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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 20:29

@Schuyler

Agreed, she hasn't clarified, but the headline is "Children's inheritance" and she talks about borrowing it and then "paying THEM back".

I'm only going by the information provided.

Schuyler · 12/08/2019 20:39

Fair enough, perhaps I made the wrong assumption that but OP has been vague. I hope she doesn’t use the children’s money. I’d be devastated if my mum spent my inheritance. If it’s that much, then it’ll hopefully give the children a deposit, a car or uni fees etc.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 20:39

I agree I don’t see anywhere the DH appears stingy or withholding his own money he is not agreeing to spending his children’s money. They jointly bought 2 houses and he’s not pressured her to work this whole time. You don’t even know what % the money was split - if this was 25% each between the 4 then the DC could have considerably more combined than the DH had before the mortgage was cleared off, and I imagine the new house needed a deposit too?

If he’s had financial advice that means their previous plans now need to change then he’s not being a controlling wanker to explain to OP that things are not going to work out as originally planned before they knew better.

At worst he sounds naive and silly but also this man lost his mother and took it hard. He clearly had a ‘fuck it live for the moment’ period of time now it is actual reality. Doesn’t sound controlling to me. Now he is worrying about paying bills and not waste his deceased parents money Confused

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/08/2019 20:42

This thread is just batshit. OP you do realise most people with school age kids WOHM, right? As in in paid employment of anywhere between 16 & 40 hours every week, not including travel time.

Baffled by the number of people who think "managing the home" needs to take SO much time every week. Those of us who both work full time do also manage it, on top of caring for our kids and giving them plenty of attention. It requires organisation and means sometimes you don't get any down time. That's life.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 20:44

@Schuyler

Yeah, agreed.

She freely admits its more than she would earn in 10 years, which leads me to question her ability to "pay it back".

It should be for their university, house deposit etc. A huge step up in life:

Not to fritter away on household bills.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 20:46

Schuyler

I absolutely agree. The OP should work for her own protection. That doesn’t excuse the attitudes seen here.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 20:47

Yes the attitudes that a woman should go to work instead of getting her kids to fund it, is disgusting.Hmm

Graphista · 12/08/2019 20:47

Not rtft but read the op's posts.

Lot of issues here around money and control, but I don't think op is necessarily much better than the fil to be honest.

This is not op's money it's her dh's and her kids.

Op clearly has some anxiety issues but she should be addressing those if at all possible through the usual channels.

But she also seems massively unrealistic about money and the job market!

I've 2 degrees and good refs that are more recent than op's. Couple of years ago I was applying for jobs over 200 and only got 2 replies!

Dd was also job hunting at the same time and had a very similar experience albeit finally getting a job where she is now.

But from talking to people in real life this is how it is at the moment! There just aren't enough jobs and as you've been out of the market for what? At least 10 years? You are at a disadvantage and should probably consider retraining or obtaining some kind of certification to prove your skills are still up to date?

You could get refs from either your current position or voluntary roles.

But it's very much an employers market.

Or are you expecting to never return to work? Because quite honestly the tone of your posts suggests that.

cheeseandbiscuitss · 12/08/2019 20:53

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland completely agree.

I have 2 children - one infant and one pre school and a DH who works a ridiculous amount of hours (leaves 6am and home 9pm) so all school pick up and drop offs and after school Activities fall to me. Plus all day Saturdays (whilst I also work 25 hours a week (30 if you include travel time).

I want to compress hours and drop a day etc. But I can't as we need the money. I should also add that we have a fair amount of savings which is more than a couple years worth of working for me. But why would I want to spend that just so I didn't have to work.

We manage and get by with my wage included and it's nice to know we have a rainy day fund for the future.

OP sounds ridiculous (sorry). just get a job.

OhtheHillsareAlive · 12/08/2019 20:56

Clearly, both OP and her DH are pretty shit with money ... Maybe that's why the FiL has kept control.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 20:57

@cheeseandbiscuitss

The voice of reason.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2019 21:24

It depends on the industry Graphista, at my work place they’ve had 3 posts they’ve had to go out to recruit for twice as there aren’t enough applicants. Public sector, secure pre-existing roles (the people doing them have moved on for various reasons), decent benefits if not amazing pay. When they finally did interview for one of them, 3 out of the 5 candidates cancelled on the day or didn’t show up.

I know it’s not the case everywhere but not every job is drowning in keen applicants.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 21:32

This is clearly the kids money. She says it in her op. She says she thinks it's better to spend their money now to avoid disrupting them and then she can apparently pay them back.

It's her kids inheritance she wants to steal.

So yeah, she should get a job. And yeah thr husband did right in giving control to his father because she'd have had it.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 21:36

That doesn’t excuse the attitudes seen here.

What, that it’s wrong for the OP to steal from her children so that she doesn’t have to go back to work?

I honestly cannot believe you’re trying to defend this. My mind is blown.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 21:37

This is not op's money it's her dh's and her kids.

Lovely. I bet there’s a queue forming.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 21:39

Wanted: wife, to raise children and take care of a home, to give up her career for zero financial security, who is also happy to be called a bum and a scrounger once immediate needs are met.

Where does one apply?!

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 21:40

@herculepoirot2

Ok forget whoever said it's the DH money. DH money is family money.

Are you defending spending the children's inheritance?

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 21:41

Wanted. A man (with hardworking, financially prudent parents) to act as an ATM for a woman with school age children who doesn’t want to work.

Sounds great.

IceRebel · 12/08/2019 21:43

herculepoirot2 You seem overly invested in the OP and being a SAHP.

The thread was about taking an inheritance which belongs to her children, even you have admitted that would be unreasonable. There's no need to keep derailing the thread. Confused

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 21:43

Are you defending spending the children's inheritance?

No.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 21:44

Oh for fuck sake.

Not wanted: Wife who fails to adapt to financial circumstances and would rather spend her children's inheritance than god forbid get a job, any job.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 21:44

But she has benefitted from the husbands money. It’s just that they have made crap choices with it and now need to spend the child’s money

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 21:45

The thread was about taking an inheritance which belongs to her children, even you have admitted that would be unreasonable. There's no need to keep derailing the thread.

The OP states that the money was willed to her DH and her DC.

testingtesting111 · 12/08/2019 21:45

Op perhaps look at it this way. You've had the benefit of your previous mortgage being paid, dream holiday etc. Yes there is still money in a pot, but that is really for the benefit of your kids, not to pay living expenses. By your own admission it would take you years to accumulate the equivalent of what is in the pot. Basically, you've been fortunate to date, so don't run the risk of coming across as ungrateful / entitled.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 21:47

Wife who fails to adapt to financial circumstances and would rather spend her children's inheritance than god forbid get a job, any job.

Wanted: woman willing to raise three kids then stuff washing machines full of other people’s knickers while husband sits on mysterious nest egg.

Applicants rare and stupid.