About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

The OP states that the money was willed to her DH and her DC.

The title specifically mentions the children's inheritance. Then OP has the elaborated further by saying she will try and pay the children back.

It's pretty clear, that it's the children's inheritance that she is talking about.

woman willing to raise three kids then stuff washing machines full of other people’s knickers

You’re acting like this is some sort of mind blowing task.

It’s very possible to do this and work too. Most people do it.

Getting back to the point, it seems that due to poor financial planning, OP can’t afford to be a SAHP anymore.

She sees her best option to be taking from her children’s inheritance.

I think someone who would consider such desperate - and immoral - lengths to avoid work has some very serious issues going on.

OP, I think maybe park the job hunting for a bit and seek counselling for your extreme anxiety about the workplace.

What’s mysterious about the nest egg when op herself seems quite clear that it was willed to the children?

woman willing to raise three kids then stuff washing machines full of other people’s knickers while husband sits on mysterious nest egg.

No mysterious egg nest though is there.

It's the children's money she wants to use. Suggesting he either has non left, or he does and she doesnt care just thinks it's her right to spend the kids money.

How about 'wanted: man to go out to work so that I get 30 hours a week to do what I want. Must not moan about me going each to works even when kids are older and if we need money, must be willing to screw over our children to get it.'

@herculepoirot2

Look, we all recognise that there are plenty of SAHP, both men and women, where it works for them and their families. That's a given.

I frankly fail to understand why you're so vehemently defending the indefensible.

THEY CANT AFFORD IT.

Or they can in the short term but only if they RAID THE CHILDREN'S INHERITANCE.

What don't you get?

I have read this thread and find it a bit mind boggling. It is absolutely mundanely normal for a woman to take some time out of the workplace when the children are small, then go back to work as they get older. Just about everyone I know has done a version of this, but on this thread a poster seems to think it is a mad imposition for a mother to ever be expected to take on paid employment (note: OP does voluntary work, so it is the paid bit that is the problem).

Honestly, OP, leaving the background noise aside, it really is very usual for a woman in your positon to work at least part time. Just about everyone does. It is not scary, mad or unreasonable, it is just normal life for most families. Just forget your children's inheritence, it is a red herring, and start finding your way back into the world of work. It will make you happier than pining after money that was never really yours.

@TheNavigator

You pick up on an interesting point that the OP apparently does a considerable amount of volunteering yet is unwilling to find work that actually pays.

What’s even odder is that she would rather spend her children’s inheritance than give up some of the volunteering and find paid work.

The mind boggles.

@AhNowTed @TheNavigator

I feel like you as well - I absolutely don't understand why anyone is defending someone being unwilling to contribute in a more necessary way based on the family's needs changing?!

The title of this thread says it all. Totally agree it's absolute madness that people are defending the OP actively choosing not to try paid work, even though the family's outgoings are too much for their income. Why on earth should she get a free pass?

Oh and shock horror - families with working parents also "raise children" and do the washing... what world are people living in where adults should live off their children's inheritance (as per HER thread title) rather than going to work?!

Am I missing something?! It is totally fine to be a SAHP if your family can afford it - totally fine! But if your family can't then it's up to both adults involved to find a way of working that means they can manage their outgoings.

Does anyone really think the washing doesn't get done / meals don't get made / kids don't get to school if both parents are working either full OR part time?! Of course all these things still get done!

Does anyone really think the washing doesn't get done / meals don't get made / kids don't get to school if both parents are working either full OR part time?! Of course all these things still get done!

Clearly some people dont think it does, or does at the expense of the children getting adequate attention.

Let's not even get on to how the hell to do single parents manage to work and look after their kids. Some pps must think we really drag our kids up.

Nothing like tjecnention of an inheritance or a “SAHM to school-aged DC” to bring MN out in force

I don’t think anyone has argued she should spend the DC inheritance (have they)? So we can all agree to agree on that!

What does annoy me is people who come in proclaiming from on high that there is no need to be there when secondary school DC come home from school. I disagree with this - in fact, I think if there is ever a year to be there if you can, it’s Year 7! You can get a childminder to help a little one with their spellings or whatever. You can’t pay someone enough to deal with teen bullying, mental health, insecurity, internet influence, academic support and so on. As someone who has been a SAHM to three DC who are now 11, 14 and 16, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s been more important to be around during the teen years than the primary. And my kids aren’t particularly dramatic!

Having said this, I realise it’s not an option for many families and also that many women wouldn’t choose to SAH even if it was an option. But all I would say is don’t dismiss or try and mock something from a position of no experience.

I can’t believe that anyone would prefer to spend her children’s inheritance rather than go back to work. There’s nothing you can say that will make this a sensible idea.
The situation has now surfaced that being a sahp is no longer financially viable for you, just go and get a job. It’s that simple. Your children’s inheritance is not yours to spend.

Exactly @Wishihad

And I feel really pissed when people use "house management" as a reason they can't work.

Please note I'm saying can't, not don't.
If you don't want to work and can afford not to that's totally fine I have NO problem with it at all, but don't make out that working parents are somehow lesser than.

I remember a conversation where a SAHP listed "insurance, MOTs, holiday and school trip planning" as three of the "household management" activities that kept them too occupied to work even part time. Their family was drowning in debt, husband was grafting his arse off in a stressful and physical job and both children were of school age.

I was so shocked at her utter entitlement I didn't even know where to start!

@virginmojito

Having said this, I realise it’s not an option for many families and also that many women wouldn’t choose to SAH even if it was an option. But all I would say is don’t dismiss or try and mock something from a position of no experience.

I agree with you - but it's the difference between can't and won't. OP can and needs to, but won't. Again, no problem at all with either parent staying at home if they can afford to - I think it's lovely! And I would like to for the first couple of years when I'm a mum.

And it doesn't sound like the following is the case with you, so thank you But many SAHMs on MN seem to very much look down on working parents or make out they can't possibly be looking after their kids or getting everything done.

The fact washing and cleaning are reasons not to work seem crazy when clearly these things are done by working families too! It often feels like snarky martyrdom and a refusal to see from the other side or accept it just isn't an option for many, many families.

Like I said I'm not saying this about you personally, just responding to explain not all of us who find the OPs attitude baffling are down on SAHPs in principle at all!

Surely if FIL was made executor by MIL, and the 3 DC are beneficiaries alongside DH. Then FIL couldn't legally hand over the remaining money to DH anyway? He would need to demonstrate he'd followed MIL wishes that the 3DC are going to benefit from their share (DH has already had his by the sounds of it). The children aren't going to financially benefit from their mum being a SAHP for another potential 5-10yr, nor from their DP's having more disposable cash. Your DH could 'fight it' but what's he going to say? 'We're living above our financial means after buying a bigger house, and BonyPony doesn't like the idea of working more than 5hrs a week so we'd like to enjoy spending the rest of the money now please'...

Please don’t spend your children’s inheritance. That’s an awful thing to do. You won’t be able to pay it back. Your children will resent you.

You need to look at your finances. How much of the inheritance went on paying off your mortgage? That may have been the bulk of your husband’s share? Why ant you afford the new house, you must have had a massive deposit if you owned your last house outright.

Your fil and husband seem to be giving you the message hat his isn’t your money, could your husband be considering divorce and trying to keep you away from his inheritance. If you want to spend the children’s money as well, maybe is is frightened to give you any access?

From the OP

"I don't want to fritter away their inheritance but I think the disruption to them of me doing more hours is more harmful than borrowing some money now that I can give them back in a few years when I'll be able to do more hours."

Sorry OP but this is just ridiculous.

Yes your plan as it were is to fritter away their inheritance.

You doing more hours is normal in the majority of households and your kids will survive.

'Borrowing' is a disingenuous phrase as by your own admission you couldn't pay it back.

It's all just an excuse. I understand you have some anxiety, but you're educated to degree level (I wish I was!), you volunteer, so you need to refocus and help your DH bring in some money into the household.

A job. Any job.

Yes he needs to step up and do his fair share.

But your family circumstances mean you need a job, unpalatable and all as it is.

Without minute details about how this inheritance was to be distributed I still don't understand how FIL has the right to control it. Your DH should clearly not have allowed him control of it.

It sounds like a fair amount of money. Half could be put away for kids future and your DH could use the other half to make your lives more comfortable if he was so minded HOWEVER the fact that he has this money doesn't give you the right to sit and rub your hands together and dream about never working again. His parents didn't save for it to be frittered away.

And to say you're 'terrified of childcare' just sounds ridiculous.

@virginmojito

Nobody's coming from "on high" proclaiming that teenagers don't need support. Of course they do.

But most couples have to manage that from 5.30 onwards. And that might mean that their teenagers are in the house from 3.45.

Its hardly the end of the world.

For my kids it taught them a bit of independence, albeit for 2 hours a day. Made a snack, chilled out, started homework.

No big deal.

Reading through the lines I think OP is less terrified of childcare, and more terrified that she's recently dipped her toe back in the job market and got knocked back. Yes, it's not great to hear that you're not going to have employers lining up like they did in the good old days, but time has moved on. You need to not give up and be thinking of your kids inheritance as an alternative.

FIL knows the OP - so i bet he predicted she'd rather raid the dc's inheritance instead of making changes and taking personal responsibility for providing for her family.
OP wants to imitate a 'Lady who Lunches' lifestyle and focus more on her 'voluntary' and 'charitable' work than face reality.

And “paying back” the DC inheritance - with the equivalent of compound interest? The equivalent of putting the capital sum into a stocks and shares tracking ISA, for example?

The OP needs to start entering the employment market now in order to do be able to do that ....

Why wouldn't you use the money to pay your new mortgage off and be mortgage free? Therefore also freeing money up from you dh wage, to pay bills etc. Money is invested in property that way, not spent.... I personally would use the kids money for this, as we plan to sell our house once they're older anyway to provide deposits for them and downsize.

It seems sensible to me to utilise it in this way and save on interest rate fees, rather than sitting in a bank doing nothing.

At the very least to use your dh money for this. To not, is idiocy to me. All that interest you're paying... Needlessly.

Putting it in property’s fine, but the family home is a slight risk - what if the couple divorce? They becomes very messy very quickly, remarriage - money gets tied up in property co owned with new partners.

Will this lady be willing to seek the dream home? And when? When the first child hits 21, or when the last child hits 30? The mil left the money to her grandchildren - hopefully she was sensible enough to put conditions on it,