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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my children's inheritance?

999 replies

BonyPony · 12/08/2019 10:20

My MIL sadly passed away a couple of years ago and left a large sum of money to my husband and kids. My FIL is very into financial management and has virtually total control of the account. We have to get his permission to withdraw any of the money.
FIL has been very generous and paid off our previous mortgage so we could move house. Husband hated the previous home, which increased his grief, stress and anxiety. We were happy to move but are now struggling financially with the bills from the new house. I cannot get this money out of my head. It is way more than I could earn in 10 years and it is just sitting there.
Meanwhile, I have been a full time at home parent for many years but husband is now pressurising me to get a job to make ends meet. I don't want to disrupt our home life, especially when all our financial worries would be solved by husband getting FIL to let him have the inheritance he was given!

Should I give up and get a job or stand my ground and insist husband fight for the money? (Also am I evil?)

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:04

Does she have the right to insist he goes to work, what if he said says 'fuck it, I'm not working either'?

Then they won’t be paying any of the bills. Doesn’t change the fact that he can’t force her to do it. The situation at present is one he agreed to and has benefited from. He can’t just demand everything changes again to suit him. It has to be agreed with his wife, regardless of who is in paid work at the moment. They are equals. From some of the comments on here you’d think she was his servant.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:05

Ok, so the problem is that they can’t afford their lifestyle without either the OP getting a job or dipping into the children’s inheritance which is what the whole thread is about. So what’s the solution?

Nice segue into your own conversational area of interest, but it’s hardly relevant to the point I am making about the language and tone used to describe SAHM. I have no idea what the solution is. 🤷🏻‍♀️

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 15:10

@herculepoirot2

You’re making this thread about SAHPs when the actual AIBU was whether the OP is BU to dip into the children’s inheritance.

SuperSara · 12/08/2019 15:10

@virginmojito

The OP titled the thread [AIBU] About My Children's Inheritance

So I think we are reasonably safe in assuming the money is intended for the DC, regardless of technicalities, otherwise it would have been worded differently.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 15:10

At no point has OP said that her DH planned to use the inheritance to fund the new house and has now changed his mind

But that is exactly what he has done. The quote you put in says exactly that - he wanted to spend the inheritance, he was the driver behind the new house and the expensive holiday. He then had second thoughts and now doesn't want to spend that inheritance after they have committed to the cost.

She subsequently added that she had supported his decision because he was stressed.

How else do you read
DH wanted to spend it because MIL died without benefitting from it so we moved house and had a dream holiday. Now, his grief has lessened / reality has struck and he's stressed that we've over-reached ourselves

Coupled with the post where he apparently gives the money to his DF to look after its fairly clear that the whole move was driven by his wanting to use the inheritance and then changing his mind.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 15:11

Imagine if a woman was posting about how her SAHD was refusing to get a job now that the children were older, even though they couldn't pay the bills. And it's not like he's even doing the housework! And not just that, he wants his hands on her inheritance money so that he doesn't have to work!

Of course the OP has the right to tell her to get a job, just as she would him, if the roles were reversed.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 15:12

Of course the OP has the right to tell her to get a job, just as she would him, if the roles were reversed

Sorry. The OP's HUSBAND has the right...

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:12

You’re making this thread about SAHPs when the actual AIBU was whether the OP is BU to dip into the children’s inheritance.

Hardly entirely disconnected topics when the OP is saying she wants to use money left to her DH and children so she can continue to be a SAHM.

virginmojito · 12/08/2019 15:13

Totally agree hercule. Some women on here do the work of misogyny for the misogynists!

If there is something the OP can realistically do in the short term to make a dent in the mortgage payments, then yes, she should seriously consider it. But what amounts are we actually talking about here? Nobody has s clue! I mean if the mortgage is millions or a massive overstretch, then a few extra hours as a lunchtime supervisor or some other low-paid job, is neither here nor there, is it?

CaMePlaitPas · 12/08/2019 15:13

The cheeky fuckery of it all.

You need a job OP. This is not your money, by your own admission you know it belongs to your children.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2019 15:15

Imagine if a woman was posting about how her SAHD was refusing to get a job now that the children were older, even though they couldn't pay the bills

That isn't the situation though is it? He wants the OP (who does also work outside the home) to take on more work to pay bills incurred directly by his changing his mind over a major financial commitment. Not because he has fallen ill, lost his job or simply because SAHMs face such a precarious time of it but because he wanted to spend a sum of money which he now wants to keep elsewhere.

The two situations are very different

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 12/08/2019 15:18

None of anything that has been said though about SAHP, or motivations behind the move, or FIL having control of the money changes the one glaring fact that they can't afford their current lifestyle and it's outrageous to suggest the childrens money should subsidise it.

soveryconfused1 · 12/08/2019 15:19

@herculepoirot2

She specifically talks about the children’s inheritance, not her dhs. In every single update. She is very vague about how much is left of her dhs inheritance. And the thread title was about her children’s inheritance.

You say that it would be wrong for her to take her children’s money. But that’s what the OP is suggesting she needs to do in order to continue being a SAHP. That’s why I’m asking you what you think the solution is when they are in this situation because you seem intransigent to the idea that sometimes being a SAHP isn’t possible.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:19

No, but I know what he wants now. For the OP to get a job now that all her children are in school.

But for his comfortable arrangements to remain as they are. Because that will work. Hmm

ThatCurlyGirl · 12/08/2019 15:20

@saraclara you're TOTALLY right when you say:

Imagine if a woman was posting about how her SAHD was refusing to get a job now that the children were older, even though they couldn't pay the bills.

I 100% agree - in real life things change, financial circumstances included, so you're a team and you roll with the punches together, whether that means neither, one or both of you working.

If you agree to a lifestyle (whatever that means) and the means to achieve the lifestyle change, why is the onus on one party only to make up the difference?! It's presented by her as the only option being him finding a way to bring in more money and that way being to use the inheritance.

Why should other options not be discussed, such as HER suggesting ways SHE could also financially contribute to the household and what this would mean for each of them.

If the genders were reversed, we would have seen the word cocklodger bandied about all over the thread... and rightly so tbh!

PriestessModwena · 12/08/2019 15:21

Hopefully if they can assess their finances they'll be ok.

Melroses · 12/08/2019 15:22

Since your FIL does not consider you proper family after 25years, and thinks you will run off with the family jewels, I would be wary that your DH also has this attitude and act accordingly. It would be very foolish of him as you are all they have if one of them pops their clogs Hmm

You do need to now take stock and restart your own career, never mind taking on a minimum wage job to fit in. This will mean your DH doing housework and childcare and the GF possibly stepping in and doing a bit of childcare for his own 'blood relatives' during holidays etc.

But this is not an environment where it is safe to be a SAHM, and prop up your DH's mental health. The investment of your time and care will not be valued. They do not sound like they are taking care of you, which should be mutual in a family, so you will have to do it for yourself.

You cannot be responsible for your DH and FIL's dysfunctional relationship - they will have to sort that.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:23

She specifically talks about the children’s inheritance, not her dhs. In every single update. She is very vague about how much is left of her dhs inheritance. And the thread title was about her children’s inheritance.

That doesn’t matter. The posts I am talking about show a nasty and derogatory attitude to SAHM in general, suggesting they are lazy and sponging off their husbands. There are frequent references to him “funding her lifestyle” (rather than contributing financially to the care of his children and home) and to her spending “his” money. There are frequent suggestions that she just sits on her backside all day and that her getting a job will have no negative impact on her children because her role is surplus to requirements and, if she were halfway competent, she could get a job AND be a good housewife. The thread is dripping with contempt for SAHM, not just for the OP.

hellenbackagen · 12/08/2019 15:23

op
was any money left to your DH? (disregard the childrens inheritence)

if so - i would ask him to access some of this and pay moving costs to downsize - this would solve the issue would it not?

you wouldnt have to go out to work and could afford the bills on a smaller property?

win win?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 15:24

his father is unhappy with the technical details around the money

You’re being strangely vague here OP. Do YOU actually understand these “technical details”? It sounds like DH and FIL have possibly been creating a lot of smoke and mirrors here.

herculepoirot2 · 12/08/2019 15:24

100% agree - in real life things change, financial circumstances included, so you're a team

Unless and until one half of the “team” prefers to keep a few hundred grand tucked away in his daddy’s bank account.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/08/2019 15:25

And I still don’t think you’ve explained how your DH could have been approved for a mortgage that he now can’t afford without you getting a job?

AsTheWorldTurns · 12/08/2019 15:27

It seems quite possible that your husband never really intended on using the inheritance to fund the new house, rather that he intended on using it as leverage to force you back into work after you'd already committed to it.

It seems also quite possible that your husband and your FIL have conspired to ringfence the inheritance to keep it out of your hands.

I wouldn't be best pleased with either of these things, but the fact of the matter is that you really need his assent to be a long-term SAHM and you're overextended, so I'd get back to work sharpish.

Sorry about the recent knock, you'll get through this and come out on the other side.

Storm11 · 12/08/2019 15:27

Sorry op but that money is not yours to do anything with. It is your husbands and children's money. You should go back to work to help with the finances. Surely 3 days a week wouldn't hurt? You children will understand that you will be doing the best for them.

IceRebel · 12/08/2019 15:28

Unless and until one half of the “team” prefers to keep a few hundred grand tucked away in his daddy’s bank account.

Where's the proof that there is any of DH's inheritance left, let alone a significant amount?

If on the other hand the imaginary few 100 grand figure is the children's inheritance, then tucked away it should remain.

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