To want to see DS 14’s phone

[Frexit]

DS (14) has recently become very secretive with his phone. Always placing it face down, putting it in airplane mode if he has to leave it charging anywhere so no messages/WhatsApp’s come through, getting really ansty if I ask him who he’s messaging etc.

We were on holiday last week and he spent all the time we were at our cottage in his room, on his phone, usually with headphones in. Occasionally he could be heard talking to someone but not who and when asked lied and told me it was a friend of his which I know it wasn’t because I happened to be in contact with his mum at that moment and I knew her DS was doing an activity. A couple of times he quickly shut it down when I came into the room.

In the past I’ve gone into his phone to look at some of his messaging, particularly at a time when he was having some friendship issues at school. I did this without his knowledge. Now, I have no idea of his password and if I asked to see his phone then I know the answer would be no.

My AIBU is about wanting to know what he’s doing and why he’s being so secretive. It could just be he has a girl he’s in touch with but he denies it. I’m just not sure how to navigate between his right to privacy and my responsibility to check that all is ok and he’s not doing anything dodgy.

I do try and talk to him but just get attitude back. I don’t feel like I can have constructive conversation with him about anything right now.

Is it normal for boys to be so secretive about girls, assuming that that’s what it is? He’s my eldest so no experience of teens to draw on.

I always checked my DD phone until she was 16 and I stopped because I didn't ever feel the need to. She is 17 now and if I was worried about something I would certainly approach it with her.

Previously I would ask for her phone and I would check it with her. I would ask her who people were on social media or if there were lots of messages. I would only read them if I feel there was something of concern. I would also check her pictures.

I felt it was my responsibility as there is so much pressure or kids are so exposed with phones these days. It was a condition of her having a phone.

So I talked to DS again just now. Girl is a friend of one of his friends, goes to sand school, is in sand year. He likes her. He doesn’t know if he will meet her but he’s happy talking to her for now. I didnt tell him id seen the content of the messages but we talked about online content being less inhibited than face to face, that anything he writes could be screenshot and shared, that she might have a nosy mum who reads her messages , that if he’d been honest with me when I asked him who he was messaging and talking too that I wouldn’t have needed to look at his snapchat to find out etc etc He took it all on board. Was one of the best conversations we’ve had recently. His mood is certainly better since he’s been talking to her . So, I feel like I’ve covered the basics and opened the door for more conversations in the near future without pissing him off and him feeling like I’ve trampled over his privacy so I’m going to have a celebratory . He knows too that if it all goes pear shaped he can talk to me if he wants to. Thanks again.

frexit that's great that you where able to talk freely with him.
At that age they get quite embarrassed by boy/girl chats.
I have 2 dd one 16 and one 14 and a ds 11
The 16 year old has had couple off bfs they text away and meet up but she always like to go with someone she already knows.
Dd14 just goes to an odd disco kisses a boy forgets about them. I go through her phone but quite silly chat.
I do look at 16 year olds list of friends but wouldn't read any snaps since she turned 16
I remember her first bf at 15 he was 13 nearly 14 sent her a snap what makes you horny she didn't know what it meant and asked me I died laughing
another one I read was about a bj
I nearly had a fit.
I then had to explain that and put them off for life.
I think the more honest you are the easier it is for them to talk to you.
I always tell mine I don't mind them going with boys as long as they tell me.
My dd is just at the stage where girls are yuk hope that lasts another few years.

That made me laugh mcmen. I’m
Hoping DS will become more open with me as he matures but we’ll see. I recognise I’m going to have to push the agenda with him a bit, it’s unlikely to originate from him. Fingers crossed.

DSIL told me when she was 14 that a boy was messaging her “dirty stuff”. I assumed she meant fairly innocent things about hand holding and snogging. She showed me what was the most filthy and explicit sext I’ve ever seen and now these teenagers terrify me!

He has lied to you, demand to see the contents of his phone

When does the respect for privacy begin?

At 18?

When he pays for his own phone?

With some mothers, I suspect the true answer is "Never".

Yanbu, but good luck demanding access to your ds phone if you haven't up till now. We made that mistake with ds1 who wouldn't let us near his phone, and when he did it was obvious he had deleted nearly everything on it. In the end we cancelled it but he just got his own phone. When Ds2 got a phone we installed apps on it that track everything he does and ig was made clear this was a condition of having a phone.

Privacy? What privacy?! We're talking about a 14 year old child here.

A 14 year old has the right to eat, shit, sleep, study. A 14 year old also has the right to safety. Which requires parental involvement.

Not sure if some of the most recent posters have rtt? I’ve had access to his phone with his knowledge, I found what I needed, I’ve talked to him about it and we are putting things in place to keep a closer eye on his phone activity going forward.