

My DS15 knows that I need to know password to his phone. If I don't, phone is going. Never had major problem with it.

If I pay for it, I have access to it. Otherwise it’s gone. DD agreed to these terms.

Thanks for the replies. I agree with you about parental responsibility and keeping him safe but I’m just not sure about trampling on his right to privacy. It could be that he’s just messaging a girl and doesn’t want me to see? I don’t think I’m entitled to read his messages to a girlfriend/potential girlfriend. It’s how to get the balance right that’s troubling me and how to respond to him when he throws the privacy argument in my face.

If I pay for it, I have access to it. Otherwise it’s gone

If he refuses to give you the passcode remove it.

He’s a child, your the adult.

Respecting his privacy is one thing.

Tolerating him being highly secretive and lying to you is another.

Be the parent.

Ok. Thanks. Message received. I know I’m generally too soft on him and this is clearly another example of that.

He’s 14, you should have parental controls in place which only you can access with a passcode and he shouldn’t have a passcode on his phone. If he does have one it needs to be one you know too.

I’m all for privacy but if he’s being secretive I’d be concerned. At 14 I was texting and talking to a 24 year old man I’d met in an internet chat room. You just don’t know!

I would sit him down and be open with him about your concerns, he might give you a straight answer. Save you feeling guilty and going through his phone.

I tried to talk to him earlier. He denied doing anything wrong and denied being in touch with a girl. Just says he’s messaging and talking to friends. Will tackle it tonight. We’re off out for food and a cinema visit so it’ll be a good time to discuss it over dinner. Thanks all

My DD(13) knows that it is a condition of her having a phone that we will check it from time to time. We made that very clear from the start and if she was to refuse to let her see it we would take it off her. Having a phone is a privilege not a right.

I suspect that the top 3 reasons for sudden phone secrecy in a teen is drugs, romance or bullying. 2 of those are very worrying and I think that perhaps you'd know if it was romance if you overheard his conversation?

My son is 13 and would be receptive if I told him that I was concerned about his sudden change in behaviour and that he didn't need to give me names but I'd like to know roughly what's going on. Is that a possibility with you?

I know the passwords to my
Childrens Facebook, snapchat and Instagram. If they change them I have the phone. I can also take a look at their phones when I want to or otherwise as previous posters have said I take the phone.
My now 18yr old dd once asked for a lift to a boys house she was 15 at the time. I signed into her Facebook messages and saw that he wasn't a very nice person and had been emotionally blackmailing her. I didn't take her to his house. I got a feeling from his messages he wanted to do more than chat and that he wasn't be going to take no for a answer. I told her about this recently and she actually thanked me.
Sometimes it's in their best interest. Obviously now she's 18 I don't have her passwords or access to her phone.

Yes I agree you should check, but be open about it.

In our house DD’s (16 & 13) agreed to the rule; as long as I’m paying their bills then I can access their phones, I check every month or so, usually when they’re in bed. I set up the parental controls and they don’t know the password to change the settings.

Time for a chat, good luck OP.

Bloody hell there’s no way I’d be giving complete privacy to a 14 year old!!!!!! I swear we’ve all gone mad.

Another time don’t give him the heads up you’re worried and time to delete stuff! He hands it over and unlocks it then and there or loses it!
The trouble he could get into with it is mind boggling!

I would try to communicate with him much more than you have done, before invading his privacy.

Good luck op.

I think that this is one of those instances where it's the parenting between 0-11 that counts, if that makes sense?

I agree with checking his phone. I'd be concerned about grooming.

Hard being a teenager too.

Thanks again. More food for thought. I will be talking to him this evening for definite. It’s definitely not drugs, it may be friendship stuff but I think that’s sorted now - he’s happy in himself. I think it’s a girl. He’s very young for his age and emotionally immature. That’s my best guess. But I will talk to him and report back.

He has no right to privacy. He is 14. You can extend him a de facto right by staying out of his room, not reading his diary, not looking at his phone, but you as the parent have a responsibility for his safety and behaviour that overrides those considerations as a matter of last resort.

How do you mean Lily? That if he’s got the right moral code and knows right from wrong it should be ok?

Hercule my gut instinct is that this isn’t anything nasty or dangerous. My hunch is it’s a girl and he’s being excessively secretive about it. I will talk to him tonight and explain my concerns and establish some new rules for his phone. I will ask to see his phone there and then but I will promise not to open any messages from a girl if it turns out thats what it is and it’s a girl I know or a friend of one of the boys I know. Does that seem fair?