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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see DS 14’s phone

135 replies

Frexit · 12/08/2019 17:23

DS (14) has recently become very secretive with his phone. Always placing it face down, putting it in airplane mode if he has to leave it charging anywhere so no messages/WhatsApp’s come through, getting really ansty if I ask him who he’s messaging etc.

We were on holiday last week and he spent all the time we were at our cottage in his room, on his phone, usually with headphones in. Occasionally he could be heard talking to someone but not who and when asked lied and told me it was a friend of his which I know it wasn’t because I happened to be in contact with his mum at that moment and I knew her DS was doing an activity. A couple of times he quickly shut it down when I came into the room.

In the past I’ve gone into his phone to look at some of his messaging, particularly at a time when he was having some friendship issues at school. I did this without his knowledge. Now, I have no idea of his password and if I asked to see his phone then I know the answer would be no.

My AIBU is about wanting to know what he’s doing and why he’s being so secretive. It could just be he has a girl he’s in touch with but he denies it. I’m just not sure how to navigate between his right to privacy and my responsibility to check that all is ok and he’s not doing anything dodgy.

I do try and talk to him but just get attitude back. I don’t feel like I can have constructive conversation with him about anything right now.

Is it normal for boys to be so secretive about girls, assuming that that’s what it is? He’s my eldest so no experience of teens to draw on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frexit · 12/08/2019 18:21

Or too soft?

OP posts:

SoWhat21 · 12/08/2019 18:21

My DD12 got her phone it was made clear to her that it was hers to use but was our property and as such we have access to it whenever we want to. My fingerprints is one of the ones that unlocks it. I check it regularly as well as having a monitoring app which tells me what what she is using it for. Apps are downloaded only with a password which I have so I know what apps she gets. Under no circumstances is her phone allowed in her bedroom at all especially not at night. It’s left downstairs when she goes to bed each evening. These rules will remain in place until she leaves school.

Lilyofthefields · 12/08/2019 18:23

(It could be a boy).

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 18:23

Personally, I would only allow my 14 year old continued access to a phone on the basis that I can look at whatever I want. Keeps them honest. That doesn’t mean I actually would.

But nudes? Sexting? Sexual bullying? I don’t mean to put the shits up you, but just because your DS knows a girl doesn’t mean everything is kosher.

HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 18:25

He has no right to privacy.

What? Everyone has the right to privacy!

GummyGoddess · 12/08/2019 18:25

You do need to read messages from a girlfriend, you need to protect him from becoming a dad if their relationship is more advanced than you think.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 18:26

What? Everyone has the right to privacy!

Really? Where is that right codified? How is it guaranteed? In the event of a conflict, how is it balanced against the OP’s legal responsibility to protect her son and protect others from him?

HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 18:26

But you do that by talking to him, not by reading his messages. I would have been horrified if my parents had read my private messages at that age.

Lilyofthefields · 12/08/2019 18:27

How do you mean Lily? That if he’s got the right moral code and knows right from wrong it should be ok?

I think that's true to some extent, although I'd say "values and norms". Of course, the point of being a teenager is to rebel against our upbringing to some extent. It's natural to have a different stance to risk, family, identity, friends etc. than we do when we're pre- or post-adolescent.

But I really meant about parenting techniques. So if your child knows you need their passwords at 8 that won't be a surprise at 14. If you always have a chat about their day when you tuck them in at bedtime that will still be established at 14 when you, er, pop in with some clean laundry.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 18:29

HollowTalk

Me too. But it’s not a right. Mobile phones carry a huge amount of responsibility. The OP isn’t doing her DS any favours by giving him total privacy too early.

pudcat · 12/08/2019 18:29

How do you know it isn't drugs? How do you know it is not appropriate photos, or that he is being groomed or co-erced into something bad? If he wont show you his phone take it away.

pikapikachu · 12/08/2019 18:31

What? Everyone has the right to privacy!

14 year olds have some rights to privacy eg getting changed, bathing but not in other ways. Sometimes teens need older people looking out for them. Privacy doesn't override safety. Most people will have done something risky and been lucky when nothing happened but sometimes they aren't lucky and could end up in trouble with the police, seriously hurt or worse.

Lilyofthefields · 12/08/2019 18:32

You do need to read messages from a girlfriend, you need to protect him from becoming a dad if their relationship is more advanced than you think.

What?

MrsMozartMkII · 12/08/2019 18:33

I echo the others - he's a minor, and you pay for the phone.

Just a word to the wise - my DDs are early 20s now, but I remember that a number of their friends all had secret accounts, so parents checking would see only what, on the whole, the child wanted then to see. I had to break the bad news twice to one of their friend's mum about what her child was really up to on SM.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/08/2019 18:33

At 14 he should be leaving it downstairs overnight and putting it aside at mealtimes. Parents should know the password and there should be an agreement that if you have concerns or issues it's handed over immediately when asked.

pikapikachu · 12/08/2019 18:34

But you do that by talking to him, not by reading his messages. I would have been horrified if my parents had read my private messages at that age.

Stuff said on text/online isn't really private even if the sender would like it to be so. This is a really crucial lesson for teens. If they become famous only powerful, what they texted or posted online could bite them on the arse hard.

mcmen71 · 12/08/2019 18:35

frexit My gut on this that it's a romantic thing with a girl or boy.
Can his dad talk to him
He needs the boy girl relationship talk at this age anyway how to respect himself and any girl/boy he is interested in.
He needs to know what is appropriate on phone.
I would have a phone curfew.

CherryPavlova · 12/08/2019 18:36

The responsibility to maintain their safety trumps privacy. No you wouldn’t walk in to a bathroom or bedroom of a teenager if they were uncomfortable about it but far better they whine about a nosey parent than they are subject to serious bullying, they are half of a couple conceiving doing drugs or being pressured to do so or are being naive about downloading photos sent to them by silly teenage girls.

pikapikachu · 12/08/2019 18:37

Totally agree that the stricter a parent is, the more likely that the child will have a secret account.

I have an aquaintance who's a teacher who teachers e-safety amongst other things and claims to have her teen's online activity closely monitored. She's not worked out that the child has 2 extra secret accounts.

SansaSnark · 12/08/2019 18:41

Does he use Snapchat or any other messaging app where the messages aren't automatically saved?

I think if you are worried you need to check, but don't forget to check apps too (e.g. WhatsApp, Instagram dms and so on). I agree with giving him the chance to talk things through with you first.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/08/2019 18:43

Yanbu.
I think a parent should definitely have a access to phones and social media passwords at 14.
It might be easier said than done, no phones here yet, it will be the rules for a first phone.
I don't give DD her PC games passwords I did originally she gave her details to pals in school, they messed around her characters.
Not the biggest crime it thought her a good lesson.

Original poster

Frexit · 12/08/2019 18:44

Ok, I need to prepare myself for a better, more in depth chat. Just to be clear, we’re not totally lax, different rules were in place on our holiday but at home the phone is on charge overnight downstairs and there are never any phones at mealtimes. Also, this is a new concern. This secretiveness and need for privacy. Knowing how immature DS is and what he does socially ie very little, I would be fairly confident this is an innocent new messaging relationship with a romantic element with a girl (or boy) but I appreciate that unless I check I can’t be certain. So I will check and I will, after done further consideration and reading, come up with new rules and whatever tools I need to keep him safe now that he’s older and starting to be more open to outside influences.

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 18:44

I just think that if a 14 year old boy was asked by a girl to send a picture of his dick, he should be able to say, “My mum checks my phone LOL.” It’s a safety mechanism.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/08/2019 18:45

FFS back off. Your DS is a person and therefore he does have a right to privacy. Ignore all the officious bullies with the 'I pay for it therefore I own all your communications' attitude - that's shit parenting. Would you read your DCs' diaries? Make sure he knows the door is open if he wants to talk to you, but otherwise, keep your beak out unless you have real indications that he is involved in something harmful (not just fuckwits whining that it must be drugs or internet porn or something because waaa, the internet.)

Original poster

Frexit · 12/08/2019 18:45

And yes he and his friends all use snapchat so I know I won’t see anything on there

OP posts:

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