About my children's inheritance?

[BonyPony]

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

@Wishihad Or are you suggesting OP would prefer to fund her staying at home, by getting her kids to pay it. Whilst spending the DHS money on having fun?

That's how I'm reading it. OP borrows money from the childrens pot to fund her staying at home to sustain present lifestyle until such point she is comfortable going back to work and then will repay that money to the children. Like a private ongoing allowance/loan whilst DH's money is spent on living in the now.

Ridiculous.

If FIL paid off your previous mortgage, how much did you upgrade your lifestyle by that you cannot mange at the moment?

@C8H10N4O2 you kept saying he was lying. And saying how is it ok to lie. You stated is as fact.

Again you dint know hevis managing it as one pot.

And OP isnt saying she wants to use DHS third. She wants the kids money too.

You just can't seem to accept that she wants the money that belongs to the kids, not just the DHS.

If she wanted the DHS, it would be between them to decide what they were doing. But she clearly wants the kids money as well.

If the dh had enough to do the things she wanted, the kids money woildnt even come into it.

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil yep. Except she actually has no way of paying it back.

I am a fairly rubbish housewife and we get by on a wing and a prayer

Then maybe it's time to think again about all the voluntary work? There's no doubt it's a wonderful thing to do, but not, I'd suggest, at the cost of your own family and home

Well like anyone else she can a) provide for herself b) be funded by her husband so long as he’s happy with that c) live off any benefits she’s entitled to.

Or, like people in a reasonable marriage, they could share family income in whatever way upon which they can both agree. At the moment there is a status quo. If the DH actively wants to change it without his wife’s agreement, he will have to ask for a divorce. He’s not going to starve his kids or stop paying his bills, is he? This is what marriage is - a partnership, not a dictatorship. He agreed to an arrangement and has no right to start making demands to change it to suit him.

@BonyPony

I know what it's like when you're really struggling and having in laws that could help but don't. Very similar to what you've said, they've worked hard, ok we need to work hard too, but it sounds like you're doing a lot working midday & volunteering.

If that isn't something you want to give up, you really need to look at your finances, trim them down as much as you can. Hopefully then everyone will be happy.

I've known instances where parents have intended to pay back DC after 'borrowing' some money from their pot, realistically though, if you're struggling now, how will that change so you can save? You'll end up feeling guilty and the kids resentful that this happened, so it's something your DH might be right about.

When I checked through 7 months of accounts, it was shocking to see what went out. I think this really is a good starting point, to show DH you're financially responsible.

It has also made me reconsider my plan to use the children's inheritance now and reimburse them when I went straight back to a well-paid, full-time job.

In 99.99% this does not happen after a five year break, let alone ten year break.

Just as graduates very rarely leave uni and walk into a £150k first job - possible on paper but very, very rare.!

If you don't realise that then it feels like you must be very disconnected from, and naive about, career options. Which is worrying in itself.

I thought DH and I were on the same page about using and enjoying the money while you can.
It's. Not. Your. Money. To. Use.

I don’t think anyone in here understands the details of why the FIL has control of the inheritance money, so the whole debate is a bit meaningless tbh. It’s sounds like a very specific dynamic in the DH’s family, so who knows really?

As for all those on their high horse, telling the OP to “just get a job”, well, think of it this way for a second. The OP has a degree and I bet when her and DH started they had similar earning potential etc. As is usually the case, the OP’s career has been compromised due to her, very understandably, wanting to be around for her three DC. Hardly a crime, is it?

Ok, I understand that their circumstances have changed and the OP may need to think about her work options. But it does annoy me, when DHs are quite happy for their wives to be at home when it suits them, only to suddenly start demanding the wife who once had the same earning potential as them, suddenly take on some menial, dead end job - within school hours of course - otherwise she’s “lazy.” And it annoys me even more when women in MN seem to be tripping over themselves to fall in line with this misogynistic attitude.

Plus, like it or not, there are very definite benefits to being there when your DC get home from school. I realise this is not possible for many people, but I’m afraid it doesn’t mean it’s not true. I would go so far as to say it’s the most important time if day - and it certainly doesn’t cease to be so when they start secondary! What if your child is being bullied, for instance? Do they want to come home to an empty house and just have to bottle it until 6/7pm? What if your teen isn’t even coming straight home, but is encouraged to hang out in parks or whatever, getting up to god knows what, for company instead? What if they’re struggling academically and need homework support, either ongoing or at a critical time? What if they come home and are sitting looking a dubious stuff online for hours on end?

I realise every family is different of course, and we can only make judgements about our own children’s well-being, but saying that there is no benefit to having a parent there when a child or teen returns home from school is total, utter bollocks.

He agreed to an arrangement and has no right to start making demands to change it to suit him.

I hardly think he was agreeing to her being a SAHM forever. . Of course he has a right to change it.

However if he doesn’t want to fund her anymore and she won’t get a job then the break up of the marriage probably is on the cards. Looks like the OP will have to look into funding herself regardless.

I hardly think he was agreeing to her being a SAHM forever. hmm. Of course he has a right to change it.

I hardly think you have any idea what was agreed.

As is usually the case, the OP’s career has been compromised due to her, very understandably, wanting to be around for her three DC. Hardly a crime, is it?

No, the ‘crime’ being contemplated by the OP is spending her children’s money. Or ‘borrowing’ from it while in the same breath being clear she can’t pay it back.

The issue is not the OP taking time out, it’s her desire to spend everyone else’s money.

@herculepoirot2

Just taking the focus off the subject of SAHPs for a moment, do you think it’s ok for the OP to take the children’s inheritance?

I've not read the entire thread but this is probably the most self-indulgent and selfish post I've read on here.

In a nutshell you want your children's inheritance so you don't have to work.
I literally cannot get over the logic behind this at all.

@C8H10N4O2

You seem to be reading things differently to everyone else.

At no point has OP said that her DH planned to use the inheritance to fund the new house and has now changed his mind.

She said this:

DH wanted to spend it because MIL died without benefitting from it so we moved house and had a dream holiday. Now, his grief has lessened / reality has struck and he's stressed that we've over-reached ourselves.

DH's father paid off the existing mortgage so they could afford to move. They then used some inheritance to fund the actual move itself and to take a holiday.

They weren't planning to use the rest of the inheritance to pay the bills.

It's just that they've now found they've cocked up and can't afford things as they are.

OP is saying that her DP was happy to spend inheritance money at first, because his mum never benefited from it being sat there.

Nothing OP said implies that the plan was to spend continuously on paying a mortgage they can't afford.

Just taking the focus off the subject of SAHPs for a moment, do you think it’s ok for the OP to take the children’s inheritance?

Of course I don’t.

Get a job. FiL probably thinks if you had full access to the money, there wouldn't be much left for the DC in the future.
It would be nice to work when you know you have a nest egg to come, day dream of lovely holidays in the future, while providing for your family in the present.

Wow I’d be super pissed off if I learned later on in life that my mum spent my inheritance because she thought it best she stayed at home.
My mum was a sahm and throughout my teens I distinctly remember wondering what on Earth she was still doing at home. I think you’ve got a few issues that need addressing here, your dc will not need you at home 11+. They will manage perfectly fine once you let them, in fact it’s a healthier relationship.

1. your dh is not on the same page as you so stop whining about him not bestowing your dc inheritance upon you, that would simply make him a good dad.
2. You clearly are afraid of working for whatever reason. Sometimes this actually stems from being a sahm too long. If you’re a rubbish housewife sounds like you’re better off being in the workplace.

Why not give it a go and see what happens.
You can always quit if you’re intent on your whole family being off so you don’t have to work.
I think you’re looking at all this in the wrong light. It’s not your money so put those thoughts away that you should have access to it and get on with life as you need to otherwise.

I hardly think you have any idea what was agreed.

No, but I know what he wants now. For the OP to get a job now that all her children are in school.

. I think you’ve got a few issues that need addressing here, your dc will not need you at home 11+. They will manage perfectly fine once you let them, in fact it’s a healthier relationship.

What a load of bollocks. There is nothing “unhealthy” about an 11 year old in the first year of secondary school coming home to a parent. At all.

@herculepoirot2

Ok, so the problem is that they can’t afford their lifestyle without either the OP getting a job or dipping into the children’s inheritance which is what the whole thread is about. So what’s the solution?

Nor does he have the right to insist she goes to work.. Does she have the right to insist he goes to work, what if he said says 'fuck it, I'm not working either'?

If the money is specifically ringfenced as the DC’s inheritance, then no, of course they should not touch it.

But is this the case - it all sounds very convoluted?

Is there a specific amount that was left to the DH independently of the DC or not? Or has this all been spent already?

The issue is not the OP taking time out, it’s her desire to spend everyone else’s money

This ^^

I agree, though, that it's not clear why FIL was given control of the money in the first place. Maybe both he and his son are controlling, or maybe they both realise the money could disappear like morning mist all too quickly