About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

If my DH has been prepared to put the well-being of our 3 DC before his career progression / identity for 10 years, so that I could swan out the door without a second thought or worry about anything related to them, I’d be so extremely grateful to have a partner prepared to do that

Well, yes. And no ...

From the very little that the OP has posted, I'm wondering whether being a SAHP was a bit of a 'get out' clause for her. All she's posted about being "terrified" of childcare, and her own childhood make me wonder whether her clinging onto the SAHM role and wanting to do anything - including stealing from her own children - to hang onto it, is a cover up for other things.

This, together with the air of unreality about including travel time in what is actually a 5-hour a week paid job during term-time, and assuming she can walk into any job she applies for - all this adds up (to me, anyway) to someone with some debilitating psychological issues, which the SAHM role has covered up.

But really, what stands out for me, by a country mile, is that neither the OP nor her DH are any good with money, or planning, or financial reality.

Imagine buying a bigger house & not first working out whether you could afford it or not? Or selling a house because Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety

They both seem to jump into big things for emotional reasons - selling a house, buying a bigger house, not working a paid job, assuming that 10 years out of employment will lead to a paid job ....

The OP has given up career progression for the family. That must be acknowledged. She and her DH need to have a very serious non-emotional discussion about all the possible options they have.

They have a lot of options:

• they are both healthy & able-bodied (as far as we know)
• they have a house they like
• the DH has a good job the OP* has a degree and a lot of work experience, just not recently the OP*'s volunteer work can be parlayed into 'work -related experience'
• the DC have future financial security via the inheritance from the DGM

There are many people who would like to have the "problem" the OP has. But she is not thinking straight, and neither is her DH. They're both overly swayed by emotion; feelings are important, but there need to be facts as well.

And you need to cut the coat (of your feelings) according to your cloth (of your income). And not steal a bolt of fabric from your children.

I wouldn’t tether myself to a man who was going to ask for my physical capacity to bear and nurture his kids, but then talk about ‘his’ money and ‘his’ house.

I suspect others wouldn’t marry someone who wanted to opt out of work and have their partner provide for them. I know I wouldn’t.

Horses for courses. Not a problem if everyone’s on the same page.

But in this instance they’re not.

@herculepoirot2

"This isn’t relevant because people here are criticising her for wanting to be a SAHM and spend ‘his’ money."

The OP, by the thread headline and subsequent details wants to "borrow" her CHILDREN'S inheritance, which she plans to pay back by eventually getting "more hours", even though she admits she wouldn't earn that money in 10 years.

So to the original question, NO.

I suspect others wouldn’t marry someone who wanted to opt out of work and have their partner provide for them. I know I wouldn’t.

But he did.

Notwithstanding, she hasn’t opted out of work. She has raised three children and manages their home.

So to the original question, NO.

Lovely. But not my point.

His aren’t the only eyes in the marriage, Laurie. Your posts are standing out to me as some of the most misogynistic on the thread.

I think it’s interesting that you’re finding every excuse in the book to let the OP off working.

It only works if both parties are happy. They aren’t.

And she married someone who doesnt want piss away their money and the kids money on living their best life and all that.

She married someone who recognises they need more money coming in and doesnt see stealing off the kids as an option.

Yes @herculepoirot2 she has opted out, but it's time to opt back in.

Why are you so ridiculously adamant that she shouldn't work. It's a job for petes sake.

Like millions of others have.

That was then, this was now 🤷‍♀️

She has raised three children and manages their home.

Her kids are mostly in senior school and managing a home is something most people manage on top of a job.

Lovely of you have the option. But she could easily work more and now he wants her to go back rather than spend money that isn’t hers. Not unreasonable at all.

Her kids are mostly in senior school and managing a home is something most people manage on top of a job.

She has a child who will be in primary school for five more years, and a husband who sees the home as her responsibility.

Why are you so ridiculously adamant that she shouldn't work. It's a job for petes sake

I’m not adamant she shouldn’t work, let alone ridiculously.

I think it’s interesting that you’re finding every excuse in the book to let the OP off working.

Excuses and letting off? A woman with three kids, two in primary, and a husband sitting on a lot of money (albeit the OP is still being vague). In my opinion she does enough.

Presumably the pension paid out a sum on death and your dh and dcs were named as beneficiaries to receive this lump sum (in parts). Your dh should have access to his share. You should absolutely not use your dcs portion. You need to think whether your got your dh to sign anything saying fil was to have control of the account.
It all sounds very very irregular.
I am currently executor if a will and am very clear about duties - no way would I be able to retain anything unless there was a trust in operation (in which case there would be named persons administering the trust ! The trust would have been set out in the will and your fil would have been under duty to act within the terms of the trust and inform all beneficiaries of this.
Don’t at all ask to sue someone else’s money. If you and your dh aren’t good with money and if the sum is large you should speak to your bank about managing it.

Some people are literally tying their seveles in knots for it to be ok for the OP not to work.

What we do know is that OP was happy to be a sahp. This is something that made her happy and, presumably, him happy. No big sacrifice. She wanted to do this.

We also know that ops plan to stay off work doesnt include downsizing or looking at what dh has left and sorting a smaller mortgage etc.

She jumped straight to 'take money off the kids to keep things how I want them'

If you were married to someone whose go to was 'the kids money can pay for it's. I would make sure it was locked well away.

They cant afford for OP to not work, without her using the kids money.

How anyone can argue she should have gone right to not work, is beyond me.

@herculepoirot2

Yes her responsibility today. She never said he wouldn't step up if they were both working.

Again you're projecting.

I’m concerned that a few posters are going on about her right to be a SAHM when it looks like her DH would happily screw her over. This man has shown he is not going to financially support her. If they split, he would almost certainly leave her up shit creek without a paddle. I think OP should protect herself and seek work purely because I can’t see this man supporting her financially in the event of separation. This isn’t bashing SAHPs in general but seriously, this particular man doesn’t see money as family money and she’s in a very vulnerable position.

A woman with three kids, two in primary, and a husband sitting on a lot of money (albeit the OP is still being vague). In my opinion she does enough.

But you dont actually know what she does. By her own admission things are just kept on top of.

If her husband is sitting on a lot of money. Why is she wanting to access the kids money?

If he was say on a load if money that's what the thread would be about. It's not about using what's left of his and the kids money.

this particular man doesn’t see money as family money
Money left in trust for the children isn’t family money.

@Schuyler

"This man has shown he is not going to financially support her. If they split, he would almost certainly leave her up shit creek without a paddle."

How do you come to that conclusion. She's been a SAHP for years.

You would extremely unreasonable to take a single red cent of your children's inheritance for practically any reason, but particularly in the circumstances you've described - to fund your daily lives. Good grief.

@HeadintheiClouds

"Money left in trust for the children isn’t family money."

Absolutely.

I despair.

Woman wants to spend her children's inheritance to fund their household bills, rather than get a job.

It's that simple.

AhNowTed and HeadintheiClouds
His inheritance is family money but OP still hasn’t clarified how much money is his and how much is the children’s money. She absolutely categorically should not touch their money, it is for them and not to enable her to stay at home. I am not saying she should use a penny of their money.

Some of the money is your OH's and some of it is for the children. None of it was left to you. Get a job.

Yep, get a job OP. It is that simple, for now. None of it is directiy your money, although you and your dc will benefit from it.