About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

So fil is tapping the money because you and dh spent a fortune pissi g the money away. Taking on another mortgage you cant really afford.

Your dh recognises that both of you make bad financial decisions. So handed control to his dad.

Your kids money shouldnt be tapped at all. It's good that fil is preventing you spending it.

You being terrified of childcare is your issue and not logical.

Your dh has to do more at home. Thats just how it is. If you have kids of 10 and above and can only just manage with 6 hours a day freeze during term time, then something needs to change.

You and your dh made poor financial decisions. You need to step up and help out financially. Making more poor financial decisions will not help in the long run

Especially when the minsey isnt yours to risk.

Is there something wrong with you that you can’t earn decent money? You have been a SAHP for years. You could have retrained by now.

Oh now there is something ‘wrong’ with people with low earning power. We’ve got it all now. 🙄

If you start working you won’t be a housewife anymore, so make that clear to your husband that he will have to contribute more to running of the household. I don’t understand why you can’t at least look for a job that is only a couple of hours a week. If I’m honest it comes across as you trying to convince yourself when actually you just don’t want to work

Oh and the situation will be same in a year. Finding running tebvjosue stressful

So if you cant dorn how, you cant work then

Oh now there is something ‘wrong’ with people with low earning power. We’ve got it all now.

Really, in this thread you have claimed working parents cant give their kids enough attention.

The OP has known for years that they have been in a poor financial position. She could have planned and used the time the kids were at school to help sort those issues.

Rather than sitting back wishing she could take her kids money.

I cant help wonder if OP and her dh have made poor decisions knowing this money would come in eventually. So not planned well at all.

OP, you Have not been clear about the inheritance.
Was there a lump sum that went to your DH and children as named in a will? If so, that money should be in accounts in the recipients names, and your FIL should not have any control over it. Have you actually seen the will? Or are you just going off what you have been told?
Are they now getting monthly pension payments? Unless your MIL had an amazing pension, this won't be very much, but again it should be being paid into your DCs accounts. I'd be surprised if your DH is also getting monthly payments though. Either way, the money does not belong to you.
As for returning to work, if you can afford to be a SAHM being supported by your DH, and he wants that too, then that's your business. Saying your children will suffer if you go to work is utter crap and an insult to the millions of working women out there. What you actually mean is you will no longer have the cushy life you currently have with 30 plus free hours a week to do whatever you want whilst your DH has fuck all free time.
You need to keep your hands off their money, it's not yours.

She could have planned and used the time the kids were at school to help sort those issues.

Well, she didn’t. They are where they are and her DH was a 50/50 partner in getting them there. If the OP was sitting on her bum eating M&Ms for ten years then I have less sympathy for her, but I expect she was cooking, cleaning, shopping, on the school run, doing admin and generally making her DH’s life easier, so he needs to own that now.

What kind of experience / qualifications do you have OP? What sort of job could you get, or would you like to train to do?

am a fairly rubbish housewife and we get by on a wing and a prayer.
You're not the only one. I would be a terrible housewife, and I'm much better at my job, so I work full time and DH and I share the pain of trying to keep the house in order. Maybe that (and paying for a cleaner) would actually be a better way for you too?

If I mess up, my kids will suffer.
As a pp said, counselling would benefit you. You seem very fearful of the unknown and of getting things wrong while being unwilling to deviate from your own preferred path. It would help to talk that through. And be money better spent!

Initally, DH wanted to spend it [...]so we moved house and had a dream holiday. Now, his grief has lessened / reality has struck and he's stressed that we've over-reached ourselves

So DH wanted to step up the lifestyle? Then he needs to either talk to his FiL and get his own inheritance or step up at home and take on his share of running the home/family so that you can work more hours.

But OP you need to understand what your own situation is financially with the new house and for the future. You come across as lacking in confidence and deferring to his financial decisions - maybe its just the posting style but you may benefit from working outside the home more in terms of self confidence and independence.

And more money than I could ever earn by working is just sitting there now

But it's not yours

Stealing from your children's share is absolutely not on. Shame on you for even raising this as a possibility.

Your husband's share is up for discussion as a couple. But his blessing is required if it's to fund you doing nothing.

If your husband is not willing to fund you to stay at home you will have to get a job.

Soontobe60 would help if OP clarified, however pensions that have not been converted to an annuity can be passed on to decedents and provide lump sums and/or income. Sounds like this to me.

If the FIL is the guardian/trustee of the children's share then thank god. At least someone is protected the children's inheritance. Whilst the OP must find it galling that her kids have money stashed away while she is being forced to work, (sorry about the caps) IT IS NOT HER MONEY, IT IS NOT HER MONEY. She has no more right to it than the bloke up the road who sweeps his drive every day.

@Ponoka7

I have not always worked in the NHS and I don’t anymore either. I’m not advocating everyone join the NHS. I listed loads of other jobs

I have been:
A barmaid
A waitress
A cleaner of offices (5-8pm evenings, £10ph)
Worked in shops
Reception work
Worked in a car garage
Worked in soft play

The minimum wage is £8.21ph. You don’t even pay tax under £12,500, so you get to keep most of what you earn.

Most town centres have shops, cafes and supermarkets. If you live very rurally it’s going to be an issue

You could work in tescos 15 hours a week and earn approx £120 a week. Of those house, some could fall in the evening or weekend when your husband is home.

Nothing is impossible at all, except what you want to be impossible. The agreement they had then doesn’t stand anymore. Things change.

Is the inheritance in trust or does it have conditions attached?

I have to say that I do think you and possibly your family by extension would benefit from you taking on a job with more hours. Your ability to explain things is somewhat compromised and I really think that you would personally benefit from being in the workplace. The fact that you describe yourself as being "terrified" of various normal everyday things, such as childcare and so on also indicates that you are a little bit afraid of going out into the world.

Also, if you can't afford to run your own house and pay for your own children with your husband, you should probably work to earn more money. Plenty of parents do. It is not a terrifying thing.

At one point, you suggested that you would take money from the inheritance from the children and then pay it back when they were older when you worked. This is clearly nonsense.

I think what is likely if you got access to the inheritance, that you would simply need more and more top ups until there wasn't much left and there wasn't much to show for it. You're very fortunate to have had an inheritance but I don't think your attitude towards financial responsibility is great so I think you would completely waste whatever more money you took from it.

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

This sounds very childlike. I really think you should get a regular job with more hours and get more experience of the real world of adult responsibility.

How is your FIL "stopping the tap" is the crucial question?

As many of us have mentioned, if the money for your DC is in trust, and he is acting as trustee, then he is doing exactly as he should. I'll ask again - is the money in trust, until what age, and is he trustee?

How is he preventing your DH from accessing his money, which presumably he has directly inherited?

What sort of work does your dh suggest you do?

Just read your update OP. When you moved house you would have been assessed on the affordability for the mortgage you took on the new property. I.e. Your DH s salary as you were not working. So why can you no longer afford it?
I would suggest to your DH that you look into returning to college to train for a career you could do as soon as your children are all at secondary school. Courses fit in very well around childcare, and it will mean you increase your earnings potential in the long term. Don't rely in your DH to support you eternally, OP, it sounds like he already resents having to do that now!

but I expect she was cooking, cleaning, shopping, on the school run, doing admin and generally making her DH’s life easier, so he needs to own that now

Yes I agree.
OP doesn't think he will step up and take his share on the home front so lets see him step up and show how he is going to contribute to the home. He wanted the more expensive lifestyle, he has to own that and not just expect the OP to cover the shortfall without pulling his own weight.

I honestly think MN should delete this post. Horrible

No where near as horrible as wanting to spend your kids inheritance so you don't need to work.

Yabu. Get a job/better job, your kids are old enough and have always been.

True though!

Don't mean to be harsh but if the money is left to DH & kids then it's up to DH if he wants dad to manage the account.

Spending the money rather than getting a job will see you in a worse position in the future, with no financial backup and further from work.

It would be much better to pretend the money doesn't exist. And perhaps if DH / fil found a way to invest it well (in property?) or put it in a high interest account, that way it might actually benefit the kids in future.

OP has said her own mother stayed at home with them till she was 18 and then her mother died. Seems clear to me that has had a profound effect on OP's feelings about working and using childcare. No need to troll hunt.