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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 12/08/2019 11:43

YABU.

If you can't afford to pay the bills you need to get a job not consider spending your children's inheritance. I find it jaw dropping that you need strangers to tell you this.

Illberidingshotgun · 12/08/2019 11:43

So from what you have said, it sounds like:

  1. Your DH was left a sum of money by his Mum, and he voluntarily gave control over this money to his Dad. Some of this money was used to pay off your previous mortgage.
  1. Your Mum left a sum of money to each of your children. This is also controlled by your FIL.

Were there any conditions attached to the money left to your children - eg it was left in trust to them until they are 18/21/25 etc? If so, I don't see how you could access this money to fund your lifestyle. Even if there are no conditions attached, this would be extremely worrying that you would consider using their money, which should be saved for their futures. You would have to ask them for their permission, and at their ages I would doubt that they have the capacity and the understanding to make this decision.

Your DH's money is exactly that - his money. Has he said if he wishes to use his money to pay the current bills? What does he anticipate doing with the money? I do find it concerning that he has money that he cannot freely access though. I hope he is able to regularly check the account and monitor any activity.

I think you have to discount the money entirely, and focus on the issue - that you have purchased a house that you cannot currently afford to run. What are the options:

  1. Sell the house and move to something smaller
  2. You work more hours to support the household (and your DH accept that he will have to pull his weight in the home)
  3. Do you have a spare room that you could rent out?

Regardless, you and your DH need to sit down and work together on solving this issue.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 11:44

This is ridiculous and I am not biting.

You are saying the kids will likely lose out and not get enough attention, based on some people you know.

But dont want sahm, judged on people others know?

Its ridiculous to judge anyone based on a couple of peoples situations, just because you know they struggle.

AllFourOfThem · 12/08/2019 11:45

How did you manage before? If the new house has costs you cannot afford, would you not be better off moving to somewhere smaller where you can afford the outgoings?

You could also get an evening or weekend job in a local supermarket or similar. That won’t interfere with the school run or holidays but would bring extra money in. Since your DH wants you to work, I can’t see why he would object to covering all the childcare during this time and it wouldn’t be for many more years.

Butterymuffin · 12/08/2019 11:46

So much more information needed here! Lots more about this pension and what it's actually worth, for a start. And what the will actually said.

It might well be that it would not be worth the OP working, if she ended up in a poorly paid job outweighed by the costs of wrap around childcare plus holiday clubs out of term time and so on. But you've put it in terms of the 'disruption' to your children of primary age - who would probably enjoy breakfast club - which does, unfortunately, come across as sounding like a poor excuse for avoiding work on your part.

WowThatsSoCool · 12/08/2019 11:46

I cannot get this money out of my head

Why can’t you get it out of your head? It’s NOT your money, it has been left to your children NOT you.

I would never even think of trying to get my hands on my DCs inheritance.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/08/2019 11:46

Is your marriage secure ? Maybe DH wants out and doesn’t want inheritance as part of severance
Or maybe he just really wants you to get s job?
I know it’s scarey and hard to go back to work but a big inheritance is not to be frittered away on keeping you at home but in securing your future with s but to let mortgage or similar

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:46

From observation of friends who have done the "family responsibilities" for a number of years their DH's rarely step up to do their share when the women take on more paid work.

Exactly. There is not a chance I would be running myself into the ground doing a stressful, low paid job AND the bulk of everything else while my DH sat on a fortune without any explanation of why he wouldn’t use it to support his family.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:47

Wishihad

It isn’t, because there is the logic of time. Obviously the more you have to do, the less time you have. 🤷🏻‍♀️

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:48

And yet you want to judge what's right by a couple of families you know hmm

I haven’t said right, wrong or anything else.

Everanewbie · 12/08/2019 11:49

Illberidingshotgun

I don't see how you could access this money to fund your lifestyle. Even if there are no conditions attached, this would be extremely worrying that you would consider using their money, which should be saved for their futures. You would have to ask them for their permission, and at their ages I would doubt that they have the capacity and the understanding to make this decision.

Your DH's money is exactly that - his money. Has he said if he wishes to use his money to pay the current bills? What does he anticipate doing with the money? I do find it concerning that he has money that he cannot freely access though. I hope he is able to regularly check the account and monitor any activity.***

Exactly!!!! Irrespective of opinions on childcare, work ethic and savings, the children's money cannot be in the discussion. Legally, morally, or anything else.

Original poster
BonyPony · 12/08/2019 11:49

There are a lot of emotional issues tied up in the money. Initally, DH wanted to spend it because MIL died without benefitting from it so we moved house and had a dream holiday. Now, his grief has lessened / reality has struck and he's stressed that we've over-reached ourselves. Our financial planning included using his inheritance but FIL is stopping the tap, on his and kid's money.
I have my own issues. My own mother was disabled and always at home until she died when I was 18. I am terrified of childcare and desperate to avoid it for my kids.
I'm also terrified of taking on more hours. I am a fairly rubbish housewife and we get by on a wing and a prayer. If I mess up, my kids will suffer. I don't think DH will step up so that won't be fun.
Our money goes on the mortgage for the new house, bills and the kids. We can't actually afford to move again and if we cut back, it's on stuff for the kids.
And more money than I could ever earn by working is just sitting there now...

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 12/08/2019 11:50

PMSL at running yourself into the ground - her kids are 10+ a part time job plus getting everyone to participate in running the house is hardly running herself into the ground and certainly not worth spending her kids bloody inheritance on !!!

Gamble66 · 12/08/2019 11:51

After your update - go to work - get a cleaner - get counceling.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 11:51

It isn’t, because there is the logic of time. Obviously the more you have to do, the less time you have.

Yes. And there time to do it all. You just have to plan and be organised. It's not difficult.

There is not a chance I would be running myself into the ground doing a stressful, low paid job AND the bulk of everything else while my DH sat on a fortune without any explanation of why he wouldn’t use it to support his family.

The dh isnt sat on a fortune. The OP wants to use her kids money. Which suggests there isnt that much money, under his seat.

Unless you really think OP thinks it better to choose to spend her kids lonely, instead of this fortune her dh is sat on.

If he has a fortune left, why would the kids money even be up for debate

The debate would be 'should we spend his/our inheritance on me staying at home'

The kids money wouldnt be an issue at all.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:52

PMSL at running yourself into the ground - her kids are 10+ a part time job plus getting everyone to participate in running the house is hardly running herself into the ground and certainly not worth spending her kids bloody inheritance on !!!

MN has always done a special line in women who can do everything without breaking a sweat. I am not one of them. I am not going to pretend to be so I can participate in this flaming of a woman who sounds a bit more on my side of domestic competence and a bit less Doctor Who.

lonelyheartsclubband · 12/08/2019 11:52

Hang on, but if you borrow that money for the short term you're still going to be in the same predicament and need to borrow again? Get a job within school hours, extra childcare won't hurt, people do it all the time and survive. I make your husband right in allowing FIL to be in charge of the inheritance. At this rate, there would be nothing left for your children. Just work.

GrouchoMrx · 12/08/2019 11:52

I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.

If your MIL had only realised that if she had left you all the money directly, you would never have to get a job again.

How thoughtless of her. Hmm

longearedbat · 12/08/2019 11:52

There really isn't enough information from the op. If it's a monthly sum, where did the lump sum to pay off the mortgage originate? Did fil use his own money or money HE had inherited to pay this off?
I hope he (fil) is financially savvy, because it would be a right pickle if he died and the money is in his name.
However, I think the op should get a job and the money saved for the children. It's very easy to fritter money away.
I also think the op's h should be managing the money, not the fil.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 11:53

*The dh isnt sat on a fortune. The OP wants to use her kids money. Which suggests there isnt that much money, under his seat.

Unless you really think OP thinks it better to choose to spend her kids lonely, instead of this fortune her dh is sat on.

If he has a fortune left, why would the kids money even be up for debate*

Although I have asked, it hasn’t been made clear how much/what proportion of the available money belongs to her DH. I wouldn’t spend my kids’ money.

Everanewbie · 12/08/2019 11:53

BonyPony I appreciate what your saying. No judgement here on your situation. But the kids money is completely out of bounds to you. You may as well rob someone of the money. Your DH's share though is up for discussion as to how you live and fund your life.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 11:53

FIL is stopping the tap on his and the kids’ money

Don’t you get it? It’s the kids’ money, not yours! Why should that “tap” ever be turned on except to give the money directly to your children?

Your DH’s money is different though. I sincerely doubt that your FIL has a legal right to withhold it. I suspect your DH is conveniently blaming FIL to hide his own reluctance to spend it.

BogglesGoggles · 12/08/2019 11:55

Is there something wrong with you that you can’t earn decent money? You have been a SAHP for years. You could have retrained by now. Unless there are millions sitting in that account you should be able to earn it in ten years. Don’t be so lazy. You are clearly frightened of a lot of things and are just making up excuses to use money which you have no right to in order to avoid your fears. Your kids really don’t need a SAHM, if anything they would benefit more from having two hard working parents. If you don’t have any qualifications then go and get some, you clearly have a lot of free time on your hands.

snowgirl1 · 12/08/2019 11:55

I think you should get a job and share the household responsibilities and school drop-offs/pick-ups with your DH.

MidweekObscurity · 12/08/2019 11:55

A pp made a good but difficult point to consider about the money being protected in divorce. I also wonder if the purchase of the new house has left the OP financially vulnerable, if it's in trust etc.