To want to see DS 14’s phone

[Frexit]

DS (14) has recently become very secretive with his phone. Always placing it face down, putting it in airplane mode if he has to leave it charging anywhere so no messages/WhatsApp’s come through, getting really ansty if I ask him who he’s messaging etc.

We were on holiday last week and he spent all the time we were at our cottage in his room, on his phone, usually with headphones in. Occasionally he could be heard talking to someone but not who and when asked lied and told me it was a friend of his which I know it wasn’t because I happened to be in contact with his mum at that moment and I knew her DS was doing an activity. A couple of times he quickly shut it down when I came into the room.

In the past I’ve gone into his phone to look at some of his messaging, particularly at a time when he was having some friendship issues at school. I did this without his knowledge. Now, I have no idea of his password and if I asked to see his phone then I know the answer would be no.

My AIBU is about wanting to know what he’s doing and why he’s being so secretive. It could just be he has a girl he’s in touch with but he denies it. I’m just not sure how to navigate between his right to privacy and my responsibility to check that all is ok and he’s not doing anything dodgy.

I do try and talk to him but just get attitude back. I don’t feel like I can have constructive conversation with him about anything right now.

Is it normal for boys to be so secretive about girls, assuming that that’s what it is? He’s my eldest so no experience of teens to draw on.

if teenagers are more anxious and unhappy these days, meddling, nosy parents who spy on them and insist on policing all their social activity are part of the problem - continual surveillance is bad for mental health

I couldn’t agree more, and am happy for my child to develop social relationships in person absolutely outwith ‘surveillance’ She doesn’t need a phone to do that. However, if she wants one, she needs to accept that I will - ultimately - check it if I feel the need to.

Completely disagree.

Sometimes teens can be secretly relieved when older people around them bring up issues. They might not be going through a problem but they might know someone who is and be concerned about their welfare. There is a lot of pressure on teens not to be snitches but they can help their friend by passing on info that can help. For example he was surprised to learn that the GP wouldn't call me if he made an appointment without my knowledge and that confidentiality applied to teens too.

What goes on internet is NOT private. You can maybe hide it from a parent, but not from hackers, corporations, government or police. Kids must be made aware.

A phone is not a diary. A diary is simply someone's thoughts and should be private. A phone is a door to the worldwideweb and everyone in it. You should treat interactions on a phone as interactions with strangers on a street and you wouldn't let strangers in your kids bedroom.

My guess is tho he's watching a lot of porn.

Ffs you chat so much shit sgb

Well my DD has had a phone less than a year that I check regularly. In that time I’ve taken her out of one Whats App group where there was some quite nasty messaging going on (not participated in or directed at my DD) which led to some conversations about slut shaming, body image, sending inappropriate photos and porn. I’m glad I could see what she was seeing so I could help her understand the bigger context. I also discovered one of her school friends was self harming something that she and others knew about but had absolutely no idea how to handle. She was quite visibly relieved to talk to me about it. So I make no apologies for checking her phone and believe it’s very different to a diary since diaries by their nature don’t allow group chats and photos of cut arms to be sent.

I'm sorry and I'm sure it won't be popular but....I pay for the phones, they're essentially my phones. Sporadically I pull a phone audit at school drop off. They give me the password and get their phones back at the end of the day. There's a lot of me knows this is wrong, that it's invading their privacy. BUT mobile phones/social media is such a new invention I feel it's my duty to try and monitor and assist them. Sorry

I just asked both my young teen DC about their view on this. My DS said it was no problem, parents should be able to look at their kids phones if they have genuine concerns for their safety.

My DD also agreed, but wanted to point out that parents would hopefully have the kind of relationship with their children where they could be honest if there was an issue. She very much feels that if parents looked at their children's phones without their knowledge/consent, it would break trust. She would want a conversation first at least, explaining why her phone was being looked at, eg "I'm really concerned over your behaviour and that you're hiding your phone all the time. I am worried that there is something going on, maybe even illegal, so I need to look at your phone to make sure you are OK." - That the emphasis on the conversation is concern for the child and their safety.

Same as the others on here we have always had a rule that phones are left downstairs at night, we know passcodes and we can access when we feel we need to.

I don’t very often but occasionally have a brief look through to check if any particular names are very frequent, any odd conversations or group chats pop up etc. I don’t sit and read through all their chats and messages- tbh I’m not interested and it would be snooping and invading their privacy. But a general overview to ensure they are safe is important.

We also have a link so WhatsApp photos show up in my stream too. Cue lots of inane pics of teenage boys but it’s another layer of security.

A PP made an excellent point that actually nothing on phones is private given it can be shared by the group or the receiving individual and certainly nothing on IG or FB for example. And we should ensure children know this.
Any previous comments can return to bite them at any time and what we say as a 14 year old in a moment of silliness isn’t often something we want to be made public when we are 20 and at work.

Diaries that we used to write or even letters were a wholly different matter.

If you do get access I would look for the apps 'secret calculator' and 'best secret folder'.

They look like normal calculator/folder apps, even if you enter them. But they're code protected and can store other apps, photos etc.

Definitely check, including potential girlfriend messages. Both he and she might be sending inappropriate pics or worse. Or chatting with stranger met online. Safety first, privacy second.

Also, if it can be opened with a thumb print then sometimes a piece of tape over the button can be used to take a cast which can open it

Evening all. Had a fairly unsatisfactory conversation with DS tonight. Just didn’t have the time in the end to get into it properly but he accepted straight away that we should have access to his phone and gave up his password there and then. DH then waded in talking about the Breck Bernar case to which DS replied if you think I’m stupid enough to start talking to some random off the internet you don’t know me very well. I started to talk about sending inappropriate pictures and asked if he’d had any talks about this at school. He looked puzzled. Didn’t know what sort of pictures I was referring to and looked shocked when I explained. So he’s either a master manipulator/actor or more naive than even I thought. I said we’d revisit the conversation because we were late for the film. I will take a look at his phone in a bit if DH and I can remember the password!

It’s been so interesting to get different perspectives on here. Thanks.

It's simple. Who pays for it? I'm guessing you do. My 12 year old knows that if I ask to see his phone he hands it over. If he does not then he will no longer have one. I would guess your ds has a gf who he is messaging and does not want to tell you. I think you need to tell your son same as I have mine. Make him tell you the password. Then tell him if you ask to see the phone it's handed over. If he changes the password he tells you otherwise you remove it. No phone will result in being grounded also as you will nit be able to contact each other in an emergency.

Ok I’ve looked at phone. There’s a girl he’s been FaceTiming for about a week. She’s saved in his phone with lots of hearts after her name No messages but I can see on Snapchat they’ve only been friends for about 10 days. That just happens to coincide with a camping trip he went on with some of his friends so I’m pretty sure she’s a mate of a mate. Not seen any message content so I feel relieved I know what it is but don’t feel Ive breached his privacy too much. Will talk to him about message content/boundaries etc but now know what I’m dealing with so feel better. Thanks again all

Another who had rules of 'I pay for it, I can check it' And I certainly did check it on occasion until my child was over 16.
I didn't read every single message but I'd go through the various social medias and texts at a glance.
For me, it uncovered some pretty nasty bullying that had been happening at school and in group chats and I was able to deal with it once I knew.

I'm also a teacher and we have had more incidents than most parents would care to think about of 11, 12, 13 year olds sending naked pictures to their boyfriend/girlfriend then finding it plastered on social media when they break up (or in one case printed out and stuck up on the walls in the corridors at school)
It is completely different to a written diary kept under your bed.
Messages can be screenshot and sent to others, groups can be made to bully others, pictures can be sent and copied and then shared with other people and once the photos are out there you cannot get them back

Texting can make a relationship seem far more intense than they used to be as you can message all day (and night if parents don't remove phones).
At the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, it's an entirely different world to having the choice of the phonebox down the road or the phone in your hallway that the whole house can hear. People can text in bed, at school, walking down the road. They can have 24/7 contact and it can be scarily easy to be led into sending inappropriate photos, especially as a teen with the 'if you loved me...' pressure. 'I'm not asking for nudes!!! just wrapped in a towel... well you could pull it down a bit...' etc
Every parent of every child who has ended up doing this swore their child would never do that sort of thing, that they had been taught better' They were wrong.

To be honest I think that if a parent is not monitoring their childs phone then they are being neglectful.

At 14, he doesn’t get to have a private internet enabled device. You should have access to all his accounts. It is completely different than having a private journal, diary, or even sending a letter. A mistake he makes on the internet at 14 could haunt him for life. Get his passwords. If he won’t hand them over, cut off his internet access wherever you have that power.

Think of it like taking a toddler swimming. You don’t leave them alone in even a few inches of water. You still take them swimming because it’s a great experience and you want to teach them to do it safely. But you always watch.

Your 14 year old is a toddler who just jumped into the deep end and you have to be there helping him tread while he learns to swim.

To be honest I think that if a parent is not monitoring their childs phone then they are being neglectful.

Totally agree with this

Don't get complacent just because THIS time it was something relatively benign.

I’m incredibly surprised at the number of parents who think it’s ok for their DC to have unchecked use of their mobiles. We’ve just entered this mine field and, while I don’t read everything in detail, I do skim read my DS’s messages and it’s already enabled me to have some v interesting conversations with him about navigating social media.

The group chat he’s in gets v bitchy on occasions (the girls who post seem to be in competition as to who can be the biggest cow ) and there have also been some inappropriate pictures shared that I’ve had to have words with other parents about.

One girl singled my DS out for some particularly unpleasant messages which I was able to help him navigate with a strong message on ignore not retaliate for precisely the reasons outlined above - all this shit could come back to bite him when he’s older .

My DS is 14. He broke his iPhone and we did not replace it with a new iPhone. Instead, we got him a very basic phone that has no internet access, only phone calls and text messages. His friends think his retro phone is "cool" .

His internet access is via his school-issued laptop, which has very strict 'parental' controls in place.

That said, DH checks his messages from time to time, mainly to ensure that he's not being bullied.

I would never read a child's diary, however I feel that checking what they are up to online is essential in safeguarding our children.

@Frexit Happy to read your update - it all sounds innocent enough .

The Breck Bednar story is a good one to teach kids as firstly its a boy - so many people think that grooming only happens to girls. Secondly it was not sexual - it revolved around a gaming server that his friends at school had introduced him to. Third, his parents were aware after a while that something was going on that wasn't good, and actually confiscated his computer - but didn't know that the man who was grooming him had sent him a secret phone.

It shows that it can happen to anyone.
Sadly in this case Breck was murdered.

It can happen in the 'nicest' families with careful parents.

I think it’s probably just a girl & he’s embarrassed

What happened to Breck Bednar was absolutely horrendous and his lovely mum tried so very hard to keep him safe.

I’ve discussed his story with all my kids.
I’ve also done the game where I chat and end up managing to get them to disclose huge amounts of personal info.

Try it with younger kids it’s scary but a real eye opener.
It completely made mine understand why they aren’t allowed to play on Xbox with anyone other than friends.
Kids always say I know about safety and I wouldn’t tell a stranger anything- then play the game and realise how easy it is to be coercive into giving out info.

OP well done for having the convo and showing your DS that you care.
Keep up the stricter rules.