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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 12/08/2019 19:00

I dont buy the house thing completely either- OP says originally she was happy to move but then says she was supporting DH for mental health reasons- sorry but you do not get your family into a mortgage-worths of debt just to blindly placate someone's grief.

If that's the grip that she/both of them have on finances, then the frugal FIL is probably the best person in charge Confused

OP hasn't replied to any suggestions about downsizing/reducing outgoings in other ways either so to me it comes across as she likes the bigger house, she likes the status quo just the way it is which is why she's clutching at straws to maintain it, but something has to give.

You cant have your cake, eat it and make trifle out of it too.

mordecaithomas · 12/08/2019 19:01

Looks like OP has gone. Cos she knows she's been sussed that she's a gold digger 😂

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 19:02

If they genuinely can’t afford it without touching the children’s inheritances, then obviously she needs to work.

They cant without touching the kids money.

Thats what she wants to do. That her alternative plan. Not downsizing, bit looking at any money he may or may not have (she does know how much, no way she doesnt know how much the house was and the holiday. She knew the amount recieved).

The solution is to use the kids money and oy it back out, well nothing.

She says herself, the she is annoyed fil wint let her tap into the kids money.

That's her preffered plan.

cheeseandbiscuitss · 12/08/2019 19:02

@herculepoirot2 but tbh with 3 kids out of the house 30 hours a week- OP has had quite a nice life.
A lot of working parents keep the house clean, manage school life and work. It is doable- just takes more effort and planning

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:04

cheeseandbiscuitss

I didn’t say she hasn’t had a nice life. That’s not exactly the point. We don’t all have to strap ourselves to wash wheels and flagellate ourselves. If she is cleaning the house, cooking and looking after three children before and after school, she isn’t exactly Marie Antoinette.

mordecaithomas · 12/08/2019 19:06
bmbonanza · 12/08/2019 19:10

Tell DH to grow a pair, tell FIL to hand it over and then you agree as a couple what to do with it. FIL needs to butt out - its not his money to dictate to you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/08/2019 19:15

Tell DH to grow a pair, tell FIL to hand it over and then you agree as a couple what to do with it. FIL needs to butt out - its not his money to dictate to you.

As has been said on the thread I suspect that the FiL is the gatekeeper to the money for good reason.
From the sound of it if he wasn't the OP would be taking huge chunks out of it.

And its not the OP's money either (it never was), and even if she did have access to it the vast majority of what is left must belong to the children.

twolobsters · 12/08/2019 19:19

The thing is, even if it was open to interpretation and you were able to access the money, why in this day and age would you do that?

You already have 3 kids and by your own admission you're living beyond your means. I presume help with driving / house deposits / university etc will be hard to get together. Why wouldn't you be thrilled with this opportunity to give them a help start. Not to mention it's legally and morally theirs.

You know you won't be able to repay this. I don't mean to be cruel but if you're struggling to get work now, where will this high paying job materialise from after even longer out of work?

Work on living within your means so you can stay at home with them as you wish. But this is not the answer.

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 19:28

I read back through the posts there are not really enough details to make it clear apart from alluding to a ‘technical detail’ that FIL wasn’t happy with, without knowing whether this is a petty detail or a huge massive one it’s hard to tell.

The detail could be such as drawing down large amounts means you lose valuable benefits or very high fees, I can see why FIL may be warning DH against using the money this way because it is wasteful and isn’t the best value at all, his wife worked hard to save it so to see his DH spend it all on a house he can’t afford, with a wife who is afraid to work may be emotional in itself especially if you feel neither of them have much financial knowledge and he is aware they want access to the DC money now instead of letting it continue to grow and mature, seeing another generation of his own grandchildren floundering around making bad financial decisions. A man who is financially savvy and has helped them already seems to be made out to be some kind of horrible monster. Maybe he is but it’s possible he wants to protect his DGC future

Anyway OP says the plan all along was to use this money for living expenses during the children’s childhood but now DH has changed his mind, possibly due to the realisation of the ‘technical details’ when he handed the control over, meaning the inheritance will be worth a lot less by using it in this way, and not practical. Using your inheritance to pay your electric bills probably has hit him that his mum wouldn’t have wanted them to use it for that. It’s his money. His way around this is to try to protect the money and his asset of his house by increasing their family income.

I would suggest maybe DH could have learnt enough about sensible finances to take back control, but he may not be willing to unless OP will agree with how to manage going forward. Otherwise he will be in control of it and under pressure to use it inappropriately and possibly detrimentally to his children’s future

comingintomyown · 12/08/2019 19:29

Who on earth includes travel time when talking about how much they work ?

Sorry I’m with the majority you need to get another job your husband clearly doesn’t want to bankroll this set up any longer.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:32

It’s his money. His way around this is to try to protect the money and his asset of his house by increasing their family income.

His. His. His.

I wouldn’t get married on this basis. I wouldn’t tether myself to a man who was going to ask for my physical capacity to bear and nurture his kids, but then talk about ‘his’ money and ‘his’ house.

shithappens123 · 12/08/2019 19:33

OP why don’t you look for a job you enjoy? Or maybe think about retraining or going back to college

PookieDo · 12/08/2019 19:36

They bought 2 houses and went on a dream holiday! It does not sound like he thinks this money is all his, but it’s ok to want to protect what you own. It actually is ok

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 12/08/2019 19:42

Maybe your DH agreed to FIL manages the money to prevent just this kind of thing happening! Don't be so lazy go and get a job! It would be such a shame to waste a lump sum (your children's lump sum) on monthly bills.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:42

They bought 2 houses and went on a dream holiday! It does not sound like he thinks this money is all his, but it’s ok to want to protect what you own. It actually is ok

From your spouse? I don’t believe that’s true. It’s fine when both parties are footloose and fancy-free but once you start a family it isn’t that simple. The OP has been materially disadvantaged by being a SAHP, no matter whether it was her preference or not. They chose as a couple for her to do that, because it was the best thing for their shared children. It’s not okay for him to ringfence finances at that point.

TitianaTitsling · 12/08/2019 19:42

10 hours a week is very little paid work when your children are in school. Agree it's not even 10 hours, this includes travel time OP says.

AhNowTed · 12/08/2019 19:44

@herculepoirot2

"I didn’t say she hasn’t had a nice life. That’s not exactly the point. We don’t all have to strap ourselves to wash wheels and flagellate ourselves. If she is cleaning the house, cooking and looking after three children before and after school, she isn’t exactly Marie Antoinette."

No we don't all have to be 2 salaried working parents but here is where you are missing the point. I suspect unlike yourself the OP CANT AFFORD IT.

Honestly you're flogging a dead horse. Good for you if you and your DP can manage this, but the OPs family can't.

Stop projecting. Delighted for you if this is your life, but being a SAHP is not a right. Most couples have to juggle and compromise.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:46

Stop projecting. Delighted for you if this is your life, but being a SAHP is not a right. Most couples have to juggle and compromise.

It isn’t projecting. The OP said they could afford it IF her DH didn’t want to keep his assets separate to their family life. How is that projecting?

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:46

Delighted for you if this is your life, but being a SAHP is not a right.

What delights you?

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 19:47

But this might actually mean spending the kids inheritance. Op clearly has no notion how much is left.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:48

But this might actually mean spending the kids inheritance. Op clearly has no notion how much is left.

This isn’t relevant because people here are criticising her for wanting to be a SAHM and spend ‘his’ money.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2019 19:49

The OP said they could afford it IF her DH didn’t want to keep his assets separate to their family life

Presumably DH wants some savings for the longer term. In his eyes they can’t afford it.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 19:51

Presumably DH wants some savings for the longer term. In his eyes they can’t afford it.

His aren’t the only eyes in the marriage, Laurie. Your posts are standing out to me as some of the most misogynistic on the thread.

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/08/2019 19:53

I don't know any woman or man who would take cash from their child's inheritance to fund a more comfortable lifestyle.

I don't know any woman or man who would take cash from their child's inheritance for any reason at all if the woman or man had opportunity to work more hours rather than doing so.

Of course you have more time with your children if you're a SAHP. Your husband would too if he was a SAHP. He isn't. Life isn't perfect. Why should you get to have more time with your kids than your husband?

Houses with two working parents have to get all the same stuff done, they just have to find more compromises and awkward hours and ways of making it work.

I want to be a SAHP for a couple of years when my child is a baby, but if the situation isn't working for some reason then I expect to sit down as adults and discuss options that involve each of us making compromises, not one of us bearing the entire financial load that has meant we live beyond our means while I refuse to make any changes whatsoever.

Equality is equality.