About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

@PieAndPumpkins They've already used Dh's share to pay off their previous mortgage and then embarked on buying a bigger more expensive property. They now can't afford it. The 3DCs share is still sat there nicely gathering interest for their own uni costs/house deposits. It's not sat there needlessly doing nothing, it's doing exactly what MIL wanted it to be doing.

the more paid work you do, the less time is available to spend with your children

While very true, doesn't this ignore all the volunteering OP said she's doing? As mentioned upthread that's all very admirable, but it's also more time which could be spent in paid work, with no additional impact on the DCs at all

@huzzah212 I must have missed where the op said her dh's inheritance was all gone?? She just said her FIL paid off their previous mortgage, as far as I saw?

10 hours including travel time?
That's not how most people calculate their working hours.
I'm a single mum, I work 30 hours a week, 37 including travel time.
I still manage to run a house and do life admin. Admittedly not to the highest of standards but everything gets done and my kid is always fed, clean clothes and gets quality time with me. He's more than able to work along side me to get chores done.
My child goes to after school club and is with his dad at weekends which is when I work most of my hours.
Get a weekend job, stop making lame excuses and leave the kids money alone.

I’m confused at how you think you are going to pay back the money to your children when you then say it is more than you could earn in ten years

Perhaps OP realises perfectly well that the kids' money would be unlikely to be repaid, but added that bit to make the idea sound more palatable - just as adding on the travel time makes it sound as if she's doing more paid work than she actually is?

And perhaps the almost 100% agreement that the DC's money should be untouchable could be the reason she's not been back?

@PieAndPumpkins I apologise because I am just reading through the lines of OP's not extremely transparent posts. But she did state DH had a very generous amount to pay off the mortgage, and fund the holiday of a lifetime. FIL as executor has since 'turned off the tap'. At no point other than a few brief mentions of the 3DCs having a share of the pension pot, has she stated what's actually been paid out/set aside for them? I'm massively jumping to conclusions but it sounds like the kids share is still waiting for them and Dh's must have gone already, or FIL wouldn't legally be able to withhold more cash from him? I get what you posted about freeing up cash for your children later on, but OP is in her 40s and working 5hrs a week with a new hefty mortgage, with primary school aged kids. If she spends their inheritance now she'll not be able to free up any money until they're already through university and on the housing ladder, with potentially their own kids. And that's a big IF she can pay them back what they'd presumably just have inherited at 18 or 21 with the interest, and not unwittingly bailing out mum and dad's poor financial choices.

I think it’s a really bad thing that so many women are terrified of the job market. Also that they are just staying in their domestic role and letting the dh get away with doing nothing. Yes if she gets a job he should do more in the house but there’s no excuse for her to not contribute financially when the family needs her to do so.

Also I just don’t understand how some women think “putting a wash on” is so revolutionary. Get the older ones to d9 their own laundry and build life skills. Lots of people work and manage to wash clothes and eat. No need to steal from your children

How is your relationship, OP?

I'm sure other people have mentioned it but I'm wondering if your DH's insistance on keeping his inheritance out of the family pot is because he's thinking divorce is in the future. If it's kept seperate you aren't entitled to any of it, but as soon as it gets used within the family it becomes an asset.

This is an assumption but if the DCs' inheritance is more than the OP would make in 10 years, I think it's likely that the intention was never to pay it back. In fact, since she seems to think that 'disrupting' their lives by going back to work is worth frittering away their inheritance, I am willing to bet that by the time they have flown the nest, she'd expect them to be so grateful for staying at home with them that they won't ask back for it and so there is nothing to be repaid.

OP is clearly workshy as evidenced by her using every possible excuse so I think everyone's time and commentary here is in vain.

The whole point, regardless of anything else, is why FIL is still involved, unless there is some kind of trust and it is the children's inheritance not what was gifted to DH.

Can you use your volunteering to work your way into a paying job?

All the people saying teens need after school support just as much....

Of course. But they likely don't go to bed until 9pm, often leave the house earlier & arrive home later as secondary schools are further away. It is madness to think a parent should miss out on 30 or so hours of time for paid employment to sit doing nothing much of the day for the sake of listening to DCs grumbles an hour and half earlier each night.

With secondary age kids they should be cleaning their own rooms, helping with laundry and other jobs round the house, doing a bit of cooking prep etc so there really is not anywhere near enough to do around the home to fill even a fraction of the time. Which is why many of the SAHMs I know with school age kids regularly meet for coffees, go to the gym etc. Great if you can afford it & partner happy to fund a lifestyle like that for you but OP can't.

Regardless of how much control FIL has or whether DH is using him as an excuse the big issue is it is not the OP money.

She needs to get a job.

As PP has indicated the support for teenagers is more emotional unless you have brought them up to be completely unable. They should be able to cook themselves and others basic meals at 14, reheat food and make sandwiches. In other words they won't die if the OP goes out to work and comes back at 6pm.

@PieAndPumpkins pp womt confirm how much is left of her DHS money is left.

However, if he has some left and her plan is using the kids the money to stay at home, that's even worse.

If this was about using his money, the totally and OP posts would be very different. It would be a discussion a our the use of the his Inheritance. No need to invole the kids.

The OP and her husband were mortgage free then BOTH of them decided to take on a other substantial mortgage. Hence why they can no longer afford their living costs.

Using kids money for a family home is a bad idea. Given that they are poor with money, what happens if they cant downsize, when their youngest is 18. What if each child is mean to get the money when they turn a certain age. They would have to sell when the first child reaches that age, when they could still have grown up kids at home.

What if the OP and her dh cant downsize? Should the kids force the sale?

It obvious they are piss poor with money. That's the reason dh has given control to his dad.

And if there is plenty of dhs money left and she is even contemplating using the kids money so she doesnt have to work, that make the pp even worse.

Who considers getting their kids to pay for their own childcare. Who considers charging their kids to do their washing and cooking?

The OP has a young child, with five years left at primary.

While very true, doesn't this ignore all the volunteering OP said she's doing? As mentioned upthread that's all very admirable, but it's also more time which could be spent in paid work, with no additional impact on the DCs at all

Very true.

I'm sure other people have mentioned it but I'm wondering if your DH's insistance on keeping his inheritance out of the family pot is because he's thinking divorce is in the future

What? 😂😂😂

It's the kids money. The father in law is good with investments so he is managing it for them.

And on divorce it doesn't become hers.

Becaus it's her kids inheritance!

What would happen if you were to split up. Why not get a full time job and become financially independent? Instead of relying on someone else’s money (your MIL) surely you would rather your children had the inheritance to help with university costs etc?

*You’re acting like this is some sort of mind blowing task.

It’s very possible to do this and work too. Most people do it.*

I am talking about doing laundry as paid work, not in the home.

How about 'wanted: man to go out to work so that I get 30 hours a week to do what I want. Must not moan about me going each to works even when kids are older and if we need money, must be willing to screw over our children to get it.'

The OP has a child with five years left in primary. The OP has said the money was left to her DH AND the children. We don’t know how much he is squirrelling away while telling his wife to go out to work and keep doing everything she does now. Do we?

I frankly fail to understand why you're so vehemently defending the indefensible.

I fail to understand why you think this. All I am saying is, if her DH is in fact hiding a lot of money (belonging to him) in his dad’s accounts while insisting his wife does low paid work to continue to work around the family, he isn’t being fair. Hardly ‘the indefensible’.

She sounds incredibly entitled and selfish. Has she told the children what she would like to do? Sounds to me like FIL knows exactly what type of person she is and has kept the childrens money safe for them. Good for him as he seems to be the only one thinking of them, their grabby mum certainly isnt!

The OP’s DC are still primary aged, so they’ll need picking up from school at maybe 3- 3.30. She says she has 5 more years of this?

Yes, she could pay someone else to pick up the DC but it’s not that simple because -

a) these particular DC are not used to this
b) she would need to be earning more than the childminder to make it worthwhile
c) she has guilt / anxiety about this

Nor all schools have this “wrap around care” system. No school mine have ever been to has anything remotely like this. Not surprisingly then, it’s 90% mums at the school gates at 3.30.

I agree that once they start making their own way to and from school in year 7, they won’t be getting home until 4.30 / 5 and this is a significant difference in terms of the jobs you can look for.

No woman I know has stayed at home for the sake of housework. Thinking about it in those terms is unhelpful, I think because it runs far deeper than that. It’s a complex and personal decision that will vary in the context if every relationship. For instance, I know perfectly well that if I’d ended up with a different DH with different attitudes and who had a different income potential, I would have returned to work years ago and, in those circumstances, I would know this was absolutely the right thing to do in the interests of my family.

I think what I’m trying to say is that we know nothing about this family really. No she should certainly not spend the DC’s inheritance - everyone agrees in that. But I suspect the underlying situation is not that simple.

We don’t know how much he is squirrelling away while telling his wife to go out to work and keep doing everything she does now. Do we?

No we dont. But if she believes its alot, why would she even be thinking of stealing her kids money instead?

That laundry being work paid for the children?

The converstation, would be is she being unreasonable to want to use the husbands inheritance to stay at home.

Given the OP even contemplated stealing off her kids to stay at home. Moans that she work takes up 10 hours and volunteers. Given she says she has a fear of childcare and comes up with loads of silly reasons she cant work.

Theres a slight chance she is talking rubbish when she says he wont pick up the slack.

Theres r more evidence in this thread, that she just doesnt want to go to work and wants to steal her kids money to facilitate that and will come up with loads of ridiculous reasons to justify it.

Maybe he will, maybe he wont. But pp clearly isnt entertaining getting a job. Because she would prefer to take her kids money, than get a job.

@virginmojito she may not even have to use child care.

Nowhere has she said her husband has told her it must be full time work.