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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see DS 14’s phone

135 replies

Frexit · 12/08/2019 17:23

DS (14) has recently become very secretive with his phone. Always placing it face down, putting it in airplane mode if he has to leave it charging anywhere so no messages/WhatsApp’s come through, getting really ansty if I ask him who he’s messaging etc.

We were on holiday last week and he spent all the time we were at our cottage in his room, on his phone, usually with headphones in. Occasionally he could be heard talking to someone but not who and when asked lied and told me it was a friend of his which I know it wasn’t because I happened to be in contact with his mum at that moment and I knew her DS was doing an activity. A couple of times he quickly shut it down when I came into the room.

In the past I’ve gone into his phone to look at some of his messaging, particularly at a time when he was having some friendship issues at school. I did this without his knowledge. Now, I have no idea of his password and if I asked to see his phone then I know the answer would be no.

My AIBU is about wanting to know what he’s doing and why he’s being so secretive. It could just be he has a girl he’s in touch with but he denies it. I’m just not sure how to navigate between his right to privacy and my responsibility to check that all is ok and he’s not doing anything dodgy.

I do try and talk to him but just get attitude back. I don’t feel like I can have constructive conversation with him about anything right now.

Is it normal for boys to be so secretive about girls, assuming that that’s what it is? He’s my eldest so no experience of teens to draw on.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 12/08/2019 18:46

Go into friends Facebook from the one on the phone, check their friends list for a second account.
They usually have both accounts active on a friends page.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 18:47

Would you read your DCs' diaries?

Yes, in my case. If my DD went missing, or tried to harm herself, I would definitely read her diary. She has no right to privacy. I have a responsibility to safeguard her.

HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 18:50

I just think that if a 14 year old boy was asked by a girl to send a picture of his dick

Does this really happen? I thought it would be much more likely to be the other way around?

CherryPavlova · 12/08/2019 18:54

ReanimatedSGB Sadly if you leave it until there are clear and unmissable signs of problems, you’ve probably left it too late. Early intervention, good communication that includes explicit boundaries that protect rather than solve problems are so much more effective than picking up the pieces when harm is done.
We are talking a fourteen year old child not an adult.

Original poster
Frexit · 12/08/2019 18:57

I’ve got to go out now but I’ll be back later. Thank you for everyone’s advice. It’s given me a kick up the bum. And as cherry and others have said I think a big thing is the communication and boundaries. He’s a good kid but that doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable nor immune from doing stupid stuff and making mistakes. I need to ‘parent up’ and educate myself so I can talk to him and try to establish the communication and boundaries better. Thanks again

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 18:59

I did read my daughter's diary once when I was extremely concerned about her. I was right to - she'd got herself into a bit of a mess with someone who was just awful. I had to skip past tons of pages where she vented about me, though Grin

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 12/08/2019 19:00

At 15 I was sleeping with a 28 yr old( I know) I'd definitely want to know why hes being so secretive

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:01

Does this really happen? I thought it would be much more likely to be the other way around?

Of course it happens.

hiddenmnetter · 12/08/2019 19:01

Not quite sure what a right to privacy concretely means. I mean, I know what it means with regards to the state and having a reasonable expectation of privacy in my own house, and of having the right to be able to have private and frank conversations with my wife that no-one may force her to divulge, but I’m not quite sure in the context of a family what it means?

Does a child have the right to have private space? I don’t think even that is a given. They have a right to have a door on their room but if they share a room with a sibling then they’ll probably have to get changed in front of their sibling at some point...if I can’t afford enough rooms for my children not to share, have I breached their right to privacy?

Even parents may have a reasonable expectation to privacy in their bedroom, but having children walk in on you while having sex seems to be more or less a given at some point unless you want a door bolt. Have they breached my right to privacy?

Walking in on someone in the bathroom because they haven’t bothered to use the lock and I didn’t know they were in there?

A right, a concrete right, that I am personally obliged to maintain, for them to have access to secure and private communication? Nah, doesn’t exist. It sounds like it’s some sort of twisted teenagers view watching some American legal drama talking about a right to privacy..doesn’t even exist in the UK as a set of codified rights anyway! (Common law is better).

I agree that as a rule, the older children get the more latitude they should be allowed to carry out their lives without my supervision, until such time as they are independent adults capable of function without my supervision. While they still need my supervision, I see no way for a “right” to privacy to exist. I have an actual legal obligation to protect my children from harm.

ConfCall · 12/08/2019 19:06

I agree with the majority. My DCs knew that I could check their phones if I wanted to, until they were 16+.

I reckon it’s someone he’s keen on OP, rather than drugs or bullying. Try not to worry.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:16

Not quite sure what a right to privacy concretely means.

Bugger all. The ECHR offers you protection from ‘arbitrary’ interference in your private life by the State. That doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t read your emails or listen to your phone calls. They just argue it’s proportionate to the threat of terrorism and therefore not arbitrary.

But teenagers don’t have a right to privacy from their parents. That’s a fictional right.

Hotterthanahotthing · 12/08/2019 19:17

My DD is 16 so has access to her phone at all times,I think I know the password but haven't needed to check this year.
However the new understanding is that if I am concerned (she was depressed and anxious the last few years so I blocked a lot of sites she was on that fed into this) and she didn't explain I block WiFi at home for all but the basics and block her mobile.
She has been OK for a while now,matured and better able to deal with the world so I trust her.
So yes she deserves her privacy but she also deserves s mum to spot when things aren't OK and help.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 12/08/2019 19:17

I just think that if a 14 year old boy was asked by a girl to send a picture of his dick, he should be able to say, “My mum checks my phone LOL.” It’s a safety mechanism.

Never mind dick pics, no self-respecting 14-yo boy has said LOL since about 2006 Grin

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:21

Never mind dick pics, no self-respecting 14-yo boy has said LOL since about 2006

Fair point, well made.

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 12/08/2019 19:28

My DD is younger but my rule when she got her phone was, I had to know her passcode and be able to randomly check it whenever I wanted, and that included all social media and messages. It’s not negotiable for me.

thisnamechanger · 12/08/2019 19:33

Coming from someone who at 14 was getting involved in things her parents would have NEVER believed possible, I really, really wish someone had checked my phone when I was 14 Sad

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/08/2019 19:34

DS1's phone stays downstairs at night time, isn't allowed at the table during mealtimes (nor is anyone else's, much to DH's disgust) and he's generally very open and honest about life in general. He knows I know his passwords to his accounts/phone and he knows I check occasionally. It's not often but every now and then I have a little look and - touch wood - there's never been anything untoward yet.

I think the whole right to privacy is a balancing act; there are areas where I give DS1 privacy and have taught DS2 and DH to respect that (knocking before we go into his bedroom if the door's closed etc). But that line has to be crossed every now and then in order to fully protect them from their own silliness at times, and whilst I do believe teens need privacy, it can be overridden when there's a need to keep them safe.

00100001 · 12/08/2019 19:47

@ReanimatedSGB

A child's safety trumps their 'right' to privacy.

If you're happy to allow your child to have unmonitored internet access at 14...then you need some sort of training...

A kid at 14 might think they're in control or are having a bit of fun... But are being groomed for something.
Or they might have gone so far down an bad street, they're too scared to ask for help...

Or he might just be messaging a girl he likes.

But. I'd rather know and help.

If you think you would still happily say "well, it wasn't for me to check my kids phone, they have a right to privacy you know! " when the police come round your house because your child did something either through choice or coercion.... and you still feel that you shouldn't have once checked what your child was doing...then carry on as you are.

Summersunshine2 · 12/08/2019 19:54

Tough times OP.
Mobile phones and social media are awful for teens. So many more possible mistake to be made.
I think a lot of the replies on here are very naive.
Teens will be very deceptive. Deleting messages, creating fake accounts, using snap chat (WHY was this ever invented?).
You just have to keep talking to them, stressing that nothing disappears on the internet and other parents may be checking friends phones too.
We've been through a couple of incidents but you can only hope they learn from them.
Good luck!

Summersunshine2 · 12/08/2019 20:02

I'm off to covertly check my DS phone now .... bet I'm not the only one!

PositiveVibez · 12/08/2019 20:06

Of course you have the right to check his phone. Especially if he is displaying worrying behaviours that are out of the norm.

His shifty behaviour needs addresing and he IS answerable to you.

dancemom · 12/08/2019 20:15

You don't need to actually read his messages. If you check his phone and you can see he's been messaging someone at the times you have seen him on his phone then that should be enough without you specifically reading the content of the message

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2019 20:19

Breck Bednar was 14 when he was brain washed online then murdered. He's still a child who needs protection.

Graphista · 12/08/2019 20:26

At that age, my rule was unrestricted access to dds phone and SM accounts. I didn't check them particularly often but regularly and it was proven the right thing to do when she was getting some very nasty messages from a supposed friend and I uncovered a "mean girls" dynamic in her close friendship group that took bloody months to sort! And that's the least worrying possibility!

She was still a child that needed protecting and as I was paying the bill, it was either I had access or she had no phone!

There's far too much risk for them from low level bullying to them being sucked into meeting up with a psychopathic killer!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/MurderoffBreckBednar

And everything in between.

It's your job as his parent to protect and guide him on safe use of such an item.

Take the phone off him NOW don't give him chance to delete stuff, also educate yourself - there are apps designed to look like innocuous things like calculators that are actually messaging apps! There's also the fact many teens have multiple accounts on the regular platforms - one being "safe" for parents to view, the others not so much. They're generally not Bond villain level at secrecy though so often use easily "cracked" alternative names for those accounts. They also tend to have themselves as "friends" so they can easily check other accounts without having to keep signing out/in to the different accounts.

"It’s definitely not drugs" yea cos parents NEVER get that wrong!

Even if your suspicions are correct it's more romance related, it could be a man or woman as opposed to a boy or girl. Boys can be vulnerable to inappropriate advances by adults too.

The thing I find most amusing about my dds accounts is the fact that there's a ridiculous majority of them with the same names! Clearly the parents round here have little imagination - seriously over 100 of each sex with the same names!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/08/2019 20:33

Honestly: back the fuck off. if teenagers are more anxious and unhappy these days, meddling, nosy parents who spy on them and insist on policing all their social activity are part of the problem - continual surveillance is bad for mental health (and one of the reasons so many people in the UK are anxious, scared and irritable).

You teach your DC self-respect, respect for others, healthy boundaries etc by talking to them, not by sticking your nose in where you have no business.