About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

Downsizing is not always an obvious way of saving. They would have just paid stamp on the recent move. Now will have to pay another stamp duty, plus solicitors fees, surveys and any renovations etc.

You don’t appear to be too bright and sadly the money would soon be gone if you had your way.

Move to house you can afford.

I am hypothesising that based on what OP has said, MIL had a pension (A SIPP is just a type of pension, with a wider selection of investment options). She registered an expression of wish with the provider stating 25% to the 3 kids plus 25% to DH. This is treated differently to a pension that was taken out by DH, or on behalf of the children, with which 55 is when pension benefits can be accessed.

I interpreted it that FIL had put the children's inheritance from MIL into a Junior SIPP. And I thought that with a Junior SIPP the child couldn't access the funds until they reach 55, but I only really know what catches my eye in the money pages of the Guardian!

If my recollection is correct, the DC's SIPPs won't be able to be used for uni fees or a house deposit while they're still young. And if house prices continue to outperform most other investments, that deposit might end up being quite small by the time they come to buy!

How can you have thousands of contractual expenditure each month? What was the plan regarding moving and taking on a mortgage when you were mortgage free? Do you and DH have savings or pensions?

So basically you can't give up the stuff that's costing, or you don't want to give it up?

Are you sure, as in entirely sure, there is nothing you can cut down on?

Is it basically a certain amount & you'll be sorted? As in you're giving up what's costing you what you can't afford?

As you've not really said, I will check our finances to see if we can save. You're still adamant that it's between you working & in your words traumatising the children for life, so their money would go on counselling to rectify this. Or you basically say to DH look at their faces, do you really want to do this to your DC or will you speak to FIL?

How old is the eldest?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, we're sorting stuff for retirement, we looked at everything and realised we must be able to cut down somehow. Not only that other friends have been in crap situations, they've realised that Amazon Prime, Netflix, holidays, treats aren't a necessity.

Sure we'd all love to shop at M&S, realistically we could, but it doesn't make economic sense.

There does seem to be this middle ground of if you want to essentially be a housewife, some sacrifices are necessary. Otherwise the pot will be empty, you'll have a real emergency, then you'll be panicking.

This thread has helped me, despite all the crying. We are short each month of £××××, mainly due to pre-existing contracts that we can't get out of.

A lot of companies will let customers switch to a cheaper contract if you're "experiencing hardship" OP. I've managed to get things like Sky more than halved for clients, and downgraded mobile phone contracts, usually by starting off saying the client wants to cancel.

If you are unable to do that, I'd suggest diarising when all the contracts, insurances etc are due for renewal so that you can shop around for the best deal (comparison sites are brilliant). I managed to reduce one client's regular outgoings (apart from rent) by a third, and they weren't massive to start with.

There's loads of good advice online (and on here, in the money section) about saving money. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you could halve the shortfall between income and outgoings. I reduced our outgoings by 15% a couple of years ago, and we already live very frugally, with no debt, not even a mortgage.

I don't think you have to downsize, I think you have to prioritise what is important. Unless you have a secret money tree sapling, DH is likely worried that if he gives in now there won't be any money, as he's pressured into dipping into the pot.

Yes I'd go as far as he's spoke with his Dad who has said why can't she work more?

His Dad isn't a bad guy if he paid off your mortgage, plus paid for an amazing holiday. He's thinking, we didn't slave away for a lifetime it all to be blown in 5 minutes.

Yep. If dad paid off your mortgage and has paid for holidays with his own money, he's not the bad guy here.
To be honest, if I'd tried to help my child by paying off their mortgage, I'd be annoyed if they then went out and got another one and got into proper debts again.

Forget the inheritance. It's tied up in a long term investment. You have to think short term, now.

*How can you have thousands of contractual expenditure each month?i

I’m guessing private healthcare. Cars on finance. Insurance. It all adds up.

Yes, responding to having their mortgage paid off by immediately upsizing and getting another mortgage they clearly can’t afford is really very odd.
FIL probably knows full well how long the inheritance would last if it was released.

In answer to your question, yes, upend our lives and get more hours.

If the children are traumatised by switching to this very normal way of living then you have done a bad job raising them. Seriously. This is so normal it is almost comical. SAHP of children gets job and
wrap around childcare when children are in primary school. I can think of dozens of people I know personally who did exactly this. You children will know loads of other children in similar arrangements. You can quiz other parents on which childminders, after school clubs, holiday clubs are good and might have spaces.

I’m guessing private healthcare. Cars on finance. Insurance. It all adds up.

And it can all be got rid of or reduced significantly. But we're all guessing really aren't we?

You sound so determined to get your hands on dh’s money and/or the kids. Fil sounds lovely, pays off your mortgage, sees you get another and sees that you’re shit with money and too lazy to get a job so figured he’ll look after the money so at least his grandkids will be ok

OP this is no help regarding the inheritance situation but i was a SAHM until my youngest started school. We have our own business and i intended to work 2 or 3 days a week but after the recession we had to make someone redundant and i now need to do 5 days a week (although not always full days). I dont have any family nearby (my mum died when DS was 1) so they have had to go to childminders/afterschool club. My DS enjoys it when friends are there. Holidays are harder but its a neccessity to keep our business going and pay the bills.

You know what OP? Kids adapt to change. My DS was with me full time until recently when I put him in nursery a couple of mornings a week. The world hasn't ended. You appear to be using the argument that your kids have never been cared for by anyone else and 'aren't keen' as an excuse to avoid stepping up yourself.

I actually found i am way more organised about housework now i am working longer because there is a smaller amount of time to fit it all in. When i was at home i was better at putting it off!

I actually found i am way more organised about housework now i am working longer because there is a smaller amount of time to fit it all in.

Oh definitely, the saying, "The work expands to fit the time available", is very true in many areas of life, housework being one of them.

Op but you were given £x to pay off your previous mortgage yet are still in financial difficulty despite you having said your husbands career is doing well. Honestly you're really at risk of sounding entitled (ie) you've had help and now expect more.

For goodness sake op, you're still after the money.

I'm assuming you've got so many "contracts" because you live well beyond your means, phones, cars, things on interest free credit, loans, credit card bills.

You need to grow up and take financial responsibility. Stop sticking your hand out and demanding more. Are you shit with money because rhe pair of you think if you fight your father in law enough he will keep giving you hand outs.

Are you not embarrassed? Two adults. Behaving like this.

How are you meeting the shortfall of four figures currently? Credit cards and loans?

I can’t get my head around somehow managing to knowingly stretch yourself so thin you now overspent by £1k + per month with one income

But I know this is because you both assumed the inheritance was an income too. Agree with everyone saying get real financial advice re DH inheritance

It is true that some people who inherit pay for their lifestyle with their income, this is usually people who have an inheritance or trust fund of millions - like Tamara Ecclestone who doesn’t have a specific income/job (although she has worked) her life is largely funded by the money her parents have given her. I can see why you assumed the same. But only 25% of it belongs to an adult anyway and I think you see that now

You do need to unpick how you got here, and work backwards to the solution. If you have cars on finance the DC are not going to be traumatised if you downsize them. Be honest with what you took on before you had any money in your hands

I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.

Why can you not take solace in the fact that the money IS there!! My god it’s a better set up than a lot of ppl have!! We are mortgage free and own two properties and have ample amounts of savings. BUT I work!! My dh works! We budget and live within our means!! I slept easy knowing that we have assets and money for IF/WHEN the REAL shit hits the fan. It’s not rocket science!! Get yourself a proper job and sort it out as best you can!! Maybe FIL won’t give you the money because he sees you are not trying hard enough to climb out of your own hole!! Perhaps if he sees you trying more he may change his mind and help out??!!

You do not spend your capital, that is how commerce works and people get richer which enables them to enjoy an improved standard of living. Once you start on the capital it is a downward slope.

Op, I do understand your reluctance to put your children in childcare. Could you look into working unsocial hours, like weekends or nights? The pay could be better too?
I think people who don't understand the anxiety and reluctance to leave your most precious little people with strangers, who scoff and judge, can't possibly have the empathy to know or feel any different. Some of the commenters on here are vicious. If it comes to it though, know you will be OK, they will be OK, and you will all adjust. Does your school have the option for after school club? They'd be together at least, and they'd already be familiar with the teachers, so no new strangers.

But @PieAndPumpkins can't you understand most of the critics have had to leave much younger children with strangers because we have no choice about working? Am sure nobody would want to leave their 10 week old in childcare but needs meant I had to do I could afford rent and nappies... it isn't ideal for OP and it certainly wasn't for me either, but we do what we need to do and if OP thinks her presence is THE important thing then the family need to make optional cutbacks to facilitate that choice